Steal My Sunshine Part 17

Chloe nudged me but I couldn't respond a" I could hardly breathe. Essie carried on.

*With Malcolm, I hoped we'd settle into the kind of partnership I had in mind. We were still only children ourselves when I think about it, but I'd grown up so much in those years a" lost my innocence, I suppose. I wanted someone I could trust and feel safe with. But on top of everything else, he so wanted a child. I resisted for as long as I could but then I saw a way. Eventually he got what he wanted.'

*You mean Mum?'

*Yes. Malcolm worshipped her. She was good as gold with him. I couldn't do it, you see. I had the shop to run. Mrs Logan had left it to me. You understand, don't you, girls?'

*Course we do,' said Chloe.

*Hannah?'

*Yes, Essie, I understand.' I couldn't stop thinking about Mum, the way Essie had described her just then. It reminded me of Mum talking about Sam and me as babies. Sam was the angel who fell asleep on cue and ate everything she put in front of him. He was so good he made her think she could have another. Then along came me. Mum'd laugh and tell Angie and Margot that I cried from the moment I came out until the moment I could crawl. She didn't sleep for six months because of me. I was allergic to everything and didn't put on weight fast enough. I was a worry. When she talked about me like that it was as if I'd done it on purpose.

But what if, somehow, Mum had lost Sam? What if she hadn't had him to love, and instead she'd just had me, the difficult one?

*I want to make up for everything, girls,' said Essie. *Before I die.'

*Essie, you're not dying!' I said. *Don't say that.'

*Do you want us to find Connie for you?' said Chloe.

*That's what I wanted for a long time.' Essie's fingers quivered as she brought them to her lips. *Malcolm tried for a while but he had nothing to go on. I had nothing to show for her. And now that it's caused so many problems for your mother, I think it's best left alone.'

*What problems?'

*I shouldn't say. I don't want to cause trouble.'

*You won't, Essie. Secrets don't do anyone any good. Come on, you can trust me.'

*Well, your father leaving.'

*What's Dad got to do with any of this?'

*It's not my place.' Essie was rearranging the blanket on her lap, and I got the feeling I was being manipulated. I couldn't connect the dots in here; it was stifling. *I know I did wrong but I can't be blamed for everything,' she said.

*Of course not, Essie. No one blames you,' I said.

But that wasn't true. Essie had been a bad apple on our tiny family tree since forever. I'd never truly understood why, and I still didn't a" there was something she wasn't telling me. I needed to leave Essie's and talk to Mum, and find out what Dad had to do with this.

*Essie,' I said, shifting forward onto the floor, *what did you mean about wanting to make up for everything? You mean you and Mum? I could talk to her, tell her to come here. If she heard your story properly, the way you've told me, I'm sure . . .' I wasn't sure of anything and ran out of words.

*Can you hear that?' she said. *That crying?'

*It's a baby from across the street again. It's always crying. Essie, listen, I want to help you.'

*I knew you would, darling. That place robbed me of every hope I ever had of loving a child in the way it deserves to be loved. Jo could have survived it, if they'd let her. Even with what she'd been through she'd have made a good mother. A lot of them could have. But not me. I was no good. I never held your mother when she cried, never resented the time away from her when I was working. In those early years my only goal was to keep her.' Essie clutched her hands to her chest. Her face looked so desperate that I was scared of what was coming next.

*I love her now though, Hannah. More powerfully than you can imagine. Surely that counts for something.'

*Of course it does.'

*I know it's not enough,' she said crossly. I saw her turn on me, the way I'd seen her do so many times with Mum. *I've told you things I haven't told another living soul. I've trusted you.'

*I know, Essie, I a"'

*Who else trusts you like I do?'

*No one.'

She stood up, clearly in pain, and looked down the hallway. *She's always crying. The mother doesn't pick her up.'

*Essie, come and sit down. It's hot and you're tired from all this. We should go.'

*I want the baby, Hannah.'

*What?'

*Don't look at me like that. Listen to me . . .' She faltered and jabbed the floor with her stick. *I don't mean to keep . . . I'm not insane. I just want you to bring the baby here, to me. I want to hold her.'

I started to laugh and looked at Chloe for help, but she was dead serious like Essie.

*Well, invite them over then,' I said. *I don't understand what you're saying.'

*That wouldn't work. I don't want the mother here.'

*Essie, you're scaring me.'

*s.h.i.t, you're even scaring me,' said Chloe.

*You're nervous, darlings, and I understand. You need time a" but I don't have much of that. I'm old, I'm ill. I don't want to die without ever feeling that life in my arms.'

*But you had me and Sam, Essie. You must have held us when we were born.'

Essie's face darkened. *I didn't. You can ask your mother why if you want to. Listen, it wouldn't be a crime. I've watched that mother a" she's like me, no good. She won't care a" she won't even notice.'

*Essie! Stop it. I'm not having this conversation.'

She grabbed the arm of her chair, her eyes wild with a fury meant for me. *Sister called it divine retribution. Well, I took my punishment. I carried Connie for miles, made her part of my life.

*I felt pain when she cried, but no one felt mine. I felt peace and something like love when she slept, but nothing had prepared me for the relentlessness, the brutal up and down, the desperation. She needed too much.

*And for those years with Mrs Logan a" when we had Connie and after she was gone a" I had to make everyone believe that I was really just a young girl doing her sister a favour. Not a mother. I was never really Connie's mother. And when Sara . . . came along, as she did, I couldn't be a mother then either. The Sisters were right.'

Chloe said the words I wish I could have come out with. *They were thieves, simple as that.'

Essie nodded and cried. *I need to hold that baby. Is it possible for you to understand?'

I couldn't think of what to say. What did she want me to do, just knock on the door and ask to borrow the screaming baby? I couldn't do something like that in a million years. Why had she picked me?

*Just for a moment,' she said. The cry of the baby seemed louder than ever. *Do this for me.'

We walked in silence down Essie's front path. A car went past, the wind blew the trees, clouds moved across the sky a" the world was just the same as it had been before and it would go on being the same, even after we found out that girls like Essie had been locked up and abused, and their children had been taken away and never seen again. But I didn't feel the same.

The door of the house across the road opened and two old men came out. They were in shorts and singlets and Blundstone boots; both had beards and mops of s.h.a.ggy hair. One had pasty white arms that stretched out like pizza dough when he raised his stubby to his lips; the other was an Indigenous man with deep-set eyes and grey streaks through his hair.

They sat down on the mismatched garden furniture arranged on the plain stone porch. They were laughing, enjoying each other's company. I thought back to a few days ago when Essie's story had really begun a" when I'd found her in her chair. The day Dad left.

*Why've we stopped?' said Chloe.

*I just have to do something.' I needed Chloe to dissolve out of the picture for a moment. Those men had been bullying Essie and it was about time someone stood up for her.

*Well, do it then.'

*I am.'

I walked up to their wire front gate. They looked younger close up. There were two fluorescent vests draped on an old barbecue.

*G'day, love,' said the pasty one. *You lost?'

*No, I've just come from my grandmother's a" just there.' I pointed to Essie's place behind me.

*Ah yeah, she okay, is she?' said the other man. *Haven't seen her lately. We used to have a bit of a chat in the mornings.'

*Did you? From what she said it was a bit more serious than that. Don't bother her again or I'll call the police.'

*What's she on about?' the pale one said to his mate.

*You scared her,' I said, gripping the fence tighter. *It's not right.'

The men gave each other a look; I wasn't getting through.

*Did you hear what I said? I know you've been calling her names through the door, intimidating her.'

*Look, love, I don't know what's going on with your nan,' the Indigenous man said. *But we've been nothing but civil. I put her rubbish bins back on the porch every week, say h.e.l.lo whenever she comes out to get the paper, I even get her b.l.o.o.d.y milk from time to time a" that's about it. So I don't know what you think's been going on, but I'm telling you now, it hasn't.'

His eyes were sincere but hadn't Essie looked that way too? I backed away from them without saying another word. I had to believe her. She'd told me so much this past week; why would she have lied about this? I heard Mum's voice from all the times there'd been trouble in the past a" times that hadn't involved me, when I'd just been a little girl. To unsettle you, Mum might say. To test you. To cause a split between us.

The men shrugged at each other and carried on drinking.

*What was all that about?' said Chloe.

*Doesn't matter.'

*You might as well tell me, chick, I know everything else.'

*You don't know everything.'

*What's up your nose?'

I couldn't deal with her right now, I had to focus. *I'm just all stressed out about Essie's story.'

*Tell me about it,' she said. *Shall I come back to yours to hang out?'

*Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Okay?'

*Sure. Whatever.'

We walked in silence along the bay, a distance apart so that a pa.s.ser-by could cut through us. Our friendship felt so fragile and complex. In one way, I wanted to drop it and never look back, but I was desperate to know what she was thinking about Essie.

She linked arms with me. *We should do it.'

*What?'

She shrugged and gave me an impish look. Her eyes were smudged black after a long afternoon in Essie's stifling lounge. *Don't worry so much. You always worry. You're the luckiest person I know and yet you worry, Han.'

*I can't help the way I am.'

*Well, I can help. I reckon that's why Essie wanted me to know everything. 'Cause she knew you'd be too gutless.'

I stopped dead and pulled my arm from hers. *p.i.s.s off, will you?'

She look surprised and stifled a laugh. *Whoa. You sound like me.'

*Well I'm not you, I'm me and this is my problem, Chlo. Okay? My family has nothing to do with you.'

Chloe's face turned deadly serious. I realised I was terrified of her and that I had no more idea what was going on inside her than she understood about me.

*There's your tram,' she said sternly. *You'd better run for it.'

I did run, because I had nothing left to say. I ran away just like she told me to.

*Run faster!' I heard. And it wasn't until I was on the tram and catching my breath that I began to think that, no matter what I did, both Essie and Chloe had a hold on me.

The house was dead quiet. I kicked off my shoes, peeled off my socks and walked along the cold wood floors to the fridge. I sunk my teeth into a wedge of watermelon and switched the radio on before I noticed her sitting there.

*Jesus, Mum! You gave me a heart attack.'

*Sorry, love.'

She sounded like she had a cold. There was a box of tissues in front of her. And when I ditched the watermelon and sat beside her, I could see she'd been crying.

*Where's Sam?' I said.

*Not here.'

I moved a tiny bit closer. *Are you upset about Dad?'

She patted my leg and tried to put on a smile but it was as if her face wouldn't quite stretch. *Partly that. And some other things. I'm sorry for the way I've been, Hannah. The way I've treated you.' She started to sob, and after a while, her mouth gaped open like she wanted to say more but there was all this raw pain that had to pour out first. I felt scared, but more than that, I felt protective. And that was new for me and Mum.