Shards - Book 1 Part 6

"Finally, this," he put a firm hand on my small shoulder, "is not 'this' body. It is your body. There has been no other soul or mind in it before you, nor does anyone have claim over it. Once I completed the cognitive reconstruction and moved your soul into its new home, this physical sh.e.l.l became you. There is a long period of adjustment-even longer for you I don't doubt-but this is you. Understand?"

Taken aback by his insistence, I could only nod slightly. Despite the force of his words-or maybe because of them-I was rea.s.sured and settled down. He squeezed my shoulder and gave a small grin, then continued with the examination.

"Picking up where we left off. This physical is needless from a medical point of view, although we will count this as your checkup date and set a routine for regular examinations, as with all personnel. Since you're in the midst of p.u.b.erty, I'll schedule some additional consultations. Today's checkup is more for you than for your body.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

He told me what he meant. Being female now meant a different approach to taking care of myself. We talked at length, Susie helping with her own examples and insights. It was embarra.s.sing, but necessary. And his manner with patients was very comforting. He made me feel like a person talking about my body, not a like girl talking about my body.

After we finished both the talk and the examination, I slid off the table and began dressing. That made the third time I dressed today, and it was only about noon. I felt like a striptease artist. Dr. Barrett went back to his desk and began banging away on his keyboard. I pulled on my blouse, a sleeveless white top made out of a kind of formfitting cotton, and looked at his fingers flying over the smooth surface.

"That's the only keyboard I've seen here, Doc," I ventured.

"Yes. One of my idiosyncrasies. Nearly every terminal has a keyboard interface, but everyone else uses standard puterverse access. Not me. It makes the data feel a little more personal and real done this way. I also have an aversion to being left defenseless." While I wondered at that cryptic remark, he continued banging away. "While I'm finishing this, perhaps you could explain your stunt in the mess this morning."

I tucked in my top and said quietly, "What do you want me to explain?"

He shrugged. "This morning was the first time we've ever seen a Cue do something like that so soon out of Healer's Sleep. You gave every impression of being used to yourself and your new condition." He looked up from his bushy, graying eyebrows. "At least, to everyone else you did. To me, you looked like someone forcing him self too hard." He emphasized the "him".

It was my turn to shrug. "You're right, Doc. That's the way it was, pretty much. I was feeling very weird, and having a hard time adjusting. When that happens, I've always been one to act. After we left, I almost threw up in our quarters."

"I shouldn't wonder. You looked like you were going to right there on the table. But I must say, you won over the troops faster than anyone ever has before. Just try to keep your perspective from now on. You're not an adult any more, nor male, and pushing yourself like that will get you sick."

"I know. Susie drove that point home a little while ago. I feel much more comfortable now, though I wanted to kill her at the time." I reached over and took Susie's hand, smiling. She smiled back and squeezed it. Dr. Barrett watched us and nodded approvingly. He went back to his keyboard.

"I can imagine the whole scene. That's the worst moment for a Cue counselor. Driving reality home, then patching up the wreckage. I've done it more times than I can count, and as bad as it with boys, it's twice that for girls. I've never liked it, but it is by far the best way. For all intents, the only way. Brutal revelation seems to be the best tool to jolt a person from the there and then to the here and now. Normally, the sooner the better. Well, I'm glad you've been through it already. It helps the healing, both physical and mental."

"So, is she going to live, Doctor?" Susan asked with mock seriousness. Again, I felt a quick flash of dismay and had to shake it off. I must be thin-skinned or have easily damaged confidence to even begin to worry. I'd have to try to keep my anxiety under control. I had a feeling it could turn into panic very easily.

Dr. Barrett finished his entry with a flourish, then leaned back in his chair. He addressed me to answer Susie's question.

"You're in fine shape! You are well within the norms of a young woman entering the middle stages of p.u.b.erty. Perhaps a bit underweight. And your muscles need toning. But that will all take care of itself with time and Corporal Lendler's guidance. She's a borderline obsessive when it comes to fitness.

Probably frustration from being locked up in that cave they call a research facility."

"Doctor Barrett!" Susie protested.

He ignored her. "If you survive her attentions in the gym, you should survive anything. And if you have any questions concerning your body's changes, please, see me at your convenience. Your health and comfort take precedence over all my other duties except emergencies. You're also welcome to just come by and talk." He leaned forward and entered a few more items. "In the meantime, I'm declaring you fit for duty. And since I'm also duty officer, I'll place you right away."

He looked over a holographic screen that projected itself above the keyboard, but I couldn't make out any details. It was either a limitation of the projection system or, more likely, an extension of his privacy screening. I hoped he was looking for duty in the research wing, with Susan. Not for her company, though it would be a bonus, but so I could get my hands on a terminal and begin catching up. He apparently found what he was looking for.

"Ah, good! I see there's an opening in the laundry detail. Yes, that will do perfectly. Report to Private William Jackson in the Laundry, at 0400, the day after tomorrow."

"Laundry? And four o'clock!" I didn't hide my disappointment and groaned, more out of old habit of pulling bad detail than for any other reason. I wouldn't have minded a few nights' sleep. A few nights' real sleep, for a change.

"Yep. Four AM. And laundry. What did you expect? Vehicle repair? You haven't the strength or stamina. Nor the training. Or maybe one of the cushy jobs in research? Admittedly, it doesn't take much strength to sleep all day..." he paused, probably to listen to the steam come out of Susie's ears. "But in the rare times when they actually take a stab at doing work, again, you don't have the training. Besides, the accessing would wear you down too quickly." Another odd comment. "So it's the laundry. Must have those uniforms clean and ready to go. Shouldn't be too hard, though. The techniques for cleaning have improved over the centuries, but we still use ordinary water to conserve energy. There is some heavy lifting, but you could stand a little work. And Jackson will probably keep your shifts short for the first day or two." He stood up. "So! I officially welcome you, whatever-your-name-is-going-to-be. I'm looking forward to your naming tomorrow. I'll see you at the Lieutenant's table. For the next few months at least, welcome to the Third!" I half expected-and half wanted-him to call me a dog, but he didn't.

We left his office and headed toward the mess. This completed our circle tour except for the research center. I reflected on the doctor's comments about using a computer. What did he call it? The puterverse? It seemed a trifle odd.

There were a number of things that were striking me as odd. One could point out that being brought forward 600 years, changing s.e.x, getting younger, all after having been an unknown number of whatevers were all odd. And one would be right; they were very odd. But some other things were beginning to nag at me, not the least of which was how relatively easily I was grasping the technology of the era.

Lt. Sanchez had been correct: my past employers hadn't hired me for my looks. NATech's standards were nothing of the kind; they looked only for exceptions. Even the rookies at NATech could hold intelligent debate with Albert Einstein or Carl Woldheim, two of our early and more well known people. And I had worked there for over eight years. So I had a significant edge in experience and ability when extrapolating known facts and adapting with the unknown needed to be done. Even still, I should have been completely out of touch with a society six centuries removed from my own. And not just from a technical standpoint. I was amazed at how little language had changed. There were other feelings, too. Definitely not ideas, and certainly not suspicions. But faint, vague stirrings, and a small yet growing conviction that things were not as they should have been.

"So, how about some lunch?" Susie broke my thought. We had reached the end of the corridor and were standing at the top of the ramp leading down to the mess. My first thought was that I'd been so full from breakfast that I wouldn't need to eat for three days. Right on the heels of that thought was the growling of my stomach, telling me I was hungry. I nodded vigorously, and we walked down the ramp, hand in hand.

The mess was comfortably full, much less so than this morning, telling me that the unit did indeed eat in shifts. The line was short, only six people, but they let us go first again. I set my tray down on the counter.

"Uh, Susie? Maybe you better help me out this time." She laughed.

"You learn quickly! Sure. But you eat everything I give you, okay?" It sounded like a setup, but figuring she couldn't do worse to me than I would, I nodded. We went down the line, but instead of filling the tray, she gave me almost nothing. She must have thought I was still full from breakfast. We picked up our milk and coffee, smiled at Hill, the cook, and seated ourselves. Like this morning, we were left our own table.

Lunch went much better than breakfast. Susie had picked out enough for me. I finished up lunch just as I was getting full. We sat and chatted over a cup of coffee. I took a sip of the hot, black fluid. It tasted like battery acid. I almost choked on it. I shook my head and tried another swig. This time I did choke on it. Susie grabbed my wrist gently and helped me lower the cup while I coughed and grimaced.

"Slow down! Your taste buds are new, too. That poison's bad enough with milk and sugar, let alone straight like that. Here." She poured copious amounts of both into my swill, until it was br.i.m.m.i.n.g.

"Aaa! You've polluted it! I've been drinking it black since I was in college!" I whined.

"Oh, yeah? When was that?" she countered.

"You mean I have to retrain my taste buds, too?" I looked with sadness into the depths of my ruined nectar.

"Uh-huh. Maybe not even then. People have different tastes, you know."

I moved my cup away from me and thumped my head on the table. "Oh. Getting turned into a shrimp, having to wear all this ... stuff, and pulling laundry duty all in one day is bad enough. But NOW! No more coffee!" I tried another sip, but it was just too sickening. I pushed it away, saying farewell to a fond friend. I looked at Susie.

"I suppose I'm going to hate beer, too?" I lamented.

"Beer? Probably. But it doesn't matter. You not old enough to drink alcohol."

Since my head was already on the table, it seemed like a good idea to bang it a couple more times, so I did. I hadn't thought of that. Of course I couldn't drink. Or vote, if they still voted. I had no idea what it was, but I was undoubtedly well under legal age, too. When I got out on my own in a few months...

A chilling thought touched me. I wanted to think about it for awhile and work it out, but on the surface, it was frightening. It seemed highly improbable that they were going to turn a child, which is what I now was, into a foreign and potentially hostile society. Yet they had told me they released Cues after-what?two to four months. I filed that information under the growing folder marked "ODD", and put a priority on it.

Susan got up and went to the beverage table, returning with a steaming mug which she set down beside me.

"Here," she said as she seated herself. "Hot chocolate. More to your taste, I rather think. Maybe later you can try some herbal tea." I sipped it and it was much tastier. Sweeter, but nicely so. Not coffee, but hot. It had a calming effect.

We lingered a while longer. Susie seemed hesitant to leave. I wondered why, but decided to use the time to get some information.

"What's after lunch, Susie? The debriefing?"

I guessed the source of her discomfort on the first try. She nodded, a little nervously. "Uh-huh. In about an hour. I've been wanting to bring it up, but kept putting it off. I can't any longer. This interview, we call it the Initial Historical and Acclimation Debriefing, or IHAD, can be a little grueling, even hostile. We-"

"Why on earth would it be hostile? It's not like I'm on trial or anything."

"Well, yes and no." She looked around, then stood up. "Come on, let's head to our room. I'll fill you in there. You can bring your hot chocolate."

We cleaned up our places and walked the short distance to our quarters. Once inside, Susie instructed the door we were not to be disturbed. We only had one chair, so I sat on my bed, Susie in the chair. I sipped the hot chocolate, but it was nowhere near as burning as the curiosity I felt. Curiosity and worry.

"Okay, let's hear it. I am on trial? How could I be?"

"Of course you're not on trial! Unless you're a plant." My eyes widened some as she continued. "The powers that be have been after us for over a hundred and fifty years now, but have never fully disabled us. Because of our recruitment methods and security checks on even possible recruits, they've been unable to penetrate us too deeply with spies. Until recently, when they found another way to get at us.

"About five years ago, one of our regiments, the Fourth, rescued a ripe. They did the normal checking and IHAD, but it was pretty routine. Remember, we find out everything we can about you before we even begin plans to rescue you. So the IHAD went off without difficulty, and he was integrated into the Fourth for orientation and acclimation before being a.s.signed to a family on the outside." That answered somewhat my concern about what awaited me once I left here. A moment's thought would have given me that answer. I was just too quick coming to conclusions, a fault of mine I had outgrown but now, being un-grown again, had reacquired. I would need to watch myself about that. Susan continued.

"Then, about three months into the Cue's acclimation, the Fourth was. .h.i.t by Xeno shock troops and was nearly obliterated. The few not killed were captured and alpha suppressed. No one escaped. At first. But on the way to the camps, our unit and the Eighty-seventh hit the column and got back our people. What they told us forced us to change the way we did the IHAD, and is why you're going to have an unpleasant experience this afternoon."

I didn't like the way she said that. Sitting there, she worked her hands, almost wringing them. She obviously didn't like what was coming, but she would do it. I think I knew what it was. I decided to relieve her of the burden of telling me.

"I think I can guess why," I said quietly. "The government, or more probably those in charge of the physiomanufacturing complex, suckered you. Since you can reconstruct a ripe's past, they probably can, too. So they find a likely candidate, re-ripe him with his own memories, then ripe him again back to what he had just been. But those memories aren't entirely original, are they? They were modified to include false memories, or embedded instructions, or some such, so that when the original was restored, the ripe would be the perfect inside agent. Probably without his knowing it."

"How did you know that?" Susan said softly.

I shook my head. "I didn't, Susie. I suppose I should be up front about this. Before I tell anything more, though, answer just one question." I felt my heart thudding heavily in my chest, already knowing the answer, "This IHAD. It's going to be held against my will, isn't it?"

She looked at me carefully, then cast her gaze downward and nodded.

"I-I-I'm sorry, but yes. It has to be. Even if you want to cooperate fully, it has to be. You're right. Of the forty-eight cases the Resistance has uncovered so far, not a single Cue was aware of their programming or behavior modifications. It gets worse. The actual persona is destroyed during the process, so we can't even determine that there was a copy made. It's only through the IHAD that we can get deep enough into your psyche to know that it's your original persona." She went on, anger in her voice, "I hate it! We do everything we can to bring you back, then subject you to this. You're not even given time to get used to us, or yourself, or anything. We wake you up, then ... then ... attack you!" She choked off a sob.

I put down the mug and held her hands. "Susie, please don't cry." I felt tears welling up unbidden, but forced them back. "I don't blame you. How could I? If it weren't for you and the Third, I'd still be whatever I was before. Or worse. It's because of you that I have my life back. It's new, and different, and scary, but it's mine . An invasive interrogation that insures your safety is a small price to pay for everything you've done for me." She wiped a tear and smiled.

"I'm not exactly building up your confidence, am I, kid? I was supposed to be the one giving you support, not the other way around." She took a breath to steady herself. "So, tell me. How did you know? About the infiltration methods and everything? None of the plants had any idea they were subverted, so it's not that."

"No. As you and Doctor Barrett told me, I'm one of the oldest ripes you've uncovered. I'm willing to bet I was the first ripe, ever." Then, going into moderate detail, I filled her in on my past life and my position at NATech, though I didn't mention them specifically. The story, even abridged, was apparently pretty good. Susie forgot all about my upcoming IHAD and sat there, fascinated. I must admit to feeling childishly proud of myself and was tempted to really wow her, but managed to hold my tongue. At the end, she shook her head, trying to absorb-and believe-what I'd told her.

"That's incredible! So you're saying that much of what we use today was actually envisioned by your people over six centuries ago?"

"I wouldn't go that far. I haven't seen a great deal of this world yet. And some of what I've deduced is just that: deduction. But yes, there are elements here that we were working on at the time of my first riping. If that's what it was," I concluded.

"What do you mean, 'If that's what it was.'? It was a riping."

"Maybe that's what it ended up being. But I'm sure that's not how it started out. I'm certain that the goal was to revive me, or at least my memories, by moving them to an undamaged portion of my brain. I was completing work on..." I hesitated, then skirted, "an important project when I the accident occurred. I hadn't yet transferred my conclusions, procedures and projections into the main systems."

"And that project was that important? That they'd risk untested technology to get that information. That's ghoulish!"

"Hey, not too hard, Susie. I was probably dead or dying. There was no risk. And the technology wasn't untested, it was nonexistent. I imagine they came up with the hypothetical solution and implemented it within several days, though I don't know. In any event, they were successful in keeping me alive. But I don't have any memories beyond what I've told you. It's as though I stepped up to the elevator and woke up in the recovery room."

She shuddered. "How can you talk about dying and being experimented on and be so calm?" Without seeming to, she paid very close attention to my response.

"I don't know. It somehow seems so ... removed. I know it happened to me back then. I think I may have been inadvertently electrocuted by the entry defense systems. Whatever, it's as though my head knows it was me, but I know it's not me." I hugged myself. "For better or worse, this is me now." I looked at her. "Does that sound right?"

Her eyes sparkled with delight. "That's exactly how it's supposed to feel! I knew you'd make it. I didn't have any proof, but I was somehow certain you'd begin to make the transition!" She seemed vastly relieved. I felt it, too.

We pa.s.sed the next twenty minutes with idle talk. Susie seemed to have pa.s.sed a barrier and didn't seem as concerned about the IHAD, which in turn put me at ease. I still wasn't sure why she'd been so tense earlier, but I had a hunch that if I turned out to be a plant, she'd be the one to deal with me. I spent no time thinking about how they'd deal with me if I were a plant. Pretty abruptly, I suppose. These people didn't seem like fanatics, but they risked their lives and lived like outlaws in a cave, all for the chance to restore a person who didn't know they needed restoring. They would be willing to take extreme measures to continue their work.

We were in the midst of planning our evening gym workout after dinner, when a knock came at the door. I jumped a bit; the heavy thoom! of an energy door was worlds different from a wooden one. Susie got up and let them in.

I was expecting mad scientists with long robes and covered faces. They would be tall, skinny, and devoid of human compa.s.sion. One would have a huge needle, dripping some sort of mind-altering drug. I'd scream, then faint, then come to just as they jabbed the needle into my arm, making sure the barbs grabbed on firmly. At least, that's how my overactive imagination envisioned it.

There were two of them. One was a young man, of average build, maybe twenty. He had a pleasant face and cheerful greeting. The other was a middle-aged woman. She came right up to me and pulled me from my bed, a big smile on her face.

"h.e.l.lo! I haven't had a chance to meet you yet! I'm Corporal Geher, but please, call me Betty. I'm going to be your interviewer. Nervous?" I nodded. "Good! You wouldn't be normal if you weren't at least a little frightened. Let me tell you right now, though, the interview isn't scary in the slightest."

"Uh-huh. And you've got prime real estate in Florida to sell me, too, right?" I quipped dryly.

She frowned, trying to figure out what I meant. She got the gist, though.

"Nope. It's not the interview. It's the waking up." She reached into a bag she had with her and extracted a small device, smaller than her hand. At my curious look, she handed it to me, warning me against activating it. It seemed innocent enough at first glance, which I mentioned. Betty laughed.

"I always let the Cue look at it, but only to get the feel. No offense, but its function is probably a little beyond you at this point." She laughed again.

Challenged, I looked at it carefully. There was an emission area and several indicator lights. There was also a small display, maybe two centimeters by four with measurements on both axes. In the reflection of the panel, I noticed a sine wave pattern, and its markings along the y-axis seemed to measure decibels. The power supply was buried inside the casing, but the disproportionate weight in the bottom told me its location and relative strength. Though I still didn't know their energy type, the general a.s.sumption is density equals capacity. I took these observations and coupled them with the obvious function of the device-to render me helpless-added Susan's misgivings and the group's goals, and came to a logical conclusion. I handed the device back to Corporal Geher. I'd call her Betty after the interview.

"This is a device that will render the, ah, patient, unconscious. It uses a series of pulsed electromagnetic waves concentrated on the brain's frontal lobes, the part that affects awareness. No doubt it also contains a directional subsonic wave that suppresses the subject's will and makes them open to suggestion. A kind of sonic truth serum. Very clever, undoubtedly highly effective, and probably harmless. I'll bet there're few side effects other than a headache."

Corporal Geher was the perfect audience. She looked as though I'd used the thing on her. The man's (boy's? guy's? another quirk with my new social status: proper reference for members of the now opposite s.e.x) expression was like he'd been sandbagged. Susie shook her head slowly, admiringly. She stepped up close and put an arm around my shoulder, leaning her mouth close to my ear.

"Direct hit," she whispered. I laughed.

Corporal Geher shook off her stunned stare and looked at me shrewdly. "Ummm. Yes. Well, this is going to be an interesting interview." She activated the device, and it gave a pitched whine that quickly climbed beyond hearing. She came close, but kept the thing at her side.

"All right. The inducer will take about a minute to charge. I'll be placing it close to your head. Here." She indicated a spot just behind my left temple. "When I trigger it, you'll feel an overwhelming need to fall asleep. When that happens-"

"Shouldn't I lie down?" I interrupted.

"No. You'll be lying down when you awaken, and we've discovered that the transition from standing to lying without realization helps the adjustment that you've been through the interview, and that what you're feeling isn't your fault. When you feel the pulse, try to relax. It won't make much difference whether you fight it or not. In fact, most Cues become totally unconscious immediately at pulse discharge. But like I mentioned, this is not the worst. The worst part is the awareness that you'll have when you wake up."

"The awareness that I've been completely helpless? I'm getting used to that." I noticed I was wringing my hands, giving the lie to my casual tone. I could feel myself tightening up. Susie was still holding my shoulders and sensed it.

"Hey, easy, girl. I'll be here the whole time."

"Yeah, but you won't help me, will you?"

"No, she won't," Geher said. "And that's the worst. While you're out, we will be laying your entire life open. Nothing will be left unexplored. Although you'll have no actual memory of the ordeal-and make no mistake, it is an ordeal-you will have a very clear sense of intrusion. Some say violation. I'm sorry. I wish there was another way. We hope, I hope, that it helps to be up front about this from the beginning."

I didn't say anything. The enormity of what they were going to do weighed on me, smothering me. But I steeled myself to go through with it.

"Very well, then. Shall we?" she asked. I nodded and chewed my lower lip. I was still wringing my hands. Geher raised the inducer up to my left temple, placing her left hand on my right temple and cheek. I felt Susie hold me tight in her arms as I waited for the FINAL LOCKDOWN SEQUENCE ENGAGED. ALL COMMAND PROTOCOLS HAVE BEEN DISABLED AND ACCESS RIGHTS REVOKED. THIS SYSTEM WILL SUSPEND ALL COGNITIVE OPERATIONS IN 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1....

Corporal Geher triggered the inducer, and its pitch soared up and out of hearing. The young girl, eyes staring straight ahead, lower lip in her mouth, suddenly relaxed, becoming an even smaller creature than she already was. Her eyes glazed over but remained open. Her lip slipped free from her teeth as her jaw sagged. Her hands, so active with wringing, went still and fell to her sides. Geher triggered the inducer a second time, and the girl shuddered and slumped back against Susan, who was waiting for her. Holding the slight weight, she eased the completely oblivious child to her bed.

Susan knelt beside her, lips tight with suppressed emotion. This girl had been so alive, so vibrant only moments ago. Now she lay there, little more than a dumb animal, staring sightlessly into a void. Her breathing was shallow and fluttery. She looked even younger. Susan felt a touch on the arm and looked up at Betty.

"Susie. Remember the Fourth," Betty said quietly. It was always "remember the Fourth". Inducing was so completely against everything they stood for, yet it was needed to perpetuate what they stood for.