Steal My Sunshine Part 19

She can't move her arms and her feet are in stirrups. A giant domed light hangs from the ceiling and shines between her legs.

A group of young people who could be medical students huddle around a doctor to look at her most private part as if she's something less than human.

The room is tiled in neat squares; there are piles of white towels, three gleaming white basins. Everything is shiny and orderly, except for her.

The girl writhes and screams. A nurse slaps her face.

No one comes in or out of the room for a while. I think about leaving but there's an unknown force keeping me here. I can't help this woman. Even now that I'm an adult and respectable and it's 1960, no one can help her.

She's still, but crying, and the medical students have stepped back. Matron is busy in one corner.

I walk backwards and collide with a trolley of instruments. I'm sweating all over. Soon the door opens and a nurse holding a neatly wrapped bundle marches past me, followed by Matron.

*All is well,' she says. *The girl is quiet and you can get her to sign the papers when she's feeling a bit more herself in an hour or two. The baby will be in the usual room.'

An hour or two. Papers. The baby.

*Yes, Sister,' I say. *Leave it to me.'

*Mum?'

Mum wasn't moving but her mouth was open as if she was choking.

*Mum!'

*Yes,' she whispered. *Yes, I'm okay.'

Essie was crying into her hands, and I didn't know what to do. Mum stood up and started to walk down the hall. I looked from her to Essie, over and over. Mum flung the door wide open, sat heavily on the porch and put her head in her hands.

*Essie,' I said. *You took her.'

She nodded, unable to take her hands away from her face.

*But you can't have walked back into the bakery with her. How did you . . .?'

*Get away with it?' She looked up. *I went to Sydney. I found Patrick and Rose's art gallery and they helped me. Again. And then I went back to Malcolm. It wasn't difficult at all, you see, because he wanted to believe the baby was his. I had a simple answer for every question he asked. I lied so much I forgot what the truth was.'

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mum stand up and head down the front path.

*Essie, I've got to go.'

*You promised.'

*I know.'

We didn't talk in the car on the way home. I tried to give Mum directions again but she told me she knew where she was going and sounded impatient. Maybe she'd only been humouring me before.

When she parked outside our house, she rested her head on the steering wheel and said, *Sorry, Hannah.' She peered at me. *I'm just so . . . angry.'

*Do you hate Essie for what she did?'

She sighed and sat upright. *I wish it was that simple. It's not just what she did, is it? It's the whole mess. Who knows where I'd have ended up if she hadn't taken me? Maybe a really great family, maybe a horrible one. I can't imagine not having had my dad a" or the man I thought was my dad. I tried to love Essie too, for years a" even after I knew she wasn't my mum a" but she wouldn't let me.'

Mum hunched over the steering wheel and began to sob.

*She does love you, though, Mum,' I said, and tried to hold her.

*The feelings between us are so tangled up I don't know what to do with them. I've tried to run away from her but I never get very far. What does that mean?'

*I don't know, Mum.'

We stayed that way for a while, until Mum wiped her face and took a few deep breaths. Then I noticed Sam walking along the street. I watched him unlatch the gate. I saw him reach for his key and then the door opened and Dad was standing there. It was like watching a still frame, but they must have been talking. The next thing I knew Dad had his arms around Sam. He was patting his back the way men always do. And that's when I saw the whole picture at once.

*I've got an idea, Mum. You're probably going to hate it.'

When we walked in, Dad and Sam were at the kitchen table having a beer. Dad stood up and looked awkward.

*It's okay, sit,' said Mum. *Have a beer with your son.' She kissed the top of Sam's head and went to the fridge, took out the half-full bottle of wine that Angie had brought over a few days ago and grabbed two gla.s.ses. *Hannah and I will be in my room if you need us.'

Mum put her arm around me and as we walked down the hallway I looked back at the boys.

*As I was saying,' said Dad, *I'm sorry for being a d.i.c.khead.'

*I'm sorry for being a d.i.c.khead, too,' said Sam, and they clinked their stubbies. Maybe it could really be that simple, sometimes.

Dad knocked on Mum's door an hour later.

*I'm off,' he said.

Mum smiled, just about, and nodded to me a" a message that I should see Dad out.

At the front door Dad grabbed me in a bear hug before I could argue about it. Not that I would have. *Movies soon?' he said.

*Okay. Are you taking your maps with you this time?'

We both looked along the wall.

*Maybe just one. My hotel room is pretty soulless.'

I hooked it off the wall and handed it to him, all without crying. It was a small step, at least.

Mum popped her head around the bedroom door. *I'll call you tomorrow a" there's something we need to discuss. A plan of Hannah's, in fact.'

*Sounds intriguing,' said Dad. *Okay, call me any time. You know where I am.'

After he'd gone, I made myself scarce while Mum talked to Sam. I knew she'd be telling him Essie's story and about my idea, and I thought it'd be better if I wasn't there. I wanted the plan to work, that was all.

When I came out of the shower, Sam was just going into his room.

*Well?' I said. *Could it work?'

His frown said no. *It's all pretty messed up, Han. I'm still taking it in.' But then his eyes said something different. *I'll think about it, okay? No promises.'

For a while I listened to the sounds of Mum getting ready for bed. The swish of water in the basin, the clank of her toothbrush in the metal cup, the click of her bedroom door and then the m.u.f.fled sound of a radio talk show she loved. It was comforting. I was suddenly grateful for the things that stayed the same even when everything else was tipped upside down.

That night I had a dream about Essie. In the dream she was fifteen and looked like me. We were on the beach, sitting back to back. Suddenly, she screamed, *My baby!', pointing frantically to a tiny body thrashing about in the waves. I ran into the ocean and swam as hard as I could, with the sound of her screams ringing in my ears. When I got to the baby, it was face down. I carried it out and lay it on the beach. When I looked over at Essie, and then down again to the baby, there was nothing but a dead bird.

Essie sat on the beach, her face grief-stricken. She smacked two stones together, harder and harder. Clack, clack, clack . . .

Knock, knock, knock. It was morning and someone was at my door. Scribble jammed his head into mine, purring.

*Hannah?' Mum called through the door. *Phone.'

*Yep, I'm up. Come in.'

Clutching a towel around her, Mum chucked the phone on my bed. She smiled and winked at me, and I wondered if that meant she'd thought more about my idea.

*h.e.l.lo?'

*It's me.'

*Hi, Chlo. What's up?'

*I'm doing it.'

*Doing what?' For a second I thought she'd actually phoned me during s.e.x.

*The thing for Essie.'

*Don't be stupid, Chloe. Course you're not.' The heat from the bed evaporated as I ripped back the doona. My heart was thumping.

*There's something you don't know,' she said. *Your grandmother needs us. Badly. It's a crime if we don't do it.'

*Have you been back there?' I could see it now: Essie and Chloe in a smoky huddle, drinking gin and laughing about me.

*She had no food in the house. I did some shopping for her. Someone had to.'

*Chloe! She has nothing to do with you. Just leave it. You don't know what you're talking about.'

*She doesn't belong to you, Hannah. She's a person in her own right, she's not just your grandmother. The world doesn't revolve around you.'

*This is bulls.h.i.t. Why are you even calling me to tell me this?'

There was silence for a moment.

*Is Sam there?' she said.

*I dunno, why do you care? Have you gone insane? You're not doing this, I won't let you.'

*I'll tell you what's insane, Hannah: the thought of you stopping me from doing something. And by the way, I know about your sad little date with my brother.'

Chloe hung up.

I paced around my room, holding my head. The cat mewed. *Okay, Scribble! I know!'

I got dressed and hurried into the kitchen to get my keys and purse. Mum was peering into the fridge, humming a tune. There was already breakfast on the table and for once it looked like actual food.

*Mum, this looks amazing, but I have to go. I'm really sorry.'

*What's wrong? You look spooked. I made bacon!' Mum's face was different a" brighter.

*That's awesome, Mum. You enjoy it, okay? I'm just in a hurry.' When I'd taken control last night it had paid off, so there was no need to worry her now. Besides, there was no way I wanted to spoil her mood.

*Your idea is a maybe,' she called out just as I was leaving.

*Oh, wow, brilliant!'

*I only said maybe.'

*I'll see you later!' I ran down the hall. Sam was just coming out of his room, his hair sticking up like turkey feathers.

*What going on?' he said, bleary-eyed.

*Nothing, just got to run.'

He grabbed my arm and whispered, *Is it Chloe?'

*What? Do you know something?'

*She called me. She sounded weird.'

*Huh? Why would she call you?'

Mum appeared down the other end of the hall. *What are you two whispering about?'

*I'm just driving Hannah somewhere,' said Sam.

My head was spinning. Sam was driving like a maniac and he still wouldn't tell me what was going on. We were stuck at some traffic lights and he was tapping his leg frantically.

*I slept with her, Hannah.'

*You did what?' One look at his expression and I knew it wasn't a joke. *Oh, come on. Please.' I started to laugh. Maybe a week ago it would have seemed like a big deal, but nothing could surprise me now. *When?'

*She's been on at me for ages. But then it just kind of happened. It was a one-off.'

*I don't believe it.'

*Why are you smiling?' He was so wound up the car was swerving all over the place.