Sunset Island - Sunset Secrets Part 21

I'm not sure what I want. But I need to be with Sam and Carrie for a little while."

He hugged her fiercely. Billy hugged Carrie, and then they left.

Now that they were alone, the girls couldn't really find anything to say to one another. Words seemed . . . silly. Pointless. Nothing seemed to have any meaning. So they sat in the living room, staring out the picture window as the afternoon wore on, trying to understand.

As the room began to grow darker Emma found her voice. "Do you think it's some kind of lesson from G.o.d?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"I don't believe in G.o.d," Sam said bitterly.

"Sam!" Carrie said in shock.

"I don't!" Sam repeated viciously. "You think a great guy like G.o.d's supposed to be would let Kevin die like this?"

"Maybe there's some kind of ... force, some kind of plan," Emma said.

"I think it's all just random violence," Sam said bitterly.

"I couldn't cope if I didn't believe in G.o.d,"

Carrie said earnestly.

"So tell me how this G.o.d justifies taking Kevin's life, then?" Sam asked shrilly. "I'd really like to know."

No one had an answer.

"It makes me feel . . . ashamed," Emma fi- nally said in a hushed voice.

"It sure puts things into perspective," Carrie said, hugging her knees up to her chest.

"That's what I mean," Emma continued ear- nestly. "I was thinking about my drinking. You two tried to tell me, Kurt tried . . . and it's such c.r.a.p, isn't it? All that 'poor me' stuff that I use as an excuse to drink. But I'm alive! I'm alive!"

Tears came to Carrie's eyes. "I was a terrible friend to you, Em. Because I saw how much you were drinking, and I didn't really say anything much."

"I guess I thought you'd all think less of me if I really admitted I had a problem," Emma said.

"I ... I have a problem, too," Carrie man- aged in a tiny voice. She gulped and took a deep breath. "This is so hard. Okay, here goes. I ...

I think I have an eating disorder."

Sam raised herself on one elbow from where she'd been flopped on the couch. "You? An eating disorder? Don't be silly!"

"What do you mean, Carrie?" asked Emma.

For what felt like the thousandth time that day, Carrie's eyes swam with tears. "I was having these terrible fights with Josh, and working real hard, and studying late, and worrying about money and my grades. So I started eating to feel better, then I gained weight and felt worse than ever! It seemed like my whole life was totally out of control."

"I know how that feels," Emma said wryly.

"Anyway," Carrie went on, "this girl in my dorm was throwing up after meals to keep her weight down, and one night I caught her." Carrie turned to Sam. "Just like you caught me the other night at Emma's apartment. Only I couldn't tell you the truth."

"You mean you make yourself-" Sam mimed putting her finger down her throat.

Carrie hung her head and nodded.

"Poor baby!" said Sam. She rushed over to Carrie and hugged her. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'm so ashamed," Carrie sobbed. "And I don't think I even know how to stop now!"

Emma sat down on the other side of Carrie and without thinking she put her arms around her, holding her and rocking her in a way that strangely comforted her at the same time.

"Carrie, you're so strong and smart and tal- ented," Emma crooned. "You'll handle this!"

"But that's just it!" Carrie sobbed. "I always handle everything. I don't think I can handle one more thing!"

"You can do it," Sam a.s.sured her. "You need to get some help, though, like from the counseling service at Yale."

Emma pushed her bangs out of her face and tried to smile. "It seems terrible, doesn't it, that it takes some tragedy to make us face our prob- lems?"

"It's just not fair," Sam said pa.s.sionately. "But at least we've got a shot at it. Kevin doesn't."

"Let's not waste it!" Carrie said fervently.

Emma looked at her friends. "I've been an idiot. I was so afraid you'd judge me."

"I've been an idiot, too," Carrie said. "I wanted to tell you both so much, but I was afraid."

"Good thing for you two that I'm the model of mental health," Sam said. She waited a moment.

"G.o.d, am I full of it. Even now, I'm so used to lying that I can hardly tell the truth."

"About what?" Emma asked with surprise.

"About my job, or my lack of job," Sam blurted out. "I got fired."

"You what?" Carrie asked.

"Fired," Sam repeated. "As in no job. As in unemployed. The ch.o.r.eographer said I was too original."

"So why didn't you just tell us?" Emma asked with surprise.

"Oh, sure," Sam said, getting up from the couch. "You two in college, everything just hunky- dory, and me, the dropout, I can't even hold down a job."

"Well, everything isn't hunky-dory," Carrie said. "And we would have understood."

"Maybe," Sam allowed grudgingly.

"And maybe we've been underestimating one another," Emma said quietly. She went to the window and looked out toward the road, the road where everything had changed.

No one said a word for a moment.

"I'm a better person than this," Emma finally whispered softly.

"You're a wonderful person," Sam agreed.

Emma turned to her, her eyes bright with tears. "So are you. And you!" she said, turning to Carrie.

Carrie hugged the pillow to herself. "We can't bring him back, and I don't know what it all means," she said, her eyes shining. "I do know this: that the only thing we can do to make Kevin's death meaningful, is to try to live the very best lives we can."

"But it won't change a thing!" Sam cried an- grily. "He'll still be dead. And we'll still feel like we screwed up for having let him drive after we knew he'd been drinking."

"Sam's right," Emma agreed.

"Maybe there's a bigger plan, and we just can't see it," Carrie whispered.

"I'd like to believe that," Emma said softly.

"I'd like to believe in something," Sam said in a choked voice, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Well, we'll have to start with ourselves, and work up from there," Carrie said. "And just think, in only two months we'll all be here together again. And then we can look out for each other."

"And no more secrets," Emma added.

Carrie and Sam nodded. The three girls stared out over the bay, watching the sun disappear below the horizon.