Shakespeare Jest-Books Part 39

-- A certayne poore blynde man[318] in the countrey was ledde by a curst boy to an house where a weddyng was: so the honest folkes gaue him meate, and at last one gaue hym a legge of a good fatte goose: whiche the boy receyuyng kept a syde, and did eate it vp hym selfe. Anon the blynde man saide: Iacke, where is the leg of the goose? What goose (quod the boy)? I haue none. Thou liest (quoth the blinde man), I dyd smell it. And so they wente forth chidyng together, tyll the shrewde boye led the poore man against a post: where hittyng his brow a great blow, he cryed out: A hoorson boy, what hast thou done? Why (quod the boy) could you not smell the post, that was so nere, as wel as the goose that was so farre from your nose?

-- _Of him that sold two lodes of hey._ cx.x.xii.

-- In London dwelled a mery pleasant man (whiche for [t]his tyme we may call Makeshift[319]) who, beyng arrayed somewhat haruest lyke, with a pytcheforke on his necke, went forth in a mornyng and mette with twoo lode of hey comeyng to the citieward, for the whiche he bargayned with the owners to paye x.x.x shillynges. Whyther shall we bring them, quoth thei? To the Swan in Longe Lane[320] by Smithfeeld (quoth he), and soo left them, and sped him thether the next[321] waye. Whan he came to the good man of the Swanne, he asked, if he would bye two good lodes of hey?

Yes marie, sayde he. Where be thei? Euen here they come (quoth Makshyft). What shall I paye? sayde the inholder. Foure n.o.bles (quoth hee): but at length they agreed to xx shilling. Whan the hey was come, Makshyft bad them vnlode. While they were doyng so,[322] he came to the inholder,[323] and said: sir, I prai you let me haue my monei: for, while my men be vnloding, I wil goe into the citee to buy a littell stuffe to haue home with me. The good man was content, and gaue it hym.

And so he went his way. Whan the men had vnloded the hey, they came and demanded their money. To whom the inholder saide: I haue paid your maister. What master (quoth they)? Mary, quod he, the same man that made you bring the hey hether. We know hym not, quod they. No more doe I (quod he); that same man bargayned with me for the hey, and hym haue I payed: I neyther bought nor sold with you. That is not enough for vs, quod they; and thus thei stroue together. But what ende thei made, I know not. For I thynke Makeshift came not againe to agree them.

FOOTNOTES:

[318] Tricks upon blind persons naturally form a feature in the jest books. The eighty-third adventure of Tyl Owlgla.s.s is a practical joke on a blind man, and in _Scoggin's Jests_, 1626, there are one or two examples.

[319] A cheat or rogue. See Rowland's _Knave of Clubbs_, 1600 (Percy Soc. ed. p. 18). The word _Shifter_ is employed by Rowlands in the _Knave of Harts_, 1613, and by others of our elder writers in the same sense. In the following pa.s.sage, shift is used to signify a piece of knavery:--

_"Ferd._ Brother, you lie; you got her with a _shift_.

_Frank._ I was the first that lov'd her."

Heywood's _Fair Maid of the Exchange_, 1607 (Shakesp. Soc. ed. p. 87).

See also Taylor's _Works_, 1630, ii. 144. In his _Sculler_, 1612, the last mentioned writer introduces a sharper into one of his epigrams under the name _of Mounsieur Shift_, "cozen-german to Sir Cuthert _Theft_" (_Works_, iii. 25).

[320] Antiently, no doubt, Long Lane ran between hedges into Smithfield; but it appears that even in the early part of Elizabeth's reign building had commenced in this locality. Stow (_Survey of London_, edit. 1720, lib. iii. p. 122) says:--"Long Lane, so called from its length, coming out of _Aldersgate Street_ against _Barbican_, and falleth into _West Smithfield_. A Place also of Note for the Sale of Apparel, Linnen, and Upholsters Goods, both Secondhand and New, but chiefly for old, for which it is of note." See also p. 284 of the same book, and Cunningham's _Hand Book of London_, edit. 1848, _in voce_, with the authorities and ill.u.s.trations there given. Rowlands, in his _Letting of Humors Blood in the Head Vein_, 1611, Sign. C. 2 _verso_, celebrates this spot as one of the princ.i.p.al haunts of the p.a.w.nbrokers. In _Wits Recreations_, 1640 (edit. 1817, p. 109), there is the following epigram:--

"He which for 's wife a widow doth obtain, Doth like to those that buy clothes in _Long Lane_, One coat's not fit, another's too too old, Their faults I know not, but th' are manifold."

Day, in the _Parliament of Bees_, 1641, 40, Sign. C, speaks very disrespectfully of the population of Long Lane in his time. See _Maroccus Extaticus_, 1595 (Percy Soc. ed. p. 16), Dekker's _Knights'

Conjuring_, 1607, ed. Rimbault, p. 54. Webster's Works, by Hazlitt, i.

94. and Taylor's Works, 1630, Sign. Ggg4. The _Swan_ Inn has disappeared, but whether it has merged in the _Barley Mow_, or the _Old Red Cow_, I do not know.

[321] Nearest.

[322] The original reading is, _so while they were doying_.

[323] Innkeeper. This form of the word continued to be used by English writers even in the later half of the seventeenth century.

-- _How a mery man deuised to cal people to a playe._ cx.x.xiii.

-- A Mery man, called Qualitees,[324] on a tyme sette vp billes vpon postes aboute London, that who so euer woulde come to Northumberlande Place[325] should here suche an antycke plaie[326] that, both for the mattier and handelyng, the lyke was neuer heard before. For all they that shoulde playe therin were gentilmen.

Those bylles moued the people (whan the daye came) to come thyther thycke and threfolde. Now he had hyred two men to stande at the gate with a boxe (as the facion is), who toke of euery persone that came in a peny, or an halfe peny at the least. So whan he thought the market was at the best, he came to the gate, and toke from the men[327] the boxe with money, and geuynge theym their duitie, bade them go into the hall, and see the rome kepte: for hee shoulde gooe and fetche in the plaiers.

They went in, and he went out, and lockt the gate faste, and toke the key with hym: and gat hym on hys geldynge, whiche stode ready saddilled without Aldryshegate[328] at an In,[329] and towarde Barnet he roade apace. The people taryed from twoo a clocke tyll three, from three to foure, styll askyng and criyng: Whan shall the plaie begyn? How long shall we tarye? Whan the clocke stroke foure, all the people murmured and sayed: Wherefore tarye we any longer? Here shall be no playe. Where is the knaue, that hath beguyled vs hyther? It were almes to[330]

thruste a dagger throughe hys chekes, sayeth one. It were well done to cutte of hys eares, sayeth an other. Haue hym to Newgat! sayeth one: nay, haue hym to Tyburne! sayed an other. Shall wee loose our money thus, saieth he? Shall wee bee thus beguiled, sayeth this man? shulde this be suffered, saieth that man? And so muttrynge and chydyng, they came to the gate to goe oute; but they coulde not. For it was faste lockt, and Qualitees had the key away with him. Now begynne they a freshe to fret and fume: nowe they swere and stare: now they stampe and threaten: for the locking in greeued them more than all the losse and mockery before: but all auayle not. For there muste they abide, till wayes may be founde to open the gate, that they maye goe out. The maidens that shoulde haue dressed theyr maisters suppers, they wepe and crye; boyes and prentises sorow and lament; they wote not what to say, whan thei come home.

For al this foule araye, For al this great frai, Qualites is mery ridyng on his waie.[331]

FOOTNOTES:

[324] Perhaps this, like Makeshift, was merely intended as a phrase to disguise the real name of the person intended.

[325] Northumberland _Alley_ was in Fenchurch Street, and was notorious for bowling-greens, gaming-houses, &c. Probably this is the locality intended. See Cunningham's _Handbook to London_. 596 edit. 1848.

[326] _i.e._ a burlesque play.

[327] Orig. and Singer read _man_.

[328] Aldersgate. In the _Ordinary_, by W. Cartwright, Moth the Antiquary says:--

"Yclose by _Aldersgate_ there dwelleth one Wights clypen _Robert Moth_; now _Aldersgate_ Is hotten so from one that _Aldrich_ hight; Or else of Elders, that is, ancient men; Or else of Aldern trees which growden there; Or else, as Heralds say, from _Aluredus_."

[329] Inns were not so plentiful at this time as they afterward became.

Perhaps the establishment here referred to was the celebrated _Bell_ Inn, which was still standing in the time of James the First, and which is mentioned by Taylor the Water-Poet in his _Penniless Pilgrimage_, 1618 (_Works_, 1630, i. 122):--

"At last I took my latest leave, thus late At the Bell Inn, that's _extra_ Aldersgate."

[330] _i.e._ it were a charity to thruste, &c. The original and Singer have, "it were almes _it_ thruste."

[331] In the original this is printed as prose, perhaps to economize s.p.a.ce. _Array_, or _araye_, as it is here spelled, signifies obviously disturbance or clamour. So in the _History of King Arthur_, 1634, Part iii. cap. 134:--"So in this rumour came in Sir Launcelot, and found them all at a great aray;" and the next chapter commences with, "Aha! what aray is this? said Sir Launcelot."

-- _How the image of the dyuell was lost and sought._ cx.x.xiiii.

-- In the Goldesmithes hall, amonge theyr other plate, they had a fair standyng cuppe, with an image of S. Dunstane on the couer, whiche image hadde an image of the dyuell at his foote.[332] So it chaunced at a banket that the sayed image of the dyuell was lost and gone. On the morow after, the bedyll of the company was sent about to serche amonge the goldesmythes, if any suche came to be sold. And lyke as of other[333] he enquired of one, if any man had brought to hym to be solde the foole that sate at sainct Dunstanes foote vpon the couer of the cuppe? What foole meane you? quoth he. Mary, the diuell, sayde the bedill. Why, quoth the other, call ye the diuell a foole; ye shal find him a shrewd foole, if ye haue ought to do with hym? And why seke you for him here amonge vs? Where shoulde I els seke for hym? (sayde the bedill). Mary in h.e.l.l, quoth he, for there ye shall be sure to fynde the dyuell.

FOOTNOTES:

[332] Probably the cup bequeathed by Sir Martin Bowes to the Goldsmiths'

Company, and still preserved, is here meant. See Cunningham's _Handbook of London_, art. _Goldsmiths' Hall_, and for some account of the Bowes family, which intermarried with that of D'Ewes, see _Autobiography and Correspondence of Sir Simonds D'Ewes_, ii. 17, 18. It seems to have been a rather common practice formerly to engrave figures of Saints, representations of the Pa.s.sion, &c. on the bottom of drinking cups.--See Rowlands' _Knave of Clubbs_, 1600. (Percy Soc. repr. p. 64.)

[333] In the same manner that he inquired of others, &c.

-- _Of Tachas, kyng of Aegypt, and Agesilaus._ cx.x.xv.

-- What tyme Agesilaus, king of the Lacedemonians, was come to Tachas the kyng of Egipt, to aide him in his wars: Tachas beholdyng Agesilaus to bee a man of so litel stature and smal personage tauntyng hym with this scoffe, sayde: The mountayne hath trauayled, Iupiter forbode, but yet hee hathe broughte forth a mouse.[334] Agesilaus beynge offended wyth hys saying, answered: and yet the tyme wyl come, that I shall seeme to the a Lyon. And not longe after, it chaunced through a sedycion that arose amonge the Aegypcyans, whan Agesilaus was gone from him, the king was constreyned to flee to the Persians.