Shaman Part 130

_Why did I never see it before?_

Wolf Paw wore the markings of the Bird she was named after, the Bird that was her spirit guide. Neither she nor he had been aware of it. But it must mean that they were destined for each other, and that what had already happened between herself and Wolf Paw _had_ to happen.

To live out her life with Wolf Paw and never to see White Bear again was like being told she would never again see a day with sunlight.

But it was as the spirit Bird had sung to her-- _What must happen, must happen_.

She breathed deeply. She hated having to tell White Bear about Wolf Paw.

If he had been willing to come with her, she would not have had to say anything. Wolf Paw would not have tried to hold her. And if she gave birth a moon or two too soon, White Bear would have forgiven her. But now she had to use Wolf Paw to hurt White Bear.

To hurt him so as to heal him.

_But when I am gone from here, who will heal me? Must the shaman suffer wounds that can never be healed?_

_Yes, if she has dealt such wounds._

"You would not want me anymore, White Bear," she said. "These past moons since you left us I have been Wolf Paw's woman."

He raised his tear-streaked face from the pillow and stared at her.

"What are you saying?"

"Wolf Paw lost his wives and his children at the Bad Axe. He was like a dead man. I wanted to heal him, and I will heal him, by living with him."

His eyes widened. She could see anger darkening his cheeks.

He said, "After my father took me to live here, you waited six summers for me while Wolf Paw courted you. Could you not keep him off for a few moons?"

She held out her hands imploringly. "Before, when he was an honored warrior and had his family, he had no need of me. He wanted me as he wanted another feather to hang in his hair. But now he needs me. Without me he would be as good as dead. And he is the last brave in our band."

"I need you."

She put her hands over her belly. It was still flat, but she knew what was there.

"I am carrying Wolf Paw's child."

He pushed against the bed till he was sitting bolt upright, and he pounded his fist on his knee. He was still badly wounded. He could hurt himself. What if he tried to get out of bed, and tore the wound open?

But when he looked up at her his eyes were large and dark with sadness.

"I still love you, whatever you did with Wolf Paw. And I will love _any_ baby you bear."

She felt his hands seize her heart, tearing it out of her chest, crushing it. She cried out with the pain and staggered backward.

She cried, "You offer me everything but the one thing I want--for you to come back to our people."

"What I do, I do for our people." His voice was so low that she could barely hear him. "One Sauk, at least, will take back land the pale eyes stole from us."

The world grew darker and darker for her. With every word he spoke she was losing him a little more.

She made the flat-handed "no" gesture. "The pale eyes here in this land are too strong for the red people. And in you there is both pale eyes and red man, and the pale eyes is stronger than the red."

His shoulders slumped. She saw a dullness in his eyes that made her think of Wolf Paw as he had looked after the people of Victor had killed Floating Lily.

_Have I hurt White Bear so badly that he will get sick again?_ Sudden fear rippled through her.

But then he lifted his head and looked at her, and there was strength in his gaunt face.

"I will always love you. And as long as this place is mine, there will be a home here for you, for Eagle Feather, for any child of yours. For any Sauk. When you go back, tell them that."

Grief crushed her as she gazed at the man she loved, knowing that they were parting forever.

He reached out to her, and she went back to lie beside him on the bed.

It felt so good to be held by him, and it hurt so much to know that this was the last time they would ever lie heart against heart, she thought she would scream at the agony of it.

_Good-bye, Floating Lily, my daughter. I may never be able to come back here again. I hope you have begun your journey West. But if your spirit lingers here, know that your father is close by._

Redbird stood a moment looking down at the mound of earth, now covered with leaves, the strip of red blanket tied to the willow wand now faded.

She rocked back and forth in the pale eyes shoes made of heavy leather that Yellow Hair had given her. She wailed softly in her sorrow for Floating Lily.

Then she turned to Yellow Hair, who stood under a nearby maple.

"You take White Bear here and show him."

Yellow Hair nodded.

They went back to Yellow Hair's carriage. The buggy was laden with food and blankets, and Redbird carried with her a heavy bag of gold coins given her by White Bear's grandfather. Used wisely, the gold would buy blankets and food, rifles and ammunition from the traders to help the Sauk get through the winter. Now they would not have to winter over at Fort Armstrong, but could cross over at once to join the rest of the tribe in Ioway.

The wound in Redbird's heart ached constantly, and she sat bent forward on the buggy seat, her hands gripping her knees. As they rattled down the road to Fort Armstrong she felt some small relief at leaving the place where she had lost so much. She tried to tell herself that she was on the way to a new life.

Yellow Hair said she didn't understand why White Bear was not with them.

She wanted to know if he would follow Redbird when he got better.

_She understands, but she does not dare believe he is going to stay with her. She thinks it is too much to hope for._

Redbird said, "He still your husband, Yellow Hair. You want him?"

Yellow Hair's lips quivered as she asked, would Redbird not come back to be with White Bear?

Redbird gritted her teeth. It hurt to have to explain to Yellow Hair.

Redbird made the flat-hand motion. "He not follow me. I never come back here."

Now Yellow Hair's eyes were glowing like turquoise set in silver. But she put a comforting hand on Redbird's arm.

She wanted to know why. How could Redbird part from White Bear and he from her? Did it not hurt too much?