Seven Short Plays Part 8

_Fardy:_ That is a good thing to have.

_Hyacinth:_ It is not. It's the worst in the world. If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be like a prize mangold at a show with every person praising me.

_Fardy:_ If I had it, I wouldn't be like a head in a barrel, with every person making hits at me.

_Hyacinth:_ If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be shoved into a room with all the clergy watching me and the police in the back yard.

_Fardy:_ If I had it, I wouldn't be but a message-carrier now, and a clapper scaring birds in the summer time.

_Hyacinth:_ If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be wearing this b.u.t.ton and brought up for an example at the meeting.

_Fardy:_ (_Whistles._) Maybe you're not, so, what those papers make you out to be?

_Hyacinth:_ How would I be what they make me out to be? Was there ever any person of that sort since the world was a world, unless it might be Saint Antony of Padua looking down from the chapel wall? If it is like that I was, isn't it in Mount Melleray I would be, or with the Friars at Esker? Why would I be living in the world at all, or doing the world's work?

_Fardy:_ (_Taking up parcel._) Who would think, now, there would be so much lies in a small place like Carrow?

_Hyacinth:_ It was my mother's cousin did it. He said I was not reared for labouring-he gave me a new suit and bid me never to come back again. I daren't go back to face him-the neighbours knew my mother had a long family-bad luck to them the day they gave me these. (_Tears letters and scatters them._) I'm done with testimonials. They won't be here to bear witness against me.

_Fardy:_ The Sergeant thought them to be great. Sure he has the samples of them in his pocket. There's not one in the town but will know before morning that you are the next thing to an earthly saint.

_Hyacinth:_ (_Stamping._) I'll stop their mouths. I'll show them I can be a terror for badness. I'll do some injury. I'll commit some crime.

The first thing I'll do I'll go and get drunk. If I never did it before I'll do it now. I'll get drunk-then I'll make an a.s.sault-I tell you I'd think as little of taking a life as of blowing out a candle.

_Fardy:_ If you get drunk you are done for. Sure that will be held up after as an excuse for any breaking of the law.

_Hyacinth:_ I will break the law. Drunk or sober I'll break it. I'll do something that will have no excuse. What would you say is the worst crime that any man can do?

_Fardy:_ I don't know. I heard the Sergeant saying one time it was to obstruct the police in the discharge of their duty--

_Hyacinth:_ That won't do. It's a patriot I would be then, worse than before, with my picture in the weeklies. It's a red crime I must commit that will make all respectable people quit minding me. What can I do? Search your mind now.

_Fardy:_ It's what I heard the old people saying there could be no worse crime than to steal a sheep--

_Hyacinth:_ I'll steal a sheep-or a cow-or a horse-if that will leave me the way I was before.

_Fardy:_ It's maybe in gaol it will leave you.

_Hyacinth:_ I don't care-I'll confess-I'll tell why I did it-I give you my word I would as soon be picking oak.u.m or breaking stones as to be perched in the daylight the same as that bird, and all the town chirruping to me or bidding me chirrup--

_Fardy:_ There is reason in that, now.

_Hyacinth:_ Help me, will you?

_Fardy:_ Well, if it is to steal a sheep you want, you haven't far to go.

_Hyacinth:_ (_Looking round wildly._) Where is it? I see no sheep.

_Fardy:_ Look around you.

_Hyacinth:_ I see no living thing but that thrush--

_Fardy:_ Did I say it was living? What is that hanging on Quirke's rack?

_Hyacinth:_ It's (_fingers it_) a sheep, sure enough--

_Fardy:_ Well, what ails you that you can't bring it away?

_Hyacinth:_ It's a dead one--

_Fardy:_ What matter if it is?

_Hyacinth:_ If it was living I could drive it before me--

_Fardy:_ You could. Is it to your own lodging you would drive it? Sure everyone would take it to be a pet you brought from Carrow.

_Hyacinth:_ I suppose they might.

_Fardy:_ Miss Joyce sending in for news of it and it bleating behind the bed.

_Hyacinth:_ (_Distracted_). Stop! stop!

_Mrs. Delane:_ (_From upper window._) Fardy! Are you there, Fardy Farrell?

_Fardy:_ I am, ma'am.

_Mrs. Delane:_ (_From window._) Look and tell me is that the telegraph I hear ticking?

_Fardy:_ (_Looking in at door._) It is, ma'am.

_Mrs. Delane:_ Then botheration to it, and I not dressed or undressed.

Wouldn't you say, now, it's to annoy me it is calling me down. I'm coming! I'm coming! (_Disappears._)

_Fardy:_ Hurry on, now! hurry! She'll be coming out on you. If you are going to do it, do it, and if you are not, let it alone.

_Hyacinth:_ I'll do it! I'll do it!

_Fardy:_ (_Lifting the sheep on his back._) I'll give you a hand with it.

_Hyacinth:_ (_Goes a step or two and turns round._) You told me no place where I could hide it.

_Fardy:_ You needn't go far. There is the church beyond at the side of the Square. Go round to the ditch behind the wall-there's nettles in it.

_Hyacinth:_ That'll do.

_Fardy:_ She's coming out-run! run!

Hyacinth: (_Runs a step or two._) It's slipping!