School Room Humour Part 11

THE "EGG-CUPS."--I had set the cla.s.s, writes a teacher, an essay to write on "Good Manners." They had to think about it one evening and write it the next day in school. When correcting the exercise I came upon the following: "_When you have the egg-cups it is good manners to put your hand before your mouth and say, 'Manners before ladies and gentlemen.'_"

BALAAM AND THE a.s.s.--The story as reproduced in a South London boy's essay: "It was about an owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick, the donkey ran agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and no mistake and serve it right. Then the donkey began to speak and told him, and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style, and a angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly."

AN EXCUSE FOR LATE ARRIVAL AT SCHOOL.--The village tailor sent a note to the schoolmaster as his son James was very late one afternoon. The following is the effusion:--

"Schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth, He's not in fault to tell the truth, His mother is the greatest sinner.

She would not give the _kid_ his dinner."

DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following reply, writes a teacher, was received by me some years ago from a parent, evidently of a poetical turn of mind, in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's absence from school:--

"I'm full of wants and minus riches, Truth is, William has no breeches, I mean to buy a pair to-night, To-morrow he will come all right.

Accept this plain apology From, dear Sir, ever yours, E. B."

On another occasion I suspected William of truant-playing, and sent a boy to make inquiry, when immediately came back the answer:--

"At one p.m. was sent to school, So must have played the nick, If thrashing truants is a rule, With my leave, use the stick."

William is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ----.

FOUND OUT.--A school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who, instead of being at school, was wending his way to a public-house for a pint of beer. "How is it you are not at school, my boy?" said the man of law. "It's washing day, and I'm going for a pint of ale for my mother."

He let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house.

"Good morning, Mrs. So-and-so. How is it your boy is not at school this morning?" "Ah! bless you," she says, "the poor lad's ill in bed, and has been the past two days. I'm afraid we shall never rear him, for you see he's been delicate ever sin he was born." "Can I see him?" returned the officer. "Certainly, if you'll wait a minute till I see if he's awake.

He's had a bad night, and I should not like to disturb him if he's asleep." The good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and called out very softly, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, are you awake?"

Returning to the attendance officer she said, "You see, Mr. Schoolboard, Johnny's asleep, and it would be such a pity to disturb him." Just as she finished, in walks Johnny with the pint of beer. The old lady, to make the best of a bad job, threw up her hands and exclaimed, "_My dear Johnny, how did you get out? What a bad lad to get out of the bedroom window again, after all I've said!_"

A TRIFLE INCONSISTENT.--An excited woman rushed into school one morning holding a lad by the jacket collar. The moment she got inside she shouted out, "Now, master, here's a lad that's been playing the wag [truant], and I don't intend to leave this blessed spot until I see him skinned. Please, master, skin him alive! _I must see him skinned!_" she said. To make the best of a serious case, the master replied, "Well, I don't skin till ten o'clock, and it is only a quarter past nine yet, so you had better sit down till I'm ready." She took a seat, still holding the lad by the collar, and he went to his desk. In about five minutes she sent the boy to his cla.s.s, and coming up to the master, whispered very softly into his ear: "_Please, master, don't touch the poor lad, he's so delicate, you could almost blow him away with a breath!_"

JOHNNY WORKED THE CLOCK.--"Plese Sir dont cain pore jonny he as been keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as I would no the time so no more as it leaves me at present. ----."

BLURTED OUT THE TRUTH.--A mother came with a truant one morning and said, "Please excuse my boy, he has been ill the last fortnight." The master said, "Very good, let him go to his cla.s.s." The woman then turned suddenly round and, seizing the lad by the jacket, gave him a good shaking, saying at the same time, "_I'll break every bone in your dirty carcase if I've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this for you._"

THE POINT OF VIEW.--Overheard in infants playground. Little Girl: "_It's my grannie's funeral to-day. I've got threepence halfpenny and a packet of sweets already._"

A TRIFLE MIXED.--Poor Johnny had been on an errand for his mother and was consequently late for school. His mother, in order to coax him, prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness. The look on Johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about Johnny's going to school, and this is how the note read: "Dear Sir,--Please excuse Johnny for being late, _and kindly let me know if he hasn't been_."

SHE WAS SORRY.--A boy was absent from school. The teacher sent to his home to ask the reason. The answer came back that he was playing truant--sent by the mother. The next day the master made inquiries, and found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the boy's father, who was at home when the messenger arrived, to know that _she_ had kept him at home. During this time the boy himself was hidden in a cupboard. A few weeks after a similar occurrence happened, and a like answer was sent to the master by the mother. The next day the boy appeared with the following note: "Sir,--Sorry my boy was away yesterday, but he had to go to the hospital and was kept, and I never sent him yesterday, and _I was sorry to tell a lye like last time.

Please forgive me again._--Mrs. ----."

"THE LAVENDER."--"_Deer Sur,--Plese let Jon go to the lavender wen hever he wants as he as had some metson._--Yours truly, Mrs. ----."

"RES ANGUSTA DOMI."--In a village school in Devonshire the master had one morning been giving a lesson on the life of Jacob. Just as he was concluding he asked whether Jacob was rich or poor. Some stated that he was rich, while others held a contrary view. Eventually one of the lads who had stated that Jacob was poor was asked for his reason, and he replied as follows: "Please, sir, the Bible says Jacob slept with his fathers, and if he had been a rich man _he would have had a bed to his-self_."

THE POSTMAN.--"The postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the males at the station. Then he takes them to the G.P.O. where they are soughted out. Then he ties up his streets in bungles, and goes quickly from door to door, because the pa.s.sengers dont' like to have their letters delaid. On his way back, he collects the pillow boxes, and conveys them to the G.P.O. Inside the postmen they are stamping letters.

The postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and wear a uniform. He has a good time at Xmas I should like to be a postman then. He gets plenty of Xmas boxes and can read all the picture postcards."

EXACTLY.--The other week Standard V. were asked to write an essay on "My Home." This is how one boy commenced: "Our house is in Peel Green Road.

_It is on the left side going up, and the right side coming down._"

ON GIRLS.--By a boy.--"There are two sorts of children, boys and girls and of the two boys are the best. Girls cause all the rows and quarrels.

They think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in their hat. They are proud and vain and are always gossipping and making mischief. I simply hate them. They boast of what they can do, this that and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put. If there were no girls and women in the world, it would be a very peaceful place.

They love to sit and rest. Girls do vary from day to day. On washing days they think they are nearly killed. They would rather gossip half a day, than walk half a mile. Its no good, they are a bad race and deceitful. If your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back. Girls like to wear rings and think they are ladies. They bob their hair on the top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are pretty, but aint they just deceived. The young men have a hard job to find a good and hard working wife in these days. Girls are cowards and I never knew one to face danger. If a cow looks at them they run and cry.

Boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut, just the opposite to girls. Boys are also strong and useful while girls are timid, frightened weak little creatures. I would not be a girl for 10."

"YOUR GRACE."--A certain d.u.c.h.ess, well known for the interest she takes in the progress of education, once visited a school in L---- and began to talk freely to a mite in the first standard. Several questions were put to the child, to which the latter replied, "Yes, ma'am," or "No, ma'am." The teacher of the cla.s.s was annoyed at the frequency with which the scholar used the word "ma'am," and at last said, "You must say 'Your Grace.'" The d.u.c.h.ess laughed heartily when the child began, "_Lord, make us truly thankful, &c._"

ABOUT A "CINMATTERGRAF."--"We had a grand cinmattergraf at school on November 30th by Eddyston. Eddyston is America man. He invented to make it. Cinmattergraf works very fonny. If you swing a stone round it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet. If you are in a dark room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend.

The cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt. It is like a mager lantin. A cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles. The ribbing rowls off one rowler on to another rowler. The cinmattergraf was worked by angle.

It is like a soingnmersheen. It will play any song. The cinmattergraf talks like people. You cant understand what a gramophone says. When you light the oxgin it not give much light. When one of the things is burken the other blows in and it give bleu light. When the man shows the foters he has to put the lamp out. Because if he does not put the lamp out the pictures look shady. It is the light which helps to show the pictures.

The pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big. One picture that it showed was a woman laughting, and you could see every form her mouth was in. When all the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a mile long."

CONCERNING THE HORSE.--Standard III. boy's essay: "The horse does not belong to the cat tribe, because its paws are hoofs. It breathes with its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people.

There are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and worker horses and little welsh ponies. A mule is a horse with long ears and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey. You can see the age of a horse if you look in its mouth. It is defensive with its hind legs and when they kick you, you say, Woe."