Running With Scissors_ A Memoir Part 25

"Whatever," Brenda said. Then she opened the door and stomped inside. A moment later, the record came to an abrupt, scratchy stop.

Natalie leaned over to crush her cigarette on the porch. "I really was just like her. She's such a free spirit."

Freedom was what we had. n.o.body told us when to go to bed. n.o.body told us to do our homework. n.o.body told us we couldn't drink two six-packs of Budweiser and then throw up in the Maytag.

So why did we feel so trapped? Why did I feel like I had no options in my life when it seemed that options were the only thing I did did have? have?

I could paint my room black. I could bleach my hair blond. Or use Krazy Kolor to dye it blue. When Natalie pierced my ear one night with a hypodermic needle n.o.body complained. My mother didn't gasp and say, "What have you done to your ear?" She didn't even notice.

n.o.body ever told me what to do. When I was living with my mother and father, I could raise my mother's blood pressure just by moving one of the cork coasters on the side table an inch. "Please," she would say, "I have everything arranged the way I like it." But at the Finch house, I could hack a hole through the ceiling in my closet to connect to Hope's room upstairs and n.o.body cared. "You're a free person with a free will," Finch would say.

So why did I always feel so trapped?

I worried that my feeling of being belted into an electric chair was due to some sort of mental illness.

More than anything, I wanted to break free. But free from what? That was the problem. Because I didn't know what I wanted to break free from, I was stuck.

So I figured if I didn't have the answer, maybe somebody else did. And I decided that what I needed was a boyfriend. A boyfriend, I decided, would be my key to freedom. My ticket out. Of whatever it was I was in. A boyfriend, I decided, would be my key to freedom. My ticket out. Of whatever it was I was in.

It had been over a year since Bookman vanished. I had to move on. I was sixteen years old and single. It was pitiful.

As I sat on the midnight PVTA bus to Amherst, I scanned the male faces, looking for a potential boyfriend. My standards were high: anyone who looked back at me. n.o.body did.

As I got off at Converse Hall, I walked along the Amherst Common and then made a right. This would take me past the All-Star market where I could get cigarettes. As I opened the door I knew immediately that the course of my life was about to be changed forever. He was the cutest guy I'd seen on public transportation or in any convenience store in weeks. Maybe even months.

Nonchalantly, I walked into the store and headed to the back for a Diet c.o.ke. I felt this would give him a chance to see me in my Calvin Klein jeans. I was glad I'd worn the red sweatshirt with them. The sweatshirt made me look not quite so pale.

I grabbed a can and walked to the counter, casually pretending to be scanning the shelves. My heart was completely freaking out in my chest. It was pounding so loud, I worried he'd be able to hear it and think I had a heart condition and not consider me real long-term relationship material, but just a casual-s.e.x fling. And that was one thing I didn't want: NO CASUAL s.e.x. I thought it was disgusting, the idea of just s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around and then that's it.

I set the can on the counter and said, "And a pack of Marlboro Lights."

He gave me a friendly, sort of c.o.c.ky smile out of the corner of his mouth and reached above his head for the cigarettes. There were large wet stains under his arms and this excited me. I never sweated and this made me feel like a girl. I hated that I didn't sweat. Sometimes when Natalie and I went out for a walk in town, I would use her spray bottle to saturate the front of my shirt and under my arms. There were large wet stains under his arms and this excited me. I never sweated and this made me feel like a girl. I hated that I didn't sweat. Sometimes when Natalie and I went out for a walk in town, I would use her spray bottle to saturate the front of my shirt and under my arms.

"Nice out there tonight, huh?" he said, punching the keys on the register.

"Yeah, it's really warm."

"Too bad I'm stuck in here. And it's my birthday."

I was sure he winked when he said that. I was sure that he was thinking the same thing about me that I was thinking about him. I started to feel a small-but developing-feeling of love for him. I needed to think of how to prolong the conversation so he could ask me my name and then give me his telephone number or invite me to a movie at the Pleasant Street Theater. I hadn't seen Truffaut's last film and I wanted to. But I had too many thoughts in my head to think of anything to say and I was feeling weird standing there with my change in my hand so I said, "Okay, take care," and then I walked out the door.

I walked about twenty feet down the street and then I crossed to the other, darker, side and looked back. I could see him perfectly through the window.

And he was on the phone!

I was sure he was calling his version of Natalie, telling her that he'd just met this great guy but that he got away and now what was he going to do?

Well, I would solve that.

I raced the six blocks home and was heaving by the time I made it to the front door. I slid my key into the lock and quietly closed the door behind me.

My mother and Dorothy would be upstairs asleep. They didn't mind if I came over and spent the night without calling. But they didn't like it if I woke them up. Or if the light was on in their bedroom and the door was closed, I had to leave them alone.

I didn't turn on any lights until I made it into the kitchen. The first thing I did was open the pack and light a cigarette. I leaned with my lower back against the sink and plotted. I had an idea in my head, but I needed to polish the details. I needed to make it foolproof.

Then, as I was staring at the pilot light of the stove, I had the perfect solution. Immediately, I went into the dining room and opened the gla.s.s-front bookcase where my mother kept her pens and paper. I grabbed a pen and a small notepad, then I sat down at the kitchen table.

I wrote one draft of the note but my handwriting was awful so I wrote another. The next one was okay, except I signed my name weird, so I did it again. In the end, I wrote the note fifteen or sixteen times before I was completely satisfied.

Carefully, I folded the note in half and slipped it into the rear pocket of my jeans. Then I swiped my keys off the table and left the house again.

But now he had company. There were two girls and a guy, both around his age, in the store with him. He was throwing his head back laughing. I took a deep breath, made a face that I hoped looked casual and friendly and then I walked into the store.

At first, they all just went on talking. But because I just stood there waiting, he finally noticed me and said, "Oh, hey. You again. You forget something?"

I confidently walked up to the counter and his friends moved to the side to let me through. I handed him the note. "Happy Birthday," I said. Then I smiled and walked out of the store.

I did my crossing-the-street trick again, lurking in the shadows and watching.

I could see him turn the note over in his hand, open it and read it, then turn it over again. He pa.s.sed it to his friends, who pa.s.sed it between them.

Then I watched him make a shrugging gesture with his hands.

And then they were all laughing again.

My mortification was total and overpowering. I was suddenly having a very difficult time standing. I experienced a perfect note of utter and true clarity.

He was straight.

This was followed with the sound of my letter being read out loud inside my head, by my own voice: Hi.

I know this seems pretty weird but ... when I saw you tonight, I just got a really good vibe. I wanted to say something to you in the store, but I freaked out. I guess I'm kind of shy. But what I wanted to say is, that it was really nice to meet you and I wouldn't mind seeing you again sometime. The number at the bottom of this note is my mother's apartment. I live there part of the time and the other part in Northampton. She's cool, so don't worry about calling. I really would like to get to know you, but this is NOT a casual s.e.x thing. I'm not into that AT ALL. I guess I've been hurt before and don't want to get involved with that stuff again. I'm 16, but pretty mature for my age. Oh, and my name is Augusten but I probably should have put that first. Anyway, that's all. Take care pretty mature for my age. Oh, and my name is Augusten but I probably should have put that first. Anyway, that's all. Take care.

Augusten.

On the front of the card, I had written the words Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! in what I now realized was a dreadfully girly script. in what I now realized was a dreadfully girly script.

And then at the bottom, I had scrawled my mother's phone number. Now, as I walked back to her house, I worried that he or his friends would make crank calls. That they would call constantly and my mother would have to have her number changed. Dorothy would be furious and I would have to explain what I'd done. Once Dorothy knew that I did this, that I actually pa.s.sed this creepy note to a perfect stranger, she would tell everybody and then Natalie would know and if Natalie knew, all of the rest of the Finches would know, including Brenda. Brenda would tease me constantly and I would never hear the end of this.

It was a disaster.

I reached in my back pocket for my cigarettes but had forgotten to take them.

f.u.c.k.

Well, one thing was for sure. I would never, ever go to the All-Star market again for any reason no matter what. And if I was staying over at my mother and Dorothy's place and they needed me to run out and get something, I'd just have to walk farther, to the c.u.mberland Farms. Hopefully, they wouldn't need anything after midnight because All-Star was the only twenty-four-hour place in town.

But what if they did need something? What if I had to go in there?

Well, maybe he wouldn't be there that night. He probably wouldn't be. He was probably a student and had a lot of cla.s.ses. He couldn't work there every night because he had to study.

But what if he was working the night I had to go there?

By the time I reached the front door, I was a wired mess. I half-expected to see my mother and Dorothy waiting for me with their arms folded across their large chests. But when I walked in, the house was quiet.

I'd never felt so trapped in my entire life. And I did it to myself. I had made myself a prisoner, unable to walk on that side of the street ever again, go into that store.

I sat on the couch in the dark. Then I got up and went into the kitchen for my cigarettes and came back. I lit one and stared at the shadows of the African masks on my mother's walls, her pen-and-ink drawings behind gla.s.s frames, the shelves and shelves of books.

The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was n.o.body to tell you what not not to do. to do.

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN.

I.

T WAS THE SUMMER THAT P PRINCE C CHARLES MARRIED L LADY Diana Spencer and n.o.body could look at the television without thinking about Natalie. Diana Spencer and n.o.body could look at the television without thinking about Natalie.

"Jeez, you look just like her, Natalie, you really do," Agnes said as she sat back on the sofa rubbing her feet together at the bunions.

"Oh, yeah, right." Natalie lit a Marlboro Light.

"It's true, Nat. Maybe you should ask Kate to cut your hair like hers," Hope said.

"What's the matter with you people? I am not Princess f.u.c.king Diana. We look nothing alike."

Actually, they did.

Princess Diana was almost like a parallel-universe version of Natalie. A version that didn't give her first b.l.o.w.j.o.b at eleven, wasn't traded for cash by her father at thirteen and didn't long for a job as a counter girl at McDonald's. eleven, wasn't traded for cash by her father at thirteen and didn't long for a job as a counter girl at McDonald's.

"It's in the eyes," I said. "You have the same eyes. And there's something about your face that's a lot like hers," I said.

Natalie turned to me. "You think?"

"Yeah."

She punched me on the shoulder and smiled. "You're such a liar."

"No, it's true. You really do look alike."

She stood up and raised her chin in the air. "I am Princess Natalie Finch and you shall all kiss my royal a.s.s."

"Oh, sit down," Agnes said. "Don't get all high and mighty on us now. There's one thing that Diana girl has that you don't and that's a figure."

"Oh, Agnes, that's not nice," Hope said.

Natalie sat on the arm of the wing chair. "Are you saying I'm a fat cow?"

Agnes turned away and looked back at the TV. "I didn't call you a fat cow. You're just a bigger girl than that Diana."

"Well, I take after you," Natalie said.

Agnes shrugged and rubbed her toes together. "I'm no spring chicken, but when I was your age I had a very good figure. As a matter of fact, when your father and I first-"

"I can't believe you," Natalie said, smirking. "I can't believe you're calling your own daughter fat."

"I'm not calling you fat. I'm just saying that when I met your father-"

"Oh shut up, Agnes. n.o.body wants to hear another one of your stories," Hope said.

"Don't tell me to shut up. I have every right to talk. I have every right-"

"Hope's right. We don't want to hear you ramble on and on."

"Fine," Agnes said.

Natalie crushed her cigarette out in the ashtray that was sitting on the chair. "So tell me more about how fat and disgusting I am."

Agnes pretended she didn't hear. She stared straight ahead as NBC replayed highlights of the wedding. "What a beautiful dress."

"So you're disgusted by your piggy daughter. You don't approve?" Natalie taunted.

Agnes said, "And that's a lovely tiara."

Natalie got up off the chair and went over to the TV. With her big toe, she punched it off.

"Natalie!"

"What, Agnes?"

"Turn that television set back on. I was watching."

Natalie c.o.c.ked her head to the side and placed her hands on her hips. "No. Tell me more about how I disgust you."

"Leave her alone, Nat," Hope said, shifting uncomfortably on the other end of the sofa.

"You stay out of this," Natalie ordered.

"Fine, I will," said Hope. She picked up her white bible and began thumbing through the pages.

Seeing this, Natalie said, "What are you doing, Hope? Asking G.o.d if I'm a fat cow?"

Hope closed the bible and squared it on her lap. "Look, don't drag me into this, Natalie. I'm not the one who called you fat. This is between you and Agnes."

"So then, little Miss Biblethumper, stay the f.u.c.k out of it."