Seriously I'm Kidding Part 6

There has never been a time when people could communicate and express themselves as instantly and as much as they can now. It's hard to believe, but there was a time when communicating meant we had to WRITE LETTERS! (If you're reading this book to your kids as a bedtime story, and I highly suggest you do, now might be a good time to teach them about handwritten letters, record players, VCRs, and the first season of The Hills The Hills.) n.o.body writes letters anymore, which means n.o.body has pen pals. I remember when I was probably about ten years old I had a pen pal, and writing letters back and forth with him was one of my favorite things to do. His name was Steve and he lived in one of those huge mansions that's so big it has a name. It was called the Louisiana State Penitentiary, and he told me it was even bigger than the mayor's mansion. We'd send letters back and forth and he'd ask me to send him my favorite books and small pieces of metal or wood that were lying around and all the money I could find in my house. And I'd gather them all up and put cute little stickers of cats on the packages and send them away. It was so fun. Eventually we stopped writing because I moved to another city and he moved out to live on his own. He called it "solitary confinement." I was always so impressed by his vocabulary.

I've always liked writing. I like the feeling of having a nice pen in my hand. It feels like I'm creating something when I put pen to paper, even if it is just a doodle of a flower or a note that says, "If you ever park in my spot again I will have your a.s.s towed." It's a nice feeling.

When you physically write something down you're forced to take time to actually think about what you're writing. We don't really do that anymore. Now we just press b.u.t.tons. We can delete things and change things at our leisure. We're so spoiled. Think about what cavemen had to go through when they wanted to write something down. They had to chisel it into stone. It probably took hours just to write "Dear Krog. Going out for bread. Be back in twenty. Glok." If they made a mistake they'd have to go out and find another flat stone and start all over. Who knows if they ever even made it out for bread. I do know they used to club each other over the head a lot, so I'm not saying we should do everything like the cavemen. I'm just saying n.o.body writes letters anymore.

Now everything is electronic and instantaneous. We e-mail, we text, we Facebook, we Twitter, Skype, instant message, iChat, blog, dance interpretively on YouTube. Every person who has a pa.s.sing thought, opinion, question, or answer can express it immediately on his or her computer, phone, laptop, tablet, or other portable electronic device that will be invented and revolutionize communication in the short window of time between my writing this book and it being published.

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn't just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, "I ate waffles for breakfast!" That's why so many people ended up in inst.i.tutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

Right this second, someone is probably reading this book and thinking, "I'm thirsty for tequila." I'm guessing that's what they're thinking because that's what I'm thinking as I write it. So that reader is going to take to their Twitter account and tweet, "Reading Ellen's hilarious new book. Thirsty for tequila." And if that makes people want to buy the book, I think that's great.

What's not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they're actually startled when the phone rings. It's like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, "What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?"

"No, it's Becky. I just called to say hi."

"Well, you scared me half to death. You can't just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don't the tips of your fingers work?"

It's even more awkward when we're face to face with people. It used to be exciting to make plans with friends because you could sit and catch up and talk about what's been going on in your lives. Now when you see someone there's nothing left to say. You've already seen the pictures from their trip to Rio on Facebook. You've read their tweets about the latest diet they're on. And they already texted you about the pregnancy scare. So you end up just sitting and staring at each other until you both start texting other people.

Whatever we do say has to be short because our attention spans are now about nine seconds long. We talk in short bursts. We can only read up to 140 characters at any given time before we're on to the next thing. We don't even have the patience to wait for Minute Rice. We've moved on to instant rice. Because really, who has time to wait a full sixty seconds for rice? I'll tell you who. n.o.body.

We have TiVo because we don't have the time or patience to sit through commercials. And we have on demand because we don't just want movies and TV shows available to us at any given moment, we downright demand it.

Just to give you a little example of how patient people used to be, did you know that the opening credit sequence to Mister Ed Mister Ed back in the early sixties was a solid minute long? (I'll give you thirty seconds to pull it up on your phone so you can see it for yourself.) People had no choice but to sit through the whole thing, and they loved it. They paid attention to it. "A horse is a horse, of course of course. And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is of course unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed!" And it keeps going, for almost a minute more. Now the opening theme song to a TV show is a guitar sting. "Ba-bow!" And we're inside someone's kitchen. back in the early sixties was a solid minute long? (I'll give you thirty seconds to pull it up on your phone so you can see it for yourself.) People had no choice but to sit through the whole thing, and they loved it. They paid attention to it. "A horse is a horse, of course of course. And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is of course unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed!" And it keeps going, for almost a minute more. Now the opening theme song to a TV show is a guitar sting. "Ba-bow!" And we're inside someone's kitchen.

Now granted there wasn't anything else for people to watch on TV at that time so they didn't have much of a choice. It was either sit through the theme song or play with a yo-yo.

I bet a lot more people read back then. I have to say it's impressive that you're taking the time right now to read this book. It's so rare for people to actually set aside time to curl up with a book and read. By the way, I don't know why you have to curl up to read a book, but that's what people say. You can't just say you're going to read a book because then someone will ask, "Well how are you gonna read it? What position will you be in?"

"I'm gonna curl up."

"Oh, good. So you're not gonna stand?"

"No, no. I'm gonna curl up."

"Okay, good. Hey, you're not gonna lay on your side, are you?"

"No. I promise. I'm just gonna curl up."

It's an awkward position to be curled up. I like to lie flat or try out a lot of different positions-I'm still talking about reading. We don't curl up to do other things. We never say we're gonna curl up and surf the Internet or curl up and knit. In fact, if you're curling up while you're doing anything besides reading you might want to look into Boniva.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, we lose focus, have no attention span, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. You know what-you can check out my Twitter page or go to my website for more information on this.

Dinner with a Psychic

A friend of mine recently told me she went to a dinner party with a psychic. It really struck me as a fascinating concept. It's one thing to go to a psychic and have a consultation, but it seems like a whole other thing to socialize with one. Could he read her mind the whole time? Did he know when the party was going to get boring? Did he know when they were going to run out of bean dip? friend of mine recently told me she went to a dinner party with a psychic. It really struck me as a fascinating concept. It's one thing to go to a psychic and have a consultation, but it seems like a whole other thing to socialize with one. Could he read her mind the whole time? Did he know when the party was going to get boring? Did he know when they were going to run out of bean dip?

Here is how I imagine the conversation went at dinner between my friend and the psychic. In this dramatic interpretation I will refer to my friend as "Susie" and the psychic as "Psychic."

SUSIE: Hi, I'm Susie. Hi, I'm Susie.PSYCHIC: I know. I know.SUSIE: How do you know Janet? How do you know Janet?PSYCHIC: I knew you were gonna ask me that. We met through mutual friends. How do you know Janet? I knew you were gonna ask me that. We met through mutual friends. How do you know Janet?SUSIE: We went- We went-PSYCHIC: Just kidding. I already know. Do you want me to pa.s.s you the salad? Just kidding. I already know. Do you want me to pa.s.s you the salad?SUSIE: Yes, please. Yes, please.PSYCHIC: I knew you did. Would you like more water? I knew you did. Would you like more water?SUSIE: No thanks. No thanks.PSYCHIC: I knew you didn't. I knew you didn't.SUSIE: Okay, well it was really nice talking to you. Okay, well it was really nice talking to you.PSYCHIC: You're going to have spinach in your teeth later. You're going to have spinach in your teeth later.SUSIE: Thanks. Thanks.PSYCHIC: I knew you were gonna say that. I knew you were gonna say that.

Ideas

There's a famous quote-"When genius strikes one must be ready to play, or they shall be at the mercy of the taskmaster." I don't know if you're familiar with it or not. Okay, I just made it up.

But while I was writing this book, a lot of my ideas came to me at all sorts of crazy times-out at dinner, in the middle of the night, even while hanging upside down on a Pilates machine. I never knew when a brilliant idea was going to hit me because my brain is working 26/7. Since I wanted to be prepared at all times, for the past year I kept a pen and paper on my person-don't worry about the specifics of where or how. And every time I had a great idea, I would write it down so I wouldn't forget it.

Here's an idea that came to me while I was hanging upside down on my Pilates machine eating dinner in the middle of the night. I think it will prove to you that genius can strike at any moment of any day.

Do you ever notice how people-Hang on, I can't make out that word. I think it says "smile." Does that say "smile"? No. Maybe it says "simile." Why would I write down the word "simile"? I don't even use that word in my daily life. Why would I write it down? Is that a "Q"? Or a "G"? I don't know what that says. Does it say "monkey"? I don't remember thinking about monkeys. I remember thinking about pineapple, but that does not look like pineapple. Actually, it kind of looks like a a pineapple. It just doesn't look like the word "pineapple." Maybe it says "Greenland." I was just thinking about Greenland. Or was it Iceland? Where does Bjork not live? Is this even my handwriting? Who wrote this? Is that blood? No, blood isn't light blue. It's definitely ink. What is that word? Astronaut milkshake? pineapple. It just doesn't look like the word "pineapple." Maybe it says "Greenland." I was just thinking about Greenland. Or was it Iceland? Where does Bjork not live? Is this even my handwriting? Who wrote this? Is that blood? No, blood isn't light blue. It's definitely ink. What is that word? Astronaut milkshake?

I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have written this chapter.

For the Teenagers

This chapter is 4 cool kids only. U NO WHO U R.

OMG. I'm so happy ur reading this bk. I no I don't no u, but u r so cool. LOL.Just want 2 say hi and how r u. What r u doin 2 nite? I M going out l8r 4 dinr w/frenz. I hope they r on time or I will b J.Here's a fun-e stor-e. 1 time I told my bro LYLAS. He wuz like whaaaa? And I wuz like J/K! LYLAB. It wuz 2 funny. He wuz like u r 2 much LN. 2 much. LMAO.N E way... do u like U2? I <3 u2.="" do="" u="" 2=""><3 u2?="" gjkle#*ojpok,="" lvorpa//%$#.="" ooops,="" i="" fell="" asleep="" on="" my="" keyboard!!!!!!="" omg!="" rotfl.ok,="" g2g.="" ty="" 4="" reading.="" kit.="" 6.="" ttyl.="" c="" u="" l8r.=""><3, e="">

For the Adults Who Don't Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To

This chapter is for the cool kids only. You know who you are.

Oh my G.o.d. I'm so happy that you are reading this book. I know I don't know you, but I can tell that you are so cool. Just thinking about the fact that I don't know you, but can still tell that you are cool makes me want to laugh out loud for some reason.Well, I just want to say hi and see how you are doing. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I am going out later for dinner with a few friends. I hope they are on time or I will be very, very sad.Here's a funny story that I think you'll enjoy. I remember there was this one time I was talking to my brother and I said, "I love you like a sister." And he looked at me incredulously and said, "What?!" And so then I said, "Just kidding! I love you like a brother." It was too funny. He was like, "You are too much, Ellen! Too much!" Just thinking about it again right now is making me laugh so much that I am actually laughing my a.s.s off. That's how funny it is to me. I am laughing my a.s.s off. Bye-bye, a.s.s!Anyway, do you like the band U2? I love U2. Do you like them also, the band U2, that is? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! Oh my G.o.d! I can't believe I did that!That is funny. That is actually so funny to me that I am currently rolling on the floor laughing. Previously, my a.s.s was falling off from laughing so hard. Now I cannot help but roll around on the floor because of how funny that is.Okay, I got up off the floor and now I have to get going. Thank you for reading this chapter. Please keep in touch. I am so happy right now. I will talk to you later. Who knows? Maybe I'll even see you later. For sale by owner.Love, Ellen

The Longest Chapter

You might be able to tell from its name, but I just want to make it clear up front that this chapter is the longest chapter in this book. So if you are planning on reading one more chapter before you go to bed or squeezing in one last chapter before you leave for dinner, this might not be the chapter for you to read right now. Because it's long. Very, very long.

If you'd like, I can tell you really quickly what it's about and why it's so long and then you can decide whether or not you want to keep reading it now or come back to it later. And trust me, I will not be offended if you decide to come back to it. I'm not that easily offended. Maybe if you said you didn't like my shirt or my shoes my feelings would be a little hurt, but otherwise I like to think I'm pretty tough. Plus, I'm the one giving you the option to either keep reading or skip it for now, so it would be weird if I was like, "Hey, why didn't you keep reading instead of going to your doctor's appointment? My feelings are hurt!" Because I'm giving you the option.

In fact, for your convenience I've made the next chapter of the book a short one. So you might want to skip ahead to that chapter and make that the last one you read before you put the book down, and then you can come back to this chapter later. Just don't forget to come back to it! Maybe you want to dog-ear this page or bookmark it or write a note to yourself so you remember to read it. I know folding the corner of a page ruins the aesthetic of the book and you might lose money should you ever try to resell it, but that's what makes life so difficult. It's the choices you make.

The reason this chapter is so long is because it's the most compelling chapter in the whole book. I'm going to tell you about something that changed my life forever.

That probably makes you want to keep reading! I don't mean to try and tempt you to stay. I would feel really awful if I made you late for a date with someone who could have been your future spouse were it not for your unattractive quality of being tardy.

It's just that I know people want to hear compelling things about me that I've never shared before. When I first started writing this book, people kept asking me, "What's in this book that I'm not going to hear anywhere else? Why should I read it? What's so special about it?" And I would always answer the same way. "Why don't you just buy the book because you love me, Mother?"

But I understand what people are saying. I know I'm on TV every day talking about my life. You can read about me online or in magazines. I have that blog about flowers that has over eighty subscribers. Y'all know a lot about me. But you don't know everything, and that's what this chapter is about.

And I certainly don't mean to make this chapter even longer by talking about how long it is. It almost feels like I'm making you wait and wait and wait and I'm never going to get to my point, and I a.s.sure you that's not the case.

But then again, maybe that's the lesson here. Maybe we all need to slow down and stop running from one place to another all the time. Maybe whatever you're about to do can wait. Sometimes waiting can be really good for you. As an example, it's always a good idea to wait at least a half hour after you've eaten before you go swimming. Some people say that's a myth, but I say better to be safe than sorry. I wait a half hour after eating before I go anywhere near water, and that includes swimming, bathing, showering, and panning for gold.

Obviously, there are some times when waiting isn't great. Waiting on hold on the phone can be annoying. Waiting for the results of an exam or on something like a pregnancy test can be very stressful, I would imagine. And what about how frustrating it is when you have to wait in line for the ladies' room? What takes so long in there, you guys?!

But at the same time, if you're waiting for something good like a new movie to come out or for your family to leave town, there's a feeling of antic.i.p.ation that can be very exciting. There's suspense and drama as adrenaline starts to rush through your body like a rocket or like the water that shoots down through those dirty waterslides at theme parks.

Right now you're probably wild with antic.i.p.ation. "What is she gonna say? What's her story? I can barely wait another second to hear something she's never told anyone!"

And by the way, thank you so much for waiting and reading this chapter all the way through. I have to say I would find it rude if you decided to skip ahead or put the book down after I explicitly stated that I was going to share something for the very first time that changed my life.

It's not like it's the only thing I'm sharing in this book that I've never told anyone. There's actually a lot in here that I've never shared before. I would say that nearly every single page has a new thought or a new idea or a new word that I've never before uttered. Here's one right now. Quoth. I've never said that word before. I've never talked about it. This is the only place I will ever mention or discuss the word "quoth."

Here's another thing: I'm allergic to penicillin. Bet you didn't know that, did you? That's because I've never told anyone that. Not even a doctor.

Here's another thing I've never talked about: I think it's weird that all dance cla.s.ses have to be taught in front of a huge gla.s.s window. It's the only business that leaves nothing to the imagination. Why no curtains? Why do they want people walking by and staring at them? I have nothing against leotards, but that's a lot of bits and pieces for my eyes to see when I'm just trying to get to the coffee shop next door.

Anyway, those are all things that I've never shared with anyone ever before and as purchasers of this book I hope you feel special that you are the only ones to have this information. Those aren't even part of what I set out to share with you in this chapter. Those are just bonus ideas.

What I really wanted to tell you is what seriously changed my life forever. I've never been the same since I first laid eyes on it and it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

It's the Swiffer.

You know what? That's it. I honestly thought it was going to take more time to explain how it changed my life, but I think you get it with that one word.

I guess this chapter isn't the longest chapter after all.

Tweet Chapter

An observation in 140 characters.

How come when you wipe up dust it's called dusting but when you wipe up a spill it's not called spilling? There's something to think about.

Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers

You're probably familiar with the famous sculpture of The Thinker The Thinker. It's a man sitting down with his head resting on his hand, and it was created by a French artist named Rodin in 1902. It represents a person deep in thought, contemplating the struggles and the heaviness of the world around him. I recently saw a replica of it in the garden department of Sears and it got me thinking.

There are obviously all different sorts of people in this world. That's what makes the world go 'round. Well, that and wind. But when I saw The Thinker The Thinker, I started to really think about thinking and I thought about this: There are two distinct types of people in the world-deep thinkers and not so deep thinkers.

Deep thinkers are people who ask a lot of questions, who are conscious about their actions, who seek reasons and explanations for everything they do and see and hear. Not so deep thinkers are people who litter. They're less aware of their impact on the planet. I mean, what year are you living in if you think you can still roll down your car window and toss garbage into the street? Maybe that was super awesome in 1968 but we can't do that anymore. It's not cool, man.