Safe With Me Part 13

"I don't know," I say slowly. "I don't think that's a good idea."

She laughs. "You don't think it's a good idea'?" She says this in a high-pitched, mocking tone that makes me cringe. "Seriously? We do it all the time. Stores write this s.h.i.t off-they expect it to happen. It's not like we're hurting anyone."

"Still," I say, swallowing the anxiety that rises in my throat. I suddenly don't care about getting on her bad side because I realize something important. Hailey is, without a doubt, an idiot. I should have hung out with Noah in the computer lab. I hold out the top to her. "It won't fit me, anyway."

Frowning, she glances at the top, then back to me before s.n.a.t.c.hing it from my hand. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

"No," I say. "I just don't want to do it." I pause. "I'll wait for you outside, okay?" She doesn't answer, so I slip out of the dressing room and walk over to the jewelry display, wondering if my mom would like anything they carry here. I want to call her, to ask her to please come pick me up so I don't have to hang out with Hailey a minute longer-I even finger my cell phone in the pocket of my hoodie, ready to dial her number-but I can just imagine how that story would get twisted and told at school: She had to have her mommy come get her at the mall. Better I just hold my ground against shoplifting and make it through the rest of the afternoon as best I can.

"Those are pretty," Hailey says as she sidles up next to me, the jeans she tried on slung over her forearm. She must have seen me touch a pair of small sparkling silver hoops on the rack.

"Yeah, they are. I was thinking my mom might like them." I look over and see Jade by the cash register, paying for a couple of T-shirts. She looks up and waves at me with a knowing half smile on her face, and I wonder what she is wearing under her already bulky blue sweater-what items she's in the middle of stealing.

As I'm staring at Jade, Hailey takes another step and b.u.mps into me. "Oh, sorry," she says. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"That's okay," I say. "And I'm sorry, you know . . . if I was weird about that whole thing." I might not like her very much, but I still don't want to p.i.s.s her off.

"What whole thing?" she asks, widening her eyes and raising her thin eyebrows, throwing a quick, meaningful look over to the salesclerk.

"Nothing," I respond, realizing she doesn't want to talk about it, especially not while we're still in the store. I wait with her in line while she buys the jeans, holding my breath to see if the clerk notices the slight bulge beneath her shirt, but nothing is said, and after Hailey produces a black American Express card to make her purchase, we are on our way out of the store.

"See?" she says to me as we walk into the crowded corridor. "No worries."

"Totally easy," Jade agrees.

"I guess," I say, checking my phone to see if Noah has sent me another text. I'm rewarded by the sight of his name, which I'd added to his phone number after the first message he sent me during cla.s.s. When I click on the text, my stomach flip-flops again because he's written this: "I think UR 2 pretty 4 a geek like me." I stop walking and read the note again. I've never been told by anyone other than my parents that I'm pretty. Dirk doesn't count, because he's talking about a picture of a different girl. But Noah, he sees me . . . the real me. And I know it can't be easy for him to put himself out there like this, to ask me to hang out with him and send me this sweet text. Because he is kind of a nerd, but I realize that I like that about him. And then I realize why-because he's a bit of a misfit, like me.

I'm trying to figure out how to answer him when I look up to see that Hailey and Jade are about fifty feet ahead of me already, oblivious to the fact that I've fallen behind. No matter how I feel about them, I don't want to lose my ride home. I shove my phone back in my pocket and start to trot to catch up with them, just as I hear a man's deep voice call out behind me. "You! Stop, please," he says, and I whip around to see a large security guard making his way through the crowd, pointing a chubby finger right at me.

"Hailey!" I call out, speeding up my pace, b.u.mping into a few people around me. She stops and turns around with a bored, seemingly annoyed look on her face, but then she sees the guard and her expression flips into one of panic as she grabs Jade by the arm. And they take off without me.

For some reason, I start to run after them, even though I haven't done anything wrong. I wonder if being with them makes me an accomplice to a crime, if not telling the clerk what they were up to makes me just as guilty. My heart begins to race as I think about what might happen if my dad finds out that I got caught hanging out with girls who shoplifted. It's not like I knew they were going to do it, but that won't matter to him. I can hear his loud, angry voice, my mother's quiet pleas behind a closed door for him to calm down. And then the moment will come when she cries out before going totally silent. I see me, outside their room, knowing exactly what my father's done to her. Knowing it's my fault.

"Miss!" the guard calls out, snapping me out of this horrifying thought. "Don't make me chase you!"

Craning my neck to see over the crowd of people in front of me, I catch a glimpse of Hailey and Jade disappearing around a corner. b.i.t.c.hes. I stop running, realizing that it only makes me look like I have something to hide. The guard catches up with me, and I hold both my hands up, palms facing him, breathing hard. "I'm sorry," I say, hoping I can talk my way out of this. "I didn't know you meant me."

"And that's why you ran, right?" he asks, a smirk on his red, round face. He's breathing hard, too. "Do you mind showing me the contents of your pockets, please?"

"My pockets?"

He gives me an exasperated look. "Yes." He motions me over to the bench by the wall, and I do what he asks because I don't know what else to do. I look up, straining to see if Hailey and Jade have come back, but of course, they haven't. They're probably halfway to Hailey's car by now.

"I'm not sure what you're looking for," I say, pulling out my phone and then reaching into my other pocket for my small wallet. My fingers brush up against something sharp, and it takes a minute for me to identify it. The earrings. The ones I'd been admiring when Hailey stood next to me in the store, when I looked away from her and she b.u.mped into me. My next breath seizes in my throat. "I don't know how these got here," I stammer, taking them out and holding them in my open palm. "Seriously. My friend must have put them in there."

"Uh-huh," the guard says, s.n.a.t.c.hing them out of my hand. "You need to come with me, miss."

"No," I say, "you don't understand. I didn't take anything. I told them I wouldn't." Tears fill my eyes and my jaw begins to tremble. "Please. You have to believe me. I didn't do anything wrong." I consider telling him about my transplant, thinking it might win me some sympathy, but then he looks down at the earrings and back at me, clearly not believing a word. Well, here it is. My lies are catching up with me. And then, because there's nothing else I can say, I follow the guard down the long, narrow hall, terrified of what will come next.

Hannah

After Olivia leaves the salon, Hannah feels as though she sleepwalks through the rest of her appointments. She suspected there was something off about James Bell, but her mind reels after learning that he's an abuser. She can't get the picture of him hitting Olivia out of her mind, and the image infuriates her. Despite Olivia's a.s.surance that he's never raised a hand to Maddie, Hannah worries that it's only a matter of time before he loses control.

The mail doesn't come until almost the end of the day. When her final client leaves at six o'clock, and Peter and Veronica are both cleaning up their stations, Hannah rushes out to the mailbox. Rifling through the various advertis.e.m.e.nts and bills, she finally pulls out an envelope from Life Choices Northwest, immediately recognizing Zoe's tight scrawl. Blood rushes past her eardrums, and she grips the letter tightly as she makes her way back into the salon. Peter looks up from sweeping and smiles. "Going for a run?"

"Not tonight," Hannah says. Her throat is dry-it cracks on the words. "It's been a long day. Do you mind locking up?"

"Of course not," he says, though he gives her a strange look; it's rare for her to leave the salon before either of her employees. She waves and then heads upstairs to the safety of her apartment, locking the door behind her.

Once she sits on her couch, though, the letter in hand, she hesitates before opening it. She wonders if it will make a difference in how she feels about Olivia and Maddie, knowing for certain if they share the connection to her that Hannah suspects. If it will, in fact, give her any sense of peace. But curiosity takes over soon enough and she carefully tears the letter open.

It is typed, which Hannah didn't expect. Most of the other notes she received were handwritten on store-bought thank-you cards-brief but heartfelt expressions of grat.i.tude from the parents of the recipient-not the recipient himself or herself. This one is a little over a page long, double-s.p.a.ced, and typed in an elegant font. Hannah takes a deep breath, forcing herself to read the entire letter before looking at whom it is from.

h.e.l.lo, I know this letter is late-I know I should have sent it a long time ago. I don't really have an excuse . . . I guess I wasn't sure there was anything I could say to express just how grateful I am for the gift your daughter gave me. The gift you gave me. I was afraid I'd make you sadder than you already were. I'm really so sorry about your daughter. Every time I sat down to write, all I could think about was how nothing I could say would make it any better that she had to die so I could live. I still feel really guilty, to tell you the truth. It's not fair how this whole organ donor thing works, but my mom always tells me that life isn't fair most of the time so I should probably stop expecting it.

Well, anyway. I don't really know how to explain why I was afraid to write you this letter. It's hard to feel like I deserve something this amazing. I can only imagine what you've gone through. All I know about your daughter is that she was twelve and that she was. .h.i.t by a car. I wish I knew more. I wish I knew if she liked computers or boys, what her favorite foods were and what TV shows she liked to watch. I lay in bed sometimes at night, imagining getting to know her somehow, thinking that if she was a girl like me when I was twelve, we might have some things in common and it might be easier for you to know that I'm the one who she saved.

The truth is, I'm still learning how to be anything but sick. I've been in hospitals almost my whole life and now I'm out in the world, back at school, and even though it's totally weird and totally great pretty much all at the same time, it's only because you made the incredibly hard decision to let your daughter save me. Thank you seems too small a thing to say for something so huge, but that's why I'm writing you today. To say thank you for letting your daughter go so I can stay. I promise to live the best kind of life I can. I won't waste this gift-I'll do something big and good for other people whenever I can.

You don't have to write me back if you don't want to-if it's too hard or whatever. I understand. I just needed you to know that I'm grateful. What you did for me . . . what your daughter did for me . . . will never be forgotten.

Sincerely, Maddie It's Maddie, Hannah thinks. I was right-Emily saved her. Hannah's whole body begins to shake, and she grips the paper in her hand so tightly, she has to set it down for fear of ripping it apart. Maddie-sweet, funny, smart Maddie-wrestling with guilt for being the one who lived, worried that she didn't deserve it. Olivia had mentioned this before, but it didn't sink in for Hannah until just now-until she read it in Maddie's own words.

She goes over the letter a few more times, hearing Maddie's voice in her head as she does. She wonders how she can possibly tell them who she is now, knowing what she knows about their family, what James might do to Olivia for allowing Hannah into their life. She struggles to think of what words she should use and if she can find a way to say them. She longs for Emily so much in this moment-to curl up on the couch under a blanket with her daughter, to eat popcorn and watch a stupid movie with her, letting any worries quietly slip away. Emily was like a balm to Hannah when life wounded her, and now, Hannah has no way to soothe the p.r.i.c.kly ache of her pain.

With a shuddering breath, she carefully refolds the letter into thirds and puts it back in the envelope. After setting it on the table, Hannah rises from the couch and slowly walks over to the built-in bookcase next to the fireplace, standing in front of it a moment before finally reaching for the one photo alb.u.m she brought with her from the house. Its cover is distressed brown leather, similar to a bomber jacket, with thick, off-white st.i.tching along the edges. Her daughter is in its pages-shots of her as a baby, chubby, drooling, and sweet; as a toddler, hugging the teddy bear who, for no discernible reason, she named Steve. There are pictures of her with Hannah, Emily fast asleep in her mother's arms, pictures of Emily's first steps, her first dance lesson, her last birthday party. Hannah recalls the night of that party, when Emily asked her to please stay in her bedroom while she and her friends watched movies and ate pizza in the den.

"But what if you need something?" Hannah said, trying to hide her disappointment that her daughter didn't want her to be part of the celebration.

"We can get it ourselves," Emily responded with a sigh. "I'm not six anymore, Mom. I love you, but I just want to hang out with my friends." It had hurt Hannah, the ease with which Emily pushed her away, and now, she thinks that perhaps it was a mistake to create a life fulfilled only by work and time with her daughter. She wonders if after Devin cheated on her, she latched on too firmly to the promise of a child's unconditional love. She wonders if there even is such a thing.

Hannah opens the alb.u.m to the pictures she took that night-a smiling Emily when her friends arrived at the front door, presents and overnight bags in hand; the four of them standing around the fudge brownie ice cream cake Hannah had made, the light from twelve candles bathing their young faces in a warm but slightly ghoulish glow. She runs her fingers over Emily's face in the pictures, trying to remember how it felt to touch her daughter's perfect skin, and is shocked to realize she can't. She closes her eyes and tries to hear Emily's voice-her lilting giggle and slightly gravelly, melodious tone. "Stevie Nicks, Jr.," Hannah had jokingly called her, baffled as to why her daughter sounded a little bit like she'd been smoking cigarettes since she was a toddler.

These are the kinds of things Maddie might want to know about Emily, Hannah thinks, and suddenly, she knows she can't put off telling Olivia the truth a moment longer. She sets the alb.u.m back on the shelf and reaches into her purse for her cell phone. Olivia picks up on the second ring, her voice strung tight when she answers.

"Are you okay?" Hannah asks, hoping Olivia doesn't sound so stressed because she somehow discovered that Maddie wrote the letter. Would Zoe notify her parents? Would Zoe even know that James had forbidden them to contact the donor family? Maybe it was too late for Hannah to do the right thing.

"I don't know," Olivia says. She isn't crying, but her tone is definitely strained. "No," she continues. "I'm not. I'm at the police station."

"Oh no, what happened?" Hannah's mind races with ugly explanations for why Olivia might be there. "Did you call them? Are you hurt?"

"It's Maddie," Olivia says. "She went to the mall with some friends and got caught shoplifting. She swears it's a mistake, that she didn't take anything, but the guard found some earrings on her. I tried to talk them out of it, but the store is going to press charges and I'll have to tell James." She takes a heaving breath. "He's going to lose his mind, Hannah. I'm afraid of what he might do."

"Do you want me to be there when you tell him?" Hannah offers, thinking James would be less likely to harm his wife and daughter with a witness present, but also knowing that there is nothing she can do to protect Maddie and Olivia once they are alone with him.

"I don't know," Olivia says, and that's when she starts to cry. "I just don't know how I got to this place . . . It's so stupid. I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid," Hannah says gently. It makes her sick to know that James has convinced Olivia of this. She wonders if he also has something to do with what Maddie said in her letter-that she doesn't feel worthy of the transplant. The thought that he's made his daughter feel that she is somehow defective incenses Hannah. "Are you done with everything there? Can you take Maddie home?" Olivia says yes, and Hannah continues. "Okay, then. I'll meet you at your house. We'll figure it out when I get there."

"You don't have to come-" Olivia begins, still sniffling, but Hannah cuts her off.

"I know I don't have to," she says, her hand resting over the open pages of the photo alb.u.m. She thinks about Emily, if she had been the one arrested for shoplifting, how Sophie would be right there for her. Olivia doesn't have anyone else. It has to be me. "I want to."

Olivia thanks her, and they hang up. Hannah takes a few deep breaths, knowing that the last thing Olivia needs right now is to find out that Hannah has been lying to her, but no matter how hard it might be, no matter the price she might pay, it's time for Hannah to tell her who she is.

Olivia

Maddie is quiet on the drive home from the police station. Olivia tries to get her to talk, to tell her the last names of the girls she was shopping with so maybe James will have somewhere else to direct his anger, but her daughter stays silent until they turn the corner to their street and Maddie sees Hannah's car waiting for them at the gate.

"What's she doing here?" Maddie asks, uncrossing her arms from her chest and looking over to her mother with eyes puffy and red from crying.

"I called her and she offered to come over," Olivia explains. Her heart aches seeing her daughter's distress. "I need to figure out how we're going to tell your dad what happened."

"And you need Hannah to help you with that?" her daughter asks tearfully. "So I can feel even more humiliated than I already do?"

"Maddie . . ." Olivia says as she presses the remote on the visor to open the gate. She knows her daughter gets a little snotty when she's actually just scared, but a teenage temper tantrum feels like the last thing Olivia can deal with right now. James will be home soon, and Olivia has no idea how to talk with him about Maddie's arrest without it escalating out of control. The last time Olivia really had to discipline Maddie was before she got sick-it wasn't like she misbehaved much when she was bedridden or stuck in the hospital. When she did-when she talked back or threw a hissy fit before yet another blood draw-Olivia mostly overlooked it because Maddie was sick-she was ent.i.tled to act out. Punishing a sixteen-year-old for getting caught shoplifting versus punishing a six-year-old for coloring on the living room wall is a huge mental leap for Olivia.

"Never mind, Mom. You don't get it."

"Don't get what? I thought you liked Hannah." In front of them, Hannah drives through the open gate and proceeds toward the house. Olivia feels a strange sense of calm, knowing her friend is here to support her.

"I do like her . . . it's just . . ." Maddie shakes her head and looks away from Olivia again. "Nothing. Don't worry about it." Her daughter's bottom lip trembles as Olivia puts the car in park.

"Sweetie, I am worried. I'm worried about you, about why you'd hang out with girls who would do something like this."

"It's not my fault!" Maddie says. "It's not like I knew they were going to steal. They asked me to go shopping with them, not shoplifting! I said yes because I'm the new girl and I want to make friends. That's all. End of story. G.o.d!" She throws open her door and climbs out of the car, racing past Hannah to the front porch, using her key to enter the house.

"Is she okay?" Hannah asks as she approaches Olivia, who has also exited her car. Hannah glances around, a little nervously, it seems, tucking her black hair behind her ears. Olivia wonders if she's looking for James.

"She's scared," Olivia says, looking at her friend with tears in her eyes. She can hardly believe that it was only this morning when they sat in Hannah's apartment discussing the truth of Olivia's life with James. Now, she blinks a few times and tries to smile. "Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it."

"Of course," Hannah says, then hesitates as she had earlier in the day, opening then closing her mouth like she is about to say something else then thinks better of it. Olivia realizes this is something Hannah has done more than once since they met. She waits to see if Hannah will say more, but her friend remains quiet and they both follow Maddie inside, putting their purses on the entryway table.

"Maddie?" Olivia calls out, and her voice echoes. "Honey, please. Come talk with us. I'm not mad. I believe you, okay? I know you wouldn't steal. But we need to talk about all this." She looks to Hannah, who nods encouragingly, then Maddie appears at the top of the stairs, her arms crossed over her chest again. Hannah gives Olivia's forearm a quick, rea.s.suring squeeze.

"Talk about what?" Maddie says, still tearful. "How Dad's going to react? He's going to lose his s.h.i.t. That's how he'll react."

"Please don't swear," Olivia says, feeling helpless, mostly because Maddie is right. James will freak out over this, whether or not Maddie actually took those earrings. It won't matter to him that the other girl may have put the earrings in his daughter's pocket-what will matter is that Maddie got caught. What will matter is that he'll be furious she's done something that could make him look bad. Olivia has the brief, wild thought that they could simply pack their bags right now. They could climb in their car and drive away from this life and not have to deal with any of this. But where would they go that James couldn't find them? How would they survive?

Maddie throws her hands up in the air. "Why not? What does it matter? Dad's going to kill me, Mom. You know he will. He's never . . . it's always you . . . but now . . ." Her words stutter out of her, and Olivia knows exactly what her daughter is afraid of-that James will hit her now, too. A hot wave of guilt rushes through her for letting herself be fooled even for a moment that she'd managed to protect Maddie from her father's abuse. No matter how much Olivia has tried to hide his behavior, Maddie is still its casualty-collateral damage from a war quietly raging between her parents.

"Oh, honey," Olivia says, starting up the stairs, wanting to do nothing more than comfort her daughter, but then Hannah speaks, stopping Olivia in her tracks.

"Sometimes you have to stand up to a bully to make him back down," she says, and Maddie looks quickly at Olivia, then over to Hannah again.

"You make it sound easy," she says, her words stilted and slow.

"It's not," Hannah says. "But if you're prepared, if you have a plan of attack, you can do it."

Maddie still looks doubtful. "You don't know what he's like-"

"Yes, she does," Olivia says quickly, cutting Maddie off. "I told Hannah everything this morning."

"Told her what?" Maddie lifts her chin, challenging Olivia to admit what she's never acknowledged. She's let her body speak the truth to her daughter-her bruises and her tears-but she's never had the courage to say it out loud. It's time, she thinks. There's no use in pretending anymore.

Olivia takes a deep breath, holding it as the words tumble out of her in a ragged whisper. "That your father hits me." She stares at Maddie, imploring her to forgive her for not telling the truth sooner. Her daughter's expression softens, and Olivia knows she's done the right thing.

"We can call the police," Hannah says. "We can tell them you're afraid for your safety and they'll come."

At the thought of bringing the police in on the situation, every ounce of courage Olivia might have been feeling evaporates. She shoots Hannah a panicked look. "I can't," she says. "Not yet."

"When, then?" Hannah asks, sounding desperate. "When he breaks your bones? Or when he finally hits Maddie? Will that be reason enough for you to leave him?" She takes in a sharp breath and then continues, her hands balled into tight fists at her sides. "I know I said this morning that I wouldn't tell you what to do, but I was wrong. I was wrong because you still have your daughter, Olivia. She's bright and beautiful and kind and she's right here." She waits a beat, as though considering the wisdom of what she wants to say next. "Do you have any idea how much I'd give to have Emily with me again?" Olivia begins crying when Hannah mentions the death of her own daughter. Hannah continues. "Do you? I would do anything. Anything to have the chance to save her, to protect her . . ." Her voice breaks and she has to clear her throat before going on. "To keep her alive. This is your chance. You can either take it or not. But if you don't and James hurts her more than he already has-if he beats her the same way he's beat you-you'll regret it for the rest of your life. You won't be able to stop blaming yourself, not even for a minute. You'll know if you'd just done one thing differently, she'd be okay. I live with that feeling every day . . . knowing if I'd made different choices the day Emily died, she might still be here."

Olivia's shoulders shake as Hannah finishes speaking. Maddie rushes down the stairs and throws her arms around her mother. "It's okay, Mama," she says. "We'll figure it out and we'll be okay." Maddie glares at Hannah over her mother's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Hannah whispers, her shoulders slumped. "I shouldn't . . . it's not my place to talk like that to you . . . I just . . ." She trails off, and Maddie's gaze softens the slightest bit. She pulls back from her mother, and Olivia looks at Hannah through watery eyes.

"But you're right. We can't live like this anymore." She sniffs and takes Maddie's hand in hers, taking another calming breath before going on. "So I think it's best if we don't tell your dad about what happened at the mall today. He doesn't need to know." She turns toward Maddie and puts her hands on her daughter's shoulders. "Hannah is right. You are good and kind and smart and you deserve better than being afraid of your own father. I'm sorry I've let it go on so long . . . I just . . . I never thought . . . you were so sick and I didn't know how-" Olivia stumbles over her words, trying to find a good explanation for why she stayed with James. But maybe that's the problem. When it comes right down to it, there isn't one.

"I get it, Mom," Maddie says through her own tears. "It's okay." She glances over to Hannah, who is tearfully watching their exchange. Olivia reaches out a hand to her friend, but Hannah takes a step back from them, frowning with her blue eyes wide.

"What is it?" Olivia asks her, dropping her arm back to her side. She pauses. "I'm not angry with you, if that's what you're thinking. What you said about losing your daughter . . . how you'd do anything to save her and keep her safe . . ." She puts a splayed hand over her chest. "Oh my G.o.d, Hannah, that so hit home with me. I've been pretending like I have some kind of control over how James will react, like I can manage his behavior or turn it away from Maddie or whatever, but the truth is that even if I could, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't be with a man I'm afraid might beat my child." She drops her hand back to her side and takes a deep breath. "I shouldn't be with a man who beats me."

Hannah shakes her head, indicating that isn't what she's worried about. "I need to tell you something," she says. Her voice is thin and quiet. "Both of you."

Olivia freezes, suddenly apprehensive of what her friend might have to say.

"Tell us what?" Maddie asks, pulling away from Olivia and c.o.c.king her head to one side. "My dad's going to be home any minute. If we're going to leave . . ."

"I don't think we can leave tonight, honey," Olivia says, temporarily sidetracked from whatever it is Hannah needs to say. "I want to, but I think it would be better to plan a little bit . . . to figure out money and where we're going to live . . ."

"I need to tell you both something!" Hannah says again-loudly this time-and both Olivia and Maddie startle at her insistence. Hannah is breathing hard; her chest heaves and her entire body jitters.