Tehanu. Part 5

He came to stand near her, also looking out at the misty horizon of the sea, the stars, the dark bulk of the mountain above them.

"n.o.body much," he said. "My mother died when I was a baby. There were some older brothers. I don't remember them. There was my father the smith. And my mother's sister. She was the witch of Ten Alders."

"Aunty Moss," Tenar said.

"Younger. She had some power.

"What was her name?"

He was silent.

"I cannot remember," he said slowly.

After a while he said, "She taught me the names. Falcon, pilgrim falcon, eagle, osprey, goshawk, sparrowhawk "What do you call that star? The white one, up high."

"The Heart of the Swan," he said, looking up at it. "In Ten Alders they called it the Arrow."

But he did not say its name in the Language of the Making, nor the true names the witch had taught him of hawk, falcon, sparrowhawk.

"What I said-in there-was wrong," he said softly. "I shouldn't speak at all. Forgive me.

"If you won't speak, what can I do but leave you?" She turned to him. "Why do you think only of yourself? always of yourself? Go outside awhile," she told him, wrathful. "I want to go to bed."

Bewildered, muttering some apology, he went out; and she, going to the alcove, slipped out of her clothes and into the bed, and hid her face in the sweet warmth of Therru's silky nape.

"Knowing what her life must be . . . "

Her anger with him, her stupid denial of the truth of what he told her, rose from disappointment. Though Lark had said ten times over that nothing could be done, yet she had hoped that Tenar could heal the burns; and for all her saying that even Ogion could not have done it, Tenar had hoped that Ged could heal Therru-could lay his hand on the scar and it would be whole and well, the blind eye bright, the clawed hand soft, the ruined life intact.

"Knowing what her life must be . . . "

The averted faces, the signs against evil, the horror and curiosity, the sickly pity and the prying threat, for harm draws harm to it . . . And never a man's arms. Never anyone to hold her. Never anyone but Tenar. Oh, he was right, the child should have died, should be dead. They should have let her go into that dry land, she and Lark and Ivy, meddling old women, softhearted and cruel. He was right, he was always right. But then, the men who had used her for their needs and games, the woman who had suffered her to be used-they had been quite right to beat her unconscious and push her into the fire to burn to death. Only they had not been thorough. They had lost their nerve, they had left some life in her. That had been wrong. And everything she, Tenar, had done was wrong. She had been given to the dark powers as a child: she had been eaten by them, she had been suffered to be eaten. Did she think that by crossing the sea, by learning other languages, by being a man s wife, a mother of children, that by merely living her life, she could ever be anything but what she was-their servant, their food, theirs to use for their needs and games? Destroyed, she had drawn the destroyed to her, part of her own ruin, the body of her own evil.

The child's hair was fine, warm, sweet-smelling. She lay curled up in the warmth of Tenar's arms, dreaming. What wrong could she be? Wronged, wronged beyond all repair, but not wrong. Not lost, not lost, not lost. Tenar held her and lay still and set her mind on the light of her dreaming, the gulfs of bright air, the name of the dragon, the name of the star, Heart of the Swan, the Arrow, Tehanu.

She was combing the black goat for the fine underwool that she would spin and take to a weaver to make into cloth, the silky "fleecefell" of Gont Island. The old black goat had been combed a thousand times, and liked it, leaning into the dig and pull of the wire comb-teeth. The grey-black combings grew into a soft, dirty cloud, which Tenar at last stuffed into a net bag; she worked some burrs out of the fringes of the goat's ears by way of thanks, and slapped her barrel flank companionably. "Bah!" the goat said, and trotted off. Tenar let herself out of the fenced pasture and came around in front of the house, glancing over the meadow to make sure Therru was still playing there.

Moss had shown the child how to weave gra.s.s baskets, and clumsy as her crippled hand was, she had begun to get the trick of it. She sat there in the meadow gra.s.s with her work on her lap, but she was not working. She was watching Sparrowhawk.

He stood a good way off, nearer the cliff's edge. His back was turned, and he did not know anyone was watching him, for he was watching a bird, a young kestrel; and she in turn was watching some small prey she had glimpsed in the gra.s.s. She hung beating her wings, wanting to flush the vole or mouse, to panic it into a rush to its nest. The man stood, as intent, as hungry, gazing at the bird. Slowly he lifted his right hand, holding the forearm level, and he seemed to speak, though the wind bore his words away. The kestrel veered, crying her high, harsh, keening cry, and shot up and off toward the forests.

The man lowered his arm and stood still, watching the bird. The child and the woman were still. Only the bird flew, went free. saw the hawk; saw the man; saw the birds come to him, come at his word, at his naming them, come beating their wings to hold his arm with their fierce talons; saw herself the hawk, the wild bird.

"He came to me once as a falcon, a pilgrim falcon," Ogion had said, by the fire, on a winter day. He had been telling her of the spells of Changing, of transformations, of the mage Bordger who had become a bear. "He flew to me, to my wrist, out of the north and west. I brought him in by the fire here. He could not speak. Because I knew him, I was able to help him; he could put off the falcon, and be a man again, But there was always some hawk in him. They called him Sparrowhawk in his village because the wild hawks would come to him, at his word. Who are we? What is it to be a man? Before he had his name, before he had knowledge, before he had power, the hawk was in him, and the man, and the mage, and more-he was what we cannot name. And so are we all."

The girl sitting at the hearth, gazing at the fire, listening,

Mice

Townsend, the sheep-buyer who had brought Ogion's message to the farm in Middle Valley, came out one afternoon to the mage's house.

"Will you be selling the goats, now Lord Ogion's gone?"

"I might," Tenar said neutrally. She had in fact been wondering how, if she stayed in Re Albi, she would get on. Like any wizard, Ogion had been supported by the people his skills and powers served-in his case, anyone on Gont. He had only to ask and what he needed would be given gratefully, a good bargain for the goodwill of a mage; but he never had to ask. Rather he had to give away the excess of food and raiment and tools and livestock and all necessities and ornaments that were offered or simply left on his doorstep. "What shall I do with them?" he would demand, perplexed, standing with his arms full of indignant, squawking chickens, or yards of tapestry, or pots of pickled beets.

But Tenar had left her living in the Middle Valley. She had not thought when she left so suddenly of how long she might stay. She had not brought with her the seven pieces of ivory, Flint's h.o.a.rd; nor would that money have been of use in the village except to buy land or livestock, or deal with some trader up from Gont Port peddling pellawi furs or silks of Lorbanery to the rich farmers and little lords of Gont. Flint's farm gave her all she and Therru needed to eat and wear; but Ogion's six goats and his beans and onions had been for his pleasure rather than his need. She had been living off his larder, the gifts of villagers who gave to her for his sake, and the generosity of Aunty Moss. Just yesterday the witch had said, "Dearie, my ringneck hen's brood's hatched out, and I'll bring you two-three chickies when they begin to scratch. The mage wouldn't keep 'em, too noisy and silly, he said, but what's a house without chickies at the door?"

Indeed her hens wandered in and out of Moss's door freely, and slept on her bed, and enriched the smells of the dark, smoky, reeking room beyond belief.

"There's a brown-and-white yearling nanny will make a fine milch goat," Tenar said to the sharp-faced man.

"I was thinking of the whole lot," he said. "Maybe. Only five or six of 'em, right?"

"Six. They're in the pasture up there if you want to have a look."

"I'll do that." But he didn't move. No eagerness, of course, was to be evinced on either side.

"Seen the great ship come in?" he asked.

Ogion's house looked west and north, and from it one could see only the rocky headlands at the mouth of the bay, the Armed Cliffs; but from the village itself at several places one could look down the steep back-and-forth road to Gont Port and see the docks and the whole harbor. Shipwatching was a regular pursuit in Re Albi. There were generallY a couple of old men on the bench behind the smithy, which gave the best view, and though they might never in their lives have gone down the fifteen zigzag miles of that road to Gont Port, they watched the comings and goings of ships as a spectacle, strange yet familiar, provided for their entertainment. one could see only the rocky headlands at the mouth of the bay, the Armed Cliffs; but from the village itself at several places one could look down the steep back-and-forth road to Gont Port and see the docks and the whole harbor. Shipwatching was a regular pursuit in Re Albi. There were generallY a couple of old men on the bench behind the smithy, which gave the best view, and though they might never in their lives have gone down the fifteen zigzag miles of that road to Gont Port, they watched the comings and goings of ships as a spectacle, strange yet familiar, provided for their entertainment.

"From Havnor, smith's boy said. He was down in Port bargaining for ingots. Come up yesterevening late. The great ship's from Havnor Great Port, he said."

He was probably talking to keep her mind off the price of goats, and the slyness of his look was probably simply the way his eyes were made. But Havnor Great Port traded little with Gont, a poor and remote island notable only for wizards, pirates, and goats; and something in the words, "the great ship," troubled or alarmed her, she did not know why.

"He said they say there's a king in Havnor now," the sheep-buyer went on, with a sidelong glance.

"That might be a good thing," said Tenar.

Townsend nodded. "Might keep the foreign riffraff out."

Tenar nodded her foreign head pleasantly. "But there's those down in Port won't be pleased, maybe." He meant the pirate sea-captains of Gont, whose control of the northeastern seas had been increasing of late years to the point where many of the old trade-schedules with the central islands of the Archipelago had been disrupted or abandoned; this impoverished everyone on Gont except the pirates, but that did not prevent the pirates from being heroes in the eyes of most Gontishmen. For all she knew, Tenar's son was a sailor on a pirate ship. And safer, maybe, as such than on a steady merchantman. Better shark than herring, Better shark than herring, as they said. as they said.

"There's some who're never pleased no matter what," Tenar said, automatically following the rules of conversation, but impatient enough with them that she added, rising, "I'll show you the goats. You can have a look. I don't know if we'll sell all or any." And she took the man to the broom-pasture gate and left him. She did not like him. It wasn't his fault that he had brought her bad news once and maybe twice, but his eyes slid, and she did not like his company. She wouldn't sell him Ogion's goats. Not even Sippy.

After he had left, bargainless, she found herself uneasy. She had said to him, "I don't know if we'll sell," and that had been foolish, to say we we instead of instead of 1, 1, when he hadn't asked to speak to Sparrowhawk, hadn't even alluded to him, as a man bargaining with a woman was more than likely to do, especially when she was refusing his offer. when he hadn't asked to speak to Sparrowhawk, hadn't even alluded to him, as a man bargaining with a woman was more than likely to do, especially when she was refusing his offer.

She did not know what they made of Sparrowhawk, of his presence and nonpresence, in the village. Ogion, aloof and silent and in some ways feared, had been their own mage and their fellow-villager. Sparrowhawk they might be proud of as a name, the archmage who had lived awhile in Re Albi and done wonderful things, fooling a dragon in the Ninety Isles, bringing the Ring of Erreth-Akbe back from somewhere or other; but they did not know him. Nor did he know them. He had not gone into the village since he came, only to the forest, the wilderness. She had not thought about it before, but he avoided the village as surely as Therru did. before, but he avoided the village as surely as Therru did.

They must have talked about him. It was a village, and people talked. But gossip about the doings of wizards and mages would not go far. The matter was too uncanny, the lives of men of power were too strange, too different from their own. "Let be," she had heard villagers in the Middle Valley say when somebody got to speculating too freely about a visiting weatherworker or their own wizard, Beech-' 'Let be. He goes his way, not ours.

As for herself, that she should have stayed on to nurse and serve such a man of power would not seem a questionable matter to them; again it was a case of "Let be." She had not been very much in the village herself; they were neither friendly nor unfriendly to her. She had lived there once in Weaver Fan's cottage, she was the old mage's ward, he had sent Townsend down round the mountain for her; all that was very well. But then she had come with the child, terrible to look at, who'd walk about in daylight with it was a case of "Let be." She had not been very much in the village herself; they were neither friendly nor unfriendly to her. She had lived there once in Weaver Fan's cottage, she was the old mage's ward, he had sent Townsend down round the mountain for her; all that was very well. But then she had come with the child, terrible to look at, who'd walk about in daylight with it by choice? And what kind of woman would be a wizard's pupil, a wizard's nurse? Witchery there, sure enough, and foreign too. But all the same, she was wife to a rich farmer way down there in the Middle Valley; though he was dead and she a widow. Well, who could understand the ways of the witchfolk? Let be, better let be.... by choice? And what kind of woman would be a wizard's pupil, a wizard's nurse? Witchery there, sure enough, and foreign too. But all the same, she was wife to a rich farmer way down there in the Middle Valley; though he was dead and she a widow. Well, who could understand the ways of the witchfolk? Let be, better let be....

She met the Archmage of Earthsea as he came past the garden fence. She said, "They say there's a ship in from the City of Havnor. "

He stopped. He made a movement, quickly controlled, but it had been the beginning of a turn to run, to break and run like a mouse from a hawk. had been the beginning of a turn to run, to break and run like a mouse from a hawk.

"Ged!" she said. "What is it?"

"I can't, " he said. "I can't face them."

"Who?"

"Men from him. From the king."

His face had gone greyish, as when he was first here, and he looked around for a place to hide.

His terror was so urgent and undefended that she thought only how to spare him. "You needn't see them. If anybody comes I'll send them away. Come back to the house now. You haven't eaten all day."

"There was a man there," he said.

"Townsend, pricing goats. I sent him him away. Come on!" He came with her, and when they were in the house she shut the door. away. Come on!" He came with her, and when they were in the house she shut the door.

"They couldn't harm you, surely, Ged. Why would they want to?"

He sat down at the table and shook his head dully. "No, no.

"Do they know you're here?"

"I don't know."

"What is it you're afraid of?" she asked, not impatiently, but with some rational authority.

He put his hands across his face, rubbing his temples and forehead, looking down. "I was--" he said. "I'm not- It was all he could say.

She stopped him, saying, "All right, it's all right." She dared not touch him lest she worsen his humiliation by any semblance of pity. She was angry at him, and for him. "It's none of their business,' ' she said, "where you are, or who you are, or what you choose to do or not to do! If they come prying they can leave curious." That was Lark's saying. She had a pang of longing for the company of an ordinary, sensible woman. "Anyhow, the ship may have nothing at all to do with you. They may be chasing pirates home. It ll be a good thing, too, when the king gets around to doing that.. . . I found some wine in the back of the cupboard, a couple of bottles, I wonder how long Ogion had it squirreled away there. I think we'd both do well with a gla.s.s of wine. And some bread and cheese. The little one's had her dinner and gone off with Heather to catch frogs. There may be frogs' legs for supper. But bread and cheese for now. And wine. I wonder where it's from, who brought it squirreled away there. I think we'd both do well with a gla.s.s of wine. And some bread and cheese. The little one's had her dinner and gone off with Heather to catch frogs. There may be frogs' legs for supper. But bread and cheese for now. And wine. I wonder where it's from, who brought it to Ogion, how old it to Ogion, how old it is?" So she talked along, woman's babble, saving him from having to make any answer or misread any silence, until he had got over the crisis of shame, and eaten a little, and drunk a gla.s.s of the old, soft, red wine. is?" So she talked along, woman's babble, saving him from having to make any answer or misread any silence, until he had got over the crisis of shame, and eaten a little, and drunk a gla.s.s of the old, soft, red wine.

"It's best I go, Tenar," he said. "Till I learn to be what I am now.

"Go where?' '

"Up on the mountain."

"Wandering-like Ogion?' ' She looked at him. She remembered walking with him on the roads of Atuan, deriding him: "Do wizards often beg?" And he had answered, "Yes, but they try to give something in exchange. " '

She asked cautiously, "Could you get on for a while as a weatherworker, or a finder?" She filled his gla.s.s full.

He shook his head. He drank wine, and looked away. "No," he said. "None of that. Nothing of that."

She did not believe him. She wanted to rebel, to deny, to say to him, How can it be, how can you say that-as if you'd forgotten all you know, all you learned from Ogion, and at Roke, and in your traveling! You can't have forgotten the words, the names, the acts of your art. You learned, you earned your power!-She kept herself from saying that, but she murmured, "I don't understand. How can it all . . . ' ' be, how can you say that-as if you'd forgotten all you know, all you learned from Ogion, and at Roke, and in your traveling! You can't have forgotten the words, the names, the acts of your art. You learned, you earned your power!-She kept herself from saying that, but she murmured, "I don't understand. How can it all . . . ' '

"A cup of water," he said, tipping his gla.s.s a little as if to pour it out. And after a while, ' 'What I don't understand is why he brought me back. The kindness of the young is cruelty.... So I'm here, I have to get on with it out. And after a while, ' 'What I don't understand is why he brought me back. The kindness of the young is cruelty.... So I'm here, I have to get on with it, till I can go back." till I can go back."

She did not know clearly what he meant, but she heard a note of blame or complaint that, in him, shocked and angered her. She spoke stiffly: "It was Kalessin that brought you here."

It was dark in the house with the door closed and only the small western window letting in the late-afternoon light. She could not make out his expression; but presently he raised his gla.s.s to her with a shadowy smile, and drank.

"This wine," he said. "Some great merchant or pirate must have brought it to Ogion. I never drank its equal. to Ogion. I never drank its equal.

Even in Havnor." He turned the squat gla.s.s in his hands, looking down at it. "I'll call myself something,' ' he said, "and go across the mountain, to Armouth and the East Forest country, where I came from. They'll be making hay. There's always work at haying and harvest. " "I'll call myself something,' ' he said, "and go across the mountain, to Armouth and the East Forest country, where I came from. They'll be making hay. There's always work at haying and harvest. "

She did not know how to answer." Fragile and jll~looking, he would be given such work only out of charity or brutality; and if he got it he would not be able to do it he would not be able to do it."

"The roads aren't like they used to be," she said." "These last years, there's thieves and gangs everywhere. Foreign riffraff, as my friend Townsend says. But it's not safe any more to go alone."

Looking at him in the dusky light to see how he took this, she wondered sharply for a moment what it must be like never to have feared a human being-what it must be like never to have feared a human being-what it would be like to have to learn to be afraid . would be like to have to learn to be afraid .

"Ogion still went-'" he began, and then set his mouth; he had recalled that Ogion had been a mage.

"Down in the south part of the island,' ' Tenar said, "there's a lot of herding. Sheep, goats, cattle. They drive them up into the hills before the Long Dance, and pasture them there until the rains. They're always needing herders. " She drank a mouthful of the wine. It was like the dragon's name in her mouth." "But why can"t you just stay here?' - "Not in Ogion's house." The first place they'll come. "Well, what if they do come? What will they want of you?"

"To be what I was.

The desolation of his voice chilled her.

She was silent, trying to remember what it was like to have been powerful, to be the Eaten One, the One Priestess of the Tombs of Atuan, and then to lose that, throw it away, become only Tenar, only herself." She thought about how it was like to have been powerful, to be the Eaten One, the One Priestess of the Tombs of Atuan, and then to lose that, throw it away, become only Tenar, only herself." She thought about how it was to have been a woman in the prime of life, with children and a man, and then to lose all that, becoming old and a widow, powerless." But even so she did not feel she understood his shame, his agony of humiliation. Perhaps only a man could feel so. A woman got used to shame. was to have been a woman in the prime of life, with children and a man, and then to lose all that, becoming old and a widow, powerless." But even so she did not feel she understood his shame, his agony of humiliation. Perhaps only a man could feel so. A woman got used to shame.

Or maybe Aunty Moss was right, and when the meat was out the sh.e.l.l was empty."

Witch-thoughts, she thought. And to turn his mind and her own, and because the soft, fiery wine made her wits and tongue quick, she said, "Do you know, I've thought-about Ogion teaching me, and I wouldn't go on, but went and found myself my farmer and married him-I thought, when I did that, I thought on my wedding day, Ged will be angry when he hears of this!" She laughed as she spoke."

"I was, " he said." She waited. He said, "I was disappointed." "Angry," she said." "Angry," he said. He poured her gla.s.s full.

"I had the power to know power, then,' ' he said. "And you-you shone, in that terrible place, the Labyrinth, that darkness "Well, then, tell me: what should I have done with my power, and the knowledge Ogion tried to teach me?' '

"Use it."

"How?"

"As the Art Magic is used.""

"By whom?"

"Wizards," he said, a little painfully."

"Magic means the skills, the arts of wizards, of mages?"" "What else would it mean?" mean?"

"Is that all it could ever mean? " '

He pondered, glancing up at her once or twice. "When Ogion taught me," she said, "here-at the hearth there-the words of the Old Speech, they were as easy and as hard in my mouth as in his." That was like learning the language I spoke before I was born. But the rest-the lore, the runes of power, the spells, the rules, the raising of the forces-that was all dead to me. Somebody else's language. I used to think, I could be dressed up as a warrior, with a lance and a sword and a plume and all, but it wouldn wouldn t t fit, would it fit, would it? What would I do with the sword? Would it What would I do with the sword? Would it make me a hero? I'd be myself in clothes that didn't fit, is all, hardly able to walk." make me a hero? I'd be myself in clothes that didn't fit, is all, hardly able to walk."

She sipped her wine.

"So I took it all off," she said, "and put on my own clothes."