Shame. Part 15

'All right, stay if you want. You may as well hear it. It was decided long ago whom Maj-Britt would marry, and you're not the one, I can a.s.sure you of that. His name is Gunnar Gustavsson. A young man in the Congregation, and both Maj-Britt's mother and I have great confidence in him. I don't know what sort of belief you have, but since I have never seen you at any of our meetings I strongly doubt that you are of the same faith as Maj-Britt, and therefore marriage is out of the question.'

Maj-Britt stared at her father. Gunnar Gustavsson? The boy who had sat in his best suit at the pastor's home and watched her be humiliated? Her father looked at her and his voice dripped with disgust.

'Don't look so confused. You know very well that it was arranged long ago. But we and Gunnar have decided to wait until G.o.d regards you as ready since you have had such problems with ...'

He broke off and his lower lip quivered when he pressed his lips together. Two pink strips with nothing but white around them. Her mother was rocking back and forth and a low moaning was heard. In her lap her fingers were twisting round each other over and over.

'What sort of problems?'

It was Goran who asked. Only Goran wondered what sort of problems she had had. She was back in the pastor's dining room. Sitting there naked and bound and maybe it was all her fault. They had done everything to save her but she refused to let herself be saved. And since she wouldn't obey she had d.a.m.ned herself for all eternity, which was one thing; but she had also dragged them down with her in the fall. Because they had conceived her in sin, and their G.o.d wouldn't have anything to do with her. Because in the end she gave up and was no longer willing to renounce everything to please Him. And now Goran wondered what sort of problems she had had, and if there was the slightest chance of undoing everything she had done then she must do it now.

'I asked what sort of problems Majsan has had.'

There was irritation in his voice, and Maj-Britt was astonished at how it was possible for him actually to dare take such a tone here and now and in this house. Everything she had learned and realised in the past year drained out of her. The certainty that the love she and Goran shared was pure and beautiful, that it had made her grow as a human being. The conviction that because it made them so happy it was meant to be and could not be a sin. Not even to their G.o.d. Now suddenly nothing felt certain any longer.

'Why don't you say something, Maj-Britt? Have you completely lost your voice?'

It was her father speaking to her.

'Why don't you tell him about your problems?'

Maj-Britt swallowed. Shame burned in her body.

'Maj-Britt has had problems with paying attention to her relationship with G.o.d, and the fact that you are here can be regarded as one result of that. If someone is pure in soul, those types of perversions cannot intrude, for a true Christian refrains from the d.a.m.nation of s.e.xuality, and does so with joy and grat.i.tude! We have done everything to help her but now she has obviously let herself be led astray in earnest.'

Goran stared at him. Her father continued. Each syllable was like the crack of a whip.

'You wondered what sort of problems she has had. Self-abuse, that's what it's called!'

Jesus Christ, let me get out of this. Lord forgive me for all I have done. Help me, please, help me!

How could they know?

'Fornication, Maj-Britt, that's what you've been devoting yourself to. What you're doing is sinful and is considered apostasy from the true path.'

Goran looked bewildered. As if the words he heard were spoken in a language that was foreign to him. When her father spoke again she flinched from the power in his voice.

'Maj-Britt, I want you to look me in the eye and answer my question. Is it true as he says that you intend to leave here with him? Is that what you came here to tell us?'

Maj-Britt's mother broke into tears and rocked back and forth with her face hidden in her hands.

'You know that Christ died on the cross for our sins. He died for your sake, Maj-Britt, for your sake! And now you do this to Him. You will be eternally d.a.m.ned, shut out forever from G.o.d's kingdom.'

Goran stood up.

'What kind of nonsense is this?'

Her father stood up, too. Like two fighting c.o.c.ks they stood face to face, measuring each other across the ironed tablecloth. Saliva sprayed out of her father's mouth when he answered the blasphemous outburst.

'You emissary of Satan! The Lord will punish you for this, because you have enticed her into depravity. You will come to regret this, mark my words.'

Goran went over to Maj-Britt's chair and held out his hand.

'Come, Majsan, we don't have to stay and listen to this.'

Maj-Britt couldn't move. Her leg was still tied to the chair.

'If you leave now, Maj-Britt, then you won't be welcome in this house again.'

'Come on, Majsan!'

'Do you hear that, Maj-Britt? If you choose to go with this man then you will have to face the consequences. A poisonous root must be severed from the others so as not to spread its infection. If you go now you will renounce your Congregation and your right to G.o.d's mercy, and you are no longer our daughter.'

Goran took her hand.

'Come now, Majsan, we're going.'

The clock on the wall struck five times, flinging out the exact time into the room. And just at that moment she did not know that a big red blot was taking shape in the calendar.

Maj-Britt stood up. She let Goran's hand lead her out to the hall and then, after he helped her on with her jacket, out the door. Not a sound was heard from the living room. Not even the moaning of her mother. Only a withering silence that would never end.

Goran pulled her with him down the garden walk and out through the gate, but there he stopped and took her in his arms. Her arms hung at her sides.

'They'll come around. You just have to give them a little time.'

Everything was empty. There was no joy, no relief that the lies were over, no antic.i.p.ation of the opportunities that awaited. She couldn't even share Goran's anger. Only a huge black sorrow at all the inept.i.tude. Her own and her parents'. At Goran's, who could not understand what he had caused in there. And at the Lord's, who had created them all with free will, but who still d.a.m.ned those who did not do His will. Who was always intent on punishing her.

She had longed so much for them to be able to sleep together a whole night, and now they would finally be able to do it, but everything had been ruined. She wanted Vanja to come, and Goran borrowed his parents' car and drove over to get her. During the trip he told Vanja in detail about the visit to Maj-Britt's home, and Vanja was fuming with anger when she came in the door.

'd.a.m.n it, Majsan. Don't you let them destroy this, too! You've got to show them instead.'

Goran made one pot of tea after another, and as the night wore on Maj-Britt listened to Vanja's increasingly fantastic interpretations of the problem. She even managed to make Maj-Britt laugh a few times. But it was at the end of a long persuasive tirade that she suddenly said the words that truly startled Maj-Britt.

'You have to dare to let go of the old if you want to make room for the new, don't you think? Nothing can start to grow if there isn't any room.'

Vanja fell silent as if she herself were pondering what she had said.

'Jesus, that was really good.'

And she asked Goran for a pen and quickly jotted down her words on a piece of paper. She read them silently to herself and then let out a big laugh.

'Ha! If I ever write that book I'm going to put those words in it.'

Maj-Britt smiled. Vanja and her dreams of being a writer. With her whole heart Maj-Britt wished her all the luck in the world.

Vanja looked at her watch.

'Just because I came up with such a good point, I have now made up my mind and I take this decision at twenty minutes to four on the fifteenth of June, nineteen hundred and sixty-nine. I'm moving to Stockholm. Then we can move at the same time, Majsan, even if it's not to the same city, and without me you certainly don't want to stay here in this hole of a town, do you?'

Both Goran and Maj-Britt laughed.

And when dawn came her confidence had returned. She had chosen correctly and they weren't going to be allowed to take this away from her. Her wonderful Vanja. Like a stone statue she was always there when Maj-Britt needed her. What would she have done if she hadn't been there?

Vanja.

And Ellinor.

Maj-Britt listened at the bathroom door. It was quiet in there. The pain in her back had subsided. Only a bearable ache remained. And an urgent need to go to the toilet.

'I swear to G.o.d I don't know that Vanja.'

Maj-Britt snorted. Go ahead and swear. It doesn't matter to me. And probably not to Him either.

'They're going to be calling for me soon, I was supposed to be with the next client more than half an hour ago.'

It didn't make any sense. She was never going to get the truth out of her. And soon she was going to wet herself. Maj-Britt sighed, turned round and opened the door. Ellinor was sitting on the toilet seat with the lid down.

'Get out. I have to go to the toilet.'

Ellinor looked up at her and slowly shook her head.

'You're crazy. What the h.e.l.l are you up to?'

'I have to pee, I said. Get out.'

But Ellinor stayed where she was.

'I'm not moving until you tell me why you think I know her.'

Ellinor calmly leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, sitting there comfortably with her legs crossed. Maj-Britt gritted her teeth. If only she didn't feel such revulsion at the thought of touching her she would have slapped her. A hard slap across the face.

'Then I'll pee on the floor. And you know who gets to clean it up.'

'Go ahead and do it.'

Ellinor brushed something off her trouser leg. Soon Maj-Britt wouldn't be able to hold it any longer, but never in her life would she humiliate herself like this, not in front of that loathsome little creature who always managed to get the upper hand. And she definitely couldn't risk Ellinor discovering blood in her urine, then the little traitor would press the big alarm b.u.t.ton. There was only one thing to do, no matter how much she hated the thought.

'It was just something she wrote in a letter.'

'In a letter? What did she write?'

'It has nothing to do with you, can you move now?'

Ellinor stayed where she was. Maj-Britt was getting more and more desperate. She felt a few drops ooze out.

'I must have misunderstood and I apologise for locking you in here. Okay, will you go now?'

Finally, Ellinor got up, took her bucket and with a sour look went out the door. Maj-Britt hurried to lock it and sat down on the toilet as fast as she could, feeling the relief as her bladder was finally allowed to release the pressure.

She heard the front door close. Bye, Ellinor. We won't be seeing each other again.

Suddenly, utterly without warning, she felt a hard lump in her throat. No matter how she tried to swallow it, she couldn't. Tears came too; quite without cause they welled up over her eyelids, and to her horror she felt that she couldn't stop them. It was as if something were breaking inside her, and she hid her face in her hands.

A sorrow too heavy to bear.

Finally defeated, she was forced to acknowledge how foolish her longing was. No matter how much she wished that there was someone, just one person, who would voluntarily stay with her for a little while without having to be paid to do it, it would never happen.

19.

She had called her work to take five days of the leave she was due. She had lost track of how much she had acc.u.mulated, because until now it had never interested her. Five weeks' holiday per year was more than she ever wanted, and over the years the unused days had piled up. They hadn't asked why she wanted to take the time off, and she knew that she had the confidence of management. A conscientious department head like herself would never stay away from her job so long unless there was a serious reason for it.

In the days that followed she went to see Pernilla every afternoon. She had told her that she would be the only one coming from the crisis group in future, and Pernilla took the news without displaying a hint of either joy or dislike. Monika took it as a good sign. For the time being she was content merely to be accepted.

She spent the greater part of her time outdoors with Daniella. The playground soon became a bore, so their walks grew longer. Slowly but surely she managed to win Daniella's trust, and she knew that it was a good route to take, to reach the mother through the child's approval. Because it was Pernilla who held the power. Monika was aware of this every second of the day.

There was an ever-present risk of being suddenly banished; Pernilla might think they could get along better without her help. The mere thought of someday no longer being welcome made Monika realise to what lengths she was prepared to go to avoid being sent away. She had so much more to put right.

Once a friend of Pernilla's came by, and Monika had mixed feelings when she had to go away and leave them alone. Of course she should have been glad for Pernilla's sake, but at the same time she wanted to be part of what was happening, wanted to know what they talked about, whether Pernilla had any plans for the future that Monika didn't know about. But most often Pernilla would just take a nap while Monika and Daniella set off on their excursions. Monika tried to stay in the flat when they returned, to show how well she and Daniella were getting along. Most of the time Pernilla would retreat to the bedroom, and they didn't talk much with each other, but Monika enjoyed every second she was allowed to be there. Only Mattias's eyes made her feel ill at ease. They watched her from the chest of drawers when she sat on the floor and played with Daniella. But maybe he was beginning to understand that she was there for a good purpose, now that she returned faithfully every day to a.s.sume her responsibilities.

Although Pernilla didn't say much, Monika felt that she was making a contribution just by being in the flat, and each time she left, her sense of calm remained for a couple of hours. The feeling that she had succeeded in the first stage of an honourable undertaking.

That she had earned a moment's respite. And she also realised how meaningless everything else had become. As if all the trivialities were peeled away and only a single purpose for her existence was left. But after a few hours the heart palpitations came back. She knew her science, knew exactly what sort of automatic changes were taking place in her body. That its sole purpose was to maximise her chances of survival. Fear directed her blood to the large muscles and her liver released its supply of glucose to give them fuel to work with; the pounding in her ears was her heart working to raise her blood pressure. Her spleen contracted to squirt out more red blood cells and raise the blood's capacity for oxygen uptake, while adrenaline and nor-adrenaline streamed through her body. But this time it did no good that she had received the highest marks in all her exams. What they had forgotten to teach her was how to handle the reaction. Her whole body was working to help her to flee, but what did you do when it wasn't possible to flee? In the daytime she felt like she was inside a gla.s.s bubble, shielded from everything happening outside, as if it no longer concerned her. In the evenings she drove to the gym to exhaust herself with a hard workout, but she couldn't fall asleep when she finally went to bed. When she turned off the light the fear came creeping in. And the confusion. The thoughts she had managed to fend off in the daytime by staying in continuous motion demanded attention in the dark, but that was out of the question. She suspected that her thoughts might make her doubt what she was doing, and for that reason she had every right to keep them at a distance. Since nothing ever conformed to reason or fairness, she was fully justified in planning her own strategy to bring order to the system. The forces that ruled life and death lacked all logic and discrimination. No acceptance was possible. She had to find an opportunity to make amends.

When she finally got to sleep, other dangers were lurking. Thomas would appear in her dreams. He came and went at will and awakened a longing in her that left everything reeling. What she had purposely forced her brain to forget remained as a memory in her body, and her hands refused to ward it off.

She wrote herself a prescription for sleeping pills as a means of defence.

After that she was left in peace.