Seriously I'm Kidding Part 3

Meditation

Ahhhhh. Doesn't that feel better?

Guided Meditation

Let's begin by getting in a comfortable position.

Sit or lie down and close your eyes.

Or if you're driving, keep your eyes open and fast forward through this chapter.

Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn't that smell nice hopefully?

Now exhale through your mouth.

If you're on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose face you just blew in.

Quietly say, "I'm sorry I just blew in your face."

And relax.

Feel your breath moving through your body.

We're inhaling energy. And we're exhaling stress.

Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic... or flight delays... or bad service at a restaurant... or frustration with your boss... or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend... or money woes... or getting your car towed... or losing at Scrabble... or getting left at the altar... or finding out about a wheat allergy... or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer... or depression.

Don't dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.

Say good-bye negative thoughts. We'll see you another time.

Now relax your mind.

You're in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of gra.s.s and no ticks.

It's peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the meadow.

Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow. I shouldn't have said snakes.

Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there's someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don't be.

Today it's not annoying. Today it's peaceful.

Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that. You're floating. Are you scared of heights? Don't think about that.

Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don't care. Let your wallet go.

A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go. You didn't need that money.

You're floating peacefully above the meadow.

As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn't bite you. So you're breathing out relief.

Feel the energy around you.

Now you're floating above water. There's a creek in the meadow. Or it might be a brook. You don't know the difference, maybe there isn't one. You don't care.

Just picture the creek-brook. Its winding path piercing the meadow. The sun bouncing off the rocks. Don't think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.

As you approach the water you see a bridge. It's a bridge that leads to happiness.

To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape.

Now you have magical powers. You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.

As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.

It's unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.

Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don't let anyone take your cape. It's yours.

People will try to take your cape out of jealousy, but don't let them.

On the other side of the bridge, they're showing cla.s.sic reruns of The Love Boat The Love Boat.

Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.

Be careful and good luck.

Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won't

Never make your bed with a monkey in it.

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move your chair.

There's no attractive way to get a cherry pit out of your mouth.

When making a right turn onto a busy street, always check the crosswalk for children's imaginary friends.

Everyone looks better in fuchsia.

If you have portraits of yourself up all over your house, people are going to think you're conceited. Replace them with portraits of me.

When moving heavy objects, I know they say to lift with your knees. I've always found it easier to lift with my arms.

Rest rooms are not for resting.

When your eye twitches, it means your body wants you to wink rapidly at whomever is sitting across from you.

If you like winning, never play hide-and-seek with a chipmunk.

Answering every question with "You got it, girlfriend!" can apparently be irritating to others.

"Kerfuffle" is an actual word.

At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way.

American Idol, Or "If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, Don't Say Anything at All"

I have been a genuine fan of have been a genuine fan of American Idol American Idol since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it's always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room. since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it's always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room.

Everyone asks me about my time as a judge on Idol Idol. People want to know what it's really like to be there, what Ryan is like, and what Simon is like. I'll say this about them: Ryan is truly a workaholic. He never stops. You don't see this watching from home, but during commercial breaks he goes around the audience selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And as for Simon-you can't always believe what you see. I know he comes across a certain way on TV, but in real life-and I don't mean to shock you-he's actually completely hairless.

When I first agreed to do the show, I thought it was going to be a lot of fun because, first of all, what great seats. You're right there in the front row. You're seeing everything live as it happens. You get unlimited refills of Vitaminwater. It seemed like a terrific idea.

But then reality set in and things changed. My schedule got crazy. Pressure started building. Randy kept calling me "dude." It was just very different from what I was originally expecting. I guess if I had to sum up my experience in one word, it would be "funfficult." It was really fun, but it was hard.

To give you a little sense of what my schedule was like during that year, I can walk you through a typical day. Normally, I tape my talk show at four o'clock every afternoon. I have all day to prepare and rehea.r.s.e, and then from four to five I tape the show straight through. A little secret about my show is that I tape it a day in advance of it airing on television. So when you're watching my show, let's say on a Wednesday, it's actually Tuesday for me. Your today is always my tomorrow and your yesterday is my today. Your last night is my tonight and your tomorrow is my two-days-from-now. But American Idol American Idol is always live. So I think you see what I'm saying. I never knew what day it was or where the h.e.l.l I was. is always live. So I think you see what I'm saying. I never knew what day it was or where the h.e.l.l I was.

To accommodate my schedule during Idol Idol, we would tape my talk show at 2:30 instead of 4:00. That way we ended at 3:30 and I could jump in my car and drive across town to the Idol Idol studios. It was always very stressful to get there on time since it's a live show, but luckily I'm pretty good at maneuvering through traffic. You just have to drive on the less-crowded streets. Well, not streets. Sidewalks. studios. It was always very stressful to get there on time since it's a live show, but luckily I'm pretty good at maneuvering through traffic. You just have to drive on the less-crowded streets. Well, not streets. Sidewalks.

Once I got to Idol Idol, I would change out of my daytime talk show host outfit (casual chic), change into my prime-time outfit (judge's robe), and get prime-time hair and makeup (powdered wig, s.e.x kitten eyes, etc.). Then I'd run onstage for the five o'clock show. Everyone there seemed to have a very busy schedule, and I a.s.sume that's why Simon never had time to b.u.t.ton his shirt up all the way.

As hectic as my schedule was, the bottom line is that I don't like judging people and I don't like hurting people's feelings. That was the hardest part of being on that show for me. It was always easy for me to sit at home in my pajamas and critique performances, but when I was sitting at that judges' table ten feet away from kids who have put their heart and soul into the compet.i.tion and they're staring at me hoping I'll say something nice and Simon's sitting next to me caressing my leg under the table, it was just difficult. I felt awful saying anything negative, so sometimes I would end up saying things like, "That was great" when really I wanted to say, "Uh-oh."

And I know there's such a thing as constructive criticism, but to me that's still criticism. It's just criticism with a jaunty hat. You're still hurting people's feelings, and I don't like it. I don't do it on my talk show. I don't do it in life. I just don't do it.

One of the reasons I didn't like giving criticism was that a lot of the contestants felt as if Idol Idol was the end of the road. If they were eliminated, they thought it was all over. But that isn't the case. One of the good things about being there was that I got to tell them that there's a lot more waiting for them outside of was the end of the road. If they were eliminated, they thought it was all over. But that isn't the case. One of the good things about being there was that I got to tell them that there's a lot more waiting for them outside of Idol Idol. In fact, the next day I had each contestant on my talk show, where I introduced them to a whole other audience, and I loved being able to do that.

It's the same with every career and life decision. You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going. For me, I made a pit stop at Idol Idol; it was exciting, and I'm grateful for the opportunity. But then I decided it was best for me to move on. So I got back in my hovercraft and I kept going down the road. Now I have my own record label and I can discover and nurture new talent, and that feels great.

And I'm still a huge fan of Idol Idol. I watch it every single week. It's a great panel. Randy's been there from the very beginning. He's experienced and honest. There's the glamorous diva with the pretty hair and the jewelry and the gorgeous makeup. And then there's Jennifer Lopez, who doesn't look so bad herself. I love watching, and I'm happier now that I get to watch at home on my sofa with Portia and the only thing I have to judge is Portia's cooking. (That's just a joke! It's always delicious.)

Common Courtesy

I am never late. In fact, I'm usually early. This is partly because I believe in respecting other people's time, and partly because I forgot to turn my watch back after I went to Europe one summer. In a recent highly scientific study I conducted among friends, family, and cable repairmen, I discovered one thing to be true: Most people are always late. am never late. In fact, I'm usually early. This is partly because I believe in respecting other people's time, and partly because I forgot to turn my watch back after I went to Europe one summer. In a recent highly scientific study I conducted among friends, family, and cable repairmen, I discovered one thing to be true: Most people are always late.

I don't know when it became socially acceptable to be late. I imagine it started with the person who coined the phrase "fashionably late." What a terrible expression that is. I don't know who came up with it, but it was obviously someone smart enough to trick people into thinking that something is stylish when it is definitely not stylish. I'm a.s.suming it's the same person who invented culottes.

I remember one time Portia and I invited a couple over for dinner and they showed up two hours late. You read that right-two hours! One hundred and twenty minutes. Seven thousand and two hundred seconds late. We told them to come at 7:00, and they got there at 9:00. By the time they showed up, we ran out of firewood for the fireplace, our candles had melted completely down, and I was capital D-runk. To be fair, I was drunk at 4:30, but that's not the point I'm making.

If someone invites me to a dinner party and they say to be there at 7:00, I'll show up at noon. And if they're not ready for me, I'll use that time to go through their medicine cabinets. I would never be late because it throws off the whole plan for the evening. Everyone schedules dinner parties the same way. You call it for 7:00. You expect people to trickle in between 7:00 and 7:15. There's about eighteen to twenty minutes of small talk, some appetizers, and by 7:45 it's time to eat. You eat for about an hour, drink a magnum or two of Chablis, have a heated discussion about politics and/or the quality of the Look Who's Talking Look Who's Talking sequel as compared to the original, and by 9:00 you're yawning so people know it's time to find their coats. When people don't show up until 9:00, everything gets pushed back far too late. By the time we were ready for dessert, I was ready for bed. Literally. I had put in my night guard and taken all my clothes off. sequel as compared to the original, and by 9:00 you're yawning so people know it's time to find their coats. When people don't show up until 9:00, everything gets pushed back far too late. By the time we were ready for dessert, I was ready for bed. Literally. I had put in my night guard and taken all my clothes off.

I understand that sometimes people are going to be late. I can deal with someone being ten minutes late or fifteen minutes late. But once you hit an hour, you better have a really good excuse-like, you gave birth to a baby in your car. And if you're gonna be more than an hour late, you better show up with a litter.

What I've realized is that people don't care about common courtesy anymore. How many times have you held a door open for someone who walks right through it without saying thank you? How many times have you let someone into your lane of traffic without receiving the courtesy wave? I mean, who among us hasn't picked up a drifter only to be disappointed after they steal all the money out of your wallet when you thought they were looking for gum? We've all been there.

And not only are people rude, they have no boundaries anymore. I was in a public ladies' room recently because the Port-O-Let that's usually part of my motorcade was in for repairs. And the person in the stall next to me was talking on her cell phone. In the stall. In public. Not a care in the world. On the one hand, I was happy for her because I found out her son made the honor roll and her husband got a promotion at work. On the other hand, I didn't need to know that her rash turned out to be nothing more than bicycle chafing.

When I was growing up, you couldn't take your phone anywhere because it was tethered to the wall in the kitchen. If you were on the phone, you were only on the phone because there was nothing else you could do except maybe flip through an old cookbook or rifle through a junk drawer full of pennies. You couldn't even bend down to tie your shoe or you'd get choked by six feet of phone cord.

Now that we can take our phones practically anywhere, everyone is completely distracted while they're supposed to be having a personal conversation. Have you ever been talking to someone and you can tell they're not paying attention to what you're saying at all? They pretend they are because every few seconds they say, "Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Oh really? That's so neat." And you're like, How is it neat that I have the flu?

It's crazy to me that people don't realize we can hear what's going on in the background of wherever they are. I know you're watching television because I can hear Anderson Cooper and I know he's not your roommate. I know you're in the grocery store because I can hear that grapes are on sale. I know you're at the gym because someone is telling you to feel the burn. At least I hope you're at the gym.

Everyone tries to mult.i.task now and do twelve different things at once. I once saw a woman talking on the phone, putting on makeup, reading a newspaper, texting, and Twittering all at the same time. I went right over to her and said, "Hey! You need to focus right now. You are my therapist."