The American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness and Fashion Part 29

_Fish_ is eaten with bread and condiments only; and the various kinds of meat with vegetables appropriate to each. _Game_, when properly cooked and served, requires only a bit of bread with it.

By those who best understand the art of eating, _b.u.t.ter_ is never taken with meats or vegetables. The latter, in their simple state, as potatoes, should be eaten with salt; most of them need no condiment, in addition to those with which they are dressed before coming to table.

Salads, of course, are prepared according to individual taste; but the well-instructed take b.u.t.ter at dinner only after, or as a subst.i.tute for, the course of pastry, etc. with bread, if at all. The English make a regular course of bread, cheese, and b.u.t.ter, preceding the dessert proper--nuts, fruit, etc.; but they never eat both b.u.t.ter and cheese at the same time.

Skins of baked potatoes, rinds of fruit, etc., etc., should never be put upon the cloth; but _bread_, both at dinner and breakfast, is placed on the table, at the left side of the plate, except it be the small bit used to facilitate the use of the fork.

Never drum upon the table between the courses, fidget in your chair, or with your dress, or in any manner indicate impatience of due order and deliberation, or indifference to the conversation of those about you. A _gentleman_ will take time to dine decorously and comfortably. Those whose subserviency to _anything, or any one_, prevents this, are not _freemen_!

Holding, as I do, that

"_To enjoy is to obey,_"

let me call your attention, in this connection, to the truth that the pleasures of the table consist not so much in the _quant.i.ty_ eaten as in the _mode of eating_. A moderate amount of simple food, thoroughly and deliberately masticated, and partaken of with the agreeable accessories of quiet, neatness and social communion, will not only be more beneficial to the physical man, but afford more positive enjoyment, than a larger number of dishes, when hurriedly eaten in greater quant.i.ties.

I have frequently remarked among our young countrymen a peculiarity which a moment's reflection will convince you is exceedingly injurious to health--that of swallowing an enormous amount of fluid at every meal.

Reflect that the human stomach is scarcely so large as one of the goblets which is repeatedly emptied at dinner, by most men, and that all liquids taken into that much-abused organ, must be absorbed before the a.s.similation of solid food commences, and you will see, at once, what a violation of the natural laws this practice involves. Here, again, is one of the evil effects of the fast-eating of fast Americans. Hurrying almost to feverishness, at table, and only half masticating their food, the a.s.sistance of _ice-water_ is invoked to facilitate the process of swallowing, and to allay the more distressing symptoms produced by haste and fatigue!

Before we leave these little matters, let us return for an instant, to that of the _position_ a.s.sumed while _sitting_. The "_Yankee_"

peculiarity, so often ridiculed by foreigners, of tipping the chair back upon the two hind feet, is not yet obsolete, even in our "best society."

Occasionally some uninstructed rustic finds his way into a fashionable drawing-room, where "modern antique furniture," as the manufacturers call it in their advertis.e.m.e.nts, elicits all the proverbial ingenuity of his native land, to enable him to indulge in his favorite att.i.tude.

"I thought I saw the ghost of my chair!" said a fair friend to me, as soon as a visitor had left us together, one morning, not long since. "I was really distressed by his efforts to tilt it back--these fashionable chairs are so frail, and he would have been intensely mortified had he broken it! Have you seen the last 'Harper,' Colonel?"

Do not permit yourself, through an indifference to trifles, to fall into any unrefined habits in the use of the handkerchief, etc., etc. Boring the ears with the fingers, chafing the limbs, sneezing with unnecessary sonorousness, and even a too fond and ceaseless caressing of the moustache, are in bad taste. Everything connected with _personal_ discomfort, with the mere physique, should be as un.o.btrusively attended to as possible.

When a.s.sociated with women of cultivation and refinement--and you should addict yourself to no other female society--you cannot attend too carefully to the niceties of personal habit. Sensitive, fastidious, and very observant of _minutiae_--indeed often judging of character by _details_--you will inevitably lose ground with these discriminating observers, if neglectful of the trifles that go far towards const.i.tuting the _amenities of social life_. An elegant modern writer is authority for the fact that the Gauls attributed to woman, "an additional sense--the _divine sense_." Perhaps the Creator may have bestowed this gift upon the defenseless s.e.x, as a counterpoise to the superior strength and power of man, even as he has given to the more helpless of the lower creatures swiftness of motion, instead of capacity for resistance. But be that as it may, no man should permit himself any habit that will not bear the scrutiny of this _divine sense_--much less, one that will outrage all its fine perceptions.

Apropos of _details_--I will take leave to warn you against the _swaggering manner_ that some young men, whose bearing is otherwise unexceptionable, fall into among strangers, apparently with the mistaken idea that they will thus best sustain their claims to an unequivocal position in society. So in the sitting-rooms at hotels, in the pump-rooms at watering-places, on the decks of steamers, etc., persons whose juvenility ent.i.tles them to be cla.s.sed with those who have nursery authority for being "seen and not heard," are frequently the most conspicuous and noisy. Shallow, indeed, must be the discernment of observers who conceive a favorable impression of a young man from such an exhibition!

In company, do not stand, or walk about while others sit, nor sit while others stand--especially ladies. Acquire a light step, particularly for in-door use, and a _quiet_ mode of conducting yourself, generally.

Ladies and invalids will not then dread your presence as dangerous--like that of a rampant war-horse, ill-taught to

"Caper nimbly in a lady's chamber!"

If you are fond of playing at chess and other games, it will be worth your while to observe yourself until you have fixed habits of entire politeness, under such circ.u.mstances. All unnecessary movements, every manifestation of impatience or petulance, and all exultation when successful, should be repressed. Thus, while seeking amus.e.m.e.nt, you may acquire self-control.

Begin early to remember that health and good spirits are easily impaired, and that _habit_ will materially a.s.sist us in the patient endurance of suffering we should manifest for the sake of those about us--attendants, friends, "the bosom-friend dearer than all," whom no philosophy can teach insensibility to the semblance of unkindness from one enthroned in her affections.

Don't fall into the habit, because you are a branch of the _Lunettes_ family, of using gla.s.ses prematurely. _Students_ are much in error here.

Every young divinity-student, especially, seems emulous of this troublesome appendage. Depend on it, this is all wrong, either absurd affectation, or ignorance equally unfortunate.

Ladies, it is said, are the _readers_ of America, but who ever sees the dear creatures donning spectacles in youth? Enter a female college and look for the gla.s.ses that, were the youthful devotees of learning there a.s.sembled of the other s.e.x, would deform half the faces you observe.

Much better were it to inform yourselves of the laws of optics, and use the organs now so generally abused by the young, judiciously, resting them, when giving indications of being overtaxed, rather than endeavoring to supply artificial aid to their natural strength.

Students, especially, should always read and write with the _back to the light_, so seated that the light falls not upon the eyes, but upon the book or paper before them. That reminds me, too, how important it is that one should not _stoop forward_ more constantly than is necessary, while engaged in sedentary pursuits, but lean back rather than forward, as much as possible, throwing out the chest at the same time. Many books admit of being raised in the hand, in aid of this practice, and the habit of rising occasionally, and expanding the chest, and straightening the limbs will be found to relieve the weariness of the sedentary.

But nothing so effectually prevents injury to health, from studious habits, as _early rising_. This gives time for the out-door exercise that is so requisite as well as for the use of the eyes by _daylight_.

There is a great deal of nonsense mixed up with our literature, which seizes the fancy of the young, because embodied in poetry, or clothed with the charm of fiction. Of this nature is what we read about, "tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the midnight lamp," to search for the Pierean spring. Obey the

"Breezy call of incense-breathing morn,"

and she will environ you with a joyous band of blooming Hours, and guide you gaily and lightly towards sparkling waters, whose properties are Knowledge and Health!

But if you would habitually rise early, you must not permit every trivial temptation to prevent your also _retiring early_. The laws of fashionable life are sorely at variance with those of Health, on this point, as well as upon many others; but, happily, they are not _absolute_, and those who have useful purposes to accomplish each day, must withstand the tyranny of this arbitrary despot. Time for the toilet, for exercise, for intellectual culture and mental relaxation, is thus best secured. By using the earlier hours of each day for our most imperative occupations, we are far less at the mercy of contingent circ.u.mstances than we can become by any other system of life.

"Solitude," says Gibbon, "is the school of Genius," and the advantages of this tuition are most certainly secured before the idlers of existence are abroad!

Avoid the habit of regarding yourself as an invalid, and of taking nostrums. A knowledge and observance of the rules of _Dietetics_ are often better than the concentered wisdom of a Dispensary, abstinence more effective than medical applications, and the recuperative power of Nature, when left to work out her own restoration, frequently superior to the most skillful aid of learned research. But when compelled to avail yourself of medical a.s.sistance, seek that which _science_ and _integrity_ render safest. No sensible man, one would think, will intrust the best boon of earth to the merciless experiments of unprincipled and ignorant charlatans, or credulously swallow quack medicines recommended by old women: and yet, while people employ the most accomplished hatter, tailor, and boot-maker, whose services they can secure, they will give up the _inner_ man to the influence of such impositions upon the credulity of humanity!

a.s.suming, as an accepted truth, that it is your purpose, through life, to admit the rights of our fair tyrants

"In court or cottage, wheresoe'er their home,"

I will commend to you the early acquisition of habits appropriate to our relations to women as their _protectors_. In dancing, riding, driving, walking, boating, travelling, etc., etc.,--wherever the s.e.xes are brought together in this regard (and where are they not, indeed, when commingled at all?)--observe the gentle courtesies, exhibit the watchful care, that go far towards const.i.tuting the settled charms of such intercourse. It is not to be forgotten, as I think I have before remarked, that women judge of character, often, from trifling details; thus, any well-bred woman will be able to tell you which of her acquaintances habitually removes his hat, or throws aside his cigar, when addressing her, and who, of all others, is most watchful for her comfort, when she is abroad under his escort. Be sure, too, that this same fair one could confess, if she would make a revelation on the subject, exactly what men she shuns because they break her fans, disarrange her bouquets, tear her flounces, touch her paintings and prints with moist fingers (instead of merely _pointing_ to some part) handle delicate _bijouterie_ with dark gloves, dance with uncovered hands, etc., etc. But even if you are her _confidant_, she will not tell you how often her quick sensibility is wounded by fancying herself the subject of the _smirks_, _whispers_, and _knowing glances_ in which some men indulge when grouped with their kindred bipeds, in society!

At the risk of subjecting myself to the charge of repet.i.tion, I will endeavor, before concluding this letter, to enumerate such Habits as, in addition to those of which I have already spoken, I deem most ent.i.tled to the attention of those who are establishing a system of life.

_Habits of reading and studying_ once thoroughly formed, are invaluable, not only as affording a ready resource against _ennui_, or idleness, everywhere and under all circ.u.mstances, but as necessarily involving the acquisition of knowledge, even when of the most desultory character. It is wonderful how much general information may be gleaned by this practice of reading _something_ whenever one has a few spare grains of the "_gold-dust of Time_,"--minutes. I once found a remarkably well-informed woman of my acquaintance waiting to make breakfast for her husband and me, with a little old _dictionary_ open in her hand. "For what word are you looking, so early?" I inquired, as I discovered the character of the volume she held. "For no one in particular," returned she, "but one can always add to one's stores from any book, were it only in the matter of _spelling_." But the true way, of course, to derive most advantage from this enjoyment is to _systematize_ in relation to it, reading well-selected books with care and attention sufficient to enable us permanently to add the information they contain to our previous mental possessions.

You will only need to be reminded how much ease and elegance in _Reading aloud_ depend upon _habit_.

Without the _Habit of Industry_, good resolutions, the most sincere desire for self-improvement, and the most desirable natural gifts, will be of comparatively little avail for the practical purposes of existence. This unpretending attribute, together with _System_ and _Regularity_, has achieved more for the good of the race, than all the erratic efforts of genius combinedly.

"Don't run about," says a sensible writer, "and tell your acquaintances you have been unfortunate; people do not like to have unfortunate men for acquaintances. Add to a vigorous determination, a cheerful spirit; if reverses come, bear them like a philosopher, and get rid of them as soon as you can." _Cheerfulness_ and _Contentment_, like every other mental quality, may be cultivated until they materially a.s.sist us in enduring

"The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,"

and early attention to the attainment of these mental habits is a matter of both personal and relative duty.

Cherish _self-respect_ as, next to a firm religious faith, the best safeguard to respectability and peace of mind. Entirely consistent with--indeed, in a degree, productive of the most careful consideration of the rights of others, the legitimate development of this quality will tend to preserve you from unwise confidences, from injudicious intimacies, and from gross indulgences and unworthy pursuits. This will sustain you in the manly acknowledgment of _poverty_, if that shall chance to be your lot, when pride and principle contend for the mastery in practical matters, and enable you to realize fully, that

"To bear, is to conquer our fate!"

This will strengthen you to the endurance of that which nothing but absolute insignificance can escape--_calumny_. It will preserve you alike from an undue eagerness in defending yourself from unjust aspersion, and from a servile fear of "the world's dread laugh," from meriting and from resenting scandal, and convince you that its most effectual contradiction consists in a _virtuous life_. By listening to the dictates of this powerful _coadjutor of conscience_, you will believe with the poet, that

"Honor and Fame from no _condition_ rise,"

and thus, with straightforward and unvarying purpose, ill.u.s.trate your adoption of the motto,

"_Act well your part_, there all the honor lies!"

While I would earnestly counsel you to avoid that constant _self-consciousness_ which is nearly allied to vanity and egotism, if not identical with them, you will find the habitual practice of _self-examination_ greatly conducive to improvement. A calm, impartial a.n.a.lysis of words and actions, tracing each to their several motives, must tend to a.s.sist us to _know ourselves_, which an ancient philosopher, you may remember, p.r.o.nounced the highest human attainment.

Arraign yourself, without the advantage of _special pleading_, to borrow a legal phrase, at the bar of conscience, regarding this arbiter as the voice of Divinity enshrined within us, whenever a.s.sailed by doubts respecting any course of conduct you have adopted, or propose to adopt, and where you are thus taught to draw the line of demarcation between right and wrong,

"Let that aye be your border."

In this connection permit me to recommend the regular study of the _Bible_, and a systematic attendance upon public worship on the Sabbath.

Do not read this most wonderful of books as _a task_, nor yet permit the trammels of early a.s.sociations, hereditary prejudice, or blind superst.i.tion, to interfere with your search for the truths contained in its pages. Try to read the Scriptures as you would any other book, with the aid of such collateral information as you may be able to obtain respecting the origin of the several, and wholly, distinct productions of which it is composed, the authors of each, the purposes for which they were composed, and, in short, possess yourself of every available means of giving reality, simplicity, and truthfulness to your investigations. Study the _Life of Christ_, as written by the personal friends who were most constantly and intimately a.s.sociated with him.

Ponder upon his familiar sayings, remembered, and recorded in their simple memoranda, by the unlettered men who most frequently listened to them, compare the acts of Christ with his doctrines as a teacher, and judge for yourselves whether history, ancient or modern, has any parallel for the _Perfection of the Model_ thus exhibited to the human race. Decide whether he was not the only earthly being who "never did an injury, never resented one done to him, never uttered an untruth, never practised a deception, and never lost an opportunity of doing good."

Having determined this point in your own minds, adopt this glorious pattern for imitation, and adhere to it, until you find a truer and better model. We have nothing to do in judging of this matter with the imperfect ill.u.s.trations afforded by the lives of professed imitators of Christ of the perfectibility to which his teachings tend. Why look to indifferent copies, when the great original is ever before us! Why seek in the frailty and fallibility of human nature a justification of personal distrust and indifference?

No _gentleman_--to come to practicalities again--will indulge in ridiculing what intelligent, enlightened persons receive as truth, on any point, much less upon this. Nor will a well-bred man permit himself the habit of being _late at church_--were it only that those who stand in a _servile relation to others_, are often deprived of time for suitable preliminaries of the toilet, etc., he will carefully avoid this vulgarity.