Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 22

x.x.xVII.

The October Elections.--Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat of the President.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866.

I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetin called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich held elections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they hevin, I understand, played off onto us.

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't antic.i.p.ated the defeat. He spected that, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought to hev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble.

The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so grand, so sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him why the people hedn't at once adopted it. "Why, look at it," sed he. "I offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they found theirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be so blind ez to refoose these olive branches?"

Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn a.s.shoorance that he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeat the Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in waitin.

"Bring in the wretch!" shouted the President; and the guard brung him in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up his hands implorinly, without sayin a word.

"Speak!" sed the President. "Why the result in yoor Deestrict?"

"My liege," replied the wretched man, "I know not. Faithfully I labored; but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set a holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't conducive to displays of oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before, wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and I hed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than good. And besides--"

"Enuff!" sed Johnson, "Remove him."

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant and Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv the people. Hed there bin n.o.body but the President and the Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin n.o.body to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more than they did.

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood it hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to the limited knowledge the ma.s.ses hed uv Injeany bankin.

I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.

"My lords," sed I, "none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because we left the landmarks--that's wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat hed we to go into this canva.s.s with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz squelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the abstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent be indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can't run a party on em, because there ain't enough uv em.

"My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned down there mor'n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and hedn't heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that we went under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that we strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the n.i.g.g.e.r not made the central figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin stuff to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the rostrum, I e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed,--

"'MEN AND BRETHREN, DO YOO WANT TO MARRY A n.i.g.g.e.r?'

"'No! no!' they answered, straightenin up towunst.

"'Do you want n.i.g.g.e.rs for sons-in-law?'

"'No! no!'

"'Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin n.i.g.g.e.rs?'

"'Yes! yes!'

"'Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to vote, beside a n.i.g.g.e.r?'

"'No! no!'

"'Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they all replied,--

"'We will! we will!' and they did. You see, your Exslency, the Demekratic mind isn't hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez to const.i.tootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv him. But n.i.g.g.e.r they kin all understand. It's soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior race, and therefore hev bin pullin the n.i.g.g.e.r down toward em for years.

Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the n.i.g.g.e.r we succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed to get?

"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there's somebody still poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,--who, ef n.i.g.g.e.rs wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail uv one,--is the most ardent friends of Slavery.

"That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do?

The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor do nothin, wuz the upper cla.s.s, wich expected the offises themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly.

"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin with a new party; for yoo kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the offises is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and that's the n.i.g.g.e.r; for it's all they kin understand. So long ez the n.i.g.g.e.r exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a n.i.g.g.e.r because Noah got intoxicated.

His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern subst.i.toot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen.

Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction.

"I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin. The Congressmen elected this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo do, to a day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo York may change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in glee, and the n.i.g.g.e.r shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two years, and then farewell to our greatness.

"I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I'll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed."

The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.

(wich is Postmaster).

x.x.xVIII.

"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his n.o.bles.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), October 24, 1866.

Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l life--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster.

Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our commishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to wunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the t.i.tle uv ANDROO THE I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the n.o.bility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered.

"Earl von Toombs," "Sir Joseph E. Johnston," "Markis de Bouregard,"

"Count de Pollard," and so forth.

Noticin that the t.i.tles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv n.o.bility. The South wuz shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef there wuz no adverse circ.u.mstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very well indeed.