Remix. Part 27

"Don't bother. Wherever he is, he's not with Ruby." Then he sucks in a breath and the change in his voice is as if he's flipped to a new song sheet. "I'm heading back to the arena, just came to grab some stuff."

His hands are empty.

"Which band are you seeing?" I ask.

"Three Letter Acronym." The Heavy Tent headliners. Owen offers to look for Ruby in the crowd before giving me an all-encompa.s.sing hug and telling me that the Kalinskis are a tough bunch and Ruby's the toughest of the lot. "She'll be fine, Kaz. The girl's made of Teflon."

Everyone seems so convinced that Ruby's fine and yet I can't shake the feeling that she isn't.

Once Owen's gone, Sebastian reaches over and pulls me closer to him.

"Is there anywhere else you want to look?" His fingers are calloused against my palm and without thinking, I turn his over to stroke the tough skin on his fingers and he laughs. "The price of playing too much guitar."

"I figured. I play too not as much, obviously." I turn my hand over and he mirrors the way I touched his.

It feels a lot like he might be about to kiss me...

"Coffee!" I shout in his face, then start walking backwards until my foot catches in a pothole and I collapse to the ground.

My ankle hurts.

Twenty minutes later and it still hurts, but at least I have the coffee I was so keen on. And Sebastian, on whom I am also keen. We're sitting up by the line of trees that stand guard across the highest hill of the campsite, the field below a constellation of campfires. Even though we can hear the cheers of a crowd we can't see and the catcalls tossed between the campers, the world feels peaceful, muted.

In this subdued bubble, I can hear Sebastian sip and swallow.

"I like it here," he says.

"Here on the hill? Here at the festival?"

"Here. In this moment. In this place." Everything he says makes me want to smile. "I'll probably use that in a song."

He sips his tea again and waggles his eyebrows, making me laugh.

"Nothing's sacred?"

"Not to a songwriter. Words, thoughts, feelings everything I see or hear or touch. All a song to be written."

He's beautiful. Not specifically to look at, but to be with.

Sebastian's looking at me carefully and I can see the subtle twitch in his eyes as he studies my face before meeting my gaze. The world recedes so far that there's only me and him sitting alone on a hill in a field that only exists for us to sit there. He puts his cup down in the gra.s.s and then brushes a thumb across my cheek, pulling back to show me the eyelash he's captured.

"I've stolen a wish," he says.

"Not stolen," I reply. "Saved."

"Very poetic. I'll steal sorry, save that too."

The eyelash is still resting in the whorl of his thumbprint, waiting for one of us to claim it.

"I'll let you have it," I say over the rim of my cup. "I'm generous like that."

Sebastian closes his eyes and blows my eyelash away across the field, his lips curved in a smile so private I'm almost embarra.s.sed to have noticed it.

I think I know what he wished for.

I think it's what I would have wished for too...

I am going to kiss this boy who isn't Tom and I am going to do it now.

Only what I actually do is headb.u.t.t Sebastian in the nose as he reaches for his tea, knocking the gla.s.ses from his face.

"Oh my G.o.d, I am so sorry!" I say. For a second I think he's crying until I realize it's laughter.

"I'm fine. It's fine. My nose is fine. You really don't need to apologize." But the fact that he checks his hand for blood when he lifts it away is far from rea.s.suring. (Although there doesn't appear to be any.) Replacing his gla.s.ses, he says, "Do you want to try that again?" He edges forward slowly to place a soft, cool kiss on my lips.

A slight hesitation and I kiss him back, lips pressing briefly before I withdraw.

That was nice.

But Sebastian reaches out, his fingers running along the b.u.mps of my braids, along the edge of my ear to rest lightly on my jaw.

"Again," he whispers and this time, the kiss isn't so soft but it's just as nice.

We stay like that, sitting, kissing in our bubble on the hill until we eventually have to stop. I'm cold and the other members of SkyFires keep calling to find out where their designated tour van driver has gone.

"I could stay," Sebastian says, kissing my cheek, then the lobe of my ear and my jaw.

I smile as I say, "No. You couldn't."

"You're right. I can't my friends would kill me." He stands up, pulling me with him until my lips reach his once more and I breathe him in. He smells like his songs.

When I pull back I feel giddy.

"Are we going to do this again?" Sebastian asks as he slides his hand into mine. Our fingers intertwine the way I always wanted to do with Tom and never did.

"Same time next year?" I'm making light of it, because I don't know how else to handle it.

"That's a long time to wait between kisses." Sebastian turns me to him and we stop on the path amidst a stream of people flowing from the arena.

"About two minutes and fifteen seconds, sixteen seconds..." I'm still talking as I press my lips to his and we smile through another kiss. And then another, until a pa.s.serby shouts, "Disgusting! That's what tents are for, mate!"

And I pull away, hot with humiliation, my mind full of thoughts of Mum's condoms and the horror of actually having a reason to use any of them.

"Out in the open is fine for me." Sebastian squeezes my hand.

"Me too." But my mind's moved on to what I have done in the privacy of a tent how much has happened since then and what will happen next...

"I really do have to go, Kaz." Sebastian kisses my cheek. "Although I wish I didn't. What's your number? Your email? Your address? Anything?"

Much as I want this to happen again, I worry that it can't not the way I'd like it to. Not until I'm free from Tom. For the first time today, Sebastian looks something other than confident as I refrain from answering his question. "You know I'm not someone who usually goes round plucking beautiful girls from the audience and kissing them, don't you?"

I can't help but smile. "Did you just call me beautiful?"

"You are."

Tom never once called me beautiful.

And it's the fact that I can't get him out of my head that's stopping me from handing over my number. I don't want to be like Tom, messing up my next relationship because I haven't recovered from the last. If I see Sebastian again, I want it to be because I want to be with him, not because I can't be alone.

It is not Sebastian's job to cure me of Tom. It's mine. And for that I need time.

"How about I find you?" I say.

"That sounds sinister," Sebastian says, but I kiss his joke away.

"SkyFires must have a website?" He nods. "With a contact form?" Another nod. "That someone regularly checks?"

"That someone would be me."

I kiss him again. "Then that makes finding you when the time is right easy, doesn't it?"

"When the time is right?"

This time it's me who nods, perhaps with a little more certainty than I feel.

"I hope that time is soon," Sebastian says.

30 * DARK BLUE

RUBY.

I hurry off the bus, nearly tripping over my boots because I haven't put them on properly. I stop, hand resting on the bonnet to balance as I kick my toes down into the ends. Could do without a broken ankle. Then I half run, half hobble, because I still haven't done up my laces, as fast as I can away from there, away from what I've just done. I'm short of breath as panicky sobs start swelling up and popping in my chest and throat.

That was a bad idea. All of this. So bad.

My breath comes in jagged gasps as though it's harder to breathe than it is to cry, as if I'm actually drowning in my own tears.

I can't understand why I'm acting like this. It was s.e.x. Just s.e.x. No big deal.

But I'm lying because s.e.x is a big deal at least to me.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to think, but a blank mind is just a blank canvas for the images of what I've been doing to flash up; the dark ink of his new tattoo pressing against the white of my skin; the twist of his mouth; the moment when it went from something I wanted to be doing to something I wished would end. And when it did...

"Knew you'd be quality," he'd said, grinning at me like we were the same, like I was the Ruby who flirted with him over beer and not the one hurriedly scrabbling for her clothes. Flirty Ruby would have laughed and told him he wasn't so bad himself.

That would have been a lie, just like the rest of it: the banter and the game-playing. "Quality" or not, I was only ever going to be another number and I wish with all my heart and soul that I hadn't been so stupid as to get caught up in it. For f.u.c.k's sake, that girl Kaya even said it...

"Idiot," I hiss at myself, pressing my wrists into my eyes to rub away the tears. I automatically lift my index finger to wipe a smear of mascara from under my lash line, but when my hand comes up to my face I can smell him on my fingers and I'm reminded of the disgust I felt at how grubby he was.

What was I expecting? He'd just come offstage. When exactly would he have showered? Where?

Thank G.o.d for Kaz's mum and her embarra.s.singly large box of condoms. Thank G.o.d I took one, thank G.o.d I used it. I hope I put it on properly...

Please don't let me have caught anything... Please...

I start imagining that I've got gonorrhoea or chlamydia or worse and I want someone to come and tell me that I'm being silly and not to panic and that we'll go to the clinic and get me checked out and there's nothing to worry about because I didn't give him a b.l.o.w.j.o.b despite the hints "It's not usually an issue". For all I wanted to feel special at least one tiny sensible part of me must have known that I wasn't...

There is only one person I want right now.

Kaz.

But when I pull my phone out of my pocket and try to unlock the screen, I realize that I've left it too late. The battery is dead.

It's a long walk up to camp, but I can't think where else to go. The journey is exhausting and when I get there, all I find is the dead ash of last night's fire and four dark tents. Without much hope, I open ours and look inside.

Kaz isn't here. The only other place she might be is the Tom/Lauren camp, but even now, even though my pride is officially at an all-time low, I still have enough not to want Lauren to see me like this.

Shame clutches at my stomach, followed rapidly by an actual physical pang.

When did I last eat anything?

I dip into the pocket of my shorts, but all I've got is my dead phone, some change and the keys to Owen's van. Crawling back into the tent, I hunt for the packet of beef jerky I insisted we bring...

There's voices coming closer and I snap into full alert, hoping for Kaz or even Lee, but it's only Dongle and Parvati. She's giggling as he kisses her. "Stop mauling me!" she laughs, before pulling him back for another.

I clear my throat and Parvati pushes Dongle away so hard he nearly falls into the side of next door's tent.

"It's just me," I say, then, "You guys seen Kaz or Lee?"

There's an uncomfortable pause in which they look at each other before shaking their heads in perfect time. Left, right, left, right, slow to centre.

"I'll leave you to it," I say and try for a kind of jock-like arm punch as I pa.s.s Dongle, but like everything about me, the gesture feels hollow and worthless. I head up the path towards Owen's van without looking back. I can't be here, in the tent, whilst Parvati's in Dongle's. Better to be alone in Owen's van with my beef jerky. And my misery.

The walk feels long. I'm weak and tired. There are a few people around, laughing, messing about by their tents and I find it hard to believe that away, in the distance, I can hear whoever's on the main stage. How is it not so much later? It's like time's folded in on itself and left me on the outside, looking in.

The car park looks different from yesterday different in a way that's more than just light and dark but once I get my bearings, Owen's van's not so hard to spot. All I want to do is open up one of the back doors, clamber in and shut out the world.