The Adventures of Roderick Random Part 2

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who, understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an a.s.signation. Full of his conjecture, and scandalised at the prost.i.tution of his apartment, he s.n.a.t.c.hed up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chast.i.ty of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing but-"I take G.o.d to witness she's a virgin for me."

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain's bald pate till he roared "Murder." "I'll teach you to empty your stinkpots on me," cried she, "you pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb c.o.xcomb. What, I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?"

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that pa.s.sed with great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of "Rape! Murder! Rape!" which Jenny p.r.o.nounced with great vociferation. "Oh! You vile abominable old villain," said she, "would you rob me of my virtue? But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for heaven's sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!" Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate-that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. "Yes, c.o.c.katrice," continued he, "you know you laid this snare fur me-but you shan't succeed-for I will hang myself before you shall get a farthing of me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told us, "Gentlemen, here has been a d-d mistake; but I'll be revenged on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no harm to you." "I know not what you meant," replied she, sighing, "but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave." At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

CHAPTER XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat-an Affair between the Captain and me-the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release-we are in Danger of losing a Meal-the Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion-an Account of Captain Weazel and his Lady-the Captain's Courage tried-Isaac's mirth at the Captain's Expense Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my pa.s.sage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and a.s.sure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave a.s.sent, by saying, "he would box with him for a guinea." Weazel replied with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. "Odds bodikins!" cries Joey, "sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan't yaw, my lad?" Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with him." But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the captain that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain's colour change while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: "No, no, no; for the love of G.o.d, don't make any such bargain." At length, Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance asked, "Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?" With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one side, s.n.a.t.c.hed up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circ.u.mstances, uttered a dreadful scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that G.o.d would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and a.s.sured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great vehemence, "A sum of money!-a halter for the c.o.c.katrice!" "Oh! 'tis very well," said Miss Jenny; "I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of consequence." At the name of justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, "What she would have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas." "A hundred guineas!" cried he in an ecstacy, "a hundred furies! Where should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so much money, d'ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at this season of the year?" "Come, come," replied Jenny, "none of your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a p.a.w.n have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed." Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and observed, "The last affair happened that very day on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?" "Yes, my dear," replied the captain, "you know my lord said to me, with a sneer, 'Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.' And I answered cavalierly, 'My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.' Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me." We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the pa.s.sengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied, "the pa.s.sengers in the waggon might be d-d, their betters must be served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day." This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny, s.n.a.t.c.hing his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he cried, "Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?" "My dear Jack Rattle!" replied she, running into his arms, "is it you? Then Weazel may go to h.e.l.l for a dinner-I shall dine with you."

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who, falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of the gentleman's servants, who were left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensigned in -'s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which he resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the pa.s.sengers with the cry of a 'highwayman!' as soon as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, "Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!" Weazel pretended to be in a great pa.s.sion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him. "D-n my blood! what are you afraid of?" continued he; at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried, "D-n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey-let me out, and by G-d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also." So saying she leaped out with great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, "Who have we got here?" Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, "Here's a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if you rob me of we must all starve together." "Who's that sobbing in the other corner?" said the supposed highwayman. "A poor unfortunate woman," answered Mrs. Weazle, "upon whom I beg you, for Christ's sake, to have compa.s.sion." "Are you maid or wife," said he. "Wife, to my sorrow," said she. "Who, or where is your husband?" continued he. "My husband," replied Mrs. Weazel, "is an officer in the army and was left sick at the last inn where we dined." "You must be mistaken, madam," said he, "for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners." Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him out from under his wife's petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, "What's the matter? What's the matter?" "The matter is not much," answered the horseman; "I only called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most n.o.ble captain." He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length rea.s.suming the big look, he said, "D-n the fellow! why did he ride away before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do I? Don't you remember Tom, my dear?" addressing himself to his wife. "Yes," replied she, "I think I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his station." "Hey-day!" cried Joey, "do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?" "Know him," said Weazel, "many a time has he filled a gla.s.s of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett's table." "And what may his name be, coptain?" said Joey. "His name!-his name," replied Weazel, "is Tom Rinser." "Waunds," cried Joey, "a has changed his own neame then! for I'se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter." This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, "It is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected, and we ought to bless G.o.d for our narrow escape." "Bless G.o.d," said Weazel, "bless the devil! for what? Had he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence." "Ha, ha, ha," cried Miss Jenny, "I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain." The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac's throat. The usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, "Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that in my life is in danger from this b.l.o.o.d.y-minded officer; I'll have him bound over to the peace." This second sneer produced another laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey.

CHAPTER XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition-Strap's Conjecture-the Mystery explained by Joey-we arrive in London-our Dress and Appearance described-we are insulted in the Street-an Adventure in an Alehouse-we are imposed upon by a waggish Footman-set to rights by a Tobacconist-take Lodgings-dive for a Dinner-an Accident at our Ordinary We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap's distemper continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter, he replied, with a broken accent, "G.o.d have mercy on us! I have seen the devil!" Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these words, "Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!" At that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion, and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, b.u.t.toned behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me: when he reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature, "Where is Ralph?" I made no reply: upon which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, "Where is Ralpho?" He had no sooner p.r.o.nounced these words than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to, tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he a.s.sured me that the first must certainly be the soul of some person d.a.m.ned, which appeared by the chain about his legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of ma.s.sy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted to forment the a.s.sa.s.sin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures never pa.s.sed a night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old man was the landlord's father, who had been an idiot some years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up. Next morning all the pa.s.sengers parted different ways, while my companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and, marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber's basin, in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare, accompanied with the word "Anan!" Upon which I came up, in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman d.a.m.ning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his horses with a "Gee ho!" which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, "A coach, master!" by a dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my great mortification; but one, more compa.s.sionate than the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and, going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding, by our dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to me and, with a grave countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution, could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him in a peremptory tone, "He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his betters." Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had got in his knapsack? "Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?" said he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all present. My companion, feeling himself a.s.saulted in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out, "That's a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play." His a.s.surance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we pa.s.sed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must pa.s.s, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circ.u.mstance that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to p.r.o.nounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House. I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by him. "Well, then," says he, "there are two ways of eating in this town for people of your condition-the one more creditable and expensive than the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally." I gave him to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better with our circ.u.mstances than the other. "Infamous!" cried he, "not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear witness-I will go along with you to-day and introduce you."

He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the patient's stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.

CHAPTER XIV

We visit Strap's friend-a description of him-his advice-we go to Mr. Cringer's house-are denied admittance-an Accident befalls Strap-his behaviour thereupon-an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my money In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend's house, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the p.r.o.nunciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a t.i.ttle: for although I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant's old sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the Second's reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously, he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my situation, he a.s.sured me that he would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and muttering, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!" I soon guessed the reason of his e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, and said, "I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress." "Dress," answered he, "you may caal it fat you please in your country, but I vow to Gad 'tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pa.s.s through St. James's market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an ourangoutang." I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into business? "Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer," replied he, scratching his cheek, "may be a very honest gentleman-I know nothing to the contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?" I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes, at which he stared at me, and repeated "Oh dear! Oh dear!" I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would a.s.sist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks, which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend, who, it seems, had a.s.sured him he would in a day or two provide for him with some good master; "I and now," says he, "I you will see how I will fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair, upon me." And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice (if a good handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, Strap, to give me all instance of his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening in the second story of the next house, a vessel was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing n.o.body in the street but us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, pa.s.sing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which having examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: "Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown." I was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings and twopence, a.s.sured him I had lost nothing. "Well, then, says he, so much the better; this is a G.o.dsend, and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are ent.i.tled to equal shares with me." I was astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused to take any part of the sum. "Come, gentlemen," said he, "you are too modest-I see you are strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning." I would have declined the invitation, but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. "Where shall we go?" said the stranger; "I am quite ignorant of this part of the town." I informed him that we were in the same situation; upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: "I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the father's side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your Dougla.s.ses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such ancient families here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his mother-tongue. And for honesty-I once had a servant, his name was Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold."

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly, that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we pa.s.sed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he a.s.sured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and drank heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him awake. "Suppose," said he, "we should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see: that won't do, there's only three of us; and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep."

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pa.s.s an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, "I wish we could find a fourth hand." While we were in this perplexity the person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus: "Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see," shaking the ashes into the fire, "and rather than you should be balked, I don't care if I take a hand with you for a trifle-but remember I won't play for anything of consequence." We accepted his proffer with pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in a short time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge: and cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant G.o.ddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so much that I challenged him to a game at piquet for a crown: and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strip absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with my money, began in this manner:-"I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far us it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and your pa.s.sions are too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I don't half like him. Did not you see me tip you the wink to leave off in time?" I answered, "No." "No," continued he; "you was too eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee," said he in a whisper, "are you satisfied of that young man's honesty? His looks are a little suspicious-but I may be mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked town." I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety of my loss. "Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord, see what's to pay." The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which, having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed.

CHAPTER XV

Strap moralises-presents his purse to me-we inform our landlord of our misfortune-he unravels the mystery-I present myself to Cringer-he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape-I become acquainted with a fellow dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and Staytape-and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office and Surgeons' Hall-Strap is employed In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: "G.o.d send us well out of this place; we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly.-Solomon says, 'Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise.' Ah! G.o.d help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold." This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion, uttered, "Fool! I called n.o.body fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes; but 'Nemo omnibus horis sapit'-that's all, that's all." Upon which a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, "I know what you think, but I scorn your thought. There's all I have in the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that be done. If not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and stay with you; for though I be a poor cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so much touched with the generous pa.s.sion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he a.s.sured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were a.s.sociates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, we made it his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to a.s.sist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat-nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that G.o.d would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of pa.s.sage for an answer. In this place I continued standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pa.s.s and repa.s.s, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till he had consulted the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name was Random. Upon which he went on, "Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random-I think I remember the name:" and very well he might, for this very individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. "Well," says he, "you propose to go on board a man-of-war as surgeon's mate." I replied by a low bow. "I believe it will be a difficult matter," continued he, "to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what's to be done." So saying, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap's being employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the member's interest, but was treated with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, after a whisper, which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the word 'honour' repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and a.s.sistance I might depend upon; and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me, overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a blue frock with a b.u.t.ton, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his hand. "I perceive," says he, "you are but lately come from Scotland; pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable, for I have been surgeon's second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world."

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same circ.u.mstances about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer's promises, until his money (which was considerable) as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to p.a.w.n some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had gone on board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out of commission, and he said the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet pa.s.sed at Surgeons' Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was necessary. "Necessary:" cried he, "Oh then I find I must instruct you: come along with me, and I'll give you information about that matter." So Saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to Surgeon's Hall, that I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the Board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents; after which I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary, which consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was ran out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in the way of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. "How!" cried I, "is Mr. Staytape a tailor." "No less, I a.s.sure you," answered he, "and, I confess, more likely to serve you than the member; for, provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please." I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer's usage, that I would never set foot within his door again.

After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order to set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap and related everything which had happened, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by appearances. "However," said he, "if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe."

CHAPTER XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment-I proceed, by myself, to the Navy Office-address me to a person there, who a.s.sists me with advice-write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at the Hall-am informed of the beau's name and character-find him-he makes me his confidant in an amour-desires me to p.a.w.n my linen for his occasions-recover what I lent him-some curious observations on Strap on that occasion-his vanity.

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain,