Social Life Part 19

If, however, she should display a strong inclination towards affectation and flirtation; be extremely showy or else careless in her attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may rightly conclude that very little home happiness is to be expected from her companionship.

Trifling.

A true gentleman will never confine his attentions exclusively to one lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to all manner of conjecture, lays an embargo on the formation of other acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her happiness, and by after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortification.

Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in honor bound to make his attentions to ladies as general as possible.

Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the man who insinuates himself into the affections of a young girl by every protestation and avowal possible, save that which would be binding upon himself, and then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he has not committed himself.

Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure of refusing him and thus adding one more name to her list of rejected proposals, is utterly unworthy the name of woman.

Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts.

On the question of gifts there is a point of etiquette to be observed.

Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits, flowers, or confections; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, are supposed, in all probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation resting upon the lady.

Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with perfect propriety, say, "I wish that you could see such or such a work and, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy." It is then optional with the lady to accept or refuse.

Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in the presence of her father and mother, "I am very much obliged to you for that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to offer me the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or Mamma does not object." If the lady is positive in her objections to receiving gifts, it is easy to say, "I thank you for the kindness but I never take expensive presents;" or, "Mamma never permits me to accept expensive presents." These refusals are always to be taken by the gentleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted, it is perfectly proper for the mother to return it with thanks, saying, "I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive gifts."

After an engagement is formally made the etiquette of gifts is somewhat altered, though even then expensive presents, unless it be the engagement ring, are not in the best taste. These should be reserved for the marriage gifts.

Proposals of Marriage.

The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature that each man must be a law unto himself in the matter, and time and opportunity will be his only guides to success, unless, mayhap, his lady-love be the braver of the two and help him gently over the hardest part, for there be men and men; some who brook not "no" for an answer, and some that a moment's hesitation on the part of the one sought would seal their lips forever.

A woman must always remember that a proposal of marriage is the highest honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must refuse it, to do so in such fashion as to spare his feelings as much as possible. If she be a true and well-bred woman, both proposal and refusal will be kept a profound secret from every one save her parents. It is the least balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has chosen her from out all women to bear his name and to reign in his home. A wise woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to the point of a declaration, and, by her actions and her prompt acceptance of the attentions of others, should strive to show the true state of her feelings.

A gentleman should usually take "no" for an answer unless he be of so persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by siege; or unless the "no" was so undecided in its tone as to give some hope of finding true the poet's words:

"He gave them but one tongue to say us, 'Nay,'

And two fond eyes to grant."

On the gentleman's part, a decided refusal should be received as calmly as possible, and his resolve should be in no way to annoy the cause of all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the origin of the refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press his suit once more; but if an avowed or evident preference for another be the reason, it becomes imperative that he should at once withdraw from the field. Any reason that the lady may, in her compa.s.sion, see fit to give him as cause for her refusal, should ever remain his inviolable secret.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SOCIAL PASTIME ON RETURN VOYAGE.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DECLINED WITH REGRETS.]

As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should be only intellectual, not affectional. You are yet more acquaintances than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noonday brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms _gradually_, and as summer "lingers in the lap of spring;" so marriage should dally in the lap of courtship. Nature's adolescence of love should never be crowded into a premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is; yet to establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given it; so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon cloys, then disgusts.

Unbecoming Haste.

Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which involuntarily shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of marriage.

Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures of courtship are unsurpa.s.sed throughout life, and quite too great to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or diminishing them redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundredfold more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever. A lady, asked why she didn't marry, since she had so many making love to her, replied: "Because being courted is too great a luxury to be spoilt by marrying."

No man should wait to make his pile. Two must _acquire_ a competence conjointly, in order fully to really _enjoy_ it together. This alone can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces.

A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man's selection and decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canva.s.s their mutual adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory; yet a final test and consummation now become necessary, both to bring this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides; including any improvements possible in either.

How to Deal with Objections.

The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than verbally, perhaps, when excited. Those same primal reasons for reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to marriage.

You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true human nature always appears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything.

All needed to appear well is to _feel_ right, and express naturally what is felt. Saying plainly what you have to say, is all required.

The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting both in each other's eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretending to give model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying circ.u.mstances will vary each _ad infinitum_, the following may serve as samples from which to work:

"MUCH ESTEEMED FRIEND: As we have agreed to canva.s.s our mutual adaptations for marriage, and my own mind is fully made up, a final decision now becomes necessary.

"What I have learned of and from you confirms that high opinion of you which prompted my selection of you, and inspires a desire to consummate it. Your pleasing manner and mode of saying and doing things; your intelligence, taste, prudence, kindness, and many other excellencies, inspire my highest admiration.

"Will you let me love what I so much admire?

"But my affections are sacred. I can bestow them only on one who _reciprocates_ them; will bestow them upon you, if you will bestow yours on me; not otherwise; for only _mutual_ love can render either happy. I can and will love you alone, with all my heart, provided you can and will love only me, with all of yours. Do you accord me this privilege, on this condition, for life, forever? I crave to make you my wife; to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being, with honest, a.s.siduous toil, fidelity to business, what talents I possess, and all I can do to contribute to your creature comforts. Do you accord me this privilege, on this condition? May I enshrine you as queen of my life?

"Say wherein you find me faulty, or capable of improvement in your eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my conscience, to render myself worthy and acceptable to you.

"I wish some things were different in you--that you had better health, arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more about keeping house, etc.; yet these minor matters sink into insignificance in comparison with your many excellences, and especially that whole-souled affection obviously inherent in you.

"Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in order to decide judiciously, you require to know more of me, ask me, or ---- and ----. Please reply as soon as you can well decide.

"Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly and wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered affection, say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of our marriage. Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and hope ever to remain,

"Yours truly,

"A.B."

A true woman could give a better answer than the following, which does not claim to be a model. It is hardly time yet for a gushing love-letter, or we would not profane this sacred subject by making the attempt; yet should like to receive one in spirit somewhat as follows:

"DEAR SIR: Your proffer of your hand and heart in marriage has been duly received, and its important contents fully considered.

"I accept your offer: and on its only condition, that I _reciprocate your love_, which I do completely; and hereby both offer my own hand and heart in return, and consecrate my entire being, soul and body, all I am and can become, to you alone; both according you the 'privilege' you crave of loving me, and 'craving' a like one in return.

"Thank Heaven that this matter is settled; that you are in very deed mine, while I am yours, to love and be loved by, live and be lived with and for; and that my gushing affections have a final resting-place on one every way so worthy of the fullest reciprocal sympathy and trust.

"The preliminaries of our marriage we will arrange whenever we meet, which I hope may be soon. But whether sooner or later, or you are present or absent, I now consider myself as wholly yours, and you all mine; and both give and take the fullest privilege of cherishing and expressing for you that whole-souled love I find even now gushing up and calling for expression. Fondly hoping to hear from and see you soon and often, I remain wholly yours forever,

"C.D."

Sealing the Vow.