Swingin Round the Cirkle Part 12

Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market place,

Or take their wives from em,

Or be father to their children,

Or make uv em conkebines aginst their will,

Or force em to toil without hire,

Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old dispensashun,

Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well.

And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums; for we said, Lo! the n.i.g.g.e.r is our ekal; and we mourned ez them hevin no hope.

But the President, even Androo, the choice uv Booth, said, Nay.

And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law; and our hearts is made glad.

And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the song uv gladness and the sounds uv mirth.

The n.i.g.g.e.r will we slay, for he elevated his horn agin us.

We will make one law for him and another for us, and he will sigh for the good old times when he wuz a slave in earnest.

His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair to look upon; and ef he murmurs, we'll bust his head.

His daughters shel our sons possess; and their inkrease will we sell, and live upon the price they bring.

In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv their toil shel make us fat.

Sing, O my soul!

The n.i.g.g.e.r hed become sa.s.sy and impudent, and denied that he wuz a servant unto his brethren.

He sheltered hisself behind the Freedman's Burow, and the Civil Rites Bill, and the soldiery, and he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at us.

And we longed to git at him, but because of these we durst not.

But now who sh.e.l.l succor him.

We will smite him hip and thigh, onless he consents to be normal.

Our time uv rejoicin is come.

In Kentucky, the soldiers voted,--them ez wuz clothed in gray,--and we routed the Abolishnists.

Three great capchers hev we made: New Orleens we capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the President--him who aforetime strayed from us--we capcherd.

Rejoice, O my soul! for yoor good time, wich wuz so long a comin, is come.

We shel hev Post Offisis, and Collectorships, and a.s.sessorships, and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agencies, and sich; and on the proceeds thereof will we eat, drink, and be merry.

The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands therein sugar, the streems tributary lemon joose and bitters, and the faithful shel drink.

Whisky shel be cheap; for we shel hold the offises, and kin pay; and the heart uv the barkeeper shel be glad.

The Ablishnist shel hang his hed; and we will jeer him, and flout him, and say unto him, "Go up, bald head!" and no bears shel bite us; for, lo! the President is our rock, and in him we abide.

Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.

Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv Booth uv sum account to us.

Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the wilderness, into the Canaan flowin with milk and honey.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

XXII.

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result of the Memphis Outbreak.--The Reverend discourses upon the n.i.g.g.e.r, and runs against a Snag.

CONFEDRIT ROADS (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), May 12, 1866.

The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, at least, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed them on the subjick uv the n.i.g.g.e.r,--his wants, needs, and capacities,--a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the n.i.g.g.e.r more study, or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness,--in every shape, in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind's eye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to own a n.i.g.g.e.r.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the n.i.g.g.e.r wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perf.e.c.k rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained how Noer got t.i.te and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. "Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uv Dimocrasy," I sed. "Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was not complete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. There was no _n.i.g.g.e.r_ in the world, and without n.i.g.g.e.r there could be no Dimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv j.a.phet, and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon his father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. THERE WUZ n.i.g.g.e.r AND WHISKY, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed to yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and j.a.phet piled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a n.i.g.g.e.r to enslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoos.e.m.e.nts, and a n.i.g.g.e.r cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe the fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and the n.i.g.g.e.r; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket to-day."

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what a splendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered "Yes," gladly.

"Well, Mas'r," sed the old imbecile, "is I a beest?"

"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it."

"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?"

"Indubitably," replied I.

"And my children--is they little beasts and beastesses?"