Swamp Girl! Chapter 48

The next day, we were inside the horse-carriage on our way to the imperial capital.
Look, I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve just about had it with this carriage. But when I remember that we’ll reach the capital in three days, I feel like I can still manage.

Even so, I’m a bit depressed.
When this journey by carriage ends, so will these carefree days.
After so much — too much — happened along the way, it completely slipped my mind, but my objective in going to the capital has never been the same as the Elite Guard’s.
They’re simply coming home.
My goal, or else Leon’s, is —

“Big Sister, you don’t know when to give up.”

With an affirmative ‘mm-hmm’, Aira delivered the final blow.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Alright, so right now I’m being pretty girly — girly, huh? That’s rich, given my current condition.

“No… but, you know? When we arrive in the capital, look, I’m going to be married, even if it is an act…”

I groaned.
Why, for the love of G.o.d, did I agree to this?
For the nth time — ah, I’ve lost count of how many times since I accepted the commission — the thought spun around and around in my head.
When I sat down and really thought about it, I remembered that Leon hadn’t told me the details of the arrangements following our arrival in the capital. Yeah, so, are we pretending to be married, or engaged, or…? Speaking of which, wasn’t I stressing out over this very same question before? I felt a harsh déjà vu.

Basically, that was a place I didn’t want my thoughts to go, and I’d been actively avoiding the topic until now. At any rate, I did have several opportunities to talk to Leon about it, but there was so much going on, I couldn’t ask him any questions in the end. And incidentally speaking, I also pretty much forgot.

“Aira, be gentle with Chris. It’s definitely… that thing you get before marriage… um, cold feet.”

“Ahh, I see…”

“No, hold it right there. That’s not something you’re supposed to agree with, Aira. And Palmira, don’t act like you just dropped some profound wisdom.”

So basically, you guys, even though I told you that I turned into a woman only a short while ago, you’re going to treat it like it’s a done deal? How about you guys stop s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around? Thanks.

“But Big Sister, you’ve already come this far. All you can do now is give in and hold your head high, right? Like ‘Bring it on’.”

“Easy for you to say, when you don’t have to deal with the fallout afterwards…”

There’s a limit to messing around, Aira. But her sort-of advice is right on the money.
I know. I know, but I just can’t bring myself to accept it. At a time like this, is it possible to separate reason from emotion?

“But you have no intention of running away, right? In that case, there’s nothing you can do even if you worry, is there?”

“I think so too. Chris, the moment you agreed to his request, it was checkmate. Give up.”

Their att.i.tudes pleasant, they kept dealing fatal blows to me from point-blank range.
I didn’t even have the words to respond.
For some reason, I felt like they cornered me into giving in this way all the time. What’s going on…

“Alright, alright, enough already. I get it. What will be, will be.”

Sulking, I flopped down onto the long seat.
As I did, the jouncing of the carriage wheels was transmitted directly into my body. From the clouds in the patch of sky visible through the window, I could tell that the carriage was moving at a good clip.
It didn’t matter what I did anymore; sooner or later, I’d arrive in the capital. And as soon as I got there, I’d have to carry out the request.

Yeah, it’s like Aira said: I can’t run away or cancel the request now, not after all this time.
I had no clue what I should say to Leon, and even if I did, or possibly just ran for the hills, what would he think of me then? I didn’t want to imagine it at all.

I was well and truly screwed.

I couldn’t help feeling averse to the idea, but I had an obligation to see it through to the end. I let out a huge sigh.

“…Oh come on, Big Sister. Please keep your chin up. We’ll be there to help you with everything we have.”

“That’s right. Chris, you’re not alone. We’re right here with you.”

Their follow-up came a bit late, but I was a little grateful for it. Still, my uneasiness didn’t disappear, and I sighed again.

–

–

In complete disregard of my will, we proceeded to the capital with no problems whatsoever.

We were about a day out from the mountainous region of Basragate Fortress, and the scenery had turned back into rolling plains.
I say ‘plains’, but unlike the Sarcalnaa wastelands around Brellwandy, this area had considerable greenery.
What’s more, spa.r.s.e as they were, I began to catch sight of the homes near the highway.
On the way here, public order had differed quite a bit from place to place. Now that this area was under the protection of the capital, there was, of course, no room for monsters or bandits to conduct their activities here. If they did appear, they were crushed in the blink of an eye.
As a side effect, the flow of traffic on the highway increased slightly.
Until now, we wouldn’t know whether we’d come across even one caravan during the whole day. Now we were constantly pa.s.sing by them, big and small. You might even say that on this side of the Sarcalnaa mountains, the culture was markedly different from that of the other imperial territories.

Though the empire boasts of great holdings, when split down the Sarcalnaa Mountain Range, the area we’d traveled through would be the northern territories, and the southern part would be the heartland.
Of course, because the core territories have been parceled out to regional lords to rule, even finer distinctions are possible, but in terms of atmosphere, only the north stands apart from the other domains within the Empire’s borders.
If I had to say, there’s a lot about the northern territories that seems uncivilized from the southern point of view. The culture and population density are that different.
The presence of the Sarcalnaa Mountain Range has a lot to do with how recently the northern territories fell under imperial rule.
Though right now there’s a lull, that doesn’t change the fact that the northern territories are the frontier of the empire, with the effect of strengthening the tension among the general populace.1

“Somehow, it seems so lively.”

Aira let her thoughts slip out as she kept peeping out the window.
This was already the third day. We were expected to arrive in the capital in the evening. Our surroundings could already be considered the outskirts of the city, so there were a fair number of homes, and we even had a clear view of the comings and goings of the residents.
Inside the carriage, it was just Aira and me.
Palmira should be outside riding with Leopard as usual.

“Come to think of it, where are you from, Aira?”

When I really thought about it, unlike Palmira, who spoke of her past in very clear terms, Aira had breezed by hers too easily. In the end, I realized, I didn’t really know where she came from.
Sure, she did say it was a farming village, but I didn’t know which one. That about summed it up.

“…To be honest, I don’t really know myself. Until I was sold into slavery, I’d never left the village, so I know nothing about the area outside. However, I never crossed those mountains after being sold, so I think it’s likely somewhere to the north.”

Her response came easily, like she was talking about someone else’s problems. So I asked her the things I’d been conflicted over asking her about.

“Aira… you don’t want to return to your hometown?”

Palmira and I no longer had a place to call home. And yet in contrast, Aira’s was still there.
I couldn’t speak for Palmira, but I felt a certain nostalgia for mine. The truth is, I’d dragged Aira along without giving much thought to it. Now that we’d just about reached our destination, I could only ask this late in the game. But if she wanted to go back, if she wished to, then even if I couldn’t right now, I wanted to take her home someday.
Because mine was lost.
If you have a place to go home to, then you should go back someday.

“I don’t.”

“Not at all?”

“Not at all.”

Aira didn’t hesitate in the least. She even smiled.

“Because I’m sure that village isn’t the place I was born. As I said before, I was picked up from the roadside. I have no idea what my parents’ faces look like. Though it was the place where I was raised, though I naturally believe I owe a little to the people who raised me, they sold me. I think that my debt has been paid in full. So I don’t really understand the idea of a ‘hometown’.”

Aira’s tone was indifferent.
Palmira’s past was daring, but Aira’s background was plenty weird too. Even though she didn’t think anything of it herself, I felt my chest getting stuffy.

I amended my view.
Palmira and I had lost our hometowns, but Aira never had one to lose in the first place.
Of course, I knew from experience that such cases weren’t rare. Even if I sympathized, it was a common story. But still, that was definitely not normal.

A place to come home to someday. Wherever I might be, even if I can’t return, it remains inside my heart as my foundation. It’s proof of my personal journey; I can find some peace of mind when I look over my shoulder and make sure it’s there.
Through losing it, I’ve come to understand that whether I want to or not, shouldering my self-awareness, acceptance, resignation — I have no choice but to keep moving forward. All the same, I think — I hope that I might go back across the sea someday. Even if there’s nothing there.

But Aira didn’t even have that much.

“Big Sister.”

Concerned by my silence, Aira continued with a smile.

“Until that day, I lived without thinking a thing. I had nothing, no will of my own, no freedom either. Because there was no need to think. Why do I live? Why was I born into this world? I’m hollow, with no worth and no future. Why am I here, I wondered. Of course, I had no chance of ever finding the answer, so I didn’t think about it. It’s a bitter thing, thinking. It’s so much easier not to. That way, it doesn’t hurt.”

As she looked out the window, a smiling Aira spooled out her words like a song.
As if it didn’t matter at all.
As if it were a fact of life.

“But Big Sister, you saved me, didn’t you? You fought desperately to keep my worthless skin alive, didn’t you? You told me that I was worth something, that even this life of mine had meaning, didn’t you? So I started to think. About myself, about the future, about living, so many things. If — ”

She cut short her words, then looked at me for the first time. She stared straight into my eyes.

” — If thinking is what it means to live, then I was born at that moment. So my home is here. Right here. That’s why — ”

Aira lowered her head to me very deeply,

” — please, let me stay with you. Please.”

Though she was quiet, her plea was like a cry.
Suddenly, I understood her.

Aira always acts like there’s nothing wrong.
It might be the product of her fear.
If she’s refused. If her feelings aren’t understood.
Hiding her innermost thoughts, fearing rejection, and so protecting herself, she worries endlessly about the people she comes into contact with. That’s why she pretends that there’s nothing wrong with her own affairs.
To avoid being hurt, to avoid hurting others.
And maybe, to avoid a break in her thoughts and feelings, even in the face of rejection — she talks and laughs.

That’s why I know full well how sincere they are, the words she spoke so clearly with her head bowed down.
Thinking back, Aira did express these thoughts to me before.
The first time we met, in that slave wagon.
If I had rejected those feelings back then.
If I hadn’t listened.
Aira wouldn’t be like this now.

“Got it. Aira, let’s go on together.”

I hugged her head to my chest.
It was something of a kind lie.
The time for us to part ways would definitely come someday. We couldn’t be together forever. The only question was whether that will be sooner, or later.
Even so, I didn’t push Aira away right now. What happened after this wasn’t important.
Call me irresponsible, but right now, this is what matters.

In the past, I wouldn’t have done it.
I was always cautious about responsibility. I always worried about whether I was making a mistake or not. I was afraid of regret.

I might be making a mistake. I might come to regret it.
And yet.
And yet — at this very moment, this is right.

Holding onto Aira’s trembling body, I hugged her a little tighter.

Footnotes
1. 全体的に住民に緊張を強いているという状態にある為だ ↵

Kinda bittersweet. How would you describe a face that’s half-frowny, half-smiley?