Standard Selections Part 79

MR. H. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men--

MAR. Well, but suppose--

MR. H. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll p.a.w.n my dukedom, says he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So--

MAR. What, my good friend, if you give us a gla.s.s of punch in the meantime, it would help us to carry on the siege with vigor.

MR. H. Punch, sir?

MAR. Yes, sir, punch. A gla.s.s of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable. This is Liberty Hall, you know.

MR. H. Here's a cup, sir.

MAR. [_aside_]. So this fellow, in his Liberty Hall, will only let us have just what he pleases.

MR. H. I hope you'll find it to your mind. I have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. [_Drinks_.]

MAR. [_aside_]. A very impudent fellow, this! but he's a character, and I'll humor him a little. [_Aloud_.] Sir, my service to you. [_Drinks_.]

HAST. [_aside_]. I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an inn-keeper before he has learned to be a gentleman.

MAR. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose?

MR. H. No, sir; I have long given that work over.

HAST. So, then, you have no turn for politics, I find?

MR. H. Why, no, sir; there was a time, indeed, when I fretted myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding myself every day grow more angry, and the government no better, I left it to mend itself. Sir, my service to you. [_Drinks._]

HAST. So that, with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with receiving your friends within, amusing them without, you lead a good, pleasant, bustling life of it.

MR. H. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlor.

MAR. And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster Hall.

MR. H. Aye, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy.

MAR. [_aside_]. Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an inn-keeper's philosophy.

HAST. So, then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason manageable you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this.

Here's your health, my philosopher.

MR. H. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear.

MAR. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper?

MR. H. For supper, sir? Was ever such a request made to a man in his own house?

MAR. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appet.i.te. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.

MR. H. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. Why, really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them.

MAR. You do, do you?

MR. H. Entirely. By-the-bye, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

MAR. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offense, I hope, sir.

MR. H. O, no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. Should we send for her she might scold us all out of the house.

HAST. Let's see the list of the larder, then. I ask it as a favor. I always match my appet.i.te to my bill of fare.

MAR. Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too.

MR. H. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper--I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Gunthorp. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

_Enter_ ROGER, _with a bill of fare_

HAST. [_aside_]. All upon the high ropes! His uncle a colonel--we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the bill of fare. [_Exit_ ROGER.

MAR. What's here? For the first course, for the second course, for the dessert! The devil, sir! do you think we have brought down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Bedford? two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do.

HAST. But let's hear it.

MAR. "For the first course at the top, a pig's face and prune sauce."

HAST. Out with your pig, I say.

MAR. Out with your prune sauce, say I.

MR. H. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig, with prune sauce, is very good eating. But, gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?

MAR. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and luggage properly taken care of.

MR. H. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

MAR. Leave that to you? I protest, sir. You must excuse me, I always look to these things myself.

MR. H. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

MAR. You see I'm resolved on it. [_Aside_.] A very troublesome fellow this as ever I met with.

MR. H. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you.

[_Exeunt_ MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS.

[_Aside_.] This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fashioned impudence. What could my old friend Sir Charles Marlow mean by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town!

To me he appears the most impudent piece of bra.s.s that ever spoke with a tongue!