Social Life Part 4

Misuse of Quotations.

Do not use cla.s.sical quotations before a woman unless you know that, by virtue of a cla.s.sical education on her own part, she is capable of appreciating the point. Remember, too, that there are a great many men who, not having enjoyed your educational advantages, are annoyed, rather than edified by your display of learning.

Do not make a point of exhibiting your learning aggressively anywhere.

"Cla.s.sical quotation is the literary man's parole the world over,"

says Dr. Samuel Johnson, but he savored somewhat of the pedant, and his imitators, by too frequent an indulgence in this habit, may run the risk of aping his pedantry without possessing his genius. Neither is it well to interlard conversation with too frequent quotations from English authors, no matter how well they may fit the occasion. This is a habit that easily becomes tiresome.

"Small Talk."

The current change of society is the light coin of "small talk" that breaks with c.h.i.n.k and shimmer the heavy bills of large denomination, that else would overwhelm social conversation with their size.

Wiseacres may meet and learnedly discourse on all manner of sage subjects, but that is discussion, debate, argument, what you will, not conversation. Conversation is light, brilliant, and tossed back and forth from one to another with the grace and ease of the feathered shuttlec.o.c.k.

A lady of high literary attainments was seen in a gay gathering sitting quietly by herself in a corner, and, being questioned by a friend as to her silence, replied, half bitterly, "I have no 'small change,' and my bank bills are all of too large denomination for the occasion." This is a difficulty that one should strive to overcome, for, after all, it is small change, rather than bank bills, that society in general requires.

Given the foundation of even a moderate education, the aspirant for social success will gain more ideas from modern fiction than from any other source whatever. No historian presents the social manners and customs of his time with half the accuracy displayed by our best fiction writers. A well known society woman, familiar with its usages both at home and abroad, declares that "a course of Anthony Trollope is as good as a London season," and we all know that Howells and James and other authors of that ilk have lifted the _portieres_ of our own drawing rooms and shown us what is transpiring therein. Gail Hamilton says that to be "well-smattered" is next best to being deeply learned, and nowhere can a smattering of almost everything be better gained than from the modern works of fiction.

A Valuable Source of Knowledge.

A friend of the writer, a talented elocutionist, and socially brilliant, once said with reference to her quiet country home and her sudden emergence therefrom to mingle in Washington society, that she found herself perfectly at ease in those circles so widely different from her previous experience of life, and that "she attributed it wholly to her knowledge of social customs and the social atmosphere, as gained from the best society stories." It was in this manner that she served her social novitiate and the result bore testimony to its efficacy.

Where one is not quite sure of rising to the occasion it is well to be provided, before attending a social gathering, with several topics that will be suitable to bring forward in conversation. Many are in the habit of doing this constantly. Some new book, one that created a little sensation, some course of lectures, some late theatrical or operatic entertainment, anything, in short, that is generally popular.

Be careful, however, in broaching such subjects not to egotistically give your own opinion at the outset by saying decidedly, "I think that book is a perfect failure, quite absurd in fact. What is your opinion?" This course of action, if your companion is younger or more timid than yourself, will probably reduce him to the point of having no opinion whatever, or at least to being afraid to express it, and the conversation, as such, will fail completely. Whereas, if you had quietly asked him if he had read the book, how he enjoyed it, etc., you would have gradually entered upon a conversation wherein you would have drawn out his ideas and at the same time have been enabled to display your own.

Cultivate Your Mind.

One of the first requisites of social success is a cultivated mind.

You cannot hope to hold your own in society without at least a general knowledge of the events of the last few years in historical, scientific, artistic and social fields. Such knowledge is easily gained by a little study and a great deal of observation, the pains taken being more than recompensed by the ease and a.s.surance with which one enters society.

If a musician or an artist, you should be sure to know something of your chosen art aside from the mere technicalities. Be well versed in the various schools of painting, the varied merits of the musical masters of the past and present. Be filled with the spirit as well as the technique of your profession and you cannot fail to converse pleasantly upon these subjects. Always remember, however, not to advance your opinions to the utter exclusion of every one else, or your companionship will become tiresome to the best of listeners.

"Drawing Out Others."

The very essence of the art of conversation is to draw others out and cause them to shine; to be more anxious, apparently, to discover other people's opinions than to advance your own.

Who does not remember gratefully and admiringly the sympathetic people who seem to draw out the very best there is in us--in whose company we appear almost brilliant, and actually surprise ourselves by the fluency and point of our remarks? Such people are a boon to society.

No one sits dull and silent in their presence, or says unpleasant, sarcastic things before them, and, while never seeming to advance any views of their own, and certainly never forcing them upon our attention, we involuntarily learn of them and love them, scarcely knowing why.

Malebranche showed his knowledge of human nature when he wrote: "He who has imparted to others his knowledge without any one perceiving it and without drawing from it any advantage, necessarily gains all hearts by his virtuous liberality. Those who would be loved, and who have much wit, should thus impart it to others."

The Pa.s.sion for Argument.

Never permit yourself to be drawn into an argument in general society.

Nothing can be more provocative of anger on one side or another, or more destructive to conversation, than a lengthy and, too often, bitter argument. Good breeding would suggest that the subject be changed at once before the controversy becomes heated. Especially should any debate upon politics or religion be avoided as subjects upon which two seldom agree, but which are so close to the hearts of the majority as to cause serious annoyance if their pet beliefs are touched upon or questioned. Be careful, also, not to take the opposite side of _every_ question that is brought up in conversation.

Wit and Humor.

Sidney Smith once said: "Man could direct his ways by plain reason and support his life on tasteless food, but G.o.d has given us wit and flavor, and laughter and perfumes, to enliven the days of man's pilgrimage, and to charm his pained footsteps over the burning marl."

And Sidney Smith was so much the life and soul of every social gathering that, while the English language is spoken, his witty remarks will be quoted with delight.

Wit, however, is too often but another name for sarcasm and ridicule, that, like a barbed arrow, rankles long in the soul of its victim.

True humor, it should be remembered, is neither scathing nor insolent; it is simply that bright repartee that someone aptly calls the "spice of conversation." Hence it would be well to smother the temptation to be witty at the expense of another, and crush back the brilliant but cutting retort meant only to wound, not to amuse.

Evil Speaking.

Beware of evil speaking. In the eyes of all right-minded persons much that you have said recoils upon your own head, for no one has quite the same opinion of an individual after having listened to a series of scandalous stories from his lips. Hence, for your own sake, as well as for that of others, eschew the vice of evil speaking as a very pestilence.

Let young ladies have a care how they speak lightly or contemptuously of one another at any time, but more especially when conversing with men. Nothing, as a rule, is more prejudicial to a woman, in the estimation of a man, than this all-too-prevalent habit. No matter what the faults of your sister-woman may be, condone them gently, or, if this be impossible, let a silence that is golden fall about the subject.

Unhesitatingly acknowledge a woman's beauty or talent, and, instead of detracting from your own merits, it will enhance them in the eyes of all. A young man was once heard by the writer counselling his sister from the depths of his own experience as a social favorite. "Never,"

said he, "say one word against a girl to any young man. It only puts you down in their estimation. Say something pretty and complimentary about them if you can; if not, keep still." And his advice was words fitly spoken, that are, indeed, "like apples of gold in pictures of silver."

"Telling Stories."

Stories should never be introduced into general conversation unless they meet several requirements. In the first place, they should be short and well told. Secondly, they should be new to the company where they are told. Nothing is more tiresome than listening to a twice-told tale, though the height of good breeding is to smile over its tediousness.

One way to avoid inflicting this martyrdom is to ask beforehand if any one present has heard such and such a story. Then, in the third place, it must be straight to the point, and directly called for as an ill.u.s.tration of the case in hand.

[Ill.u.s.tration:

"SOCIETY IS QUICK TO TRACE THE MAGIC OF A PLEASING FACE."]

Do not tell more than two or three stories or anecdotes in the same evening. Never be guilty of relating in company a narrative that is in the least questionable in its import. This is utterly inexcusable, and, to so sin, is to render one's self unfit for social companionship. Avoid repet.i.tion. If some portion of an anecdote has met with applause, do not repeat it. Its unexpectedness was its only charm.

Absent-Mindedness.

This is a sin against good manners which cannot be too greatly condemned, being, as it is, in some measure an insult to the company in which you find yourself. No one cares to be of so little importance as to find the person addressed totally oblivious of his presence or remarks, and no one can blame him if, as Chesterfield suggests, "finding you absent in mind, you should speedily find them absent in body."

Profuse Compliments.

To be endurable, compliments should be made use of in a very cautious and artful manner. If permitted to degenerate into gross flattery they are far from complimentary to the understanding of the individual addressed. The day, happily, is long since past when conversation between men and women was confined to unmixed flattery on the one side and blushing acceptance on the other. That "the best flattery is that which comes at second hand," no one can deny, yet, judicious praise is not only acceptable but useful many times in giving the needed incentive, without which the flagging footsteps might have faltered on their way.

Contradictions and Interjections.

Never be guilty of abrupt contradictions. If you differ decidedly from some given opinion, soften the expression of your difference by such modifications as, "I hardly think so," or, "My idea is rather different," or, "I beg to differ." This is much more polite and less likely to arouse antagonistic feelings.