School Room Humour Part 7

CHAPTER VIII.

A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION.

"_The Triple Alliance is Faith, Hope, and Charity!_"--EMMA JANE.

THE BEST SIDE.--A penny was the object in question. The children had examined its superscription--obverse and reverse, when little Polly shyly said, "I like this side best, teacher"--pointing to Neptune and the shield. "Why, Polly," demanded the teacher. "_Cause you can see the Queen riding on a bicycle!_"

JONAH'S PRAYER.--It was an infants' cla.s.s of forty children or thereby.

The young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils, and the children quite forgot they were engaged in work. Everything she said and did was real and right in their eyes, and her Bible stories were a source of wondrous delight. They would not have been astonished had they met Abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street. The head master, on visiting the room, found them all interested in the career of Jonah, and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell about the errant prophet. As he expected, he found the story familiar to them, and so, with the view partly of trying their power of expression and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars, he asked them to tell him Jonah's prayer while he was in the whale. Words to express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them, but one more vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus: "_Jonah just said, 'G.o.d, lat me oot o' this.'_"

"WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING ABOUT."--It is the venerable old question, "What is a noun?" that has drawn out the h.o.a.ry answer, "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing." Of course the inspector follows up with the almost equally antique "Am _I_ a noun?" and the little fellow tumbles into the creaking old trap with a cheery "Yes, sir." "Are you a noun?"

proceeds the inspector, and the "Yes, sir" of the reply shows very little loss of confidence. "Are all the boys in the cla.s.s nouns?" The st.u.r.dy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered, and the "Yes, sir" this time has an uncertain sound. Everything up to this point has been done in the most approved fencing style--three cuts up and one down; all the moves are as hackneyed as in the King's Knight's p.a.w.n opening. It is only when the inspector is about to effect Fool's Mate----But let me give it as it happens. _Inspector_: "What is a noun?" _Boy_: "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing."--_I._: "Am _I_ a noun?" _B._: "Yes, sir."--_I._: "Are you a noun?" _B._: "Yes, sir."--_I._: "Are all the boys in the cla.s.s nouns?" _B._ (a little doubtfully): "Yes, sir."--_I._: "And are all the boys running about in the playground nouns?" _B._ (brightening up): "Please, sir, no, sir.

_When they're running about they're verbs!_"

WHERE THE OSTRICH LAYS ITS EGGS.--A cla.s.s was being questioned by H.M.

inspector on the ostrich. He asked the size of the ostrich egg, but could only get "Very big" or "Very large" for answers, so he asked them to mention something that would show him _how_ big they were. After some hesitation, one boy put his hand up, and when asked, replied: "Please, sir, as big as your head." The inspector laughed, and then asked: Where does the ostrich deposit its eggs?" Again the same boy put up his hand and looked very anxious to be asked. When the inspector said, "Well, my little man, where?" the boy replied, "_Please, sir, in our school museum!_"

"SUFFIN' RED."--In Norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk "marters." This by way of prologue. A young curate spent twenty minutes explaining to a young cla.s.s what a martyr was. "Now," said he, "what is a Martyr?" The answer he received and did not expect was: "_Please, sir, suffin' red what you eat._"

"HE HASN'T TO EAT SWEETS."--"Now, Johnnie," said a teacher, "if I gave you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and yourself, how many would you give him?" "_Please, sir, none sir! Cos'

mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms._"

HE KNEW.--H.M. Inspector (examining village school): "What is the opposite of a 'spendthrift?'" No answer. "Well, what would you call a man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going?" Boy: "_Parson, sir._" [Confusion of parson who was present and had gained a reputation for close-fistedness.]

JACK'S PRAYER.--Little Jack's father was visiting London and Christmastide was approaching. He had promised to bring a toy train for his little son as a present from Father Christmas. The day that the father was to travel Jack prayed--

"G.o.d bless papa, and bring him home safely, _And--and--and his luggage_!"

UNDER A NEW NAME.--First cla.s.s had taken poetry for the year from Scott's "Marmion." In repeating simultaneously, one girl, whose understanding of the sense must have been very hazy, amused her cla.s.smates by repeating instead of--

"Where's Harry Blount, Fitz-Eustace, where?"

"_Where's Harry Brown which used to swear?_"

THE RAISON D'ETRE OF THE NOSE.--At a visit of one of the inspectors a "chat" had been going on with the babies about "The Elephant and its Trunk," and at the finish the H.M.I. pounced upon the accepted duffer of the cla.s.s with "Now, my dear, you shall tell me what your nose is for,"

and was staggered with the reply, "_Us haves it to wipe, sir?_"

A GOOD REASON.--A short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the blackboard, the first of which was "bird-cage," he asked the boys to give a reason for putting the hyphen between "bird" and "cage." After a short silence one boy, who is among the dunces, held up his hand and said, "_It is for the bird to perch on, sir._"

WHY THE KITTEN DIED.--Visit of grandma--both four-year-old twins at once: "Grandma, Ninny's dead." Grandma, surprised and sorry, "Poor Ninny, he must have been poisoned?" Great burst of grief from both twins. Then a sudden lull from one of them. "Don't cry, Ella; don't cry so much! '_He died to save us all!_'" [They had been to a children's service with the maid on Good Friday.]

WHERE THE SNOW COMES FROM.--The other day a master visited the infant room during a snowstorm. He was curious to know what ideas the little ones had of snow, and questioned them about it. One little girl of five volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But how does it get into heaven?" asked the master. "Please, sir, _the angels scratch it off their wings_," said the tiny tot.

BLISS.--_Teacher_ (word-building): "Quite right! L-i-s-s spells _liss_, and if I put 'b' in front what word do I get?" _Small Boy_: "Bliss."

_Teacher_: "Yes; but that's a new word to you, and so I must tell you what it means. It means _peace_ or _happiness_ or _comfort_. Now make me a sentence containing this new word _bliss_." _Small Boy_: "My big brother had a _blister_ on his toe."

FOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST.--Here are four replies that well repay consideration:--

_Antidote_: A silly ant.

_Oblivious_: Without a liver.

_Sciatica_: A sigh from the head.

_Anchorite_: A good man who anch.o.r.ed himself to one place.

WHY HE LAUGHED.--The master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick played upon him by one of his boys. At last he thought he had caught the offender and severely chastised him. To his surprise, the boy, instead of resenting the chastis.e.m.e.nt, burst out laughing. The master, in a tone of anger mingled with surprise, said: "How dare you laugh, sir? Why are you so doing?" The boy, trying hard to suppress his laughter, said: "_Cos, please sir, you are hitting the wrong boy._"

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.--A little Yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the following written version of "G.o.d Save the King":--

"G.o.d save are greasure King, long leave are n.o.ble King, G.o.d save are King.

Sened are Victoria, happy and glory us G.o.d Save are King."