That Mother-in-Law of Mine Part 3

Pinkerton expressed the hope that we were to attend divine service together. I hadn't thought of it till that moment, and then it struck me as a terrible bore. There was no church within ten miles except a little white, meek edifice in the neighboring village, occupied alternately by Methodist and Baptist expounders of a very Calvinistic, and, to me, a very unattractive sort of religion. It was not altogether to my mother-in-law's liking, but she regarded any church as far better than none.

"I presume you will go, sir," she said, addressing me when I made no reply to the previous hint. She always used "sir," with a peculiar emphasis, when any suggestion was intended to have the force of a command.

"Well, really, I had not thought about it," I said, rather vexed, as I secretly made up my mind, reckless of my policy of conciliation, that I would not go at any price. A tedious, droning sermon of an hour and perhaps an hour and a half in a country church, full of dismal doctrines,-the sermon, not the church,-I couldn't stand, I thought.

Mrs. Pinkerton's eyes were upon me, waiting for a more definite answer.

"I-well, no, I don't think I really feel like it this morning. I thought I would read to Bessie quietly in our room, and take a rest."

"Very well, sir," she said, "Bessie and I will walk down to the village."

"The deuce you will!" I thought; "walk a mile and a half on a dusty road; to be bored!" I knew it was useless to protest, and I was too wilful to take back what I had said, have the team harnessed, and go, like a good fellow, to church. "No, I'll be blowed if I do!" I muttered.

So off went the widow and her daughter without me. Bessie tripped around to me on the piazza, looking like a fairy in her white dress and bit of blue ribbon, gave me a sweet kiss, and said, "I'll be back before dinner. Have a nice quiet time, now."

"Oh, yes; have a nice quiet time, and you gone off with that old dragon!" It was a wicked thought, for she was not a bit of a dragon, but the feeling came over me that I was going to feel miserable all the forenoon, and so I did. Miss Van and her uncle had gone early to the neighboring town, the largest in the county, for church and the opportunity of observing; Fred and his wife had gone, the night before, round to the other side of the mountains, where there was to be a sort of ball or hop at the leading hotel; and the rest of the people in the house might as well have been in the moon, for all that I cared about them. A nice quiet time! Oh, yes; lounging about and trying to think of something besides Mrs. Pinkerton and my own shabby behavior. I would ten times rather have been in the dullest country church that ever echoed to the voice of the old and unimproved theology of Calvin's day. But I was in for it, and lay in the hammock and looked through the stables, tried to read, tried to sleep, started on a walk and came back, and almost cursed the quiet country Sunday, as specially calculated to make a man of sense feel wretched.

At last Bessie and her mother returned, and we had dinner. In the afternoon I was an outcast from Mrs. Pinkerton's favor, but I had Bessie and read to her, and, on the whole, got through the rest of the day comfortably.

The week following I began to feel that this was getting tiresome. Under other circ.u.mstances it might be very pleasant, but really I began to doubt whether I was enjoying it. But I made up my mind that during these days of leisure I ought to be making progress in the favor of my mother-in-law, with whom I was destined to live, n.o.body could say how many years. I couldn't and wouldn't make a martyr or a hypocrite of myself. I wouldn't conceal my actions or deny myself freedom. So I smoked with Fred, played billiards, rolled ten-pins with Fred's wife and Miss Van, and even beguiled Bessie into that vigorous and healthful exercise, which brought a gentle reprimand from her mother, addressed to her but directed at me. She did not think that kind of amus.e.m.e.nt becoming to ladies who had a proper respect for themselves.

"Why, mamma, Miss Van Duzen plays, and says she thinks it jolly fun,"

said Bessie innocently.

"That doesn't alter the case in the least," was the rejoinder. "Miss Van Duzen can judge for herself. I don't think it proper. Besides, your husband's familiar way with those ladies-one of whom is married and no better than she ought to be, if appearances mean anything-does not please me at all."

"O mamma, how absurd! I see no harm in it at all, and poor Lizzie, I am sure, never means any harm."

"Well, well, my dear, I don't wish to say anything about other people, and I only hope you will never have occasion to see any harm in your husband's evident preference for the company of people with loose notions about proper and becoming behavior."

On Sat.u.r.day of that week a little incident occurred that raised me perceptibly in Mrs. Pinkerton's estimation. The great, lumbering stage-coach came up just at evening, more heavily laden than usual, and top-heavy with trunks piled up on the roof. The driver dashed along with his customary recklessness, the six horses breaking into a canter as they turned to come up the rather steep acclivity to the house. The coach was drawn about a foot from its usual rut, one of the wheels struck a projecting stone, and over went the huge vehicle, pa.s.sengers, trunks, and all. The driver took a terrible leap and was stunned. The horses stopped and looked calmly around on the havoc. There was great consternation in and about the house. Here my natural self-possession came into full play. I took command of the situation at once, directed prompt and vigorous efforts to the extrication of the pa.s.sengers, had the injured ones taken into the house, applied proper restoratives, and in a few minutes ascertained that only one was seriously hurt. She was a young girl, who had insisted on riding outside, higher up even than the driver. She had been thrown headlong, striking, fortunately, on the gra.s.s, but terribly bruising one side of her face and dislocating her left shoulder. In a trice I had made her as comfortable as possible; dashed down to the village for the nearest doctor, having had the forethought to order a team harnessed in antic.i.p.ation of such a necessity; and, having started the doctor up in a hurry, kept on to the neighboring county town for a surgeon who had considerable local reputation. I had him on the ground in a surprisingly short time, and before bedtime the unfortunate girl was put in the way of recovery, having received no internal injury.

My behavior in this affair, as I said, gave me a lift in my mother-in-law's estimation, and of course filled Bessie with the most unbounded admiration, though I had never thought of the moral effect of my action. In the morning I determined to follow up my advantage. It was Sunday again, and I bespoke the team early, to go to the neighboring town, where there was an Episcopal church, and where, for that day, a distinguished divine from the city, who was spending his vacation in those parts, was to hold forth. When I had announced my preparation for the religious observance of the day, I actually received what was almost a smile of approval from my mother-in-law. I enjoyed the ride, and was not greatly bored by the service, for I was thinking of something else most of the time, or amusing my mind with the native congregation. We got back late to dinner, and the rest had left the dining-room. The ladies went in without removing their bonnets, and after dinner retired to their rooms.

As I came out on the piazza, Fred, who was walking about in a restless way, puffing his cigar with a sort of ferocity, as though determined to put it through as speedily as possible, shouted, "h.e.l.lo! Charlie, old boy, where the eternal furies have you been? Here I have been about this dead, sleepy, stupid place all the morning, with nothing to do and n.o.body to speak to!"

"Why, where's Mrs. M.?"

"Lib? Oh, she's been here, but then she was reading a ghastly stupid novel, and wasn't company; and she went off to the big boarding-house down the road half a mile, to dine with a friend. I wouldn't go to the blasted place, and really think she didn't want me to. But where in thunder were you all the while?"

"At church, to be sure, with my wife and her mother."

"Oh, yes!" was the reply, peculiarly prolonged, as if the idea never occurred to him before. "How long since you became so pious, old man?

Didn't suppose you knew what the inside of a church was used for. The outside is mainly useful to put a clock on, where it can be seen. Old Pink,-beg pardon! Mrs. Pinkerton,-I suppose, dragged you along by main force."

"Not at all. I went of my own motion; in fact, suggested it to the ladies."

"You don't say so! Well, I see she is bringing you around. It is she that is destined to gain the supremacy."

"Pshaw! Is my going to church such an indication of submission? It wouldn't do you any harm to go to church once in a while, Fred."

"Well, I don't know about that," he said, taking out his cigar, and stretching his feet to the top of the bal.u.s.trade; "I don't know about that. I am afraid it might be the ruin of me. I might become awfully pious, and then what a stick and a moping man of rags I should become. I tell you, Charlie, my boy, there's many a good fellow spoilt by too much church and Sunday school."

"Perhaps," I replied, "but you and I are beyond danger."

"Well, yes, but you can't be too careful of yourself, you know."

There was no answering that, and we relapsed into commonplace, and finished our cigars.

"Where's old Dives to-day, and his charming niece, the lively Van?"

asked Fred, after an uncommon fit of silent contemplation.

"They went over to some town thirty or forty miles away, yesterday, and haven't got back," I replied.

"I tell you, that girl knows how to circ.u.mvent these stupid Sundays, don't she, though? And she takes old Dives along wherever she wants to go. I believe she would take him where the other Dives went, if she was disposed to take a trip there herself. But, holy Jerusalem! what are we to do to get through the rest of the day. No company, no billiards, no fishing. Confound the prejudices of society. I tell you, it is just such women as that mother-in-law of yours that keep society intimidated, as it were, into artificial proprieties. Now where's the harm of a pleasant game on a Sunday, more than sitting here and grumbling and cursing because there's nothing to do?"

I made no reply, and Fred lighted another cigar. He was evidently thinking of something. "Look here, old fellow," he said at length in an undertone, something very unusual with him, "come up to my room. You haven't seen it. Lib won't be back till teatime, and perhaps we can find something to amuse ourselves."

He led the way and I followed, thinking no harm. His room was up stairs and on the back of the house, looking up the great hill that stretched back to the clouds. As we entered, I found he had brought a good many things with him, and given the room much the air of the quarters of a bachelor in the city. His sleeping-room was separate from that, and formed a sort of boudoir for his wife. He motioned me to an easy-chair, set a box of fine cigars on the table, and going to the closet brought out a decanter of sherry and some gla.s.ses.

"In these cursed places, you can get nothing to drink," he said, "unless on the sly, and I hate that; so I bring along my own beverages, you see."

I saw and tasted, and found it very good. He was still fumbling about the closet, with profane e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns, and finally emerged with something in his hand that I at first took for a small book. But he unblushingly put on the table that pasteboard volume sometimes called the Devil's Bible. "Come," he said, "where's the harm? Let us have a quiet game of Casino or California Jack, or something else. It is better than perishing of stupidity."

I demurred. I was not over-scrupulous, but I had sufficient of my early breeding left to have a qualm of conscience at the thought of playing cards on Sunday.

"Oh, nonsense!" said Fred, carelessly, as he proceeded to deal the cards for Casino. "There, you have an ace and little Casino right before you.

Go ahead, old man!"

I made a feeble show of protesting, but took up my cards, and, finding that I could capture the ace and little Casino, took them. From that the play went on; I became quite absorbed, and dismissed my scruples, when, as the sun was getting low, a shadow pa.s.sed the window.

"Great Jupiter!" I exclaimed, looking up. "Does that second-story piazza go all the way round here?"

"To be sure," answered Fred, whose back was to the window. "Why not?

What did you see,-a spook?"

"My mother-in-law!"

"The devil!"

"No, Mrs. Pinkerton!"

"Well, what do you care? You are your own boss, I hope."

"Yes, of course; but she will be terribly offended, and I think it would be pleasanter for all concerned to keep in her good graces."

"Gammon! a.s.sert your rights, be master of yourself, and teach the old woman her place. D-- me, if I would have a mother-in-law riding over me, or prying around to see what I was about!"

"Oh, I am sure she pa.s.sed the window by accident. She would never pry around; it isn't her style; she has a fine sense of propriety, has my mother-in-law!"