Switching Gears Part 29

Sirens wail in the distance and I try to focus on those. Anything that will stop the pain.

Theyre getting closer. Help is coming. Were going to be okay.

Emmy, Cole says, again. Louder and more worried.

He says it again and again. I cant see him. All I hear is his frantic voice, and I can feel his fingers on my face, in my hair.

Thats the only thing I can hold on to when the darkness overtakes me.

CHAPTER 33.

Im here and then Im there, slipping in and out of consciousness. My mind is all over the place, but my body is stuck in Gavins smashed car.

I hear Gavin calling my name this time. Again and again. I strain to open my eyes and see his face. Hes standing outside, leaning in whats left of my window. Blood trails down his cheek, and his hands are covered in it, as well. I wonder if its his blood or mine.

Hes saying something, but I cant understand him as black dots fill my vision again. He doesnt reach inside. Doesnt touch me. I want him to touch me. To tell me Im going to be okay. That its only my imagination that I cant feel anything below my waist.

I cant breathe.

Paramedics are here. Youre going to be okay. Theyre going to get you out of there.

I might be imagining it, but he looks like hes crying. Tears trail down his cheeks and he doesnt bother wiping them away.

My brothers crying? Why? Im right here. Im alive. Or am I? I cant feel my body anymore. Its like Im floating. Weightless.

Sitting in my haze, a familiar face keeps filling my thoughts. The person I need most right now. The one who would hold me and tell me Im going to be okay.

Mom.

I want my mom.

I never told her how much I love her. How sorry I am for staying away.

What if I die, and sh.e.l.l only remember a hateful teenager who wasnt grateful for anything she did? What if I never get the chance to tell her how much she means to me? How afraid I am that sh.e.l.l forget me.

Flashing lights reach the corner of my eye, and I feel myself slipping again.

My breathing is ragged. It hurts so much. I just want the pain to stop.

Fingers find mine and someone squeezes my hand.

Its Cole. I know it is. I cant turn my head, but I can feel the familiar touch of his hand. The way his fingers intertwine with mine. Hes here. Hes trying to keep me safe. Letting me know hes near.

I dont know how long it takes, but the paramedics finally get me out of the car and strap me to a board. I see Cole trying to get to me. Hes hurt. I see the gash on his cheek and smaller cuts pepper his perfect face.

Hes only there a moment and then hes gone.

I dont know where Kelsie is. Or Gavin.

Gavin.

Wheres Gavin?

My chest hurts. With every breath, it feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Tears slip down my cheeks and wet my hair as they settle in my scalp.

Voices enter my consciousness and I try to make sense of what theyre saying.

Collapsed lung spinal cord st.i.tches They blur together after that.

The ambulance ride is a blur. I try to move, but cant. Everythings foggy. I try to suck in a breath again, but my lungs feel weighed down by something.

Its okay, Emmy. Were almost to the hospital, says a voice I dont recognize.

Wheres Gavin?

I picture him bleeding on the side of the road. No one able to help him. But then I remember the car hit my side. My door. Hes probably fine.

The ambulance stops, and Im wheeled out on a stretcher and rushed into the emergency room.

More faces. I dont recognize any except the paramedic from the ambulance.

Everyone is calm, but the panicked expressions in their eyes when they look me over give them away.

I want Mom.

They ask me questions, but my brain isnt working. All I can do is lay and watch as they put a needle in my arm. I dont even feel it.

My breathing isnt getting any better, and before I know whats happening, a doctor shoves a needle into my chest. Its attached to a tube. The pain is so intense that I scream. It echoes off the white walls and the nurses try to calm me down as I try to get away from them. Anything to get rid of the pain.

Its okay, Emmy, someone says.

A strange feeling rushes through me as the meds kick in.

The last thing I see is doctors and nurses with masks waiting for me to fall asleep.

CHAPTER 34.

The white hallway seems to go on forever as I walk, a piece of paper tight in my hand. I pa.s.s a nurses station, an elevator, and plenty of rooms, but I dont stop until I reach room 205.

I stand outside to put my emotions in check. Thoughts of what Im going to say swirl around my mind, and I take a breath to prepare myself before I open the door. My hand seems to raise on its own and I knock.

Several beats later, the door opens.

Luca.s.s mother stares back at me, her face drawn, haggard, and lacking sleep. Emmy. She smiles. Come in. Hes been waiting for you. She gestures around the curtain, blocking the room from view. Im going to get some lunch, so Ill be back in a little bit.

The door shuts behind her and I stand on the other side of the curtain, getting myself ready to see him.

Emmy?

Luca.s.s voice drifts toward me and I only hesitate a second before I push past the curtain.

I know Im dreaming, but the sight of him still makes my stomach drop.

He looks so different. An IV pumps into his hand. It looks like a childs hand. Small, bony, and pale. Hes so pale. I dont know what to say, so I take a seat near his bed, trying to avoid looking too close at him. I dont want to remember him this way. So fragile.

He reaches his hand out to take mine, and I look up at him. He may look sick and miserable, but his eyes are blue, bright, and alive. Thanks for coming, he says. Hopefully none of the nurses gave you a hard time.

Why would they do that?

He shrugs. They cant keep their hands off me. He chuckles and squeezes my hand.

Oh. I gaze at his frail body. Even though he looks so different, like half of himself disappeared, hes still Lucas. My Lucas. The boy Ive been in love with for years. Hes still the same. Still trying to make me laugh. I think about all weve been through. The late-night talks in his backyard, the drives through the canyon admiring the changing leaves in the fall. The way he talked to me at school, even when he had a girlfriend and never treated me any differently. I cant let that go. I dont want to let him go.

He studies me, his right eyebrow lowering a fraction. Whats wrong, Em? Youre too quiet.

Oh, nothing. Im okay.

You sure? Youre not in trouble or anything, right? If your parents didnt want you to come, you could have said no.

I shake my head and let out the breath Im holding. They told me you wanted to see me. They said I pause and say the words, even though they almost break me. Youre dying.

I did want to see you. He gives me a sad smile. And yes. Im dying.

It hangs in the air, and I have to tell myself to keep breathing. In and out. In and out. I need to stay calm. I knew this was coming, but it still hurts. Its not fair.

Em, he says.

His voice draws me out of my thoughts, and I jump, making myself focus on him again. Yeah?

I wanted you to come see me one last time. Before He swallows and shakes his head. Lets not talk about that right now. The reason I asked you here is because I needed to tell you something.

I glance up, meeting his eyes. Okay?

He doesnt skip a beat, just presses on. Im in love with you, Emmy.

My heart speeds up, and my breath whooshes out of my lungs. My mouth drops open, and I close it again, not knowing what to say.

He laughs, though it sounds forced. Ive practiced saying that to you for years really. Im days away from dying, and I wasnt man enough to say it before. He lets go of my hand and reaches up to touch my cheek. Ive loved you since you first moved in next door. All those years ago. His voice catches, and I cover his hand with mine. Im sorry I waited so long to tell you.

A tear slips down my cheek, running a trail to our fingers. I love you, too, I whisper.

I memorize his face, knowing its probably the last time Ill see him alive. His deep blue eyes are burned into my mind. His smile, teasing and playful"though gone now, I can still see it.

Take care of my sister for me, okay?

Okay, I promise, though I broke it long ago.

He leans back on his pillow, his eyes never leaving mine. I wish things were different. I wish we had more time. He smiles, his eyes swimming with tears as I hold on to his hand like a lifeline. Thats all I want. More time. To take you on a real date. To hold your hand while we walk down the street together. He sighs as tears p.r.i.c.k my eyes. Im an idiot for not telling you sooner.

Youre not.

He ignores me and pulls my hand to his lips. Thank you, Em. For always being there, even when I didnt deserve it. His body fades before my eyes, and I know my memory has come to an end.

Dont go. Please. Not yet.

The room starts to disappear, taking Lucas away from me all over again. I start to panic. I dont want him to leave. I need more time. Time to say all the things I meant to say that day.

But time never stops. It just keeps going and going, not caring who it leaves behind.

And at that moment, I despise it.

CHAPTER 35.

Theres no way to fix time. To warn yourself about an impending accident. To push the brakes a little bit quicker.

If there was a way to go back, I would. But there isnt. Time just keeps moving slowly forward whether I want it to or not. Its a constant, never-changing thing that will never ever go away no matter how hard you wish it.

My head feels heavy. Like Im swimming through a suffocating fog. Thoughts of Lucas fill my head, and I try not to cry as I think of the memory I was lost in for a while.

When my eyes finally open, I blink a few times before I notice Im lying in a hospital room. I blink again and memories of the accident flood my brain.

Then the pain hits, and it takes everything in me not to call the nurses station and ask for more pain meds. Im sure theyve already given me plenty.

The room is pretty dark so I know its late.

Someone snores quietly to my right, and I try to turn my head, but I cant. Its in a brace or something.

It doesnt matter though; Id recognize that snore anywhere.

Dad. I dont want to wake him. Im sure Ive put him through enough tonight.