Scudder - Eight Million Ways To Die Part 32

She started turning a few tricks a week. She moved from Norfolk Street to a better block in the same neighborhood, then moved again to Ninth Street just east of Tompkins Square. She didn't have to work now but there were other ha.s.sles to contend with. She was beaten up once, robbed several times. Again she found herself thinking of calling her ex-husband.

Then she met a girl in the neighborhood who worked in a midtown ma.s.sage parlor. Donna tried out there and liked the security of it. There was a man in front to deal with anyone who tried to cause trouble, and the work itself was mechanical, almost clinical in its detachment. Virtually all her tricks were manual or oral. Her own flesh was uninvaded, and there was no illusion of intimacy beyond the pure fact of physical intimacy.

At first she welcomed this. She saw herself as a s.e.xual technician, a kind of physiotherapist. Then it turned on her.

'The place had Mafia vibes,' she said, 'and you could smell death in the drapes and carpets. And it got like a job, I worked regular hours, I took the subway back and forth. It sucked - I love that word - it sucked the poetry right out of me.'

And so she'd quit and resumed freelancing, and somewhere along the way Chance found her and everything fell into place. He'd installed her in this apartment, the first decent place she ever had in New York, and he got her phone number circulating and took all the ha.s.sles away. Her bills got paid, her apartment got cleaned, everything got done for her, and all she had to do was work on her poems and mail them off to magazines and be nice and charming whenever the telephone rang.

'Chance takes all the money you earn,' I said. 'Doesn't that bother you?'

'Should it?'

'I don't know.'

'It's not real money anyway,' she said. 'Fast money doesn't last. If it did, all the drug dealers would own the stock exchange. But that kind of money goes out the way it comes in.' She swung her legs around, sat facing forward on the church pew. 'Anyway,' she said, 'I have everything I want. All I ever wanted was to be left alone. I wanted a decent place to live and time to do my work. I'm talking about my poetry.'

'I realize that.'

'You know what most poets go through? They teach, or they work a straight job, or they play the poetry game, giving readings and lectures and writing out proposals for foundation grants and getting to know the right people and kissing the right behinds. I never wanted to do all that s.h.i.t. I just wanted to make poems.'

'What did Kim want to do?'

'G.o.d knows.'

'I think she was involved with somebody. I think that's what got her killed.'

'Then I'm safe,' she said. 'I'm involved with no one. Of course you could argue that I'm involved with mankind. Would that put me in grave danger, do you suppose?'

I didn't know what she meant. With her eyes closed she said, ' 'Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind,' John Donne. Do you know how she was involved, or with whom?'

'No.'

'Does her death diminish me, do you suppose? I wonder if I was involved with her. I didn't know her, not really, and yet I wrote a poem about her.'

'Could I see it?'

'I suppose so, but I don't see how it could tell you anything. I wrote a poem about the Big Dipper but if you want to know anything real about it you'd have to go to an astronomer, not to me. Poems are never about what they're about, you know. They're all about the poet.'

'I'd still like to see it.'

This seemed to please her. She went to her desk, a modern version of the old rolltop, and found what she was looking for almost immediately. The poem was hand-lettered on white bond paper with an italic-nibbed pen.

'I type them up for submission,' she said, 'but I like to see how they look on the page this way. I taught myself to do calligraphy. I learned from a book. It's easier than it looks.'

I read:

Bathe her in milk, let the white stream run

Pure in its bovine baptism,

Heal the least schism

Under the soonest sun. Take her

Hand, tell her it doesn't matter,

Milk's not to cry over. Scatter

Seed from a silver gun. Break her

Bones in a mortar, shatter

Wine bottles at her feet, let green gla.s.s

Sparkle upon her hand. Let it be done.

Let the milk run.

Let it flow down, down to the ancient gra.s.s.

I asked if I could copy it into my notebook. Her laugh was light, merry. 'Why? Does it tell who killed her?'

'I don't know what it tells me. Maybe if I keep it I'll figure out what it tells me.'

'If you figure out what it means,' she said, 'I hope you'll tell me. That's an exaggeration. I sort of know what I'm getting at. But don't bother copying it. You can have that copy.'

'Don't be silly. That's your copy.'

She shook her head. 'It's not finished. It needs more work. I want to get her eyes into it. If you met Kim you must have noticed her eyes.'

'Yes.'

'I originally wanted to contrast the blue eyes with the green gla.s.s, that's how that image got there in the first place, but the eyes disappeared when I wrote it. I think they were in an earlier draft but somewhere along the line they dropped out.' She smiled. 'They were gone in a wink. I've got the silver and the green and the white and I left the eyes out.' She stood with her hand on my shoulder, looking down at the poem. 'It's what, twelve lines? I think it should be fourteen anyway. Sonnet length, even if the lines are irregular. I don't know about schism, either. Maybe an off-rhyme would be better. Spasm, chasm, something.'

She went on, talking more to herself than to me, discussing possible revisions in the poem. 'By all means keep that,' she concluded. 'It's a long way from final form. It's funny. I haven't even looked at it since she was killed.'

'You wrote it before she was killed?'

'Completely. And I don't think I ever thought of it as finished, even though I copied it in pen and ink. I'll do that with drafts. I can get a better idea of what does and doesn't work that way. I'd have kept on working on this one if she hadn't been killed.'

'What stopped you? The shock?'

'Was I shocked? I suppose I must have been. 'This could happen to me,' Except of course I don't believe that. It's like lung cancer, it happens to other people. 'Any man's death diminishes me.' Did Kim's death diminish me? I don't think so. I don't think I'm as involved in mankind as John Donne was. Or as he said he was.'

'Then why did you put the poem aside?'

'I didn't put it aside. I left it aside. That's nitpicking, isn't it?' She considered this. 'Her death changed how I saw her. I wanted to work on the poem, but I didn't want to get her death into it. I had enough colors. I didn't need blood in there, too.'