Real Life In London Part 10

At length, upon charging him with having been caught _blue-pigeon flying,_{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth--swore he'd fight him for all the _blunt_{4} he had about him, "which to be sure," said he, "is but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d----d to you--good luck to it! Here goes," throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his foot upon it, while he was _doffing his jacket_,{5} exclaiming--

"Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't spoil the King's picture by touching it--devil burn me, but I'll _mill your mug to m.u.f.fin dust_{6} before I'll give up that beautiful looking bit; so tip us your mauley,{7} and no more blarney."

1 Down upon the Kiddies--To understand the arts and manouvres of thieves and sharpers.

2 Boned--Taken or secured.

s Blue pigeon flying--The practice of stealing lead from houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general.

4 Blunt--A flash term for money.

5 Doffing his Jacket--Taking off his jacket.

6 Mill your mug to m.u.f.fin dust--The peculiarity of the Irish character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his operations in the true style and character of the prize ring, where

"Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother."

7 Tip us your mauley--Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to m.u.f.fin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to do it in an honourable way.

~87~~During this conversation, the spectators, who were numerous, were employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant Hibernian, who by this time had buffid it, or, in other words, _peeled in prime twig_,{1} for a regular _turn to._{2} All was noise and confusion, when a new group of persons entered the room--another capture had been made, and another charge given. It was however with some difficulty that honest Pat Murphy was prevailed upon to remain a little quiet, while one of the officers beckoned Dashall out of the room, and gave him to understand that the man in custody, just brought in, was a well-known _pal_{3} of the one first suspected, though they took not the least notice of each other upon meeting. In the mean time, another officer in the room had been searching the person of the last captured, from whose bosom he drew the identical handkerchief of Bob; and the Irishman recollected seeing him in the crowd opposite the Opera House.

This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culprits affected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the person who had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemed absolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as some new incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shall reserve them for the next Chapter.

1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig--Stripped to the skin in good order. The expressions are well known, and frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers of the fancy.

2 Turn to, or set to--The commencement of a battle.

3 Pal--A partner or confederate.

CHAPTER VIII

Houses, churches, mixt together, Streets unpleasant in all weather; Prisons, palaces contiguous, Gates, a bridge--the Thames irriguous; Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye, Showy outsides, insides empty; Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts, Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts; Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid, Lords of laundresses afraid; Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men, Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen; Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians, n.o.ble, simple, all conditions; Worth beneath a thread-bare cover, Villainy bedaubed all over; Women, black, red, fair, and grey, Prudes, and such as never pray; Handsome, ugly, noisy still, Some that will not, some that will; Many a beau without a shilling, Many a widow not unwilling; Many a bargain, if you strike it:-- This is London--How d'ye like it?

~88~~ON entering the Public Office, Bow-street, we must leave our readers to guess at the surprise and astonishment with which the Hon.

Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their lost friend, Charles Sparkle, who it appeared had been kindly accommodated with a lodging gratis in a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may readily be supposed, exactly suitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was wonder less excited in the mind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as unlooked for as it was fortunate to all parties. There was however no opportunity at the present moment for an explanation, as the worthy Magistrate immediately proceeded to an investigation of the case just brought before him, upon which there was no difficulty in deciding. The charge was made, the handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who ~89~~were well known as old hands upon the town, committed for trial. The most remarkable feature in the examination being the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this time had recollected that the man who was taken with the property about his person, was the very identical aggressor who had offended him while the hod of mortar was on his shoulder, before the conversation commenced between himself and Tom opposite the Opera-house.

"Sure enough, your Honour," said he, "its a true bill. I'm an Irishman, and I don't care who knows it--I don't fight under false colours, but love the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man with the _blue toggery_{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my stomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so _mizzled_{2} out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd have powdered his wig with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a little human kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then that there other dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman--long life to your Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)--was houlding a bit of conversation with Pat Murphy, _grabb'd_{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let me into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling--Stop thief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and I boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go, says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter."

As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followed them. "Arrah," said he, "my lads, as I have procured you a lodging for nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gave me; it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps you may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spending money that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep you out of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save

1 Blue toggery--Toggery is a flash term for clothing in general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat.

2 Mizzled--Ran away.

3 Grabb'd--Took, or stole.

4 Shewing a leg--or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg- bail--making the best use of legs to escape detection.

~90~~you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}--there, be off wid you."

The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat, could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and the advice which accompanied it. "Here," said he to himself, "is a genuine display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, the effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much boasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who have visited the Emerald Isle." And slipping a sovereign into his hand, after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them taking an arm of Sparkle, they pa.s.sed down Bow-street, conversing on the occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary appearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting.

"How in the name of wonder came you in such a sc.r.a.pe?" said Tom.

"Innocently enough, I can a.s.sure you," replied Sparkle--"with my usual luck--a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2}

"... 'Twas waxing rather late, And reeling bucks the street began to scour, While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait, Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour."

1 Horse's night-cap--A halter.

2 A bit of gig--a lark--a turn up--are terms made use of to signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house, and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit--a prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. "Go it, my boys," says one of the latter description, "keep it up, huzza! I loves fun--for I made such a fool of my father last April day:--but what do you think I did now, eh?--Ha! ha!

ha!--I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was d.i.c.k the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire--done up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy--and what does I do, but I goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him, and that makes me laugh so--Ha! ha! ha!--it was what I call better than your _rappartees_ and your _bobinates_. I'll tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man--for I do loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man--Hallo, Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want your dog?--Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said to the blind man--Then go and look for him, old chap, says I--Ha! ha! ha!--that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep it up, d---- me. That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a Parson--I always do; and my brother he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him, on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and that was fun alive 0. And so there was n.o.body in the room but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I never swore so well in all my life--I swore all my new oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; till at last my brother looked frightened, and d---- me that was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to Heaven, and calls out _O tempora, O mores!_ But I was not to be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I don't care for you, nor your family neither--so stow it-- I'll mill the whole troop--Only bring your Tempora and Mores here, that's all--let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the Gas in a flash of lightning--I'll box 'em for five pounds, d---- me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they?

My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to-- I never laugh'd so in my life--he made but two steps out of the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye think of that for a lark, eh?--Keep it up--keep it up, d---- me, says I--so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I could--then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and broke all the empty ones--then bid adieu to Tempora and Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and plummy order, d---- me."

"Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtaken at the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion Harry Hartwell, pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has taken up his abode. Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he studies too much, and pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of Law Cases, Blackstone's Commentaries, and other black books, to qualify himself for the black art, and as fit and proper person to appear at the Bar. The length of time that had elapsed since our last meeting was sufficient inducement for us to crack a bottle together; ~92~~so taking his arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking over past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, when I sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandoned my original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner of Leicester-square, my ears were a.s.sailed with a little of the night music--the rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in prime twig,{1} were mustering from all quarters.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping]

"The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to the immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half a dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these guardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence of the Baccha.n.a.lian G.o.d, which invigorated her arm, without imparting discretion to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that the old files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were fearfully against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused, than when I beheld a st.u.r.dy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head with his rattle, which in all probability, had it taken the intended effect, would have sent her in search of that peace in the other world, of which she was experiencing so little in this. It was not possible for me to stand by, an idle spectator of the destruction of a female who appeared to have no defender, whatever might be the nature of the offence alleged or committed. I therefore warded off the blow with my left arm, and with my right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3} which sent him piping into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded and charged with a violent a.s.sault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with the guardians of the night in the execution of their duty. A complete diversion took place from the original object of their fury, and in the bustle to secure me, the unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or how, heaven

1 Prime twig--Any thing accomplished in good order, or with dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is considered to be in prime twig.

2 Old Jiles--A person who has had a long course of experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file--a rum file, or an old file.

3 Conk--The nose.

4 Charley--A watchman.

~93~~only knows. Upon finding this, I made no resistance, but marched boldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's watch-house, where we arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door.

"Take her in, d----n her eyes, she shall _stump up the rubbish_{2} before I leave her, or give me the address of her _flash covey_,{3} and so here goes." By this time we had entered the watch-house, where I perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, with a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease.

A crowd of Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other symptoms of a row, together with several casual spectators, had gained admittance, when Jarvis entered, declaring--By G----he wouldn't be choused by any wh----re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'em come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: "And so please your Worship, Sir"--then turning round, "hallo," said he, "Sam, what's becom'd of that there voman--eh--vhat, you've been playing booty eh, and let her escape." The man to whom this was intended to be addressed did not appear to be present, as no reply was made. However, the case was briefly explained.

"But, by G----, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again," cried Jarvey.{4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrences adverted to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home without interruption. The representations of the Charleys proved decisive against me--in vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity I felt of protecting a defenceless female from the violence of acc.u.mulating numbers, and that I had done no more than every man ought to have done upon such an occasion. _Old puff and swill_, the lord of the night, declared that I must have acted with malice afore-thought--that I was a pal in the concern, and that I had been instrumental in the design of effecting a rescue; and, after a very short deliberation, he concluded that I must be a notorious rascal, and desired me to make up my mind to remain with him for the remainder of the night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for bail, a.s.suring him of my

1 Scouts--Watchmen.

3 Stump up the rubbish--Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or find money.

3 Flash covey--A fancy man, partner or protector

4 Jarvey--A coachman.

~94~~attendance in the morning; but was informed it could not be accepted of, as it was clearly made out against me that I had committed a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that time could be produced that would prove satisfactory. Under these circ.u.mstances, and partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome in other quarters, I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could not very well avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, I soon fell fast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional entrances and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, when a sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each one depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation.

Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the effect of emanc.i.p.ating me from my confinement, which was likely to be prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feel my situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by the watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to _turn in_,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd out, which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of a gentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to make herself useful in obtaining it. "But Lord," said he, "there is no such thing as believing any body now-a-days--there was such sets out, and such manouvering, that n.o.body knew nothing of n.o.body."