Standard Selections Part 51

"Why, he that entered first was there no more than I."

"All that is true, but he has married been, And so on earth, had suffered from all sin."

"Married, 'tis well, I've been married twice."

"Begone, we'll have no fools in Paradise."

IF I KNEW

ANONYMOUS

If I knew the box where the smiles are kept, No matter how large the key, Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard, 'Twould open, I know, for me.

Then over the land and sea broadcast, I'd scatter the smiles to play, That the children's faces might hold them fast For many and many a day.

If I knew a box that was large enough To hold all the frowns I meet, I would like to gather them, every one, From the nursery, school and street, Then, holding and folding I'd pack them in, And turning the monster key I'd hire a giant to drop the box, Into the depths of the sea.

THE IMAGINARY INVALID[70]

JEROME K. JEROME

I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch--hay fever, I fancy it was. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases generally. I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into--some fearful, devastating scourge I know--and, before I had glanced half down the list of "premonitory symptoms," it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.

I sat for a while, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever--read the symptoms--discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it--wondered what else I had got; turned up St.

Vitus's Dance--found, as I expected, that I had that too,--began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom and so started alphabetically--read up ague, and learned that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight. Bright's disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid's knee.

I felt rather hurt about this at first; it seemed somehow to be a sort of slight. Why hadn't I got housemaid's knee? Why this invidious reservation? After a while, however, less grasping feelings prevailed. I reflected that I had every other known malady in the pharmacology, and grew less selfish, and determined to do without housemaid's knee. Gout, in its most malignant stage, it would appear, had seized me without my being aware of it; and zymosis I had evidently been suffering with from boyhood. There were no more diseases after zymosis, so I concluded there was nothing else the matter with me.

I sat and pondered. I thought what an interesting case I must be from a medical point of view, what an acquisition I should be to a cla.s.s!

Students would have no need to "walk the hospitals," if they had me. I was a hospital in myself. All they need do would be to walk around me, and, after that, take their diploma.

Then I wondered how long I had to live. I tried to examine myself. I felt my pulse. I could not at first feel any pulse at all. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed to start off. I pulled out my watch and timed it. I made a hundred and forty-seven to the minute. I tried to feel my heart.

I could not feel my heart. It had stopped beating. I have since been induced to come to the opinion that it must have been there all the time, and must have been beating, but I cannot account for it. I patted myself all over my front, from what I call my waist up to my head, and I went a bit round each side, and a little way up the back. But I could not feel or hear anything. I tried to look at my tongue. I stuck it out as far as ever it would go, and I shut one eye, and tried to examine it with the other. I could only see the tip, and the only thing that I could gain from that was to feel more certain than before that I had scarlet fever.

I went to my medical man. He is an old chum of mine, and feels my pulse, and looks at my tongue, and talks about the weather, all for nothing, when I fancy I'm ill; so I thought I would do him a good turn by going to him now. "What a doctor wants," I said, "is practice. He shall have me. He will get more practice out of me than out of seventeen hundred of your ordinary, commonplace patients, with only one or two diseases each." So I went straight up and saw him, and he said:

"Well, what's the matter with you?"

I said:

"I will not take up your time, dear boy, with telling you what is the matter with me. Life is brief, and you might pa.s.s away before I had finished. But I will tell you what is not the matter with me. I have not got housemaid's knee. Why I have not got housemaid's knee, I cannot tell you; but the fact remains that I have not got it. Everything else, however, I have got."

And I told him how I came to discover it all.

Then he opened me and looked down me, and clutched hold of my wrist, and then he hit me over the chest when I wasn't expecting it--a cowardly thing to do, I call it--and immediately afterward b.u.t.ted me with the side of his head. After that, he sat down and wrote out a prescription, and folded it up and gave it me, and I put it in my pocket and went out.

I did not open it. I took it to the nearest chemist's and handed it in.

The man read it and then handed it back. He said he didn't keep it.

I said:

"You are a chemist?"

"I am a chemist. If I was a cooperative store and family hotel combined I might be able to oblige you. Being only a chemist hampers me."

I read the prescription. It ran:

"1 lb. beefsteak, every 6 hours, 1 ten-mile walk every morning, 1 bed at 11 sharp every night.

And don't stuff up your head with things you don't understand."

FOOTNOTE:

[70] From "Three Men in a Boat," published by Henry Holt & Co.

JANE JONES[71]

BEN F. KING

Jane Jones keeps talkin' to me all the time, An' says you must make it a rule To study your lessons 'nd work hard 'nd learn, An' never be absent from school.

Remember the story of Elihu Burrit, An' how he clum up to the top, Got all the knowledge 'at ever he had Down in a blacksmithing shop!

Jane Jones she honestly said it was so!

Mebbe he did-- I dunno!

O' course what's a-keepin' me 'way from the top, Is not never havin' no blacksmithing shop.

She said 'at Ben Franklin was awfully poor, But full of ambition an' brains; An' studied philosophy all his hull life, An' see what he got for his pains!

He brought electricity out of the sky, With a kite an' a bottle an' key, An' we're owing him more 'n any one else For all the bright lights 'at we see.

Jane Jones she honestly said it was so!

Mebbe he did-- I dunno!

O' course what's allers been hinderin' me Is not havin' any kite, lightning, er key.

Jane Jones said Abe Lincoln had no books at all An' used to split rails when a boy; An' General Grant was a tanner by trade An' lived way out in Ill'nois.

So when the great war in the South first broke out He stood on the side o' the right, An' when Lincoln called him to take charge o' things He won nearly every blamed fight.

Jane Jones she honestly said it was so!

Mebbe he did-- I dunno!

Still I ain't to blame, not by a big sight, For I ain't never had any battles to fight.

She said 'at Columbus was out at the knees When he first thought up his big scheme, An' told all the Spaniards 'nd Italians, too, An' all of 'em said 'twas a dream.

But Queen Isabella jest listened to him, 'Nd p.a.w.ned all her jewels o' worth, 'Nd bought him the Santa Maria 'nd said, "Go hunt up the rest o' the earth!"