Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 9

Gellman, Marc. Does G.o.d Have a Big Toe? Does G.o.d Have a Big Toe? (New York: HarperCollins, 1989). (New York: HarperCollins, 1989).

Tells the Bible stories in a humorous fashion. A sure-fire hit with the kids.

Hastings, Selina. The Children's Ill.u.s.trated Bible The Children's Ill.u.s.trated Bible (New York: DK Publishing, 1994). Tells the stories of the Old and New Testaments with excellent ill.u.s.trations. (New York: DK Publishing, 1994). Tells the stories of the Old and New Testaments with excellent ill.u.s.trations.

Birdseye, Debbie Holsclaw, and Tom Birdseye. What I Believe: Kids Talk About What I Believe: Kids Talk About Faith Faith (New York: Holiday House, 1996). This book presents six different kids from six different religious backgrounds to tell the story of what they believe. (New York: Holiday House, 1996). This book presents six different kids from six different religious backgrounds to tell the story of what they believe.

Osborne, Mary Pope. One World Many Religions: The Way We Worship One World Many Religions: The Way We Worship (New York: Random House, 1996). Excellent world map and time line. A fair look at all religions. (New York: Random House, 1996). Excellent world map and time line. A fair look at all religions.

Prothero, Stephen. Religious Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know- Religious Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know- and Doesn't (New York: HarperCollins, 2007). Chapter 6 gives clear definitions for religious terms. Best for parents to get a clear understanding of concepts to put into kid language. (New York: HarperCollins, 2007). Chapter 6 gives clear definitions for religious terms. Best for parents to get a clear understanding of concepts to put into kid language.

McGowan, Dale, et al. Parenting Beyond Belief Parenting Beyond Belief (New York: AMACOM, 2007). (New York: AMACOM, 2007).

The Glossary in PBB is an excellent source of definitions for religious terms.

OABITAR (Objectivity, Accuracy, and Balance in Teaching About Religion) www.teachingaboutreligion.org OABITAR provides excellent information and guidelines for teaching about religion in the public schools. There are lesson plans available and guidelines for 93 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief teaching about religion versus religious teaching. It also defines the important distinction between teaching about religious holidays, which is permissible, and celebrating celebrating religious holidays, which is not. A helpful site for parents and lay people as well as teachers. religious holidays, which is not. A helpful site for parents and lay people as well as teachers.

Unitarian Universalism www.uua.org Unitarian Universalism (UU) is a creedless, socially progressive denomination consisting primarily of self-identified humanists. UU fellowships have youth programs that can fill the need for a group experience for teens. They have a year-long s.e.xuality program called Our Whole Lives, a Coming of Age Program, and youth groups that focus on social justice work. It is lonely to be out there in the midst of the religious majority, and teens like to travel in groups.

The Unitarian Universalist Social Justice Committee has a program called Just Works that provides opportunities for young people 16 and older to go on social justice trips all over the United States to help those in need. For more details, email [email protected]

Separation of Church and State Freedom from Religion Foundation. Accessed July 10, 2008, from www.ffrf.org Americans United for the Separation of Church and State. Accessed May 4, 2008, from www.au.org ACLU Students' Rights resource. Accessed May 4, 2008, fromwww.aclu.org/ studentsrights/index.html Notes.1. The Pluralism Project at Harvard University: www.pluralism.org.

2. ABC News poll, February 2004.

3. Based on polls by the Gallup organization, 20052007.

4. American Religious Identification Survey, Graduate Center of the City University of New York. Accessed March 11, 2008, from www.gc.cuny.edu/ faculty/research_briefs/aris/aris_index.htm. 2008 projected. 2008 projected.

5. American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS), Graduate Center, City University of New York.

94.

6. Op. cit.

7. It should be noted that as many as 10 percent of those affirming belief in G.o.d nonetheless refer to themselves as "nonreligious."

8. The most recent European Values Study measured the percentage of self- identified religious believers in European countries, including Germany (47%), United Kingdom (38%), France (34%), Norway (32%), and Swe- den (23%). Yet all of these populations rank far higher than the United States in all measures of religious literacy.

9. Calkins, Lucy. Raising Lifelong Learners Raising Lifelong Learners (New York: Da Capo, 1998). Mentioned as well in Chapter 1 Resources, this is a brilliant and well-written book for parents wishing to raise curious, inquisitive kids. Not to be (New York: Da Capo, 1998). Mentioned as well in Chapter 1 Resources, this is a brilliant and well-written book for parents wishing to raise curious, inquisitive kids. Not to be missed.

10. Address to Atheist Alliance International, September 29, 2007.

11. It should be noted here that the Girl Scouts organization is quite different from Boy Scouts, having gone out of its way to implement nondiscriminatory practices. For more on Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and alternative or- ganizations, see Chapter 8, "Finding and Creating Community."

12. These techniques are derived from the excellent book Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication (Jacksonville, FL: PuddleDancer Press, 2003) by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. (Jacksonville, FL: PuddleDancer Press, 2003) by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.

13. Report 10 of the Council on Scientific Affairs (I-99). Accessed February 15, 2008, from www.ama-a.s.sn.org/ama/pub/category/13585.html 95.

CHAPTER 4.

The Physical Self Amanda Metskas Many parents, whether religious or nonreligious, are uncomfortable talking with their kids about body issues, including s.e.xuality. Although the questions that secular parents have about s.e.xuality may not differ from those of religious parents, the answers that secular parents seek, informed as they are by different principles, are often different.

Because secular parents forgo the easy answers that some religious par- ents rely on-"Wait until marriage because that's what G.o.d wants"-the ques- tion of what to tell kids about s.e.x becomes more complex.

Being nonreligious obviously doesn't mean rejecting moral values in gen- eral or s.e.xual morality in particular-but lacking handy catchphrases, it can be more difficult to articulate the values that do inform our decision making.

Some nonreligious parents, having been raised in a religious s.e.xual ethic, reject that ethic along with its religious clothing. Others who have rejected religious belief still retain some or all of the moral messages about s.e.xual behavior that they were taught as children.

Beyond Sin Talk Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that G.o.d loves you and you're going to burn in h.e.l.l. The other is that s.e.x is the most awful, filthy thing you're going to burn in h.e.l.l. The other is that s.e.x is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth, and you should save it for someone you love. on Earth, and you should save it for someone you love.

- Butch Hanc.o.c.k, country singer/songwriter Butch Hanc.o.c.k, country singer/songwriter 97.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief It's not surprising that so many of us have psychological obstacles to the topic of s.e.x. Perhaps our parents never talked with us about it, or perhaps they sent the message that s.e.x was dirty and shameful. It can be hard to get beyond the ways in which we were raised so we can approach the topic more straightforwardly with our own kids.

Step one in shaking loose those unhelpful messages is to frame s.e.x in nat- uralistic terms. Far from being "the most filthy, awful thing on Earth," s.e.x is an essential fact of our existence. Every one of your direct ancestors had s.e.x- and thank Zeus for that, or this book would have one less reader. That religion could turn the central requirement of life on Earth into something shameful is a good candidate for the single most perverse and twisted of our inheritances from religious thought. Countless generations of boys have been driven into despairing shame as the naturally irresistible urge to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e was portrayed as "self-abuse" or "onanism." Church opposition to sensible contraception and family planning has kept millions in dest.i.tute poverty, while the enforced celibacy of priests led to the abuse of children-those least likely to tell. The point of this list is not just to criticize religion but to point out that whether it comes from their religious background or from our cultural Puritanism, even nonreligious parents bring many of these distorted and misin- formed notions of s.e.xuality into their own lives and their own parenting.

These messages have now found their way into national policy. Over $176 million has been poured into the promotion of abstinence-only s.e.x educa- tion, despite studies indicating that a majority of kids taking a virginity pledge fail to keep the pledge, are more likely to have unprotected s.e.x than non-pledgers when they do have s.e.x, and are equally likely to contract STDs. 1 1 Rather than pursuing vague notions of sin and satanic temptation, non- religious parents can ground their s.e.xual values in a reason-based consideration of consequences. s.e.x should be abstained from when the risk of adverse consequences is great. And teen pregnancy is, by almost any measure, an adverse consequence, leading to higher school dropout rates, lower income potential, and severely reduced a.s.sets and increased risks for the child. 2 2 Fortunately, teen pregnancy is on the decline. According the Guttmacher Inst.i.tute's 2006 report, teen pregnancy rates are down 36 percent from 1990 to the lowest level in thirty years. Fourteen percent of this decrease is attributed to teens waiting longer to have s.e.x; the other 86 percent is the result of improved contraceptive use. 3 3 98.

Percentage decline in teen pregnancy between 1990 and 2002: 36% Percentage of decline due to delaying s.e.x or having s.e.x less often: 14% Percentage of decline due to increased use of contraceptives: 86%4 86%4 Total federal funding of abstinence-only s.e.x education programs in 2006: $176 million Federal programs promoting comprehensive s.e.x ed, including contra- ceptive use: 0 Average age of first s.e.x for students in abstinence-only programs: 14.9 years Average age for students not in abstinence-only programs: 14.9 years5 Percentage of U.S. teens receiving abstinence-only s.e.x education in 1995: 9% Percentage receiving abstinence-only s.e.x education in 2002: 2124%6 2124%6 U.S. s.e.x education teachers teaching abstinence-only in 1988: 1 in 50 U.S. s.e.x education teachers teaching abstinence-only in 1999: 1 in 47 Proportion of U.S. s.e.x ed teachers who believe students should be taught about contraception: 9 in 10 Proportion prohibited by law from doing so: 1 in 48 In a nutsh.e.l.l: "To date, no abstinence program of the type eligible for funding under the federal government's $176 million abstinence-only-until- marriage program has been found in a methodologically rigorous study to positively impact teen s.e.xual behavior. Therefore, there is no evidence base to support continued investments of public funds in abstinence-only-until-marriage programs. A substantial majority of the comprehensive s.e.x education programs reviewed-which receive no dedicated federal fund- ing-are effective. The positive outcomes included delaying the initiation of s.e.x, reducing the frequency of s.e.x, reducing the number of s.e.xual part- ners and increasing condom or contraceptive use."

-from "Emerging Answers 2007," a study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy 99.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief In addition to being insufficiently prepared for parenthood, a 15-year-old is almost always insufficiently prepared for the emotional and social complexities of s.e.xual relationships. It is these concerns about real-world consequences, rather than some strange distrust of bodily pleasure, that should guide the s.e.xual education of our children-an opinion shared by most professional health and s.e.xuality educators.

In addition to issues of s.e.xuality, parents must help kids navigate more general issues surrounding body image, health, gender ident.i.ty, s.e.xual orientation, and drug use. This chapter provides questions and answers, activities, and resources for talking with kids about the many topics related to the physical self. While each of these topics could be (and is) addressed in whole books, this chapter is intended as an introduction to these issues that can point secular parents to some of the many other resources out there that will be more consistent with their secular values and approach to parenting.

Not every topic that could be addressed here will be. Questions about how to answer your kid's questions about where babies come from, how to talk to your kids about the changes their bodies are experiencing during p.u.b.erty, and how to recognize the signs of an eating disorder and get treatment, for example, are not included, in part because so many excellent resources are now easily available for these topics. Our focus is on those issues over which religious and secular parenting approaches might differ.

There is neither need nor justification for a separate set of ethics related to s.e.xuality or a separate set of principles to guide decision making about s.e.x.

The principles are the same as for other areas of life, centering on responsibility, consequences, honesty, and consistency. These and other humanistic virtues can help us guide our children toward a healthy and happy understanding of the physical self and their obligations to it.

Questions and Answers Q: What are the basic humanist principles related to the body?

A: When I was growing up, my dad always explained that in our house there is no compromise on rules about safety or health, but that everything else is negotiable. He also pointed out that our bodies are natural and good, not something about which we should feel uncomfortable or ashamed. He may not have realized it at the time, but I think he hit on the two main humanist principles relating to the body: 100.

1. Health and safety come first. Health and safety come first.

2. Our bodies are good and natural. Our bodies are good and natural.

Humanists celebrate s.e.xuality and the natural pleasures of the body, but that doesn't mean that anything goes. For humanists, responsible behavior comes down to an understanding of consequences both for yourself and others.

That's where these principles come in. It's important to flesh them out a little bit more.

Health and safety come first. Clearly, everything we do in life involves some degree of risk, and this principle isn't meant to imply that you should try to remove every element of risk from your child's life. First of all, that's not possible. Second of all, your child will likely rebel against this when he gets the chance, and he won't have learned what he needs to about managing risks responsibly.

The principle of putting health and safety first means that we need to ra-tionally ra-tionally a.s.sess the risks posed by activities and use a.s.sess the risks posed by activities and use reasonable reasonable means to reduce those risks when possible. Reasonable people will differ in these a.s.sessments to some degree, but, as an example, you wouldn't use this principle to ban your child from bicycling because she might hurt herself, but you would use it to require that she wears a helmet when biking. means to reduce those risks when possible. Reasonable people will differ in these a.s.sessments to some degree, but, as an example, you wouldn't use this principle to ban your child from bicycling because she might hurt herself, but you would use it to require that she wears a helmet when biking.

Because secular parenting is based on reason-giving, even though you don't want to compromise on issues of safety and health, you still want to talk with your kids about why why something is required because of safety and health. something is required because of safety and health.

You can also have a discussion about how serious the risks are and how reasonable the step is that removes or reduces the risk. Since reasonable people can disagree about these things, even though there is no compromise when it comes to safety and health, you might still end up changing your mind if your child demonstrates that something isn't as great a risk as you think, or if he finds some other method for protecting safety and health while engaging in an activity he wants to do.

Our bodies are good and natural. Not everything natural is good-illness, for example, is natural-which is why this principle mentions that our bod- ies are both good and and natural. We believe that people are physical beings, evolved animals, not spirits housed within some physical sh.e.l.l. The physical form we have natural. We believe that people are physical beings, evolved animals, not spirits housed within some physical sh.e.l.l. The physical form we have is is us, in a very important way. We don't believe that human beings are "born sinful and need to be saved." Neither are we born perfect. us, in a very important way. We don't believe that human beings are "born sinful and need to be saved." Neither are we born perfect.

Human beings are born natural. natural. We have hormones, emotions, and thoughts 101 We have hormones, emotions, and thoughts 101 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief that are results of natural processes and make us who we are. These include strengths and weaknesses that make up our human nature.

s.e.x is a natural part of being physical beings and is pleasurable and healthy (if you're doing it right). Physical pleasures are not to be looked down upon as somehow debasing or bad. They are an important part of what it means to be a human being. In fact-and this is a crucial realization-they are a necessary part. s.e.x is pleasurable for evolutionary reasons. It is what causes the species to continue. This is part of the complete understanding of s.e.xuality we should impart to our kids. It's evolution, not Satan, that brings on these urges, and when the situation is right, partic.i.p.ating in s.e.xual pleasures is part of partic.i.p.ating in humanness. And if it wasn't fun, we'd have a lot fewer human beings running around, or more likely none at all.

Q: How will the values about s.e.xuality that I am trying to impart to my child differ from his or her religious peers?

A: As a secular parent, you might be worried that what you are teaching your kids about s.e.xuality will be very different from what other parents in your area are teaching their kids. Because this issue is so emotionally charged for parents, you might be concerned that parents of your children's friends may view your parenting practices or your child's behavior as immoral or as a bad influence on their children.

The degree to which your values in this area differ from the values of re- ligious parents will vary quite a bit depending on the religious parents. Although more fundamentalist forms of Christianity get considerable media attention and have come to dominate the popular conception of what reli- gious people are like in the United States, there is in fact a great deal of diversity among religious parents in their views of s.e.xuality. You are not unlikely to find many religious parents with values and views in this area that are very similar to yours.

Even conservative Christian parenting resources, like those produced by Focus on the Family, may present some advice you agree with. Focus on the Family advises teaching children that their bodies are a special gift from G.o.d- they teach that the body is good, but rather than being natural, it is sacred.

Rather than denouncing s.e.xuality as sinful, which tended to be the tactic of conservative religious groups in the past, they advise sending a message that "purity" is to be valued, and the joys of s.e.xuality are something that should be saved for one's spouse. 9 9 Despite these possible points of disagreement, the shift 102 Despite these possible points of disagreement, the shift 102from the religious messages that many of us were taught, that s.e.x was dirty and shameful, to a more s.e.x-positive message has even permeated these resources to some degree. On issues related to safety and health, conservative religious parents share our values of wanting children to have safe and healthy experiences and a positive view of their s.e.xuality. Clearly, these general agreements will often lead to different conclusions on issues like comprehensive s.e.x education and acceptance of gay, lesbian, bis.e.xual, and transgender (GLBT) s.e.xuality.

Many moderate religious groups are noticing the changes in our society, including earlier p.u.b.erty and later marriage, and recognizing the need for a s.e.xual ethics beyond the simplistic command to "wait until marriage." 10 10 One outstanding example of religious people and groups advocating for healthy and ethical att.i.tudes related to s.e.xuality is the Religious Inst.i.tute on s.e.xual Morality, Justice, and Healing ( www.religiousinst.i.tute.org). Rev. Debra Haffner, the director of the inst.i.tute, served Rev. Debra Haffner, the director of the inst.i.tute, served for twelve years as the CEO of the s.e.xuality Information and Education Council of the "'Waiting for mar- riage' now nearly twice United States (SIECUS), a prime advocate as long as in 1960 for comprehensive science-based s.e.x educa- The average age of first mar- tion. She holds a Masters in Public Health, riage is increasing even as the and after her tenure at SIECUS, pursued a onset of p.u.b.erty drops. In 1960, Master of Divinity degree, became a Unitar- the two events were separated ian Universalist minister, and founded the by an average of eight to nine Religious Inst.i.tute.

years (depending on gender Haffner has written several books and and other factors). In 2008, the articles on s.e.xual development and adoles- separation averages sixteen cent s.e.xuality, including Beyond the Big Talk: Beyond the Big Talk: years. 11 11 Every Parent's Guide to Raising s.e.xually Healthy Teens-From Middle School to High "

School and Beyond. She recommends getting together with the parents of your child's close friends and trying to come up with rules that are similar for things like dating, supervision at parties, makeup and suggestive clothing, and other issues that you will be facing as your kids begin p.u.b.erty and enter middle school. You may be surprised at how much agreement you can reach with parents who have different religious views than you have about these practical matters. This can have several benefits for you as a parent-first of all, if your child tells you "Aww Mom, Katie's mom lets her do _______," you'll know She recommends getting together with the parents of your child's close friends and trying to come up with rules that are similar for things like dating, supervision at parties, makeup and suggestive clothing, and other issues that you will be facing as your kids begin p.u.b.erty and enter middle school. You may be surprised at how much agreement you can reach with parents who have different religious views than you have about these practical matters. This can have several benefits for you as a parent-first of all, if your child tells you "Aww Mom, Katie's mom lets her do _______," you'll know whether it's true. If you've managed to come up with similar standards, odds 103 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief are your child won't be able to make this argument as often, and when the rules differ, you'll have a much easier time explaining why Katie's family allows something that you don't allow. Additionally, you'll have an opportunity to explain your rules and values to your fellow parents, so they will be more likely to understand where your family is coming from when their child comes home and claims that your kid is allowed to do something that their kid isn't.

Q: What are the humanist principles that relate to s.e.x and relationships?

A: The two humanist principles related to the body apply here, but there are also a few other humanist principles that come into play here because s.e.x and relationships involve other people.

The principles that safety and health come first and that our bodies are good and natural cover a lot of ground related to s.e.x and relationships. Make sure your kids know that these are your principles, and give them some examples of how they apply. The obvious one is that they need to use appropriate protection for both s.e.xually transmitted diseases and pregnancy prevention. In addition, it's very important that kids know that s.e.xuality comes along with strong emotions that are to some extent driven by hormones. Make sure to let them know that part of having safety and health come first includes taking care of one's emotional health. s.e.xuality can create strong emotional attachments to partners, and people should make sure that there is mutual trust, respect, and honesty in a relationship that involves s.e.xual behavior.

Because our bodies are natural and good, s.e.xuality should be pleasurable.

Let your kids know that, and let them know that means that no one should do things with his or her body with which he or she is uncomfortable. People have the right to control what happens to their bodies and the right to change their minds. This last point is so important. Make sure your kids understand that just because they kissed someone or allowed someone to put a hand down their pants doesn't mean they are obligated to go further. s.e.xuality is a way that people share intimacy with each other, and it should feel wonderful. If it doesn't feel good, that's a good reason not to do it.

In Parenting Beyond Belief, Parenting Beyond Belief, Dale McGowan identified seven secular virtues. Dale McGowan identified seven secular virtues.

Although it is not exhaustive, it's a pretty good list to turn to for thinking about ethical s.e.xuality and relationships. Although s.e.xuality is an area fraught with hangups and mixed messages in our society, the same ethical principles that apply to the rest of our lives apply here as well. Here is Dale's list, with some added explanation of how these principles might play out in talking with your kids about s.e.xuality and relationships: 104.Humility. Have the humility to recognize that you don't have all the answers about s.e.xuality and relationships. This applies both to parents Have the humility to recognize that you don't have all the answers about s.e.xuality and relationships. This applies both to parents and kids. Let your kids know that you don't know everything about this, and that it's okay for them to admit that they don't know every- thing. That's why it's important for you to talk to each other and that when you don't know the answers, you can find out.

Empathy. This is a key value in relationships and s.e.xuality. Help your kids to understand that they deserve a partner who tries to understand This is a key value in relationships and s.e.xuality. Help your kids to understand that they deserve a partner who tries to understand how they feel and respects them and that they need to treat their part- ner with the same consideration. You can model this by showing em- pathy in your relationship with your partner and in your parenting and by encouraging your kids to show empathy to family members, friends, and others in their lives.

Courage. This virtue helps to resist pressure from others and to do what you think is right. In s.e.x and relationships, let your kids know that This virtue helps to resist pressure from others and to do what you think is right. In s.e.x and relationships, let your kids know that they should have the courage to stand up for the limits they set about s.e.xuality. No one should do more than he or she wants to do s.e.xually because of pressure from a partner or peers. You might also want to talk about having the courage to stand up for others who are picked on or discriminated against because they are GLBT or otherwise dif- fer in their s.e.xuality or their gender ident.i.ty.

Honesty. Let kids know that honesty is something that they deserve in a relationship and something that their partner deserves from them. Let kids know that honesty is something that they deserve in a relationship and something that their partner deserves from them.

Because s.e.xuality is something that can have serious consequences for safety and health, it is very important that partners are honest with each other about their past experiences and whether they are being monogamous with each other or are seeing other people. Being hon- est about feelings for the other person, and expectations from the re- lationship, is important so that someone can make decisions about his s.e.xual behavior that are based on an honest understanding of how seriously he and his partner take the relationship. Let your kids know that it is never okay to lie to a partner to entice him or her to have s.e.x.

Let them know that if a partner lies to them, they should consider whether they are being treated with the respect they deserve and whether the relationship is based on enough trust to involve s.e.xual behavior.

Openness. Openness doesn't mean that anything goes. It does mean that there is a range in which people's ideas and behaviors will differ, and Openness doesn't mean that anything goes. It does mean that there is a range in which people's ideas and behaviors will differ, and 105.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief that's okay. Help your children understand where the limits are (safety and health, respect for themselves and their partner), but recognize that your child may make decisions that are different from what you would ideally want for s.e.xual and relationship behavior. As long as your child is staying within those limits, the important thing is to keep the lines of communication open-express your differences but re- spect her decision-making abilities. Similarly, help your child under- stand that she may be making different decisions about relationships and s.e.xuality than her peers. This doesn't necessarily mean that one is right and one is wrong, and children can accept their peers' choices (if they are safe and healthy) without having to do the same thing. Let them know that their friends and partners should extend the same ac- ceptance and respect to them.

Generosity. People in healthy relationships are generous with each other. People in healthy relationships are generous with each other.

They don't take cheap shots at each other and put each other down.

People in healthy relationships care about their partners and take their needs and feelings seriously. The relationship that you model with your partner shows this generosity in relationships to your kids. You can also comment favorably on your child's behavior when you see him or her treating a boyfriend or girlfriend in a generous and caring way. Similarly, say something complimentary about your child's part- ner when he or she does something generous for your child. Let your child know that this generosity needs to be a two-way street in rela- tionships, and that neither partner should be the one who is always giving in or making sacrifices for the other.

Grat.i.tude. Grat.i.tude is the proper response to generosity in relationships. Grat.i.tude is the proper response to generosity in relationships.

When your partner does something kind, grat.i.tude is found in an ac- knowledgment of his generosity. That is another virtue that you can model for your kids through your own relationships.

In a sense these virtues are all reflections of the golden rule (treat others as you would like to be treated) and the silver rule (don't treat others as you would not like to be treated). The bottom line is that they should be treated well in relationships and that in turn they should treat their partners well.

A good shorthand list of things that must be present for an ethical s.e.xual relationship was developed by SIECUS: Relationships should be consensual, nonexploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable, and protected against disease and unintended pregnancy. 12 12 106.Q: How can I help my kids understand the risks a.s.sociated with premature s.e.xual activity without giving the impression that there is anything wrong or "dirty"

about s.e.xuality itself?

A: Part of making sure you send messages about s.e.xuality that don't treat it as wrong or dirty involves checking in with yourself and understanding your own ideas and hangups about s.e.xuality. How did your parents talk with you about s.e.x? Did they talk to you about it at all? Did they treat s.e.x as something dirty or shameful?

Often kids get the impression that s.e.x is dirty when it is something that their parents are afraid to talk about or treat as a topic that is off limits. Kids also get that impression when parents overreact to something they see or hear.

It can be very easy as a parent to speak before you think when you see or hear your kids saying or doing things that shock you. Take a breath and approach them as calmly as you can. If you can't talk about what is happening with them calmly in the moment, let them know that you want to talk with them later about what you saw them doing on the computer or heard them talking about with their friend.

Justin Richardson and Mark A. Schuster's book Everything You Never Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About s.e.x (but Were Afraid They'd Ask) reports similar techniques correlated with kids delaying having s.e.x as those discussed by Debra Haffner. The first is a general parenting style known as "authoritative parenting." Authoritative parents combine two important features: They set high standards for their kids' behavior and are emotionally supportive of their kids, listening to what they have to say. This is distinct from " reports similar techniques correlated with kids delaying having s.e.x as those discussed by Debra Haffner. The first is a general parenting style known as "authoritative parenting." Authoritative parents combine two important features: They set high standards for their kids' behavior and are emotionally supportive of their kids, listening to what they have to say. This is distinct from "authoritarian parents," who set high standards but don't listen and emotionally support their kids-they simply make the rules and expect their kids to obey. It is also distinct from permissive parents who are emotionally supportive and listen to their kids, but who don't set high standards for their kids' behavior-who try to be friends with their kids and don't set up the kind of limits that parents must set. parents," who set high standards but don't listen and emotionally support their kids-they simply make the rules and expect their kids to obey. It is also distinct from permissive parents who are emotionally supportive and listen to their kids, but who don't set high standards for their kids' behavior-who try to be friends with their kids and don't set up the kind of limits that parents must set.

Authoritative parenting is very consistent with the kind of parenting ap- proach outlined in Parenting Beyond Belief Parenting Beyond Belief and throughout this book. Let your kids know that you have high expectations of them, and you set rules, but use reason giving as a way to explain and potentially modify those rules. Help your kids understand why your family has certain rules, and if they convince you that the rules should be modified, change them. and throughout this book. Let your kids know that you have high expectations of them, and you set rules, but use reason giving as a way to explain and potentially modify those rules. Help your kids understand why your family has certain rules, and if they convince you that the rules should be modified, change them.

Families in which kids are more likely to delay having s.e.x are those in which the parents are involved in their kids' lives. This takes two forms. One 107 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief is having open communication with your kids. Contrary to popular belief, talking with your kids about s.e.x doesn't make them go out and have it sooner.

To the contrary, children in families that talked about s.e.xuality are statistically more more likely to wait. likely to wait.

When you discuss s.e.xuality with younger kids, make sure you are giving them facts about their bodies, what their body parts are called, how things work. As kids get older, talk about feelings in addition to facts. Make sure you give them the information they need, but also discuss your family's values and ethics and how they might feel as they deal with s.e.xual decision making and relationships. It's best to talk with kids about stages they are about to enter before they get there so they know what to expect.

When you talk with kids about the risks involved in s.e.xual activity-STDs and unplanned pregnancy-approach the issues factually and avoid taking a tone of moral panic. If you try to scare kids away from having s.e.x by over-stating the risks, they are likely to ignore what you've said and underestimate underestimate the risks. If, instead, you give them accurate information about the risks and potential consequences, you will increase your credibility, and they are more likely to listen. the risks. If, instead, you give them accurate information about the risks and potential consequences, you will increase your credibility, and they are more likely to listen.

The second way that parents can delay their kids' s.e.xual activity is through monitoring. Monitoring means knowing where your children are and checking in on them. For example, if your teen is going to party, make sure the parents are going to be home. This might mean calling the parents directly. If your child is having a party at your house, bring snacks over to the room in which the party is being held periodically. Monitoring can be a little tricky. Adolescents are growing up and a.s.serting their independence. They need more pri- vacy and independence than younger children, but that doesn't mean that they are ready to make adult decisions on their own. Monitor too closely and adolescents may rebel and engage in more risky behaviors than they would have with a longer leash. This might be part of the reason that teenage boys with fundamentalist mothers are more likely to have had s.e.x than their peers. 13 13 Strike a balance, giving your adolescent more privacy and freedom while continuing to set and enforce rules. You might even talk directly about this tension with your teen. Let her know that you trust her, and you know that as she grows up she needs more freedom, but that you also need to have certain rules so that you know she is safe.

Being an involved parent who sets standards but also provides love and emotional support is the best way to help your kids wait to have s.e.x until they are ready for it. Keep the lines of communication open. Pa.s.s on your family's 108values about s.e.xuality and make sure to listen when your kids talk to you about their thinking about s.e.xual decision making. When the time comes, they will need to make these decisions for themselves without you there to tell them what to do. Help them talk through their thinking about s.e.x and relationships so that they can make their own healthy choices. That makes it more likely that their first experience will be a positive one that allows them to experience s.e.x for the wonderful, pleasurable, intimate experience that it should be.

Q: Our high school is promoting an abstinence-only s.e.x ed curriculum based mostly on the Christian right in our town. I feel very strongly that other birth control options should be taught. My daughter, however, tells me that she will be "humiliated" if I approach the school on this issue. What should I do?

A: The first thing on your mind should be making sure that your daughter is getting accurate and effective s.e.x education. Since you know that isn't happening in her school, you need to make sure that it is happening in other settings, at home and/or in connection with a non-school-sponsored s.e.x education program.

The next question is whether you should approach the school about the problems with its s.e.x education program. First of all, I recommend reading Stu Tanquist's essay in Parenting Beyond Belief Parenting Beyond Belief called "Choosing Your Battles." Stu outlines a list of things to consider when deciding whether to challenge inappropriate religious intrusion into the public schools. Think about the impact your actions will have on your child-after all, she is the one who has to live in that school environment, not you. Find out from your daughter what she expects to happen if you approach the school and how she believes she will be humiliated. Use that information to see if you and your daughter can come up with a way to approach the school about the problem that she doesn't think will humiliate her. called "Choosing Your Battles." Stu outlines a list of things to consider when deciding whether to challenge inappropriate religious intrusion into the public schools. Think about the impact your actions will have on your child-after all, she is the one who has to live in that school environment, not you. Find out from your daughter what she expects to happen if you approach the school and how she believes she will be humiliated. Use that information to see if you and your daughter can come up with a way to approach the school about the problem that she doesn't think will humiliate her.