Switching Gears Part 26

Thats so young. Im so sorry. He kisses the top of my head, and I try to control my breathing.

I know. I wasnt expecting it, obviously. None of us were. Especially me and Gavin. I sigh. They kept it from us for six months.

Really?

I get why they did. They didnt want us to worry until they knew more about it, but still. I was so mad. Still am. Why would you keep something like that from people you love? They should have told us the second they found out. Its not fair.

Sometimes keeping the truth from others is the only way to deal with hard things. I never tell anyone about my parents because I dont want them to know my weaknesses. Not having support at home. If they did, Id feel more vulnerable in front of people. Maybe she didnt want you to look for the signs. Everyone forgets things once in a while, so she probably wanted to hide it until she forgot obvious things. Its the same with you bottling up your emotions because you dont want to burden people with your problems. Right?

That makes so much more sense to me. Why didnt I think of it that way? Huh.

Are you doing okay with it? Obviously youre not, since you said youre not really talking to them a lot.

Im trying. Admittedly not very hard, though. I felt betrayed and angry at first. Then I wanted to forget about it and pretend nothing was wrong. And now? Im terrified shes going to forget about me.

She wouldnt do that.

Its a neurological disease, Cole. Its going to happen whether she likes it or not. Its just a matter of time.

Dont they have meds for this kind of stuff? To slow it down?

I shrug. I havent really asked what the medicine does.

Maybe you should.

Probably. The whole thing stresses me out. I dont know how to ask, mainly because I dont want to know when sh.e.l.l start forgetting me.

She might not ever forget you, Em. He shifts a little and tilts my chin up so Im looking at him. Youd be very hard to forget.

His eyes search mine and my stomach flips and skips and does a little jig. I smile and turn away. Thats not true, but thanks. And thank you for bringing me here. You always surprise me. And honestly, I never thought Id be you know hanging out with you so much.

Because Im a womanizer, right? Or player? One-night stand kind of guy?

I glance over to make sure hes joking. From the smile I see, I know he is. Something like that.

He chuckles. Truth time.

Another one? Weve told like five truths tonight. I think thats a record.

You asked for it.

Lets hear it then.

Contrary to what you think, Im not a womanizer. If you havent figured it out by now.

I never said those exact words.

You implied.

I shrug.

Ive only kissed two girls. And trust me when I say, I sort of regret those kisses now.

Ive been kissed once.

He shifts lower so his face is at my level of shortness and grins. Do I know this person? His face is in shadow from the darkness of the night, but as my eyes adjust on his features, I cant help but get lost in those eyes of his. It takes me a second to answer since staring at him makes me lose my train of thought.

Maybe. Please dont guess. Please dont guess. It was a one-time thing at a stupid party because of a stupid dare.

Hmmm He reaches over and brushes a strand of hair away from my face. Who could this person be?

Ill never tell. If he knew Ive kissed Mark, Id never hear the end of it. I have to wonder if Mark has already told him though. They are on the same biking team after all. Maybe not.

I bet I can get it out of you. Maybe not right now, but one of these days.

Never. Its a secret Ill take it to my grave.

He chuckles and continues to stare at me. My body shakes slightly, and its not from the cold. The way hes looking at me makes my heart beat faster and sends chills through my body. Good chills. He studies my reaction as he runs his fingers along my jaw and into my hair. I lean closer, my eyes closing as his lips touch mine, a whisper of a kiss. He moves closer, his lips gentle but firm as I wrap my arms around his neck.

Kissing him makes me realize Ive waited for this moment forever. Cole is everything I want in a guy.

I think of Lucas, then. I never kissed Lucas. And who knows if I really was in love with him. I definitely loved him, but With that thought, I pull away, giving him a small smile before I sit up. He looks disappointed as he joins me, but doesnt say anything.

Wed better go. Its getting late, I say.

Youre right. Ill start cleaning things up. He gathers the pillows and treats and jumps off the tailgate to put them away. I hand him the blanket wrapped around me, but he shakes his head. Its chilly. You can keep it for now.

Okay. I pull it tight around me as he cleans up everything else. It only takes a moment before he comes back and leans on the tailgate, staring at me.

You ready?

I nod and scoot myself to the edge of the tailgate. He helps me down and walks me to the pa.s.senger door. I should say something. I need to say something, but my mind wont cooperate. So I stand there and go through the motions of climbing in the truck, shutting the door, and buckling.

The ride home is silent, save for the radio playing softly in the background. He doesnt reach for my hand, doesnt say anything, and avoids my eyes when I look over at him.

Why do I always have to screw everything up?

We make it back to my house pretty fast. He opens my door to help me out and I smile at him when my feet touch the ground. He shuts the door, but instead of walking me to the porch, he leans against the truck with his arms folded. His gaze meets mine and all these different feelings. .h.i.t me at once, almost knocking me breathless.

What? I ask as he stares at me.

Just thinking.

You can tell me. You look like you want to.

He shrugs. Maybe I do.

Then say it. I think about taking it back. Maybe I dont want to know what hes thinking. But the truth is, I want to know everything hes thinking.

He takes a step closer, his eyes on mine. Somethings been on my mind lately.

Okay? Oh, no.

What are we?

What do you mean? Here it comes. The conversation Ive been dreading. I cant handle this. Not now. How do I tell him I dont know what Im feeling? That I need more time to figure out my jumbled thoughts. My broken, but healing heart.

Me and you. I He lets out a frustrated breath. In the truck Didnt that mean anything to you?

I hesitate, choosing my words carefully. It meant so much. Too much. But I cant tell him that. I dont want him to waste his time on someone who cant be everything he wants and needs right now. So I lie. Were friends. I clear my throat. I dont know how to be anything else.

He laughs, but I can tell its fake. Friends. Thats all you see us as?

I swallow and nod. Of course.

Another step closer. My heart beats a little faster. I dont think I agree.

Why not?

I dont see you as a friend, Emmy. Friends talk and make jokes. Hang out all the time. But every time Im with you the only thing I want to do is kiss you. And after taking the chance tonight, I really want to do it again.

The breath whooshes out of my lungs and my heart hammers in my chest as he takes another step closer. I wish I could run. Run in the house and not look back, but I cant. Theres something in his expression. The way hes staring at me with those big, hazel, gorgeous eyes that makes me freeze in place. I couldnt run away even if I wanted to.

Cole I start.

Hes inches away now. He reaches down and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. Dont tell me you have to go clean your house or something right now. It would totally kill the moment.

I chuckle. No. I wasnt going to say that.

Good. His other hand touches my cheek, and I shiver.

Cole, I whisper.

Yes?

I dont know what to do.

About what?

About us.

He leans in and panic bubbles in my chest. His lips are so close. So close I could lean in and touch them again with my own. And as much as I want to fight the feeling, I cant. Emmy. I know you can feel whatever is going on between us. And I know you loved Lucas. But at least let me try. Let me try to be the person you want to be with.

I shiver. Okay.

What? He pulls back a little, his eyes finding mine.

I said okay. I smile, my cheeks heating.

He touches his forehead to mine. Really? I can hear the smile in his voice before he slides a hand to my cheek and kisses me again. Soft, but enough to make me almost melt. Thank you.

For what?

For letting me in. Even if its just a little. I care too much about you to let you walk away now. He leans in again and, as his lips touch mine, I slowly wrap my arms around his neck, all thoughts of my broken heart gone.

CHAPTER 28.

Kelsie squeals again and dances around my room. You have got to be kidding me!

I blush and try not to spill nail polish on my bedspread. Nope. Not kidding.

So, is he, you know. An amazing kisser?

Yes. Not that I have a lot of experience, but uh it was nice.

She sighs. I knew it.

How can you know someones going to be a good kisser?

Have you looked at him lately? Thats how you know.

I chuckle and twist the nail polish lid back on before setting it on my night stand. I admire my blue toes and grab a few flower decals to stick on. Remember when we first met?

Ugh. Dont remind me.

Cute new girl runs into tetherball pole as the whole sixth grade looks on.

Blood was everywhere. Oh, the memories. I was such a nerd.

There were so many boys who would have happily taken you to the office. But I was the lucky one who you picked. I smile. I was so happy I got to miss cla.s.s for an hour to sit with you.

Im glad my pain made you happy. She grins and grabs some purple polish. And Im glad you were there. We were meant to be besties. You know that, right?

Of course. I really dont know what Id do without her. Life would be a lot more boring.

I never got as close to Oakley. Even when all three of us hung out. She was always kind of distant.

Worried about Lucas, Im sure.

Yeah. Shes thoughtful as she finishes painting her toenails. So, when are you and Cole going out again?

Hes taking me riding today. The Back Country race is next week, so were gonna train every other day until its here.