Social Life Part 9

Birth cards are frequently sent to all friends, at home and abroad, as soon as the child is named. One very pretty style now in mind read as follows: ETHEL MAY TOUCEY, Half-past twelve o'clock, January 12, 1895.

This was enclosed in two small envelopes and sent by mail. These are more especially useful for sending to friends at a distance.

Christening and Funeral Cards are considered in their respective departments. Families in deep mourning are not expected to send out return cards under the first year. Some prefer, however, to send cards of thanks very soon to those who have inquired, leaving ordinary visiting cards unanswered the usual length of time.

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VISITING CUSTOMS

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The customs of society in regard to visiting or "calling," and the rules that govern these customs, are well worthy of our attention and care, since they in a great measure underlie and uphold the structure of our social life. No one, therefore, need consider these details trivial or of little account, since, according to Lord Chesterfield, "Great talents are above the appreciation of the generality of the world, but all people are judges of civility, grace of manner, and an agreeable address, because they feel the good effects of them as making society easy and pleasing."

Length of Visits.

Ceremonious visits should always be short, fifteen to twenty minutes being the outside limit, and a shorter time often sufficing. Even should the conversation become very animated, do not prolong your stay beyond this period. It is far better that your friends should regret your withdrawal than long for your absence. A lull in the conversation, a rising from her seat, or some pretext on the part of the hostess, or the arrival of a guest, all give an opportunity for leave-taking which should be made use of at once.

The Art of Leaving.

Cultivate the art of leaving; nothing will contribute more to your social success. It is said of so brilliant a woman as Madame de Stael that she failed lamentably in this particular, and, on the occasion of her visit to Weimar, made with the avowed intention of intellectually captivating the literary lions of the age, Goethe and Schiller, she made one fatal mistake, she stayed too long! Goethe wrote to Schiller: "Madame de Stael is a bright, entertaining person, but she ought to know when it is time to go!" It is also evident from her own statement that she did not know _how_ to go. She lingered after she had started, and if this were an unpardonable sin on the part of so marvelous a woman, it is surely a capital crime on the part of ordinary mortals.

The art of leaving is more thoroughly understood by men than by women.

The necessities of business life teach the value of time, and the press and hurry of city circles teach them the art of leaving quickly, so that a social call on the part of a business man is a model of good manners. When he has "had his say" and politely listened to yours, he takes his hat, says "good day," and is gone from your presence without giving opportunity for those tedious commonplaces of mutual invitations and promises to come again which seem a social formula with so many women.

When Ready to Leave, Go at Once.

Never say, "I must go," but, when you have finished your visit and rise to depart, go! Never permit yourself to be drawn into touching upon any subject at this critical moment that will necessitate lengthy discourse for yourself and hostess, or force upon you the awkward alternative of reseating yourself to finish the conversation. There is always a certain awkwardness in thus repeating the ceremony of leave-taking which may be avoided by a quick and graceful departure that leaves both host and guest with feelings of the utmost amiability toward one another.

On the other side it is necessary that the host and hostess supplement this laudable endeavor on the part of their guests in order that the departure may be gracefully accomplished. Never detain the visitor, who is attempting to leave, by protests, by inquiries, or by the introduction of new subjects. One writer very pertinently says: "The art of leaving on the part of the guest needs to be supplemented by the art of letting go on the part of the host."

First Calls.

There is, possibly, more difference of opinion on the subject of _who_ shall make the first visit or call and _when_ it shall be made, than almost any other point of etiquette. At the same time more importance is attached to it than to almost any other social question, and it touches more uniformly every phase of city or country life than any other canon of courtesy.

Neither neighborliness, nor good-Samaritan feeling, can exist without the civility of a call, and, when there is too great a hesitancy on the part of a resident to call upon the newcomer, one is reminded either of the priest or the Levite as they "pa.s.sed by upon the other side," or is forced to recall the parvenue's dread of losing a footing in social circles.

Common sense and kindliness of heart are always to be relied upon in matters of this nature, and the initiative may safely be taken by those who have social position, age, or length of residence on their side. Of course in large cities the immense demands of social life give a certain immunity from anything like promiscuous calling to those whose circle of acquaintance has already grown beyond the limits of their time. In towns and villages, however, no such immunity exists, and a call may be easily made, or a card left, while, on the other hand, should the new acquaintance prove "pushing," or in any way obnoxious, one simply ceases to leave one's cards and the evil is done away with.

Many elderly ladies, and others whose time is very much occupied by social or other duties, excuse themselves from calling customs. Under such circ.u.mstances, they frequently send their cards, accompanied by an invitation, to newcomers younger in years, thus entirely omitting the personal visit. Such invitations, whether accepted or not, should be honored in the same manner as if preceded by a call.

If two people meet pleasantly at a friend's house and wish to continue the acquaintance so begun, let them not hesitate, should none of the before-mentioned distinctions exist, as to which should make the first visit. Still, it is ofttimes wise not to call too hastily upon the newcomer, especially in cities, where it is well first to be properly introduced, and further still to have some a.s.surance that your acquaintance is desired by them as well. As before stated, priority of residence, age, or pre-eminence in social position, should properly be upon the side of the one making the first advances. If none of these exist, let the braver of the two break the social ice.

The etiquette of summer resorts demands that the owners of cottages call first upon renters, and afterward that both unite in calling upon later comers and arrivals at hotels or boarding houses. Of course, such intercourse is simply for the pleasure of the time being, and carries with it no responsibility of recognition in the future, unless such recognition should be satisfactory to both parties. It would be well for the "summer girl" and the "summer young man" to remember this canon whereby "society" guards the doors of its exclusiveness, enjoy the "good that the G.o.ds give" and expect no more.

Subst.i.tute for First Call.

In continental countries, and in cosmopolitan Washington, newcomers make the first advances themselves, leaving cards with those whom they wish to number among their acquaintances. Every one returns these cards, and invitations flow in upon the aspirant for social honors.

This custom, unfortunately, does not hold good anywhere else in this country, though a polite expedient is sometimes adopted by persons entering upon life in a new city. This consists in the newcomer sending out her cards for several reception days in a month. These may be accompanied, or not, by the card of some friend well known in social circles, if such she have, to serve as voucher. If not, she relies upon her own merits and sends out her cards unaccompanied.

According to the varied authorities recommending this course of action, those rudely ignoring this suggestion are few in number, and the lady is permitted at once to feel that she has commenced her social career.

Morning and Evening Visits.

Any visit made between the hours of twelve and six is to be looked upon as a morning visit, though there is a little difference in various cities with regard to the exact time. Where one expects to touch upon reception hours, from three to five is usually a safe limit. In country towns or the small cities, from two to five are the usual hours for paying visits. Evening visits should be made between the hours of eight and nine, and ordinarily should never extend in length beyond the hour of ten.

Sunday Visits.

Gentlemen are permitted to call upon lady friends, Sundays after church and Sunday evenings, business cares being their excuse for not availing themselves of the other days of the week. Of course, if there exists any known objection in the family to Sunday visiting all their friends are bound to respect it.

Reception Days.

If a lady have a known reception day, callers are bound, in common politeness, to make their visits, as far as possible, upon that day.

If this is not done, either a card only should be left, or, if a personal visit is intended, particular instructions should be given to the servant to the effect that if "Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged she is not to trouble herself to come down." For which thoughtfulness, "Mrs. Brown," if she be a busy woman, and troubled with many social cares, will cordially thank you.

Unfortunately, it often happens that many of our friends have the same reception day, and one's own "day" may conflict with that of one's nearest friend, so that, where the circle of acquaintance is large, much good nature, a few apologies and a great many cards are needed to safely balance the social accounts.

It is considered a rudeness to simply leave a card, when one happens to arrive upon a lady's reception day, without entering the room for a few moments' visit.

"Not at Home," "Engaged."

The simple and necessary formulae of, "Not at home," or "Engaged," are more frequently questioned than any other social custom. Nevertheless their use is often a necessity, while, on the contrary, their abuse is to be regretted. No suspicion of an untruth need apply to either, for the phrase, "Not at home," is used with the accepted signification of, "Not at home, for the time being, to any visitors." If, however, conscience rebels against this so transparent fraud, there is always the alternative of "Engaged," which carries not the least suspicion of deception with it, but is somewhat less gracious to the ear.

Indeed, were it not for these safeguards, the woman of society must bid good-by to all opportunities for solitude, self-improvement, or the fulfillment of her own social duties.

The servant should be very carefully instructed each morning as to the formulae to be employed through the day, or such portion of the day as the lady of the house shall require to herself. No lady, after a servant has informed her that the mistress of the house is "not at home," will question as to her whereabouts, or the probable length of her absence. If she should so far forget her dignity, the well-trained servant will answer all inquiries with a respectful, "I do not know, Madame," adding, if such be the case, "Mrs. Brown receives on Thursdays."

Should a servant show evident hesitation upon receiving your card, and say, "I will see if Mrs. Brown is in," enter the parlor, at the same time saying, "If Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged, or going out, beg her not to trouble herself."

Never, except upon urgent necessity, insist upon pencilling a word or two upon a visiting card and sending it up, where a lady is "engaged,"

as a demand upon her attention. If a servant has said the lady is "not at home," she has a perfect right to refuse the message.

In suburban towns and small cities, where reception days are not common, the lady of the house must be very careful how and when she denies herself to visitors. Indeed, in all cases much discrimination must be shown in this respect, as great inconvenience may result, and some injustice be done, by an indiscriminate denial. But, as before said, in towns, it is better, if possible, to receive guests. Even if no servant is kept, the mistress can usually, by the exercise of a little care, keep herself neat and presentable. If at any time some slight alterations are necessary to the toilet, let the interval thus employed be very short.

Some one has said that it would be well for a lady having a reception day to devote a part of the morning of the same day to business calls, and to instruct her servants to inform all comers of this custom.

Visiting List.