Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 14

"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with him--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neck handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head.

While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a n.i.g.g.e.r, and,--"

_The Court_.--Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?

_Witness_.--Certainly.

_The Court_.--The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.

_Witness_.--They c.u.m in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the bar, and drank together.

_By the Court_.--Did they drink together?

_Witness_.--They ondeniably did.

_By myself_.--The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they absorbed.

_Witness_.--Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows.

_By myself_.--The s.e.xton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor the identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court to know.

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky.

Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal.

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin n.i.g.g.e.r equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his brethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built upon that idea, and that a.s.sociatin with him in any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speak up, Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet severely.

Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied,--

"That he DID drink with the n.i.g.g.e.r, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, for THE n.i.g.g.e.r PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!"

"But shoorly," I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come in with the n.i.g.g.e.r arm-in-arm,--a att.i.tood wich implies familiarity, ef not aff.e.c.kshun."

_The Prisoner_.--The n.i.g.g.e.r and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the n.i.g.g.e.r by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are slippery.

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.

"My brethren," sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The n.i.g.g.e.r is the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the n.i.g.g.e.r, for it is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the n.i.g.g.e.r to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do with whips and dorgs.

"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that n.i.g.g.e.r wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.

"Wood, O wood that we all hed a n.i.g.g.e.r to play with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!"

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXV.

Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), June 22, 1866.

There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some demoralized n.i.g.g.e.rs who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine harty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to preside becoz I'm bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents--one for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, reported ez follows:--

Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder; and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously turned it into blackguardin; and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and caned him; therefore, be it

_Resolved_, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.

_Resolved_, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in the House to demonstrate onto.

_Resolved_, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed.

_Resolved_, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good sence the Memphis riots.

_Resolved_, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis.

_Resolved_, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold, brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the Southern spirit.

I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when the leaders want a thing to pa.s.s, never to call for the nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read it:--

"_Resolved_, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a Ablishnist, President Johnson is--"

At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order.

I replied,--

"Wood _yoo_ be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?"

The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respect for my ma.s.sive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him, and--

I called him to order at once.

Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed,--

"I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood be, my friends," sed I, "no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want, and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post offis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from the PEOPLE, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine."

Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby's intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an a.s.sent, whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perf.e.c.kly yoonanimous.

My prospex is britenin.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.