RoomHate Part 24

"I can't believe he would just not show up. Maybe he's stuck in traffic."

"Why wouldn't he text you then? That's f.u.c.king beyond disrespectful. He doesn't deserve a minute more of our time. He's better off not showing up at this point, because he'd get a punch to the face."

I started to pack up, feeling incredibly sad for Bea. Whether Adam was a part of our lives didn't matter to me, but it would surely matter to her someday.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. It was a text from Adam.

I was on my way but turned around. I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't do this. I'll send you money.

Justin took the phone from me and read the text. He shook his head in utter disbelief then looked down at Bea, who was still sitting there in her beautiful dress as she looked up at him. Justin had his knees up, and Bea was resting her back against the slope of his legs. Her tiny hands were enveloped in his large ones. My daughter was calm as a clam. She had no clue what that text meant for the rest of her life. She had no clue that her father had just abandoned her.

I was pretty sure she thought she was staring into the eyes of her father right now.

After a long moment of silence, Justin whispered, "He doesn't know what he's missing. He's a fool." He moved his face toward hers and said, "Well, we don't need him. Do we, Bea? f.u.c.k him!"

Even though he probably shouldn't have sworn around the baby, the most amazing thing happened. The second Justin said, "f.u.c.k him," Bea started laughing like she understood. It wasn't subtle, but rather a contagious belly laugh. When she suddenly stopped, Justin bent his head back then bobbed it down real fast as he repeated, "f.u.c.k him!" Again, she erupted in laughter. He did it again. "f.u.c.k him!" An even bigger laughing fit ensued. Justin and I were both in hysterics right along with her.

Tears were pouring out of my eyes, and I honestly couldn't have told you whether I was laughing or crying.

That evening, Justin offered to put Bea down for the night. His soothing singing voice carried all the way downstairs. I closed my eyes and meditated to the sound of him rocking her to sleep. The song he'd chosen was no coincidence: Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder.

CHAPTER 14.

The following week, it was the middle of the day, and Justin was upstairs working. Bea was lying on her belly playing in the living room while I paid some bills. There was a knock at the door. When I opened it, Roger was standing there with two medium lattes from Maggie's Coffeehouse. It had been over a month since he last visited.

"Long time no see." I smiled. Taking one of the drinks from him, I said, "You didn't have todo that. But it was time for my afternoon caffeine, so good timing." I waved my arm. "Come on in."

He knelt to greet Bea. "G.o.d, she's getting big."

"I know. She's going on six months. Can you believe that?"

"Time is flying."

"Yes...which is why I'm glad you stopped by. I was worried that Justin scared you away."

He sat down and spoke low, "Well, to be honest, I debated coming. Your watchdog is a little intimidating."

"I'm sorry he was rude the last time you were here."

"I'm a.s.suming he's still living here?"

"Yes. Justin's home now. He works remotely and is actually upstairs in his office."

"How long is he staying on the island?"

It was nearing the end of the summer, and Justin had given me no indication of his itinerary. Any time I would ask, he would say he wasn't sure.

"Actually, I'm not sure. He can stay as long as he wants because he owns half the house, so we really don't discuss it."

"Can I be a little nosey?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"Is something more going on between the two of you?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Well, a man doesn't bark at another man like that about his friend unless he wants her for himself."

"Justin and I have a very long history, but during all of it, we've never actually been together. We've never even kissed once in over a decade of knowing each other."

"Really..."

"He can be protective, but he doesn't want a serious relationship with me-especially now. He cares for Bea, but he doesn't want kids. He doesn't want to be with me."

Something about having said those words out loud made me incredibly sad-and angry. Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't Bea enough? Justin cared about us, but just not enough.

"Sounds like his loss."

"Some things are just better left the way they are."

"Well, now that you've cleared that up...can I ask you another question?"

"Yes."

"Would you want to go out this weekend? The jazz festival is happening downtown. I'd love to take you...and Bea. We could go during the day."

"I have to be honest because I don't know if you're asking me out on a date. I don't think I'm ready for anything serious. But I do enjoy your company. So, if there are no expectations, I would love to."

"I understand. We won't call it a date then. No expectations...just each other's company. It can get lonely out here on the island, and I feel grateful to have met you, to have found companionship at the very least. Even if it's nothing more than that, I'd love to take you out. You need to get out, Amelia."

"You know what? You're right. Let's do it. Let's go out." I smiled.

Slight wrinkles formed around his eyes when he grinned and said, "Sat.u.r.day then?"

"Sure. I'll see if Justin will watch Bea. If not, I'll take her with us." Deep down, I knew Justin was going to go ballistic. But this was necessary. If he didn't want me hanging out with other men, then he d.a.m.n well needed to explain why. If he wasn't going to give me affection, then I needed to get it somewhere else.

"It's really fine to bring Bea..." He winked. "Especially since it's not a date."

"We'll see."

Roger managed to escape the house without Justin coming downstairs.

When my roommate finally emerged later that afternoon, his mood was unreadable. He lifted Bea off the floor and tickled her belly with his hair as he spoke, "What do you feel like for dinner tonight?"

"Anything is fine."

Carrying Bea over to the cupboard, he scratched the overgrown stubble on his chin. "I have to figure out what we have." He glanced over to the trash bin, taking notice of the Maggie's Coffeehouse cup. "Did you go out for coffee?"

"No. Roger brought it this afternoon."

His jaw tightened, and his hand froze on the last item he was touching as he pondered that. "He was here?"

"Yes." I sighed. "We need to talk."

Justin closed the cupboard. "Alright."

Just say it.

"Roger asked if I wanted to go to the jazz festival with him this weekend. I told him yes."

He blinked a few times. "You're going on a date with him..."

"No."

"It's a f.u.c.king date, Amelia."

"I explained to him that I'm not ready to date."

"Oh, that's right. You're not looking to date. You're just looking for a casual f.u.c.k."

"It's just an outing."

He raised his voice. "It's not just an outing. He's a guy. I've seen the way he looks at you. He wants to f.u.c.k you."

Justin was really starting to p.i.s.s me off. My instinct was to scream at him, but I stopped myself. Instead, I just looked into his eyes-really looked into them. "What are you doing?"

I hoped he saw the pain and frustration I was feeling through my expression. Even though it was a simple question, I knew he couldn't exactly answer me. It was complicated. I don't even think even he understood why he was acting this way. But it had to stop.

Then, something in his eyes shifted. It was as if realization finally struck as to how unreasonable he was being. He didn't want something more with me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. He couldn't have it both ways. It wasn't fair, and I think in that moment it finally clicked.

"I don't know," he whispered, staring vacantly into s.p.a.ce. "I don't know why it makes me so mad. I'm confused. f.u.c.k. I'm...I'm sorry." He was still holding Bea and handed her to me before walking over to the window to stare out at the ocean.

I spoke to his back. "I was going to ask you if you could watch Bea, but I think it's better if I take her with me."

"No." He turned around, his hands in his pockets. "I'll watch her. You deserve to get out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Thank you."

That night, we ate in silence.

The Friday evening before my Sat.u.r.day date, I decided to go watch Justin at Sandy's.

Aside from playing with Bea, he'd kept to himself since our altercation about Roger. I guess a part of me was curious as to whether his mood somehow carried over to his performance.

Bea was asleep in her carrier when we arrived at the restaurant. Tonight they had Justin playing on the outdoor stage. He didn't notice me sitting in a far corner.

It was a breezy night. A few napkins flew off some tables, and Justin's hair was blowing around a little in the wind.

When he started a cover of Daughters by John Mayer, it squeezed at my heart because I wondered if he chose that song because of the situation with Bea and Adam. I also wondered if he was thinking of her. Most of the songs he'd chosen tonight were slow and melancholy, so much so that Bea slept right through them.

His first intermission finally rolled around. He still hadn't noticed us. He wasn't as observant of the audience tonight in general, seeming very much in his own head. He usually engaged much more with the crowd.

Just as I was about to get up and announce that we were there, an attractive young redhead made her way over to the stage. I watched for several minutes as she flirted shamelessly with him. My stomach was in knots. At one point, she handed him a piece of paper, which he put in his pocket. Whether he accepted it to be polite or intended to use it, I had no idea. Even though this type of thing probably happened every night, it still felt like I'd been sucker punched and killed any desire I had to stay for the next set.

Bea and I left, and Justin never even knew we'd been there.

The sound of punching could be heard coming from Justin's exercise room. As I got ready for my sort-of-date with Roger, it occurred to me that the last time Justin beat the s.h.i.t out of the Everlast punching bag like that was the night of my date with Dr. Danger last summer. This felt like deja vu.

I stood in the doorway and watched him attack the bag until he noticed me and stopped.

Out of breath, he said, "What time are you leaving again?"

"In about forty-five minutes. I just wanted to make sure you were all set to watch Bea."

He wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Yeah. I'll shower and be downstairs in time for you to leave."

"Thank you."

Wanting to make sure she had a full stomach before I left, I nursed Bea while Justin was taking his shower. She ended up falling asleep, so I put her in her crib before checking myself out one last time in the mirror. The jazz festival was a casual event, so I wore a simple tank top with a denim jacket and flowy floral skirt.

Back downstairs, I was waiting for Justin so that I could give him some last minute instructions. I started loading a couple of bottles of pumped milk into the refrigerator when I heard his voice behind me.

"She's asleep?"

"Yup."

"So what do I need to know?"

When I turned around, Justin was leaning against the counter, looking gorgeous. A few strands of his wet hair were falling over his forehead. He hadn't bothered to put on a shirt. My eyes couldn't help traveling down to his cut abs. His thumbs were hooked into the belt loops at his waistline. While his jeans were zipped, they were unb.u.t.toned at the top. I imagined what it would be like to lick a line straight down that happy trail. On top of that, he was barefoot.