Shades Of Submission: Fifty By Fifty Part 103

"I am focused, Warren darling." Andrea tugged gently at his tie before her fingers followed it like an arrow down his chest, heading for his lap. Heidi sat frozen, furious, sure she was about to witness an afternoon quickie she didn't want to know about, let alone see.

"Your dresses will be completed this week." Kaiser stood, moving away from the table where Andrea's designs-not hers, mine! Heidi fumed-were spread out. "We'll meet downtown this weekend for the pre-show. I think we're almost done here for the day."

Surprised by his obvious rebuff, Heidi watched, unnoticed, as he moved to his desk to pick up the phone. Andrea stood near the window, her back turned, a woman clearly unaccustomed to not getting what she wanted.

Heidi decided she didn't want to see any more, getting up quietly from her desk and heading down the hall to the kitchen. It would be best not to have any confrontations, she thought, pouring a cup of coffee-exactly why, she didn't know, since she didn't drink it-and standing there with the warm mug cupped in her hands. All the mugs were the same, with the Kaiser logo and his signature curlicue K.

She stood there, how long she didn't know, wondering what to do. Was she going to hide in the kitchen all afternoon? It was already five minutes past the time she should have been sitting at her desk, waiting to do Kaiser's bidding and if he discovered this fact, she knew she was going to be in trouble. Why was she risking it? Because she didn't want to see Andrea Paxton again, after all this time?

Because she stole my designs!

But, while that was true, Heidi knew she couldn't prove it. Her sketchbook was long gone, and how could she possibly convince Kaiser that she, a lowly secretary, had designed something that Andrea Paxton-the Andrea Paxton-claimed was her own creation? It was an impossible situation, and Heidi had already decided, without really deciding anything at all, to do what she always did. She followed the path of least resistance.

I bend, she thought, looking at her distorted reflection on the dark, rippled surface of the rich, aromatic coffee, the cup shaking in her hand.

"Oh my G.o.d! Heidi Bauer!" Andrea gasped, looking truly surprised and, Heidi noted with some satisfaction, actually a little frightened. It was an expression she probably wasn't used to conveying, but Andrea looked as if someone had just walked in on her while she was going to the bathroom. She also looked unbelievably beautiful-her dress was short and stylish, a s.e.xy green velour just low-cut enough to avoid being inappropriate. She was perfectly made up and coiffed, her honey-blonde hair like spun gold falling around her shoulders.

Heidi remembered her own afternoon in the salon, touching her usually-mousy locks with a smoothing hand, and was glad she looked at least a little more presentable than usual.

"Hi, Andrea."

"What are you doing here?" Andrea looked terrified, and she also looked like she was trying to cover that fact. The irony of their meeting here, now, obviously wasn't lost on her.

"I work here," Heidi replied simply.

"With Kaiser?"

With Kaiser. For Kaiser. Was there a difference? Heidi just nodded.

"Are you part of the show?"

Was she part of the show? She had helped plan it down to the last b.u.t.ton and bow. Did that make her part of it? Sadly, she knew it didn't, and for the first time, she felt a deep, sharp pain in her side when she drew a shaky breath. She wasn't part of the show, not really. She would be on the sidelines, watching models flaunt other designers' clothing. She would be in Paris in a few weeks, watching Andrea Paxton receiving accolades for designs that she, Heidi, had created.

Just how many designs had she dared to copy, Heidi wondered, giving Andrea a long, cool look. She had seen at least four on Kaiser's desk that belonged to her that day. Her sketchbook had been full of them. Something felt lodged in her throat, burning there, something old and stuck and impossibly huge.

"I know what you did." The words were out of her mouth before Heidi could stop them, as if the stuck thing had suddenly been liberated.

Andrea glanced over her shoulder as if she were being followed, and then narrowed her eyes at Heidi. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I've seen the designs," Heidi went on, her voice growing louder even as Andrea shushed her. "They're mine and you know it."

"Prove it," Andrea hissed, her already rosily made-up cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red.

And there it was. Heidi couldn't prove anything, and they both knew it. At least, Heidi knew it. But Andrea might not, Heidi mused, the thought just occurring to her. Maybe, just maybe...

"I intend to," Heidi bluffed, her spine straightening. The look of fear in Andrea's eyes was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen.

"Did you find the coffee, Andrea?" Kaiser's voice coming down the hall startled them both. "I don't know where my secretary has gotten off to, she-oh. There she is. Heidi, get Andrea some coffee and come to my office."

He stood in the doorway, looking between the two women, a frown Heidi knew well starting at the corners of his mouth.

"Secretary...?" Andrea's mouth curled into a slow, Cheshire-cat smile. The smug look in her eyes was enough to turn Heidi's stomach. So much for her bluff. Now Andrea knew-Heidi wasn't a designer. She wasn't anything-just a secretary.

"Heidi?" Kaiser inclined his head, his frown deepening as he stepped further into the kitchen and Heidi knew she was a secretary in big trouble. Exasperated, he motioned between Andrea and the cup in Heidi's hand. "Coffee?"

Like the thing that had been stuck in her throat flying free, it all happened very quickly. Heidi's trembling hand jerked impulsively, the spontaneous movement splashing dark brown liquid down the front of Andrea's four-thousand-dollar Armani dress. Andrea yelped, more in surprise than from pain-the coffee was now just lukewarm-and swore loudly, glaring at Heidi and pulling her wet dress away from her skin with thumb and forefinger.

"Enjoy your coffee." Heidi swept past a stunned Kaiser, not glancing up to even meet his eyes. She knew they were angry and disapproving underneath his surprise and she couldn't bear to look.

"What the h.e.l.l?" Kaiser's voice was soft, incredulous, and disappearing behind her as Heidi slipped her heels off and sprinted for her desk. She grabbed her purse and shopping bag and didn't even wait for the elevator. She straight-armed the door to the stairwell and ran down, shredding the feet of her stockings on the cement stairs after just the first flight.

"Heidi!" It was Kaiser's voice, calling from far above her, but she ran faster, heart hammering, a st.i.tch growing in her side. She opened the door three flights down, surprising someone with a cart from the mailroom and making him drop a package.

She apologized reflexively, poking the "down" b.u.t.ton on the elevator again and again until the doors opened, ignoring the puzzled looks on the secretaries' faces and the whispers back and forth behind her as she slipped in and pressed the "door close" b.u.t.ton-hard.

She leaned back against the wall, her legs trembling, closing her eyes and drawing long, deep, ragged breaths. What had she done? Oh G.o.d, what had she done? The feeling was unbearable. She wanted to sink into the floor, crawl under a desk, hide her shame in some palpable darkness.

The elevator slowed and stopped and she opened her eyes, slipping her shoes back on, noting her ruined stockings, straightening her dress as the doors of the elevator opened. A man in the business suit gave her an appraising look, smiling as he stepped in and pressed the number thirty.

"Hi, I'm Brian," he said, giving her a sidelong glance. "Haven't seen you around."

"I'm new." She sounded like she was apologizing-and she was.

"You sure brighten up the place." Brian gave her a wider smile, his eyes dipping quickly to her hemline and back up again.

Heidi stared at him. Was he hitting on her? Men never hit on her. She was like a gla.s.s of lukewarm water in a wine cellar of women in this industry. No one ever noticed her.

"I-" Heidi started to reply-she had no idea what she was going to say-when her cell phone vibrated in her purse. She wasn't allowed to set it to ring. "Excuse me," she murmured, turning away and digging through her purse in search of her phone. She flipped it open when she found it to see who was calling, sure it would be Kaiser insisting she come back and take her punishment. Part of her, in fact, was hoping it was Kaiser, because what if...what if he didn't call? What would she do then?

"Lenny?" Heidi sounded genuinely surprised when she answered, and she was.

"Hey, girl!" He laughed-he had such a warm laugh, and it made her instantly nostalgic for her other, easier, job. "You miss me yet?"

"Hi, Lenny," she said, smiling, sounding happy and realizing it was true, for the moment. She'd never been happier to hear his voice. "How are you?"

"I'm fantastic, still keeping my head down and my mouth shut. You?"

She swallowed, closing her eyes. "Me, too."

Well...mostly...

The door behind her opened and the guy-Brian-got off. She didn't turn around as the doors closed again and the elevator began to move.

"So, I was calling to see if you wanted to do dinner and a video. Me and takeout and a chick flick. How could you resist?"

Heidi laughed. "Lenny, are you sure you aren't gay?"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Lenny feigned offense. "I've just been in this business so long, I'm very in touch with my inner feminine."

"I'd love to." She smiled, surprised her face would oblige while the heavy leaden feeling still lingered in her belly.

"Say seven?"

"Seven," she agreed, and she managed to exchange a few more casual-seeming pleasantries before hanging up. Anxiously, Heidi flipped through her missed calls-none of them Kaiser. He hadn't called. And what if he didn't? What if she didn't have a job in the morning? He had every right to fire her-should fire her. He had no idea why she had done what she'd done, and she was sure Andrea was preemptively giving him all sorts of false information. Or maybe she was distracting him with a b.l.o.w.j.o.b.

Heidi swallowed hard at that, dropping her phone back in her purse and considering her options. She could go back, crawling on her knees-perhaps literally. She could wait for Kaiser to call-if he called. Or she could go back to work in the morning and see what happened. None of them was very appealing, but the alternative-never seeing Kaiser again-was unthinkable.

The problem was, she didn't know if Kaiser felt the same. Was she just his pliable, expendable secretary...or something more? She didn't know, and she was truly afraid to find out.

"I'm hungry." Lenny stood up and stretched, grabbing the remote to pause Julie and Julia-Meryl Streep as Julia Childs filled the screen, mouth half-open, eyes half-closed, ridiculously frozen.

"You're just hungry because we're watching a movie about food." Heidi smiled. "Besides, we just ate an hour ago."

"An hour's about right. We ate Chinese food, remember?" he reminded her. "What do you have in the fridge?"

"Not much, I'm afraid..." she apologized as she followed him to the kitchen, leaning against the counter and watching him start to forage.

"What the h.e.l.l is this? Where's the Cheez-Whiz?" Lenny frowned into the refrigerator, finding strawberries, organic milk, two cuc.u.mbers and some Laughing Cow cheese, which he tossed back onto a shelf in disgust. He slammed the fridge and scanned the top, where Heidi usually kept the real goodies. "Where're the Cheetos? Don't you have any more Ho-Ho's? Someone needs to go shopping!"

She shrugged. "I've kind of been...watching my weight."

"What the h.e.l.l for?" His eyes brightened when he opened the reserve cupboard and found a half-full bag of pretzels. "You worked around models every day and didn't diet...why would you..." His hand paused halfway to his mouth, his eyebrows going up. "Ohhhhhhh, I see! Is that how it is?"

"Shut up." Heidi looked at the linoleum. "Don't say it."

Lenny crunched a handful of pretzels, swallowing before asking, "Kaiser's got you in training, doesn't he?"

She met his gaze, too surprised not to speak. "What do you mean?"

"Everyone knows what he does with his secretaries." Lenny smirked, carrying the pretzels with him back to the living room. Heidi followed, settling herself on the couch next to him.

"They do?" she inquired, watching him open another beer from the six-pack he'd brought and wondering if she could let him drive home.

"He pull out his crop yet?" He looked at her pointedly over the bottle and her flush was clearly enough of a response for him. "His particular fetish is more obvious and well-known than he thinks it is."

She reached for the remote, wanting to restart the movie and end this conversation, but Lenny got to it first, holding it out of her reach. "Does he hurt you?"

"No." She denied it, and it was true. Sort of true. How could she possibly explain? It was bad enough knowing he knew...that others must know. Oh G.o.d, had Carvel known? Did Andrea know? The thought made her want to curl into the fetal position. "Not much," she explained, her voice soft and far away, along with her thoughts. "Not in a bad way. Not... on the outside."

"Uh oh." Lenny groaned, tossing the pretzels on the coffee table and taking another swig of beer. "Look, s.e.x games are one thing, but man...Heidi, don't get your heart involved, okay? He's going to break it, guaranteed."

"I think he already has." She felt tears stinging her eyes and turned her face away, back to Julia Childs interrupted, not wanting him to see.

"You got it bad." He sighed, moving toward her on the sofa and sliding an arm around her shoulder.

"You have no idea." Turning her face toward him now, she pressed her cheek against his chest and let him pull her close.

"So that's what's got you so quiet?" he murmured, kissing the top of her head.

Had she been quiet? Probably. Her thoughts were full of Kaiser and Andrea and the dread of future possibility. It was like waiting for the shock of some twisted reverse-Christmas-morning. "Sort of."

"Tell."

She sighed, shrugged. "It's complicated."

"I've got all night." He gave her a gentle, rea.s.suring squeeze and she found herself feeling too safe and secure in the circle of his arms, her guard dissolving. She'd been dying to tell someone...

"There's this woman..." she began, and before she knew it, she'd spilled it all, from Kaiser's training her to Andrea's stealing her designs, and when she was done, Lenny's shirt was wet with tears.

"Oh my G.o.d, Heidi..." he murmured, rocking her, and she let him, craving the comfort. "Why didn't you tell him?"

"Tell him?" Heidi snorted a laugh, wiping at her face with the back of her hand and finding it streaked with mascara. She'd changed into jeans and a t-shirt when she got home, but had forgotten how made up she was. What a mess..."I can't tell him. I can't prove anything."

"You think he won't believe you?" Lenny pulled the end of his shirt out from his belt and wiped at her tears, mascara and all, leaving black streaks on the khaki material.

Heidi shrugged, looking and feeling miserable. "Why should he believe me? It's my word against hers. And this is Andrea Paxton we're talking about."

"You've changed on the outside, but you're the same old Heidi." Lenny shook his head slowly as he pulled her close again. He smelled like pretzels and beer and aftershave, which wasn't an unpleasant combination, but was so far from the smells of the man she was longing for she suddenly found it more pain than comfort to be in his arms.

"I know." Heidi bent her head, closing her eyes. "I'm pathetic."

"No, you're not." Lenny lifted her chin, cupping her tear-stained face in his hands. "You're bright and beautiful and sweet..."

She met his gaze, surprised into silence by his words, but even more so by the look in his eyes. She knew that look. She hadn't seen it often in her life, but enough to recognize it.

"Why do you think I called you?" Lenny asked, his gaze moving down to her mouth, pausing there, and she found it suddenly hard to breathe.

"I don't know..." she lied. She did know, now, even if she hadn't before.

"Don't do this thing with Kaiser," he pleaded, his thumbs stroking her cheeks.

"What thing?"

"This thing." His mouth captured hers in one easy motion, so quickly she didn't have time to protest, although somehow she had felt it coming. He didn't just smell like pretzels and beer, he tasted like it, too. The kiss was soft but not tentative, his mouth beginning to explore hers. The sensation was enjoyable, but...

"Lenny..." She broke free, gasping for breath, but his hands were moving in her hair, down her back, tugging her shirt up and seeking the skin at her waist. His mouth moved over her jaw, her neck, her ear, back to her mouth, and she let him kiss her again. It had been a long time since a man had kissed her, and she found herself gauging her own response like some curious scientist.

Kaiser had never kissed her. She had wanted it, longed for it, dreamed about it, but his mouth had never touched hers. She found herself thinking about Kaiser's mouth, his perpetual frown. How many times had she imagined their first kiss?

"Oh, Heidi..." Lenny moaned against her lips, and she realized she'd been fervently responding, lost in her fantasy. He had her half pulled into his lap, and she could feel him, hard, against her hip. "G.o.d, you feel so good."

"Lenny, wait..." She pushed herself away, still trembling, retreating to the opposite end of the sofa. He sat, looking stunned, pained, and she swallowed past the lump in her throat. "I can't...we can't do this."

"Is it me?" he asked.

She shook her head, insisting, "No!"