Remember When 3: The Finale Part 23

Chapter 30.

FINDING HOME.

I needed air.

I decided to go for a walk to try and sort some stuff out.

The ground had thawed while I was gone, and the rainy season was about to begin. I watched as little rivulets formed along the curb and dribbled down the street. Spring was well on its way, and I hoped its return would make everything new again. Maybe the coming season would be a good time for rebirth. Renewal.

Repair.

What the h.e.l.l was wrong with me? Here I had everything I'd ever wanted. No. Wait. Not just wanted, but prayed for, begged for, spent countless years hoping for. How dare I even question it? It took us forever to get there. It took us forever to just be in love, to give ourselves over to it. There it was. Right there in my hands.

And we were threatening to ruin everything.

Every person I had ever loved was still a part of my life. Except one. Trip had lost a parent of his own. Why were we punishing each other for abandonments we had nothing to do with? We spent more time condemning each other for stuff we didn't do, accusing each other of being people we never were.

If I weren't so focused on my fear, I could have seen that he'd done everything to show me that he loved me. h.e.l.l, he repeatedly said it flat-out, which, for him, let's face it, is a fricking miracle. What had I done to convince him that I did? I should have spent my time out there reveling in every joyous moment of having him back in my life. Instead, I pushed him about other women, I pushed him about his ex-fiancee, I pushed him about his father.

I pushed him away.

When he had never threatened to leave.

I swiped a tear from my eye and breathed in the mild, late-winter air. It was time to let go. Let go of my insecurity, my anger, my fears. It was time to let my life happen.

Everything that had gone wrong between us was due to outside forces and the stupid ways we went about dealing with them. It shouldn't have to be like that. It should only be about us. Our us had nothing to do with our them.

By the time I'd made the trek back to my block, I started formulating a plan to come back to him in some big way. I hadn't really settled on anything, because all my ideas seemed half-baked and insignificant. I needed something huge.

Out of pure habit, I jumped up to grab a leaf off my tree and sat down at the curb, turning it over in my hands.

And when I did... I noticed that something was written on it: I love you I ran back to the tree and noticed even more marked leaves, so I climbed up as quickly as possible (skillfully as ever, I might add), and sat my b.u.t.t in my old favorite spot. Every single leaf along the lower branches-every single one-had writing on them, and they all said the same thing: I love you My stomach just about burst into smithereens. I sat there, trying to catch my breath as I looked at the pieces of Trip's heart scattered around me. There I was, thinking of hiring a skywriter, and Trip had hired someone to do this.

I pulled my Nokia out of my back pocket and called him. I was actually hoping he wouldn't answer. If he didn't pick up the phone, it would mean he wasn't there. And if he wasn't there, then maybe he was...

"h.e.l.lo?"

No such luck.

I had barely said h.e.l.lo back when he launched in breathlessly, "Where are you?"

I pictured him sitting out by his pool, enjoying the warm weather, the California sun shining on his beautiful face. "Oh, you know. Just sitting in a tree."

He didn't say anything at that, and I knew it was major confession time. I had my reservations, but I owed him this. "I'm sorry, Trip. I should have just said I was sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you about your dad; I should have tried to be more understanding about your life out there."

I heard his release of breath, the breath he'd probably been holding for the past twenty-four hours. "I'm sorry I let you leave. I let you walk out that door thinking that I wanted you to go."

"I was a jealous lunatic about those other women."

"I wasn't exactly rational about seeing the way other men looked at you, either."

"I was a total b.i.t.c.h about your ex."

"So was I."

That made me laugh. I gripped the phone in my hand, wishing I could turn into vapor and slide right through the receiver to be with him.

"Look," I said. "We're not doing this anymore. If this is going to work, I don't think either of us should leave the room anymore if there are unanswered questions. I don't know if you've noticed, but we didn't used to be the best communicators. I thought we were making some pretty good strides in that department, when we could calm down and just talk about stuff. Even the fighting was better than just clamming up and wondering. I'm not going back to that. I'm not wasting any more time. If there's something that needs saying... we're going to say it. We've wasted too much time by not telling each other what we really mean. Got it?"

"Brain-vomit at every turn. Got it."

"And I swear I'll try to be more understanding about the fame thing. I'll lay off the tabloids. I'll be polite to your fans and your ex-s.l.u.ts. They don't matter to me. They have nothing to do with us. And I won't push you anymore about stuff you're not ready to face. I'll help you along, but I'll let you work on it at your own pace." I snickered and added, "Maybe we need a safe word or something."

"My ex-s.l.u.ts-and my sanity-thank you." I heard him chuckle as he added, "And yeah. You're right. There were times when we did pretty great with all that relationship stuff. I don't want to go backwards either. I'll try to stop exploding and start talking from now on."

Oh, G.o.d, was I in love with that man. Every part of him. I realized right then in that second that that love even included his past indiscretions, his present stubbornness about his father, his future fame. It was okay to just let that stuff be what it was. We were so much more than the sum of our parts.

"But even more important, it's time to let go, Trip. We need to let go of our bad habits from the past. Let go of the hurt. The hurt we caused one another, the hurt other people caused us. Can we do that? Do you think that we can try?"

Suddenly, a black truck screeched to a stop in front of the house, and Trip's voice was coming from two different directions. "d.a.m.n. The birds have gotten huge since I left town."

I watched his beautiful form walking toward me as my jaw dropped. I flipped my phone shut in a daze, my heart practically bursting out of my chest. "You're here! What are you doing here?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you're here to check out my vandalized tree. Wait. You got a cell phone?! And you learned how to have your calls forwarded?!"

He crammed a fist into the front pocket of his jeans as he laughed. "Well, who do you think did all this?"

"I thought you hired somebody. When did you do this?"

He rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. "Middle of the night. You have no idea how much self-control it took not to throw pebbles at your window."

I smiled, reminiscing at the sweet memory. "You really did this? You're such a jerk!"

"Call me crazy, but I was expecting a different reaction."

That made me laugh. "No, I meant I was just sitting here trying to think of something awesome to do for you, and you go and beat me to it."

"Guess I'm just more awesome than you. Why? What was your plan?"

I bit my lip. "It may have involved an electric guitar-playing clown singing 'Paradise City'."

"d.a.m.n. I would've liked to have seen that. Can we pretend I didn't do this leaf thing?"

"Like I could ever forget this." I jumped down from the tree and stood in front of him, feeling almost shy as I did so. "You're here."

"I'm here."

Holy b.a.l.l.s! He really was! It felt like way longer than just twenty-four hours since I'd seen him. I'd already gone into withdrawals. So much had happened in that time. So much still needed to happen before we could be okay. But I knew we would make things right. We'd get through it eventually; it just didn't have to be right then. Because right then, he was actually standing there in front of me.

All I ever needed from him was him.

We stood there, staring into each other's eyes as he spoke. "Look. I should've noticed that you were having a hard time out there. I should have put all those girls in their place for trying to make you feel second-rate. I should have stood up for you about that magazine cover; should have gone and kicked Fields' a.s.s instead of letting you think you needed to do it on your own. And I get why you made that deal. I get it now. I'm sorry you-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at 'd.a.m.n the birds have gotten huge'."

He looked at me in barely contained hysteria, his lips pursed together, stifling a laugh at my Jerry Maguire.

Oh, now I just needed to break him.

I exaggerated a shaky voice to repeat, "You had me at 'd.a.m.n the birds have gotten huge'."

At that, he cracked the h.e.l.l up, and I joined him before wrapping my arms around his neck and planting a big, sloppy smooch on his laughing mouth.

Trip pulled back, his hands smoothing up and down my arms. "You're right about how that outside stuff doesn't mean anything. The only thing that matters is us. Screw everything else." He brushed a hand through his hair, his eyes meeting mine in a sheepish grin to add, "We also need to stop relying on singing telegrams and Skittles and leaves on a tree to show what we should be telling each other instead. I guess I've always been afraid to put myself out there like that. I can jump off an exploding building, but telling you how I feel has always been even more terrifying. So I relied on things to tell you instead. If I had told you that day in your apartment... If I had just come right out and said that I loved you, you wouldn't have had any doubts. But instead, I sent that stupid lunchbox to tell you for me."

"If I hadn't been so dense and insecure, I would have heard you."

He smiled at that; a sad, happy, lopsided grin for all the things that had gone wrong between us, for all the things that had gone right. "You were right about another thing, though, Lay. You are my Rosebud. But not in the way you think. I'm not using you to try and get back to the last time my life was innocent and wonderful. Because you were a part of that, no doubt-a huge part of it-but only because I loved you then. And I love you now. You, not the slice of life you represent. I knew it that first day I saw you sitting in that desk in Mrs. Mason's, trying not to look at me while I introduced myself to the cla.s.s, and I never stopped. It's always been you and me, Lay, and I think you know that; or you would, if you'd get your head out of your a.s.s long enough to realize it. You know it's true. I'm trying to get back to you. h.e.l.l, I just flew clear across the country just to tell you this in person. I'd like to think I'm gonna get some credit for it."

I stood there staring into the pleading eyes of that incredible man, the tears streaming down my face. Aside from that whole 'head in my a.s.s' thing, it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever said to me.

That was, until the next thing he said to me.

He slipped a hand around the back of my neck, holding my teary eyes fixed to his. "You were my first love, babe. I want you to be my last."

I threw my arms around his shoulders, just bawling like a big sap into his neck. "I know you love me, Chester. I love you, too. More than anything." I kissed him then, my heart positively overflowing for the awe-inspiring man within my grasp. His arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me to him, crushing me against his length. I pulled back, looked right into those gorgeous blue eyes and saw the truth I'd always known: "I'm not me without you."

JULY 2006.

Chapter 31.

THE WEDDING DATE.

I was standing there, in my blush-colored gown, staring at the sliver of gla.s.s in the door of my church, checking out my reflection. My makeup... was perfect. My hair... was cooperating for once. Over the past year, I'd learned that that's all it took to look good: Lots of money to hire professionals.

The wedding ceremony was about to start, so I took my place at the back of the aisle. I looked to the front of the church and saw Bruce, so handsome in his tux, and shifted my gaze over to my father... standing at the altar. I peeked over my shoulder to find Sylvia just beaming gorgeously and looking as beautiful and happy as ever. Dad and she were finally making this thing official.

The music started, and I counted ten Mississippis before starting down the aisle. It wasn't difficult to keep a smile plastered on my face during my walk, but once I spotted Trip in the pews, I'm sure I looked like a complete doofus with my uncontrollable grin. Then again, he was smiling at me like I was the only person in the room.

Sitting next to him were Lisa, Pickford, and all three kids. The twins were getting ready to start Kindergarten in the fall, and I made Lisa promise me she'd always send them to public school. Where does the time go? I felt like it was only yesterday when we were in school, and now my childhood best friend was getting ready for her kids to start. Before we know it, those two will be in high school, living it up as hard as we did back in the day.

Lisa grabbed the baby's chubby fist and waved it at me as I walked past. Allison was just as beautiful as her big sister.

And her mother.

I said a quick prayer that all her children would be lucky enough in their lives to find a best friend as amazing as mine.

The reception was at the country club one town over. We were blessed with a perfect day-sunny and breezy-affording us the opportunity to take advantage of the outdoor party area.

By the time we made our way inside to the ballroom, we were stuffed from the endless fare of the c.o.c.ktail hour, and still had a whole sit-down dinner to look forward to.

I grabbed Trip out of his chair and pulled him onto the dance floor, figuring we could work off some of that food before Round Two of the feeding frenzy.

Plus, I just wanted to dance with him.

The floor was packed with the people I loved most in my life. Dad and Sylvia were dancing nearby, and next to them were Mr. and Mrs. DeSanto. Bruce and his new girlfriend were swaying to beat the band, Pickford was twirling Julia around in his arms, and Lisa had partnered with Caleb. Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Conrad decided to join in, and my cousins were there, too, along with a bunch of other family and friends that we didn't get to see too often.

Aunt Eleanor and I had a pretty big talk one day about my encounter with her sister. Well, I guess I did most of the talking. Aunt El spent most of our conversation with a sad smile glued to her face, tears br.i.m.m.i.n.g in her eyes as she squeezed my fingers off. I almost got the impression that she was more relieved to hear about my closure on the situation, rather than revel in the peace I'd hoped to bring her. Between Bruce's shoulder shrug, my father's non-reaction, and Aunt Eleanor's happy tears, I realized I was the only one out of the four of us who hadn't already let my mother go years before.

The wedding wasn't the first time my cousins had been back in the same room as Trip. A few months after The Tree, I'd brought him to my dad and Sylvia's engagement party. I'd given Stephen the heads up, but I was still worried about how the meeting was going to go down. My cousin had practically arrested Trip a few years back, and had expressed some initial concerns when he heard we were back together. We all had a long talk before dinner, and Trip and he had since found a way to make nice. I wanted any lingering awkwardness from that incident to be settled long before the wedding, and mercifully, it had been.

Because there I was, dancing with him once again.

He was spinning me around, crooning along to "Chances Are" as he did so.

He stopped singing to smirk out, "Hey babe? This place is no rooftop, but I guess we can cut one h.e.l.l of a rug anywhere, huh."

He pulled my waist in tightly against his side and dipped me backwards over his arm, planting a smiling kiss against my breastbone. I smacked his arm until he straightened us back up and then playfully chastised him. "You smoothy. Still working the moves on me? Don't you realize you already got me?"

"Oh, I realize. I guess I just still can't believe it." He spun me out and back in again as I giggled, watching one his eyebrows raise comically. "Should I have kept my distance that night instead?"

Every moment had led us here. Every second of our lives. Every beat of our hearts. The answer was a big, fat no.

I pursed my lips to keep from smiling. "Hey Trip?"

"Yeah?"

"I wouldn't have changed a thing."

He grinned wickedly at that, pulled me in close, and buried his face in my hair. I heard him take a huge inhale before he said, "G.o.d, Lay. What is that? Do you have any idea how many random shampoo bottles I've sniffed over the years, trying to find this scent? 'Cause I know what kind of shampoo you use, and that's not it. I'm beginning to think it's just you."

My shoulders started shaking, cracking up at his admission. I'd spent the same years sniffing bars of soap. Even during that first trip out to his California house, I'd come to the same realization that he had: It was just him.

It was always him.