Shrimp. Part 3

I said, 'And if I had realized Autumn was gay I wouldn't have been so, you know, hung up on the idea that you and she had hooked up."

Shrimp said, "Oh, we hooked up. After." My hormonal 61.overdrive shifted from l.u.s.t to boiling point on the verge of major temper tantrum. I had to summon every ounce of willpower not to SCREAM at the top of my lungs. My temper was held in check by the view of Iris standing next to Java. I had to avert my eyes so Shrimp's mom wouldn't notice my aura turning to THUNDERCLOUD RAGE RAGE RAGE. "Right before I left for PNG. We just didn't, like, finish the job up. It was sort of a You're here and I'm here, and we're both kinda bored and curious You're here and I'm here, and we're both kinda bored and curious hookup. Didn't mean anything, y'know?" hookup. Didn't mean anything, y'know?"

Yeah, I do know. His name was Luis, but what does that have to do with anything?

Why does Shrimp have to be so honest all the time? Why can't he ever lie, just a little, if for no other reason than to prevent me from wanting to pounce on over to Autumn and claw her freakin' eyes out. And I wouldn't mind jabbing my hammock partner into a Shrimp etouffee right now either.

My arms crossed back over my chest and I could feel my mouth turning into a jut so mad that the expression was in danger of being permanently molded to my jaw. I said, "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do know. There was a guy in NYC who worked for my bio-dad. But it also wasn't an all-the-way situation."

I looked into Shrimp's eyes and thought, Are we even now? Can we move on? Are we even now? Can we move on?

Apparently not. Shrimp just let it out: 'Are you over that crush on my brother?"

If Shrimp and I are ever going to get back on course, one of us eventually has to give, so as an experiment in aura improvement, I figured why not let it be me? I said, 62."That so-called crush is like a tumor, but a benign one, see? Do you get it?"

Shrimp's mouth turned into a slight, gnarly half-smile. "I guess," he said. "I kinda have a crush on your mom."

Payback is a b.i.t.c.h.

Iris plopped down next to our hammock, sitting on a stool made from a tree stump. Her presence saved me from responding to Shrimp's proclamation, which would have required me wading into an area so gross all I could picture was a Goya-type painting of me drowning in a boiling cauldron of icky worm-snake creatures wrapping themselves around my flailing self. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Cyd Charisse," Iris said. She took my hand in hers. "I'm so glad you were able to come tonight. A little surprised, too. Shrimp, Wallace, and Delia all had wagers going on whether your mother would let you back into this house." Iris shouted toward Delia, who was pumping the keg. "Dee, you owe Shrimp ten bucks!"

Shrimp patted my knee like he was my grandpa--what was that about?--and hopped off the hammock. "I'll catch up with you later," he said to me. Hmmph, maternal avoidance much?

I watched Shrimp from behind--he really has such a nice a.s.s--small and round and just pert--as he walked away to join his brother. The view of Wallace and Shrimp standing together, identical ocean-wind-whipped hair, laughing the same laugh and smiling the same smile, made me turn to Iris, their creator. She was looking at the brothers too, with that mama lioness look of pride. "Blessings on their mama," were the words floating through my head, and from Iris's big smile back at me, I realized the words had traveled from my 63.brain and out of my mouth. Iris reached over and ran her fingers through the front of my hair, like Nancy does when I let her. That simple Mommy touch helped downgrade my boiling-point temperature.

Iris said, "Do you have some room for me on that hammock?" She stood up from the tree-stump chair and wrapped the caftan edges of her long dress tight around her legs. I moved over to give her room but she said, "Oh, no, let's lie down and look at the stars. Of course, with all the pollution here you can't really see the night sky like you can in the South Pacific, but I'm betting we'll see something worthwhile."

Being fundamentally weird and prissy, I did not want to share the hammock with her, but Iris was also the mother of my manifest destiny so I figured better not offend her by suggesting she might be invading my personal s.p.a.ce. Luckily Iris lay down in the direction opposite me so we were toe-to-head instead of head-to-head. I must admit, the gentle sway of our two bodies on the hammock was rather nice in the brisk night ocean air, and hey, those stars up there, the ones you could see through the slight fog haze, were right twinkly.

Iris said, "I'm not really a city person, but I do love San Francisco. The eucalyptus smell out here by the beach, it's almost intoxicating. And it's warm tonight, for San Francisco at least! The last time I was here, when we moved Shrimp into this house with Wallace, I had to wear a down coat to be up here on the boys' roof. And it was July!"

Next time I can corral Shrimp into a round of my Job for a Day game, I want to be a concierge at one of those fancy San Francisco hotels, as I am sure tourists would 64.appreciate my knowledge of The City and its microclimates. I explained to Iris, "That's because it's fall, which in San Fran means the arrival of the summer we were denied with fog and supreme chill during July and August. September and October are the best months in The City, warm and sunny, like practically balmy. Of course, if you live in The Mission or Noe Valley you probably get to see the sun every day, but here in Ocean Beach, and lotsa times over in Pacific Heights, you can go days without seeing sun during the summer." The early fall months, warm and sunny and and minus the summer tourists so ignorant they thought they could experience the California Summer Beach Boys experience in San Francisco, are my fave months in The City. This fall would be the first in three years that I had been home to enjoy it. minus the summer tourists so ignorant they thought they could experience the California Summer Beach Boys experience in San Francisco, are my fave months in The City. This fall would be the first in three years that I had been home to enjoy it.

"I understand you spent this past August in New York. How did you like it?" Iris said. "Billy and I went there once a few years ago. We protested a G-7 economic summit. We had traffic backed up all along Park Avenue. Good times."

Mental note: Never invite Iris over to meet Sid-dad.

"New York was weird and interesting and scary-cool, and I would like to go back again, but under different circ.u.mstances. If I go back I would want to stay with my brother and his boyfriend instead of my bio-dad, and Shrimp should come cuz he would love all the museums and art galleries and, um, just art everywhere, everywhere, like the graffiti on the subways and the hip-hop spray painting on the sides of random brick buildings and on the huge water tanks that sit on the roofs of the bigger apartment buildings. Shrimp would be digging that city something serious." like the graffiti on the subways and the hip-hop spray painting on the sides of random brick buildings and on the huge water tanks that sit on the roofs of the bigger apartment buildings. Shrimp would be digging that city something serious."

Why was I telling Iris all this? These were the words 65.that should have filled my empty-air conversation with Shrimp. I was dying to tell him about New York--and I still hadn't heard about his faraway adventures.

"You have good taste in men," Iris said.

"I agree." I didn't always have such good taste, but Shrimp changed all that.

Iris announced, "Now, for our special treat." I was thinking, Chocolate souffle? Did someone make a chocolate souffle? Chocolate souffle? Did someone make a chocolate souffle? They're really hard to make but so delectable, but Iris's idea of a special treat was way different than my own. I lifted my head from the hammock to see Iris reaching into the pocket of her caftan dress, from which she pulled out a lighter and a big fat blunt. They're really hard to make but so delectable, but Iris's idea of a special treat was way different than my own. I lifted my head from the hammock to see Iris reaching into the pocket of her caftan dress, from which she pulled out a lighter and a big fat blunt.

Iris is so the coolest mom ever.

She lit and took a nice long hit. She didn't let out one cough, and she blew rings with the exhaled smoke. Worship her! Caffeine is my drug of choice, but who was I to turn away the J when Iris pa.s.sed it my way; special treat indeed. indeed. The smell of that baby was way too nice to bother debating the wisdom of sharing in the experience with my beautiful, unfaithful true love's mother. Mmmm, nice smell. Nice. The smell of that baby was way too nice to bother debating the wisdom of sharing in the experience with my beautiful, unfaithful true love's mother. Mmmm, nice smell. Nice.

"Humboldt's best," Iris said. So that that is what she meant by the little deposit left by her friends in Humboldt County. is what she meant by the little deposit left by her friends in Humboldt County.

I took a short drag--it had been a long time for me, like soph.o.m.ore year, and n.o.body back at that boarding school ever scored bud this sweet and STRONG--but I still hacked out the exhale.

"Try another--slower, shorter," Iris advised.

I took another hit, breathing in slowly so the smoke could go down deep without being overwhelming. Ahhhhh. Nice Humboldt County, well done.

66."Tell me about yourself, Cyd Charisse," Iris said. One more hit and I pa.s.sed the joint back to Iris. I could feel the rage over the Shrimp-Autumn hookup not exactly going away but dissipating into a mellow feeling of Well, I don't have to like it, but fair IS fair. Well, I don't have to like it, but fair IS fair. Loo-eese. Loo-eese.

I kinda felt like singing but instead I talked in beats, like my words had rhythm and I was some beatnik poet. "I'm thinkin' 'bout a perm name change to CC. I'm trying to take my own ident.i.ty and give that movie star back hers." Come to think of it, I will only call Java by his real name--Wallace--from now on, to downgrade his s.e.x appeal to me.

"College?" Iris said.

"Pa.s.s, yes, I will pa.s.s," I said, but my J-inspired attempt at rap came out sounding more like Pssst, Yoda, pssst. Pssst, Yoda, pssst.

"CC, I'm thinking you and Shrimp are going to have a fresh start, move past all that nonsense Shrimp and Wallace told me about involving your parents. Your folks just need to relax. You're a grown woman now, independent."

EXACTLY.

I remembered how Nancy had told me, at the time of my Little Meltdown Incident, how Shrimp had come by the house after I left for New York and apologized to Nancy for us being "young and stupid" before the events leading up to Alcatraz. I wasn't sure if that was a sign of his intention for us to get back together once I returned home or just an unfortunate case of sucking up, but suddenly I had to know, right away.

No amount of weed can mellow out the basic hypergrrl in me.

67.I got up from the hammock. "Laters, Iris," I said. "I need to talk to your son. Thanks for the Humboldt Special."

"You're welcome, CC," Iris said. 'And just for the record, I I have no problem if you ever want to spend the night, so come back soon. I hear you like to bake, and we've got plenty left over for Billy's favorite brownie recipe." have no problem if you ever want to spend the night, so come back soon. I hear you like to bake, and we've got plenty left over for Billy's favorite brownie recipe."

Honestly, Iris, join AA or something.

I walked over to where Shrimp, Helen, Arran, and Autumn were standing. They were clinking plastic cups filled with beer and saying, "Kampei!" "Kampei!"

Helen said, "Hey, CC, have you met Autumn and Arran? He spells it funny--A-R-R-A-N--but feel free to just call him Aryan. He's quite the fascist pig."

I ignored Autumn and said to Arran, "My brother's boyfriend is also Aaron, but he spells his the double-A way. Shrimp said you're a long boarder. What's that about?"

Arran said, "Yeah, Shrimp thinks short boards are better and long boarders suck cuz so many short boarders think that even though short boarding wouldn't be around without long boarding and h.e.l.lo, The Endless Summer, The Endless Summer, best movie in the world!" best movie in the world!"

Long boarding versus short boarding: Who the h.e.l.l cares? I inspected Autumn while Aryan rambled on. Autumn was even prettier up close; had to hate that. She looked like one of those mixed-race girls for whom every best piece of DNA from a dozen different nationalities had blended together to create Dreadlocked Girl with Unaffected Supermodel Potential. Like, you could see her in some magazine perfume ad wearing your basic New York little black dress with bare feet, walking along a wet brick street of loft buildings and industrial office s.p.a.ces in 68.Lower Manhattan, no makeup on, just clear lip gloss to frame those perfect full lips and fake eyelashes to make her Asian eyes even more s.e.xy, with a posse of hot motorcycle dudes trailing after her and a caption at the bottom of the mag page reading: minimal, available in fine stores everywhere.

The need to indulge in some munchies and settle things once and for all with Shrimp beckoned, along with the nearing-eleven-o'clock Cinderella hour. I said to Shrimp, "Do you and Wallace still keep Hot Pockets in the freezer, cuz I could really go for one right now."

Shrimp leaned in close to me, his mouth grazing my ear, sending my heart racing. He whispered, "Don't tell Iris cuz she'll freak, but Java and I are back on meat. We've got some 7-Eleven burritos in the freezer behind the Absolut bottles. Can I tempt you?"

SHAH!.

His hand took mine and I latched on tight, smirked at Autumn, and said g'bye to Aryan and Helen.

I followed Shrimp down the narrow stairwell back into the house, not letting go of his hand. We arrived at the fridge and I stood against it, and just like that his body pressed against mine, and the kiss, the We're Officially Back On kiss, was close to happening, when Wallace came through the door.

"Hey, kids," he chirped. He was wearing Delia's rhinestone tiara on his head. My gaze at him was so so quick and sweet and innocent, but enough for Shrimp to step back from me. Wallace stepped between us, reaching into the freezer to pull out a frozen Absolut bottle. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Wallace teased. I was not thinking quick and sweet and innocent, but enough for Shrimp to step back from me. Wallace stepped between us, reaching into the freezer to pull out a frozen Absolut bottle. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Wallace teased. I was not thinking 69.about how grabilicious Java's, I mean Wallace's, wet suit-covered b.u.t.t looked as he walked away--really.

Once Wallace was gone I pulled Shrimp back toward me. The new and improved Jumbo Shrimp had all this--how you say?--; girth girth that I was dying to savor, but Shrimp leaned back from me. He said, "I think we should just be friends." that I was dying to savor, but Shrimp leaned back from me. He said, "I think we should just be friends."

Desperation Girl forgot all about the play-hard-to-get memo, and she moved in for that kiss anyway, full-throttle tongue, one hand ma.s.saging the back of his neck, the other straying to the center of his body. His mouth tasted like the old Shrimp, like espresso and Pop Tarts, for the few seconds he let me taste him before pulling back.

"I don't know that I'm ready for the craziness again," he mumbled.

The need to grind against him, through him, with him, taste more of his kisses, threatened to overwhelm me. "But the artwork!" I panted. You don't send a girl drawings from below the equator, pictures ill.u.s.trating your extreme longing for her, unless you want her, bad.

"I didn't say I didn't want to not get back together," he said. Huh? I hate double--make that triple--negatives.

"Good, because I didn't say that either." Whatever I didn't say at this particular juncture, a little baked and a lot confused, I was just trying to get inside his pants. Big difference.

"Then we're agreed. Let's just be friends for now. I've got enough to deal with having my parents back in the house and all this schoolwork I have to make up, and Java is thinking of opening a store in the East Bay, which means I'll be working a lot of hours, and there's the surfing and time for my art and..."

70.No need to beat this subject to death. "I got it," I snapped.

"Don't be like that," Shrimp said. "There's just too much weirdness right now. Can't you feel it?"

I knew he was right, but part of me couldn't help but feel scorned, too. I mean, aren't guys supposed to be all about grabbing whatever piece of booty becomes available to them, no matter the consequences?

Shrimp opened the freezer and pulled out the 7-Eleven burrito for me, like it was a peace offering, but I said, "No, thank you." I called Fernando to come pick me up early. I knew Fernando would take me to Krispy Kreme and be silent and brooding and not ask why my eyes were bloodshot--because I was stoned or because I was heartbroken?

71.***

Chapter 9

The irony of my senior year being all about Shrimp is that the guy I can't seem to get away from is Alexei the Horrible. Guess who was in the car when Fernando came to pick me up? my senior year being all about Shrimp is that the guy I can't seem to get away from is Alexei the Horrible. Guess who was in the car when Fernando came to pick me up?

"Hiya, Princess," Alexei said when I hopped into the backseat of the Mercedes sedan. Just the sight of him was enough to ruin my Humboldt buzz. "I guess you forgot all about how to use MUNI, our city's beloved public transportation system." The sedan smelled like the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror mixed with sweat and Alexei's atrocious CK cologne.

"Not really," Fernando said. "I insisted. You seen how many H addicts and crackheads live in this neighborhood? She's not taking MUNI home from Ocean Beach at night on my watch. Loco" Loco" Since Fernando had stood up for me, I didn't point out that Ocean Beach can look depressing but it's also the home of "Just Friends" Shrimp, whose sole presence could brighten any neighborhood's fundamental depressing vibe. But much as I love to think of Ocean Beach as Cyd Charisse-Shrimp paradise, Fernando did have a point. Land 0' Beach Bunnies and chirpy-sunny-happy people Ocean Beach is not, what with being overrun by fog and cold and, yeah, seedy hourly motels, grimy bars, and a small but thriving population of hard-core druggies to go along with its glorious Pacific Ocean surf. Since Fernando had stood up for me, I didn't point out that Ocean Beach can look depressing but it's also the home of "Just Friends" Shrimp, whose sole presence could brighten any neighborhood's fundamental depressing vibe. But much as I love to think of Ocean Beach as Cyd Charisse-Shrimp paradise, Fernando did have a point. Land 0' Beach Bunnies and chirpy-sunny-happy people Ocean Beach is not, what with being overrun by fog and cold and, yeah, seedy hourly motels, grimy bars, and a small but thriving population of hard-core druggies to go along with its glorious Pacific Ocean surf.

''Alexei," I said, "would it be possible for you to get 72.your own life going and stop worrying about mine? Why are you in the car, anyway?" I reached into my Sailor Moon backpack for my audio player. The Dead Kennedys couldn't drown out Alexei quickly enough.

Pray for me to make it through a whole semester working with Alexei. My first day on work-study I couldn't even tell him it is actually possible that a punk-Goth chick can be personable and even, dare I say, beloved, to customers, or that I can help with fixing the espresso machine when it's clogged, before he snapped at me, "I am not going to spend my semester off baby-sitting the Little h.e.l.lion. I don't know what Sid was thinking, placing you in this environment. I can't imagine you have any useful skills." And I just tore into him. Did he know I was Employee of the Month two consecutive months when I had worked at Java the Hut? Did Alexei know how many customers asked for me personally at Java the Hut and The Village Idiots? Was it not a fact fact that I repeatedly worked double shifts, unasked, at both establishments when flaky employees didn't show up because they thought they were too good for minimum wage? Ask me how full the tip jar was when I was on duty--just ask me, Alexei. Then Sid-dad had popped his bald head into the restaurant, along with a group of fellow investors, right as I was about to explain to Alexei the difference between understanding what makes a that I repeatedly worked double shifts, unasked, at both establishments when flaky employees didn't show up because they thought they were too good for minimum wage? Ask me how full the tip jar was when I was on duty--just ask me, Alexei. Then Sid-dad had popped his bald head into the restaurant, along with a group of fellow investors, right as I was about to explain to Alexei the difference between understanding what makes a job job and what makes a and what makes a career-. career-. something called a something called a work ethic. work ethic. "Everything going okay in here?" Sid-dad asked. He looked so happy to see us, especially against the expressionless army of white men flanking him. "Great!" Alexei and I both said. "Everything going okay in here?" Sid-dad asked. He looked so happy to see us, especially against the expressionless army of white men flanking him. "Great!" Alexei and I both said.

Alexei turned around to face me from the front seat of the car. His face was flushed deep red but in that healthy 73.way, the color of his cheeks made sharper by the red bandana on his head, tied at the top of his forehead like some Estonian version of Tupac. I felt an involuntary jerk reaction pa.s.s through my body, like this brief sizzle. sizzle. Eek, Alexei is not entirely bad-looking, if you go for that type of chiseled face and wrestler bod and overachiever mentality. Which I don't. Eek, Alexei is not entirely bad-looking, if you go for that type of chiseled face and wrestler bod and overachiever mentality. Which I don't.

"No need for you to go all Chern.o.byl on me, Princess. Fernando and I were lifting at the gym when you called to be picked up early. Hey, Fernando, did you know Daddy's beloved Little h.e.l.lion has busboys at the restaurant dropping trays of food on customers? She's only been on the job two days and already she's helped the restaurant lose its first celebrity customer. Well done, Princess."

"Hey, Fernando," I pitched in, as I placed the headphones over my ears. "Did you know that it was only one busboy and that I can't be held responsible if said busboy is paying more attention to me picking up a menu from the floor than to the fact that he is clearing the table of the Forty-niners' new first-round draft pick?"

"No, that's not how it... ," Alexei started, but I jumped right back in, headphones off. Now I was mad, nearing Chern.o.byl-meltdown mad.

"Hey, Fernando, did you know further that College Boy has you and Dad believing he's taken the semester off from college to get this great experience a.s.sistant managing a hot start-up restaurant allegedly cuz it will look good on his MBA applications one day, but really he's at the restaurant BECAUSE OF A GIRL? Go on, Alexei, tell Fernando all about Kari."

KAR-ee, not Carrie, 'scuse me, is the general manager at the sw.a.n.k new restaurant where Sid-dad sucker-punched not Carrie, 'scuse me, is the general manager at the sw.a.n.k new restaurant where Sid-dad sucker-punched 74.me into working as a hostess two afternoons a week for work-study. The one and only thing Alexei and I have in common is that we both think and act at the direction of the wrong part of our anatomy, and I know know he has it bad for Kari, and I he has it bad for Kari, and I know know gettin' wit' her is the reason for the semester off. Sad, really. See, our young Alexei met Kari at a bar in The Marina over the summer. They got to talking. She was interviewing for the Big Job at this new restaurant. Alexei has some weird older chick fetish and he was trying to get into her skirt. Turns out they both also knew a guy a.k.a. Sid-dad, who would (a) definitely give ear time to Alexei's offhand recommendation that Kari get the general manager job, and (b) would love to bend the rules a little and have Alexei work there for only a semester, to get the experience that will one day help get him into Harvard Business School. gettin' wit' her is the reason for the semester off. Sad, really. See, our young Alexei met Kari at a bar in The Marina over the summer. They got to talking. She was interviewing for the Big Job at this new restaurant. Alexei has some weird older chick fetish and he was trying to get into her skirt. Turns out they both also knew a guy a.k.a. Sid-dad, who would (a) definitely give ear time to Alexei's offhand recommendation that Kari get the general manager job, and (b) would love to bend the rules a little and have Alexei work there for only a semester, to get the experience that will one day help get him into Harvard Business School.

How did I retrieve this 411? Well, let's just say there are advantages to having a posse of busboys panting over you, especially ones who like to gossip about their hated boss, Lord Empress Kari.

"That's not true!" Alexei protested from the front seat. His ma.s.sive shoulders hunched a little. "Kari has opened and managed three top-rated restaurants in the Bay Area and Napa. She's even been profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Wall Street Journal. Working with someone of her skill and experience is an unbelievable opportunity, worth taking a semester off. Great for the resume, and great for the bank account. Not all of us have trust funds to put us through college, Princess." Working with someone of her skill and experience is an unbelievable opportunity, worth taking a semester off. Great for the resume, and great for the bank account. Not all of us have trust funds to put us through college, Princess."

KAR-ee, who is about my mother's age, is Super Career Gal--she wears horrid lack-of-length power suits with f.u.c.k-me 75.heel shoes, and she has raven hair shaped into one of those blunt bob cuts with razor-sharp bangs and the rest falling just below her ears, with big baby blue eyes and cute (for an old person) pursed lips. The interesting thing about Kari's otherwise boring face is that she has a lazy eye on her left side and I have to practice staring at her b.u.t.ton nose when she talks instead of looking her in the eyes so I don't get busted staring at that nonmoving baby blue.

And, Kari is anything but lazy. She races around the restaurant with a mouthpiece headphone jutting from her ears down to her lips, barking out orders to the kitchen and reception area with this four star general's tone, as if getting tables 12 and 14 put together and set up for a party of thirteen, STAT, is the battle plan that will ensure Allied victory. In my short time working at the restaurant, I've had to master the art of not staring at her lazy eye and also not falling on the floor in hysterics every time she yells into that headphone mouthpiece (that quite frankly is somewhat phallic and obscene against her Kewpie doll mouth-- hence why I'm sure Alexei is enlisted as her lovestruck minion).

Proving I was right about Alexei's intentions with Lord Empress Kari, Alexei had turned back around to face the front of the car so I couldn't see his eyes. Even though Alexei is a Horrible, he also has the most honest face ever; you can always tell if he's lying. When I was in elementary school and Alexei would be in the car when Fernando picked me up, I would ask Alexei if he had an extra Capri Sun punch to share with me and he would snap "NO," but then his face would turn red and his eyes would go all simpering puppylike from his lie, then miraculously he would find an 76.extra juice from his backpack and throw it at me. I almost feel sorry for Alexei now because Kari treats him more like a secretary than an a.s.sistant manager. From behind my stacks of menus I've already witnessed her sending him to pick up her ugly power suits from the dry cleaner and bristling at him to confirm her hair appointment already.

"Dios mio, ENOUGH!" Fernando exclaimed. Fernando slammed the car brakes hard on Great Highway. We'd reached a red light, true, but the hard slam was definitely intended to jolt us in our seats. Fernando did that Jesus-Hail Mary thing he always does, you know, that the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost crossing-your-hands-over-your-chest business. "Remind me never to have the both of you in the car at the same time again." Alexei and I shut up at Fernando's brake slam and allowed Fernando to listen to the salsa radio station in peace for the rest of the drive down to Daly City. ENOUGH!" Fernando exclaimed. Fernando slammed the car brakes hard on Great Highway. We'd reached a red light, true, but the hard slam was definitely intended to jolt us in our seats. Fernando did that Jesus-Hail Mary thing he always does, you know, that the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost crossing-your-hands-over-your-chest business. "Remind me never to have the both of you in the car at the same time again." Alexei and I shut up at Fernando's brake slam and allowed Fernando to listen to the salsa radio station in peace for the rest of the drive down to Daly City.

I want to ask Sid-dad could I just bail on this job and go back to work at Java the Hut, because even working with Mr. "Just Friends" Shrimp and the Autumn wench would be better than a sw.a.n.kster-hip restaurant for Financial District phoneys, but I feel like I have let Sid-dad down a lot in the past, and this time I am going to see this one through. Also there is the remote possibility that despite the new calm in our home, asking to go back to work at Java the Hut, where all the crazy business leading to Alcatraz started, would be like asking to unleash the gates to h.e.l.l.

Fernando's cell phone rang just as we pulled into the parking lot at the Krispy Kreme store in Daly City, the 'burb just below San Fran with all the little houses on the hill that look like Monopoly houses. Fernando said, "I need to take 77.this call. Why don't you two get in line? You know what I want, right?"

I hopped out of the car and said to Fernando through the driver's window, "You want a dozen dulce de leche donuts for you to supposedly share with your grandchildren, but really I know you'll eat half on your own, good man, and if they're out of dulce de leche you want straight-up original glazed."

"You got it," Fernando said with a laugh. He started speaking into his cell phone in Spanish.

While we waited in line Alexei said, "There's a Jamba Juice where I can get a Powerboost near here, right?"

"I bet it's closed," I said. 'Anyways, live a little, why don't you?"

"I guess one custard doughnut won't kill me. But really, I prefer Dunkin' Donuts back East."

I've had a recent spiritual conversion from Dunkin' Donuts to Krispy Kreme since Luis in Nueva York told me that Dunkin' Donuts are frozen and then microwaved, while Krispy Kremes are baked fresh every day. I'm not sure if that's just urban legend, but I don't think Luis would lie about something important like that, and I am not willing to take the risk.

"Custard!" I said to Alexei. "Those doughnuts suck. They are the ultimate fake out on the doughnut goodness scale. You're at Krispy KREME. If you're gonna splurge on calories, at least get a cream-filled chocolate glaze."

The best doughnut I ever had was at a family-run diner at a truck stop on 1-5 one summer when I was little, before Josh and Ash were born, when Sid-dad tried to take Nancy and me camping at Yosemite and we did not last one hour 78.in those sleeping bags before begging Sid-dad to take us to a motel. That truck-stop doughnut, a simple glazed cinnamon twist, was perfection: homemade, hot, moist, melt-in-your-mouth good, a true wonder I don't expect ever to experience again in my lifetime, so I don't know why I was defending any Krispy Kreme flavor so hard to Alexei. But there were loads of people waiting in line ahead of us at the Krispy Kreme store on this Sat.u.r.day night, which had to be some testimony in support of the inst.i.tution.

Alexei sighed. "Do you always have to bust a guy's chops? Can't you just relax a little? I think you owe me a small debt of grat.i.tude for a certain pub incident not too long ago, so I'd like to cash in. Please, just shut up."

I protested, "But I cannot pay that debt back by letting you consume bad doughnuts. That would just make me a schmuck."

Fernando joined us in the line. He said, "How about a truce between the two of you be the settlement of whatever this score is already."

Alexei and I both protested. "But..."