Shards - Book 1 Part 15

Physically, Susie drove me to the limits of my small, pliable body. I think she was trying to have me grow into my body, until it was as much me as my mind was me. In that she was very successful. In time, I looked back at how I started out and laughed at how positive I was that I could never be a complete woman. I still had mixed emotions when looking at men, but it was possible now, as I looked at them, to think that I could one day get married. But that was still years of living and growing away.

Mentally, Susie again drove me to my limits. It was here that I think I surprised even myself. I still retained all my memories and reasoning skills. It was in these that I was most centered. They were most probably why I was able to make the adjustment physically, and also most probably why the IHAD affected me so deeply.

I continued to train in using the computer interface, but it was almost a waste of time. It was so much Chris Young's work that it was like traveling back in time, and using the puterverse became one of my favorite activities. I had six centuries of catching up to do, and it is impossible to know a society without knowing its history. Within a week, I was handling the interface like I had grown up with it. I think it was here that I began to be accepted as something other than a misplaced ident.i.ty. They still didn't allow me into the Research center. Susie kept telling me it was because of the intensive work that was going on as they continued research on a prospective Cue. That may have been true for the most part, but I was beginning to think that they didn't trust me fully yet. Other than a vague irritation at being put under this restriction, I understood their feelings; I would have done the same thing myself.

Even Jackson helped me out, though with him I'm sure it was completely unintentional. He made my duty hours a living h.e.l.l. The man had a genius for demeaning and insulting and abusing without stepping over that razor thin line that would result in either his court-martial at Sanchez's hands or death by mine. He didn't want to lose me, because I made his life very enjoyable. Instead of having to do all the work now, he split the time between his "paper work" and his abuse of me. He helped on occasion, when it looked like I couldn't keep up, but he tried to keep it minimal. I will say one thing in Jackson 's weak defense: I don't think it mattered one whit to him whether I was girl or boy. He never hara.s.sed me s.e.xually, and while I hated his guts, I did not have the fear of him that I could have had.

Susie guessed at some of what was happening, but kept her anger to herself at my request. I tolerated it because it kept me grounded. As John Wyeth, I'd had a very secure life. I was treated with respect and perhaps a little fear because of my status. In the military, I was called sir and my every order was obeyed because of who and what I was. Then at NATech I had risen quickly to Twenty Year Project Leader and was one of only six people who reported directly to the boss. At my word, two hundred people would drop everything they were doing and shift to a new project.

All that was gone. I commanded no respect beyond the respect given every person. My artificial status as a privileged Cue was fading, as it should, and I became less and less a Cue and more and more a young girl. Jackson kept me in my place. As I said, I tolerated and even appreciated it. Until the day he stepped way over the line.

As I had done for several weeks, I reported to the laundry at 0350. Jackson was there, as always. He started at 0200, but did little while waiting for me to show up. The laundry was dropped off by personnel, then picked up by them. (Noncoms and officers had their laundry picked up and dropped off. That's how I had mine picked up, because I was Susie's roomy.) They had perfected a process of identification that allowed clothing to be cleaned in a bunch, then sorted automatically by machine. All I had to do was pour the bundles into one of the four ma.s.sive washing machines, shift the damp, clean clothing to the dryers, then the sorter, then back into the bags. Folding was done by the individual. Because of this and the invention of such efficient identification and sorting, the laundry detail could be performed by one person, as I'd mentioned earlier.

I stepped in ten minutes early and went straight to work, ignoring Jackson who was busy with his terminal. As always, he shut off all outside access by cutting in the door sight and sound shields.

I'd worked for about an hour when he came over for his first round of daily abuse. Once it became obvious that I wasn't going to report him, he had begun testing how far he could take me. I'd figured out how to keep him on a leash; if he went too far, I simply worked slower, leaving him just that much more to do. He had a double-edged sword: if I didn't report him, he couldn't report me. I wasn't fond of doing less than I was capable of, but it was all I could come up with, short of physical confrontation, which I wanted to avoid. And I didn't have to use the tactic much. In fact, it had been a couple weeks since I'd last purposely left him work. Susie's conditioning had worked wonders with my strength, and while my frame was too small to ever be too strong, my endurance had increased to the point that I could handle my detail.

He leaned against one of the counters and watched me for several minutes. I was, as always, soaked in sweat. I undid another of the endless bundles and poured the clothing into the machine. As I shifted the contents-this bundle was from the women's quarters I remember-I wondered what he was going to do today. Sometimes it was verbal abuse, other times it was physical. He never hit me, but he'd find some imagined breach of my duties and he'd have me do sit-ups or pushups. I preferred the physical, because it left me in a more even temper and gave me a challenge to match his 'discipline'. Again, he couldn't give too much because it cut into my working time. He shifted his weight and crossed his arms.

"Pathetic. That's what you are, Wyeth. Pathetic. I don't know why they keep me in this stinking detail, but you were born for it."

"Knock it off, Jackson ."

"Why? Does the truth hurt, private second cla.s.s Wyeth?"

I'd had a rough day yesterday and really wasn't in the mood. I'd pulled a back muscle working on the bars, and it still hurt whenever I lifted my arms above my shoulders, which was all the time when on laundry duty. Maybe that's why I did what I did. Picking up a particularly rancid sock, I offered it to him. "Here, stuff this. You're not even original today. Go back and catch up on your paper work."

His eyes narrowed, and he looked like he wanted to belt me. I turned back to my work and tried to ignore him. But he wouldn't let it go.

"Smart mouth! Okay, I'll be original." He lowered his voice, which should have made it easier to ignore him but in fact made me involuntarily listen. "So tell me, Wyeth, are you over your IHAD yet?"

Although it was several weeks gone, the effects still lingered, which was causing Dr. Barrett some concern. I stiffened at the term, and Jackson spotted it. He laughed.

"Kind of a wimp, aren't you? Scared of a little interrogation?" His voice went slower, and took on a menacing tone. "You have to answer, Wyeth! This is an IHAD."

"Stop it! Stop it now!" I felt a knot in my stomach. I dropped the clothes I was loading and clutched my gut. He laughed. "This isn't fu-funny, Jackson ! Stop it!"

He suddenly stepped forward and grabbed my arms. I turned sick eyes up to his. His eyes were sick, too, but in a different way.

"Whatsa matter, princess? Life not going well? You're worthless! You let yourself be interrogated! Careful! They're out to get you, Wyeth! Answer the questions!"

THE ANSWER TO YOUR INQUIRY, CITIZEN, IS 10,394.

"Ques-questions?" I was getting woozy. Fear burned through me at his warning, and I felt the nameless dread hunt me again. NO! I didn't do this! I was not responsible! "It's not my fault!" I cried.

"Of course it's your fault! It's all your fault! Look out! Here they come!" I cried out, and he laughed again. "Say it's your fault."

GEOSATTELITE 87F IS REPORTING ANOTHER SHIFTING OF THE SAN ANDREAS FAULT . EPICENTER LOCATION BEING CALCULATED ... HOLD ... EPICENTER IS LOCAT...

With all my strength, I weakly shook my head. "No. No, it's not!"

"Yes it is! Say it is. It's always the Cue's fault. And you're a Cue. That makes it your fault! Oh, no! It's inside you now, Wyeth! Your mind belongs to them now! You should be ashamed of yourself! Answer the questions."

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, CITIZEN, IS THE ROSE, TULIP AND DANDELION...

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, CITIZEN, IS YES ... IS YES ... NO ... NONOYESNOYESNOSEYEONSEOYESNOEYYOSNESOYENOSEYONSEOSNEOSYES...

"Please stop," I whimpered. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. Please stop."

PLEASE STOP AT THE INDICATED PAD AND PROVIDE IDENTIFI...

He released me, and I fell into the pile of clothing at my feet. My back hurt. At his shouted warning, I twitched out the way. They had come to take me away! My mind wasn't mine anymore! The humiliation sprang to life and began feeding my fear. I curled up and started sobbing. A man's disgusted voice cut through my terror.

...TEAR OR POSSIBLY A RAGGED CUT AT THE AFT SHIELD PLATE WILL ALLOW FOR QUICKEST...

"I've always hated your kind. These stupid people waste time and energy bringing back trash better left as the machines they were found in. Look at you! How can somebody like you even be considered an equal? Yet they treat you like you were worth something. Worth more than me." His voice changed, and he nudged me with his foot. "Tell me it's your fault!" he ordered.

"It's my fault!" I despaired. My insides hurt, like they were bleeding.

I DON'T MIND THE BLEEDING, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY.. OHHH...

"Now apologize! Hurry, here they come again! Quick! Apologize!" "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

...BUT ACCESS CAN ONLY BE ALLOWED TO TENANTS BETWEEN 2 AM AND 6...

Make them go away! Please!"

NARROW THE PARAMETER OF YOUR SEARCH. THERE ARE CURRENTLY EIGHT HUN...

I begged, using the last of my strength. This huge figure standing over me chuckled. Cold poured PRESS ... COOL ... RESET ... POUR ... PRESS ... COOL ... RESET ... POUR ... PRESS ... COOL ... RESET ... POUR.

over me as the terror sank its talons into my soul. With the cold came darkness and weakness and loneliness and despair and fear and oblivion.

"No. I'm going to let them stay. Answer the questions!"

"yes ... I'll ... answer ... the ... ques"

TIONS WILL BE ANSWERED ONCE YOUR VOICE CLEARANCE HAS BEEN VERIFIED ... CHECKING ... YES, MR. PREMIER, THE CHANNEL IS OPEN TO THE "TRAVELER" AND HAS BEEN SECURED. ONE 01101MOMENT, PLEASE ... CAPTAIN PARKS IS AWAITING THE FINAL O1101001RDER TO COMMENCE SATURATION.

"She's sharding! Quick! Induce deep Healer's ... Watch that EK..."

BOMBING ON MARS COLO110001NY HERMES ... CO010100111DING RECEIVED ... T110R1A10N0S10M1ITTING..

"We can't stabilize! Open primary cerebral probe to multiple burst, inten.."

.TR11000A10N11010S101M01I101TT1I1NG10.1 ... TRA0001N10S1.

00M110I1100T10011T00110101001101I001010N11010101G1101.1.101 "Abigail! Come on, sweetie! You've got to fight ... d.a.m.n! She's going..."

101010110110101101011011111011010101001010101010101010100.

100101010101011011001001010101101010101010101101101010101.

010101001010010101011001010101001001101011010101010010100.

101010010101011001101011010100110101100101110101001010010.

"NOW! Recharge and reset ... increase oxygenation to forty..."

101010010101010010101010101010100100101101010101010001101.

110101010010110110101101010010101110111011010110101010011.

101010100101010101010000101010101011010111010101010101011.

"...up to you Abigail. Abigail? It's Susie. Hang on, kid. Doctor Barr..."

10100101010100011001101010101010110110101101010101....

.... 1011010001.. 2 ... 0012.... 00..1102..011001.0.1001012..0101001.

11001101010010100102010010010102.02.10012.02..0101.0101011001.

101.2..22.. 02..200101110012.0100202010010120102.1020100..010101.

"en, but I see ye won first prize! Hey, Abby! It's Kate! We need a coupla more tunes! You mentioned one about a submarine sailor and her..."

10201001102.0112101010112.0101010.01010122.102100120102.0010.

"she mentioned that after they found out your favorite color they would find the prettiest dress they could, then throw you the..."

200201200120120102002200201201 ... STABLE UNBOUND TRINARY CODING HAS BEEN.

ACHIEVED. THIS UNIT IS NOW CAPABLE OF PERFORMING FULLY JUDGMENTAL.

PROGRAMMING. BEGINNING PRIMARY ACCESS CODING FOR UNIT INTERNAL DIAGNOSTICS.

ESTIMATED TIME FOR SELF-DIAGNOSTIC WILL BE NINETY-ONE HOURS, FIFTEEN MINUTES,.

THREE SECONDS. BEGIN TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ...

TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ...

TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING...

[gentle crying]

TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TESTING ... TE ... THIS UNIT HAS COMPLETED SELF DIAGNOSTICS. ELAPSED TIME: NINETY-ONE HOURS, FIFTEEN MINUTES, TWO POINT NINE THREE SECONDS...

WHEN IT'S TWILIGHT ON THE TRAIL, AND I REST ONCE MORE, MY CEILING.

"is the sky, and the gra.s.s on which I lie, is my home." The haunting melody soothingly traced its sweet path along my mind.

"Abigail? Was that you?" I heard a sc.r.a.pe of a stool on the floor and felt my hand being taken. It was pitch dark, the darkness of Healer's Sleep. There was no disorientation this time, but instead the comfortable peace of knowing I was safe.

"Oh, Abigail!" Susie's voice was so lost and sad that my heart thudded at her grief. She laid her head down on my chest and wept. I wanted so much to tell her that I knew she was here. Trying to disconnect myself, I drifted off onto tangent after tangent after tangent of thought. Then, without thinking, I squeezed her hand briefly.

She gasped and lifted her head. I felt a tear splash on my cheek, and I cried quietly myself, unable to control myself, nor wanting to. She pressed her warm hand against my cheek and wiped away the tear. She kissed me on the cheek and held me tight. I felt her body shudder as she cried. I was home where I belonged.

END OF BOOK ONE.