Song Of The Nile Part 29

At last, the emperor's face showed some sign of recognition. "It can't be . . ."

Helios squared his shoulders, his voice low, filled with a pious resolution. "I come to avenge Egypt. To avenge my father, my mother, my brothers . . . and most of all, to avenge Selene."

"Don't," I said to Helios, finally finding my voice. "For the love of Isis, don't kill him!"

My twin's glance flickered my way and seeing me undressed seemed only to make his rage burn hotter. His blade glinted in the light, the tendons of his thick forearm twitching. "I'll kill him swiftly, which is more than he deserves."

"No!" I cried, clambering over the emperor's body, shielding him with my own.

Augustus was filled with kykeon and hubris. He shoved himself up to his feet, knocking me to the ground. My hands. .h.i.t the stone floor, the resounding impact rattling my bones. "We're here to be shown the secrets of the afterlife, Selene. The G.o.ddess challenges me to grapple with him, like Hector and Achilles!"

The kykeon was in me too, and I was disoriented, wondering if I wasn't imagining all of this. But not even in a vision would I allow any man to be slain in a temple. The emperor staggered toward Helios as my twin's muscular arm arced back for the killing blow. The deadly point would strike true, at the vulnerable place between the emperor's ribs where his heart would beat its last. In desperation, I threw out my arm, and the sirocco woke to my call, rushing down my elbow and exploding from my fingertips. It was a wild, uncontrolled blast that caught both men and lifted them from the ground. My wind wrenched the sword from Helios's hand, sent it tumbling end over end into the wall where it shattered like gla.s.s.

It wasn't the only thing to break.

As if wings flapped behind me, my winds howled through the room, knocking over sconces and ripping tapestries from the wall. Pomegranates rolled upon the floor beside my mother's scepter. Baskets of grain tipped over, spilling their contents, which then flew up into the air, pelting us. As I struggled to my feet, my mother's sparkling diadem tumbled from my hair, which now whipped wild round my head.

The emperor lay on the bed, eyes closed, unmoving, breathing shallowly.

"I don't need a sword to kill him, Selene," my twin said, rage in his eyes. "No one else in the world may dare, but I can kill him with my bare hands."

"I can't let you," I shouted over the howling wind. "I won't let you."

"I promised that I'd always defend you, Selene, and it's the only promise I can keep. He violated you once and lived. He won't live to do it a second time." Helios pointed at the bed and I felt the spark of fire even before it left the tip of his finger, the flames blazing. The silk upon which the emperor lay ignited around him. Sweet Isis, Helios was going to burn him alive!

I pushed another funnel of air toward the flames, trying to extinguish Helios's fire. Our magic met in burning bed linens and seeds of grain, force against force, Helios and I drawing heka from the temple floor to counter each other. Smoke and flame billowed with ribbons of purple silk, soot rising to stain the cult statue of the G.o.ddess. "How can you do this?" I cried. "You defile her temple."

"I'm stopping a defilement," Helios replied. "You should ask yourself how you can do this. How you can mate with a monster and give him a son."

"Because I must!" I shouted, sending charred bits of silk into the swirling maelstrom. "Do you think I want this? 'Remember Egypt,' our mother said. I'm walking in her footsteps now."

Helios lifted a second hand, orange and yellow fire billowing from both palms, and I stretched my hands to meet them, wondering how long I could hold him back. Which one of us was stronger? "She would have never done this, Selene. What she did, she did for love. Can you say the same?"

No. I was grateful to Augustus. I'd learned to admire him. I'd even forced myself to share in his triumphs and be glad for them. But I loved only Helios. The antechamber became a furnace, an intolerable forging oven in which my inner resolve was melting away. "Our mother took two Romans for politics too. For Egypt . . . she'd have done anything for Egypt."

"Perhaps," my twin said, his eyes squeezing shut. "It was her kingdom. It isn't ours."

Not ours? My winds faltered and his fire seared my fingertips. What could he mean? Some dark voice inside me knew, and I redoubled my efforts, blowing the flames back at him until they shot toward the ceiling, a pillar of fire between us. "Don't say that to me, Helios. Not to me. Not after all the blood. After all the struggle. After all the battles you've fought and the cities that have been destroyed-"

"Do you even remember Alexandria?" Helios asked. "Do you still count it your home?"

"Yes!" I screamed, angrier than I'd ever been. Angrier still to know it was a lie. Oh, I remembered Alexandria, and the faith I had as a child that the lighthouse would guide me home. That Helios should know my heart and name my guilt made me furious. Egypt lived in me . . . but I'd taken her elsewhere. I'd taken the spirit of Alexandria and transplanted her to foreign sh.o.r.es. I'd built her image in Mauretania, where my palace waited for me by the sea. Mauretania, where my child had been born. Where the people loved me and where the G.o.d of the land had come to me as Osiris comes to Isis.

"You can't unburn Caesarion," Helios said. "You can't make our mother and father sit up in their tombs and join the living again. But if you do this, it may send you to your tomb."

Above the roar, the emperor groaned but didn't open his eyes. The air whirled dangerously through the heated chamber, the candle wax melting on the altars and bits of gla.s.s and pottery clattering against the walls. And the breath went out of me, my lungs singed by thoughts I didn't want to acknowledge. I glanced up at the statue of the G.o.ddess, willing her to speak to me. Willing her to cut into my hands and tell me what she would have of me. But this was a silent Greek version of my G.o.ddess. It was only the words of Helios that cut me. "You don't have to do this, Selene. You don't have to be his mistress, his G.o.ddess, or the mother of his child."

I'd spent my life scheming, spinning such a web of deceit that even I no longer knew what I actually felt or only pretended to feel. I wondered what it would be like to be free of all this. To be myself and not a new incarnation of my mother. What might it be like to let it all go . . .

At that moment, Augustus roused himself, his eyes opening, his hands raised against the storm of debris. My brother's determination was renewed at the sight of the emperor's struggle and Helios launched a ball of fire from his hands, sending it spiraling toward the emperor, rolling like one of those pomegranates upon the floor.

I leapt in front of it. It struck me in the shoulder and my gown burst into flame.

"No!" Helios roared, tackling me to smother the fire.

What hair remained on my forearms burned away, and as Helios dragged me to the floor I screamed at the emperor, "Run!"

Naked, Augustus managed to stagger past us, stumbling into the dark corridor beyond while Helios beat the flames from my body. My arm was red in patches where I'd been burned, and I'd skinned my hands in my fall. Helios held them now, staring as my blood pooled up in the wounds. "Forgive me, forgive me, Selene."

"Just go, Helios. Go now, before the emperor summons his guards. There are only precious moments. Or will you spill more blood in a temple?"

"I would have only the blood of Octavian on my hands here, not yours! Never yours!"

There was no time to argue. The room was burning and I imagined that I heard the stomping feet of the emperor's praetorians. I took my twin's soot-covered face in my hands and made him look at me. "Will you go or force me to watch you be cut down?"

"Come with me," Helios said. This room would burn. The world might think I'd burned with it. I could die as Helios had died in Thebes and be free. Free as my father had been when he fell upon his sword. Free as my mother had been when she put her hand in that basket of figs . . .

We both knew it wasn't possible. "I can't leave Isidora."

Helios gulped in smoke. "Then you must get free of him. You must swear to me that you'll get free of Augustus or I'll stand here and meet whatever fate."

"We'll speak of it later. You'll find me again and-"

"Selene, before the G.o.ddess, vow that you'll get free of him. Find a way, any way, to get free of him!"

I knew that if I didn't swear, my twin would stand here and die like the proud fool he was, so the words fell easily from my lips. "I swear to you by Isis, I will get free of Augustus."

Helios pulled me into a desperate kiss. One that tasted of life and death. I scented the smoke and the grain and the incense. And beyond that, in the revelry outside, the scent of grilling meats and celebration. The scents and sounds that we'd been born to. He kissed me, and kissed me, and our fingers twined together before I felt the tug of heka as he drew the remaining flames back inside him. The fire went out. The room went still. We broke apart, one last look into one another's eyes before he turned and fled.

In the scorched but silent chamber, I stood coughing uncontrollably. I fastened my gown, pulling my hair behind my shoulders, trying to think of what lie I'd have to spin to absolve me of guilt when the guards rushed into this sacred room. The silence stretched on until I thought I'd go insane waiting for the inevitable clatter of Roman armor. It never came. Instead, the emperor staggered back in the door, bony fingers clutching at me as if to prove I was real. "The G.o.ddess has given me a vision!"

My senses failed me, one at a time. My vision narrowed. My lips numbed. After that, I remember nothing more.

Thirty-eight.

NOT knowing where I was, my eyes fluttered open to find the emperor's physician hovering over me. I sprawled upon a well-appointed bed, my arm bandaged where it had been burned. With heka sickness ravaging my bones, I also became aware of the burning pain in my arm. Both were agony. Isidora. I moaned her name. Given what had happened in the temple, Augustus would be consumed with rage, bent on vengeance. I didn't fear for myself but for my daughter. I should have sent her back to Mauretania. Back to Juba. A certain softness stole over me at the realization that he'd protect her. Whatever troubles had ever been between us, I could trust Juba with my daughter; I despaired of having never appreciated this about him before.

As regret consumed me, the emperor's grim face appeared over my sickbed, his eyes troubled. "She wakes. Kore rises from the underworld yet again."

He would have more questions than I could safely answer. He would know me for the scheming liar I'd always been . . .

"You must've overturned a brazier in the night," Musa said as I groaned in pain again. "The initiates claim there was a storm and fire swirled around the temple, but men see such terrors when they indulge in the kykeon. It's a miracle you weren't both burned alive."

"Yes, a miracle," the emperor agreed quietly. "Can you give her something for the pain?"

"No," I whispered, refusing with a shaky hand the concoction that Musa tried to force to my lips. I couldn't afford dull senses now.

"She doesn't want it," the emperor said, pulling a chair close to my bedside. "Leave us."

Once Musa was gone, I thought it strange to see Augustus sitting vigil beside me as I'd once done beside him. "I hadn't believed there was a world beyond this one, Selene. Not when words carved in blood and flesh upon your arms, not even when I first saw you raise your hands and call the winds did I believe . . . but now I've seen the power of your G.o.ddess and the terrors of the underworld."

The terrors of the underworld were nothing compared to my fears of what Augustus might do if he thought himself betrayed. But I saw neither rage in his eyes nor wrath in his posture as he sat beside me, his gaze far away and haunted, one hand slowly stroking his chin as if to relearn the contours of his own face. "Do you know what happened upon our return to Athens?"

I didn't remember. I hadn't been conscious. I shook my head.

"Zarmanochegas, the holy man in the Indian delegation, burned himself alive. He was inspired by the flames and the storm. Just as my litter bore you into Athens, this man stood before me and immolated himself."

Augustus was shaken as I hadn't seen him shaken in a very long time. Not since he believed that my mother was still alive. Not since he first saw the messages of Isis on my arms. "It must have been a terrible thing to see a man burn alive."

"No," he said, turning to me with naked zeal in his eyes. "It was a thing of wonder. A sacrifice worthy of me, a man to whom G.o.ddesses send visions."

He hadn't mentioned Helios, so I nodded, wary as if I faced a cobra, ready to dodge its strike. "What did you see?"

"Did we not journey into the underworld together?"

"Yes, but-I want to know if we were sent the same vision."

He moved from the chair to the bed, not seeming to notice when I hissed in pain, cradling my burned arm against me. "I saw ecstasy, terrors, and salvation. I saw the a.s.sa.s.sins. Brutus. Ca.s.sius too. And the boy. Caesarion. Did you see him?"

"Yes," I admitted, fascinated.

"Then I became Caesar," he continued. "I put the crown upon Cleopatra's head. I put the scepter in her hands . . . and she spread her body over me like the stars over the earth. Then it was your body. Warm and real. You and I, joined together at last . . ."

I stole a glance to see if he were taunting me, but he wasn't. He went rigid with desire, and my mouth fell slightly agape. Did he not recall that we'd been interrupted? Or was I the one who misremembered, only wishing under the influence of the kykeon that the deed hadn't been done? He'd been drunk on the kykeon, whereas I'd had only a few swallows. Perhaps it had been enough to distort my memories too.

"I took you as my bride," the emperor recalled, and for one paralyzing moment I thought he might stroke himself with the hand that drifted between his legs. Then he stilled. "Death came for me as a pillar of fire." I swallowed, remembering the glint of Helios's sword and the flames, trying to find the words that might excuse me of conspiracy. "It was your father's shade. I'd know Antony's hulking shoulders anywhere, though his hair was all yellow flame. It was a warning. A warning of some kind. A warning against touching you, I think."

He looked down at me, fearful. He was very near the precipice of something. I need only push him. Vow to me that you'll get free of him! I squeezed my eyes shut against the agonizing pain and my twin's impetuous demand. I'd said only what must be said to make him flee and save his life. Vows could be broken. What was one more deception upon the weight I already carried in my heart? "In my vision, I was your salvation, Caesar."

Now the emperor brightened, hopeful. "Yes. The G.o.ddess came to me in your guise and beat death back with the air from her wings and a flood of grain. With seed. I always thought that d.a.m.nable frog amulet at your throat meant that you were a resurrection of your mother. Perhaps you're my resurrection. You'll give me a son to live on after me. And when I'm gone, you'll preserve my legacy . . ."

It's what you want to believe, I thought. I had only to rea.s.sure him. Stoke the fantasy that he desired, as I'd always done, and he'd remember that he made me Queen of Egypt. He'd remember his promise to marry me and set Livia aside. Nothing I'd ever done would be easier than to rea.s.sure him that he'd been cleansed by fire, that the deeds of his past had all been burned away to make way for a new Golden Age. He'd believe me. So why couldn't I do it?

I'd made a vow to my G.o.ddess. A vow to Helios. A vow to myself...

My mother had chosen one River of Time for her own. Now I must choose another, even as all other possibilities flowed away. My mother's calling was not mine. Isis had called me to something different. To break free of Augustus was to accept that I might never see Egypt again. To accept that when I died, I'd be buried in a tomb built for my twin, on a hill in Mauretania that had blossomed forth with flowers to celebrate the child in my womb.

"What is it, Selene? What did you see?" Augustus asked, leaning forward.

Child of Isis, you are more than flesh. That is what my G.o.ddess wished to teach me. What I wished to teach my daughter. I was more than a body to give this man a child. My heart was made to hold so much more than hatred. And I didn't have to destroy this man to triumph over him. Turning away from the emperor, a sound of mingled grief and victory escaped me.

"Tell me, Selene. I command you."

I remembered my twin's fury and confusion as I fought his magic with my own. I'd been stronger. Strong enough to save the emperor's life. Maybe now I could be strong enough to save myself. "I saw the scepter of Egypt fall from my hands," I whispered. "The crown flew from my head, and in my vision, Caesar, I could only protect you from death by giving up what I wanted most."

He reeled back. "What are you saying? You're saying that it was a warning?"

One little word that would change my destiny. It came out as a sob. "Yes."

His hands went to his hair, pulling at it by the fistful. "No, but the seed . . ."

"Spilled seed. Cornucopias overflowing. Isn't that one of your symbols? One of your tokens of the Golden Age? It was prophesied upon my birth that I must help bring about a Golden Age, but it won't be mine; it will be yours, Caesar. I'll ensure your glory as your obedient daughter and client queen. That's how I can help lift the curse my G.o.ddess placed upon you."

He was on his feet in a flash. "You and the games you play! If you think that you'll rule Egypt and deny me a son-"

"I can deny you nothing, but you already have a son. Claim Julia's little boy."

"No," Augustus said, shaking his head, distraught.

"You would've made Julia's child with Marcellus your heir. You need only adopt your grandson by Agrippa. Let Julia's little boy be a Caesar. It's what you always intended. If you search your heart, you know it was always your plan."

"Gaius is Agrippa's son and Agrippa has made himself my enemy!"

"Admiral Agrippa is still your friend. You can reconcile with Agrippa . . ."

Now anger crept into his features. "You're just afraid. We've come so far, you and I. To the edge of greatness. Where is my Cleopatra? Who is this timid creature who turns away when offered the world?"

I was Cleopatra's daughter, Isidora's mother, the Queen of Mauretania, beloved of Isis. I was myself. I didn't need to be anyone else. He did. "I'm your temptation, Caesar. Your Dido."

At this, the emperor's eyes snapped to mine. "What?"

"I've always been your temptation. You must send me away. The G.o.ds demand it of you as they demanded it of Aeneas."

At the reminder of his forefather, Augustus blinked several times. He'd said that he wanted to be Caesar and wanted in me his own Cleopatra, but those ambitions weren't lofty enough for him. He wanted to be Aeneas, a thing I'd always known, a desire I'd fueled in him from the start. Aeneas, the great Trojan hero, forefather of Rome. Aeneas, who was, in Virgil's epic, the stalwart hero who must abandon his African queen to meet his destiny.

"No, it cannot be," he whispered, even as he looked down upon my charred dress, a sure reminder of Dido, who had thrown herself upon a pyre for lost love. "You're mistaken," he said, fury turning his face crimson. "You told me once, words in vivid red blood on your hands, that there would never be an end to it between us and you were right. I'll never let you go."

But it was done. Like a Roman pilum, my javelin had arced through the air, struck his shield, and stuck. The idea would drag upon him no matter how valiantly he tried to fight it. He would send me away-with protestations and self-pity and tears at ruthless fate-but he would send me away. Perhaps even this very night.

AS my ship slipped from the harbor into the Aegean, the mood of my courtiers was decidedly somber. Lady Lasthenia wouldn't meet my eyes, her disappointment palpable. Lady Hybrida blubbered, waving away anyone who tried to hush her. One could rarely tell what Memnon thought about anything, but his shoulders rounded in defeat beneath his bloodred cloak. Crinagoras couldn't even bring himself to make a self-congratulatory remark. None of them knew that the emperor had placed my mother's diadem on my brow and her scepter in my hands; they believed I'd failed them, yet somehow they sought to rea.s.sure me.

"Majesty, he'll send for you again," Crinagoras said. "Augustus has too much of a poet's soul to let it end like this."

Perhaps, I thought. Perhaps not. Maybe the Eleusinian Mysteries made an end of it for him. It wouldn't surprise me, for I had, in some sense, made a different man of the emperor. Augustus might go on to his destiny as the father of Rome and never turn back. Or perhaps he would summon me again, the game between us timeless. Eternal.

It was too much to contemplate now. My burned arm throbbed painfully beneath my clothes and I wanted wine and oblivion. During the days, I slept in my berth, lulled by the sound of the oars below as we journeyed back to Africa. At night, I drank to excess and I drank alone. I shunned moonlight and pined for those lost nights with Helios on the beach. I shunned sunlight too, for it reminded me of his hair. I felt as if I'd been roused from a long dream, like kykeon had been my whole life and only now was I awakening.

Gulls cried and I heard the little running steps of Isidora and Tala's boy as they chased after one another. Someday, my daughter might hate me for choosing these simpler pleasures for her, but heart, be still, listen to her laugh! I clasped my hands over my mouth, overcome, but did nothing to disguise my tears. I let them roll down my cheeks, wet and salty.

It would all be different now. It must all be different now. Augustus believed that I was the wronged party, that he'd abandoned me and left me wounded. Scorned. To a.s.suage his worries that I might throw myself into a pyre for love of him, he'd be generous with me. I would do as I pleased and Augustus would say nothing against it.