Redemption Series: Redemption Part 20

A sigh slipped through Luke's clenched teeth, and he looked like he was about to cry. "He makes me so mad, Kari. I respect what you're doing and all, but part of me wishes you'd dump him and get on with your life. You deserve better."

Kari crossed the room and sat in the chair next to him, their knees nearly touching. "I know. I feel like that sometimes too." She willed him to see her point of view. "But I really believe he's 167 going through a stage, a bad time or a midlife crisis or something, and somehow we can get through it."

Luke studied her, and Kari saw that the hard edge was gone, even if he still struggled with her decision. "You believe it ... or you believe that's what G.o.d wants you to say?"

The air leaked from Kari's lungs as she sat back in the chair, her eyes still fixed on his. "I can't separate the two. What G.o.d wants is what I want. Without him in our marriage we have nothing, anyway."

He nodded. "That's what I thought you'd say." "You understand, right?"

"Not really." His eyes searched hers. "But these past few days, G.o.d's been on me every minute."

Kari smiled. "He has a way of doing that."

"He wasn't letting me off the hook until we talked."

Kari looked out the window. Though it was fall, temperatures hovered near the eighty-degree mark that afternoon, and after a week of cool weather Kari was glad for the change. She'd spent the past four nights at her own house and actually appreciated the solitude; it gave her time to follow Pastor Mark's suggestions. Since Tuesday she'd read a book about restoring broken relationships and written four letters to Tim, each of which she put in an envelope and placed on their dining-room table.

If Tim came home and she was gone, there was no way he could miss them.

She'd made some phone calls too. But since that first one, there'd been no answer at Angela Manning's apartment. Kari figured the woman had caller ID. She doubted they'd answer again unless she called from a pay phone or a friend's house-some number Angela and Tim wouldn't recognize.

Kari shifted her gaze back to Luke. Their parents were gone for the day, and Kari had decided to stay in the guest room for the weekend. Solitude was one thing, but after four days the loneliness, mingled with her fading morning sickness, had left 168 her practically desperate for the comfort and welcome of the old Baxter house-especially in light of Tim's silence toward her.

Her throat was thick as she tried to explain herself to her brother: "When I take my marriage to G.o.d, the answer is always the same." Kari glanced out the window again at the red and yellow leaves sifting down from the trees in their yard. "Somewhere around the corner, I believe G.o.d has something very good planned for me. But I also believe he wants me to honor the commitment I made to Tim, at least for now. Even if Tim isn't doing the same. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess." Luke's eyes still held a layer of bewilderment, as if the concept of standing by someone like Tim was as foreign as living on the moon. But he was listening, and that much made her feel better.

"Anyway ... I'm glad we talked." She leaned forward and jabbed her finger at his side, the place where he'd been the most ticklish since he was a boy. "At least I know my little brother still loves me."

A blush spread across Luke's cheeks, and he tossed the ball to her once more.

"Want to play? Out front ... like old times?" Kari laughed. "Maybe that's what I need."

"Get changed." He was out the door apparently without another thought to the depth of the conversation they had just had. She watched him go and remembered months when the two of them played basketball out front nearly every day, times when Brooke was away at college and Ashley was learning to play guitar and Erin was giggling with her friends. Back when Ryan was off at Oklahoma University and Kari was looking for ways to pa.s.s the time until his next visit.

She ran upstairs and put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. She was losing a heated game of H-O-R-S-E when Luke hit a Long-range shot, turned, and faced her straight on. "So what's the deal with Ryan Taylor?"

Kari grabbed the ball and dribbled between her legs. "That's 169 the nice thing about big families." She was out of breath but invigorated by the fresh air and exercise. "No secrets."

Luke used the toe of his shoe to point to the spot where he'd made the bucket, and Kari tried but tossed up an air ball. "H-O-R-S." Luke grinned at her. "Erin told me." The ball settled a few feet away from the basket. Luke jogged over, scooped it up, and did an underhand layup.

"The deal is nothing. Nothing at all." Kari took a bounce pa.s.s from her brother and made a similar shot. "Take that!"

Luke grabbed the ball and held it, turning his attention completely on Kari.

"Are you sure?"

At that moment a truck pulled into their driveway and parked fifteen feet from the basketball court. Kari knew the driver's profile as well as she knew her own. Her heart flip-flopped inside her. It was Ryan Taylor.

She watched Luke's eyes narrow as he studied the man behind the wheel. He pa.s.sed the ball to Kari. "Nothing, huh?"

Ryan climbed out of the truck and caught her eye as he came toward them. Lord, what's he doing here ... and why does he still move me after all these years?

She heard no holy response, just the thump of her heart beating twice as fast as before.

Ryan had nearly reached them when he pointed down the road. "Sign back there says there's a H-O-R-S-E tournament today." He held out both hands, and Kari pa.s.sed him the ball, feeling herself relax in his presence, as if no time had pa.s.sed since those companionable summers long ago. "This must be the place."

Luke grinned, and Kari saw on his face how much her brother admired Ryan.

"Kari's got H-O-R-S. I'm still clean. Pick your shot." Ryan winked at Kari and eyed the basket. "Let's see if we can't dirty up your record a little." He dribbled across the court, searching out the perfect spot.

Kari stood back some and studied him, keenly aware of the impact he had on her emotions, her memories. Whatever his 170 real reason for coming by this afternoon, he was keeping things light and at a surface level. If she hadn't known him so well, she would have thought there was nothing more to his visit than the chance to shoot a few baskets with some old friends.

A particular memory flitted across her mind, something her friend Mandy had said the year they graduated from high school. Mandy had been over at Kari's house that day, and Ryan had stopped by on his way back to college after a long weekend at home. The two had spent a half hour outside talking while Mandy stayed in chatting with Brooke. When Kari came back inside, Mandy clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and leveled a knowing look at Kari. "You and Ryan need each other the way most people need air."

Brooke had nodded her agreement. "I'll say this for you, Kari. What you and Ryan have isn't something that goes away with time. If you don't marry him, you'll spend a lifetime wishing you had."

The memory faded as Ryan launched a long-distance shot that slid down the center of the hoop without even slightly disturbing the net. He pointed at Luke, his eyes dancing. "Can't touch the rim."

The contest went on for half an hour before Luke finally emerged the winner.

"You guys take round two." He tossed the ball to Ryan. "I've got a poli-sci test to cram for."

Ryan bounced it back to Luke. "That's okay. Your sister would probably beat me, anyway." Luke laughed and took the ball inside, leaving them there alone. Ryan shoved his hands deep into his jeans pockets and gazed at Kari. "Want to take a walk?"

Be careful.

There it was. This time Kari was sure the silent voice was G.o.d's. He's just an old friend. But even as she tried to convince herself, she was riddled with guilt. Ryan had never been just a friend. Not when they were teenagers and not now. Brooke was right. What she and Ryan shared wasn't something that went away with time.

171 She clenched her teeth. Still, why couldn't she spend an afternoon with him?

I've been too lonely. I deserve this much. The uneasy feeling faded. Kari smiled shyly at Ryan. "That'd be nice."

There was a dirt road that ran parallel to the main highway behind her family's property. It separated the privately owned acreage on one side from a meandering creek and state park property on the other. Since the highway was so busy, kids had always used the road for bike riding and as access to the neighbors' houses.

Kari and Ryan had walked its three miles dozens of times before.

They set out south through the Baxters' backyard and didn't speak until they were headed east along the dirt road. In every direction the landscape was dressed in vibrant hues, set off by a brilliant blue sky. The smell of distant burning leaves hung on the gentle breeze.

"You left the prayer room in a hurry the other day." Ryan kept his eyes straight ahead as if he were taking in the serenity of the dirt road, the pristine beauty of the swiftly flowing creek to their right.

For just a moment Kari wanted to pretend she was single again, that she and Ryan still had a million options and a lifetime ahead of them, that she hadn't given up on him that day at the hospital, hadn't turned her love over to Tim Jacobs.

Hadn't married a man destined to do unspeakable things to her heart.

But there was no going back now, no way of undoing the past. Kari stretched her hands over her head, inhaled a full breath of clean Indiana air, and shrugged.

"I had a lot on my mind."

They walked a ways farther, and their pace slowed. Ryan nodded toward a place just ahead where an oversized fallen log lay along the creek bank, half hidden by overgrown brush. It was a familiar place, one where Kari and Ryan had often wound up when they needed privacy.

"Let's sit." He led the way toward the spot.

The sun was low in the sky, the temperature falling fast, but Kari nodded and followed him. When they were both seated he 172 searched for a rock and skipped it expertly across the water. "I already knew about Tim. Before the prayer room."

Kari frowned. "Who told you?"

"Ashley." He looked at her, and whatever casual pretense he'd demonstrated for her brother back at the house was gone. Looking at him now was like looking straight into his soul, and what she saw there made her wonder if she'd been wrong about him, if maybe he hadn't stopped loving her all those years ago.

Whatever his feelings, his eyes told her this much: His concern for her had not dimmed with time. She tried to focus on what he'd said. "Ashley told you?"

"She called me a couple of weeks ago and filled me in. The short version, anyway."

Ashley had called Ryan? Kari's mind raced, trying to make sense of the idea.

"What made her do that?"

Ryan picked up another smooth stone. "It was my fault." He skipped the rock and looked back at her. "I ran into her a few weeks ago at football practice. We were joking around, and I told her to give me a call if your husband ever left you high and dry."

Kari nodded and pursed her lips as her eyes followed a pair of squirrels playing on the gra.s.sy sh.o.r.e across the creek. "I see." "So in a way she kind of owed me the call."

Her eyes met his again. "You didn't act like you knew." "Yeah, well-" his gaze stayed locked on hers-"I had a lot on my mind."

"That's what you said." They were sitting several feet apart, but still Kari felt trapped in his gravitational pull, the same way she'd always felt around him.

He uttered a sad laugh. "The other day I didn't say half of what I wanted to."

He found her eyes again and waited a long while. "Don't you get it, Kari?" He sifted through the rocks near his feet until he found the right-sized stone and sent it skittering over the water. "The reason I needed to focus was because ever since I heard about you and Tim-" he shifted his gaze to hers-"ever 173 since I heard what your husband had done to you, I couldn't think about anything else."

"Other than .. ?" Her heart was pounding again, and if the holy warnings coursing through her mind had been audible, neither of them would have been able to hear above the noise.

"Ah, Kari girl." His voice grew soft, and Kari saw an overwhelming sorrow in his face. "Other than you."

The world began spinning out of control. It was one thing to guess at Ryan's feelings, but now, here in the seclusion of their special place, a place where they'd kissed and talked and made plans of forever, it was almost more than she could bear. She tore her eyes from him and stared at her feet. "I ... I don't know what to say."

Ryan slid over and took her hand tenderly in his own. "Don't say anything." He moved still closer, so that the sides of their arms were touching.

Lord, get me out of this.

My grace is sufficient for you.

Why was that verse playing across her heart so often? Grace? I need more than that, Father. I can't think with him so close, my hand in his.

There was nothing in response, and she closed her eyes, trying to get a grip on her emotions.

Ryan exhaled hard. "I know how you feel, what you want. I'm not trying to come between you and Tim." He ran his thumb over the top of her hand. "I just want you to know how I feel. How I've always felt about you."

Anger made its way up through the sea of desire within her. How dare he say he'd always had feelings for her? What about Dallas? What about that night at the hospital? Everything in her wanted to challenge him on his comment, make him go back with her to his accident and all the awful details of that terrible day.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then she closed it again. Going over the past now would prove nothing. It would do nothing but bring more pain. Still, she was grateful for the anger, which 174 helped her back off and remember what was important. She wriggled her hand free from his and crossed her arms. "How are you these days anyway, Ryan?" She forced a smile and saw that he read her eyes perfectly. There would be no more talking about how he felt about her, how they felt about each other, or anything that might remotely be linked to what they'd once shared.

She needed to win her husband back, not start an affair.

He c.o.c.ked his head. "Okay ... I'm sorry for bringing it up. I've never kept anything from you, and I thought"

Kari held up her hand and shook her head. "Don't, Ryan." Tears filled her eyes.

It wasn't her fault things hadn't worked between them. "I have to get back."

It was dusk now, and she was starting to shiver. Her entire body ached for Ryan to slip his arm around her, pull her close, and ward off the cold of the impending darkness, of her impending future. Instead, she stood and wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. Two tears made their way down her cheeks as she stared down at Ryan. "I can't explain it, but I want my marriage to work."

Ryan clenched his jaw, opened his mouth, and said nothing. He stood and gently pulled Kari into a hug, one that could have been taken only as an embrace between two old friends who'd found each other again. "I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted was to upset you."

The longer Kari stayed in his arms, the less platonic the hug felt. Finally she knew she had to pull away or face doing something she would regret for a lifetime. "We need to go."

Ryan didn't argue, and she knew it was because he was feeling the same way. They walked back to Kari's house while he entertained her with stories of his last season with Dallas. "So there he was, wrong-way Leonard, carrying the ball for all he was worth, headed straight for the opponent's end zone, and I'm seeing that no one, not a man on our team, is going to catch him and turn him around the right way."

He ran ahead of her a few steps to ill.u.s.trate the story. "I took 175 off as fast as I could, and finally at about the ten-yard line he saw me and froze, dead in his tracks. They replayed the thing a dozen times on ESPN." Ryan waited for her to catch up and then fell in step beside her again. "At that point the team gang-tackled him."

Kari laughed at the image of Ryan's poor teammate, and Ryan elbowed her in the ribs. "I can't believe it." He walked backward a few steps, studying her face.

"I actually made you smile."

She thought about what her life had become-Tim's affair, the pregnancy, the way Tim hadn't called except to say he wanted a divorce, the way she could not even consider letting herself have feelings for Ryan Taylor again, no matter how she felt.

It had been a while since she'd laughed.

Now she felt her cheeks grow hot under his gaze, and she pushed him teasingly in the chest. "Stop staring at me."

He fell beside her once more and spent the last ten minutes of the walk recalling stories and funny incidents from their past. By the time they were back at the Baxter front drive, Kari felt like she'd been given a new lease on life. She tilted her head as they walked up onto the porch, and she smiled at him. "It was good to see you again."

The silliness in his expression faded, and his eyes seemed to bore into hers.

"For me too." He hesitated. "Kari, I-"

She held up her hand. "Don't." They'd found their friendship again on the walk back, found a tenuous way to laugh and tease and enjoy each other's company without treading on the dangerous ground of attraction. She couldn't bear to hear him say again that he had feelings for her, especially now, when except for her faith and convictions, she would gladly have run off with him and never looked back at Tim Jacobs and the life he'd left her with. "I'm married, Ryan.

I'm planning on staying that way. Please ... be my friend. Nothing more."

His eyes grew wet, and she thought how rarely she'd seen him this emotional. It triggered something deep inside her, and her eyes, too, felt the familiar sting.

"I respect your feelings, Kari. I may not understand them, but I respect them."

He held out his 176 arms and hugged her quickly this time. "I'm here for you. Whenever you need me."

She thought about telling him she was pregnant, but something told her to hold back, as if sharing something so intimate might, cross a line she didn't want to cross. Instead, she blinked back her tears and smiled at him. "Thanks."

Then before he could say anything else, before she might toss her convictions to the wind and kiss him the way she was dying to do, she turned and disappeared into the house. She listened as he trudged down the porch steps, across the driveway, and into his truck. As he pulled away, she stole up to the guest room and shut the door, questioning whether she was losing her mind.