Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 8

3. Specifically invite them to doubt and to question your your conclusions. conclusions. I give myself permission to express my convictions in no uncertain terms. I give myself permission to express my convictions in no uncertain terms.

But I specifically invite my kids to question my ideas, to think all they want about them, to disagree with them, and to change their minds a thousand times as they consider them. I have told them that I would rather have them think for themselves and disagree with me than share my opinions only because I hold them.

The introduction of doubt is not an insignificant accomplishment. It has the power to achieve precisely what you are seeking. This is why doubt is such a serious sin in orthodox religious traditions-and why we must champion it as the highest intellectual virtue. Parents who honestly make these efforts will influence their children without indoctrinating them.

More importantly, they will earn their children's respect and grat.i.tude in the long run for having allowed their minds to breathe freely and without fear as they grew.

Q: I am a secular humanist who recently married a devout Lutheran. We plan to have a family soon. How do we create a cohesive family unit with these differing 81 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief faith issues? Do we need to be on the same page about religion as we do about discipline? Are there techniques for sorting out this question?

A: In many areas of parenting-discipline, for example-it is essential for parents to be on the same page. But it is entirely possible to raise children in a family with a variety of religious perspectives. What it does require is that parents set up ground rules to live by. Rule Number 1: No proselytizing! The fine art of active listening and communication has to be perfected. Use of "I" statements is an integral part of this communication ("I believe that there is a heaven") as is the invitation to seek other points of view ("but your father believes differently").

A religious education plan must be agreed upon. Partners may want to seek out "I have known many good people who did not believe in professional help to bring out all of the areas G.o.d. But I have never known a that need to be talked about surrounding human being who was good this issue. (See Pete Wernick's essay in Par- Par- who did not believe in peo- enting Beyond Belief to get an insight into to get an insight into ple.

Pete and his wife's journey as they raised their son in a religiously diverse family.) -J " "

ohn Lovejoy Elliott (18681942), Ethical Culture leader in New York Q: I have decided that I want to take our young children to church. Going to church was a positive experience for me growing up, but I have not gone as an adult. My husband is an atheist and can't stand the idea of his children going to church. Should I take them over his objections?

A: Goodness no. NEVER take your child(ren) to a religious organization over your partner's objections. Such an act would const.i.tute a serious breach of trust and respect. If it became a point of contention with your husband, going to church would not be a positive experience for the children no matter how wonderful the experience itself might be.

At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to you for his position to become the default. Instead, try to talk it through together. What exactly is it that he hopes to avoid, and what is it you hope to achieve? Discuss the specifics of the program your child would be exposed to instead of simply talking about "going to church" in the abstract. It should be possible to find a denomination or program that satisfies you both-or at least represents a bearable compromise. If no compromise appears possible, seek professional counseling. It is not necessary for parents to have the same belief system, but it is mandatory that they agree on how how to disagree and what the ground rules are for dealing with religion and the children. to disagree and what the ground rules are for dealing with religion and the children.

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Q: My son is on a basketball team, and I was shocked when one of the captains asked that he be allowed to lead a team prayer before the game. The coach has agreed to it. How do I handle this?

A: a.s.suming your son is old enough to begin taking positions of this kind- generally age 12 and up-it is best if you facilitate your child's own decision making rather than subst.i.tute your own. Knowing in advance that this will happen can allow you to work though some scenarios with your child. Some kids won't care, preferring to simply kneel and remain silent. Faced with this situation, my own son just stood outside of the kneeling circle politely and did not partic.i.p.ate. Others might choose a more active approach.

You might want to look at the religious diversity of the members of the team. If there are other players besides your son who are not partic.i.p.ating, you might want to point out to the coach that the prayer is not comfortable for several members of the team. He might be sensitive enough to talk with the captain. In some cases, your son might be willing to take a stand even if he is the only one affected. If so, don't miss the opportunity to praise his willingness to stand on principle, then help him to approach it reasonably and well.

As for the legality of this activity, it depends on where and how the praying is initiated. Private inst.i.tutions can do as they wish in this area. Public teams cannot have a coach or teacher lead or suggest a prayer, but the team members are permitted to inst.i.tute the practice independently.

Q: My daughter is constantly being asked to pray around the flagpole at her school with her friends. How can I help her say no and still be in that social group?

A: A single request politely declined would be fine. But if your daughter has politely refused to pray around the flagpole and is still being asked, this can amount to hara.s.sment, depending on the way it is asked and the ardor of the group. If her friends are persisting because they mean well and genuinely seek her companionship, they might simply need to be thanked for their good intentions and informed that her decision not to join them is final.

If she feels comfortable with the group of friends, she could engage the question of why she will not be joining them. If the invitation is mean-spirited, I would suggest that she not try to fit in with this group but find another set of friends. Joining a sports team, singing group, journalism group, or any afterschool program can help with switching groups. Talking with the school counselor may generate some ideas about how to handle this as well as different groups to join. It will also give the administration some information about how students are feeling about this activity.

83.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Q: My son wants to become a Boy Scout like all of his friends. We think that the Boy Scouts are h.o.m.ophobic, theistic elitists and certainly don't want our son joining. What do we say to our son, and are there alternatives to the Boy Scouts?

A: Although it's a good rule to involve our children in ethical decisions that impact them, some important decisions are fraught with issues too advanced or complex for children to understand or grapple with until they are older.

Weighing the moral costs of membership in a group with abhorrent social positions is one situation in which parents must make the decision for very young children, and whether to join the Boy Scouts is one of the most common. We were faced with this decision in our own family when our son asked to join the Boy Scouts in early elementary school. At the time, we simply said that we disagreed with a number of positions that the Boy Scouts of America take as a group and thus he wouldn't be joining. In the later elementary years, we talked to our son about the specific policies of the Boy Scouts that we believed were ethically wrong, such as excluding potential members and leaders on the basis of belief or s.e.xual orientation.

Fortunately there are now some alternatives to the Boy Scouts. Research Spiral Scouts or Earth Scouts online (see the Resources section for URLs), or create a program yourself after the model of the British Acorn Scouting Program. 11 11 Q: Our first child is on the way, and I'm wondering if I should explain to my very religious mother that we will be parenting without religion-or should I just deal with it as issues come up?

A: You are going to have to address the issue of not raising your child in a specific religious faith sooner rather than later with your mother. The question of baptism will come up almost immediately, and you will have to lay your cards on the table at that point anyway.

Q: Okay, I'll take the initiative with Mom. What's the best approach?

A: Make a date specifically for this purpose. Sit down in person if at all possible-and under no no circ.u.mstances do this by email! circ.u.mstances do this by email!

Most family conflict is not about disagreement, but about feeling dishon- ored and unheard. Approach with the intention to hear and honor each oth- ers' concerns, knowing that you may not actually come to agreement. knowing that you may not actually come to agreement. Listen first, then restate your mother's concerns in your own words to let her know she Listen first, then restate your mother's concerns in your own words to let her know she 84.

has been understood. Avoid blame, avoid "but" statements ("I know you think church is important, but . . ."), and find common ground. 12 12 For example, a.s.sure your mother that, although you are not raising your child in a specific religious tradition, you will not be excluding religious thought from the child's life-that you will, in fact, be pursuing a broad religious education, then allowing your child to decide for him- or herself what to believe when the child is old enough to do so.

Most important of all, encourage her help in this endeavor. Let her know that she will be invited to share her beliefs and traditions with the child, so long as she respects the child's right to question, doubt, and decide for herself.

Knowing that she can share her faith and that you intend to raise the child with many of the values and ethics that you have been taught will go a long way in relieving tension and preserving relationships.

Q: My kids ask why people believe all these different things about religion and who is right and who is wrong. What should I tell them?

A: Depending on the developmental level of your child, there are different answers to these questions. When children are little, they might just be asking what you believe about religion. When they are in upper elementary and concerned with right and wrong and fairness, a utilitarian answer might be appropriate: "You can decide for yourself. Some would say that the religion that is right is the one that makes you the most tolerant, respectful, and good person." As they get older, you can go into religious claims that are demonstrably false (historical claims in the Bible, for example), those which are demonstrably true, and other claims which are completely nonempirical and will always be in question. But at every stage, in every way possible, underline the fact that she has the right to decide for herself.

Q: We have decided not to circ.u.mcise our newborn son, and my Jewish parents are really upset. How do I handle this?

A: The decision to not circ.u.mcise your child is often difficult for Jewish grandparents to accept. You should enter into the discussion with your parents so that they have a chance to air their opinions and you yours. It is likely that you will have to agree to disagree, but you will have some heavy hitters on your side: The Council on Scientific Affairs, the American Medical a.s.sociation, and dozens of similar organizations around the world have issued statements calling the practice "not recommended" because of a.s.sociated risks. 13 13 The United 85 The United 85 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief States is the only remaining developed country in which the practice of circ.u.mcision is still somewhat common. Even so, many American HMOs no longer cover it.

Q: We have raised our children without religion but lately I have heard them being disrespectful to people expressing religious beliefs. What should I say to them?

A: You should tell them that because your family respects people of different races and abilities and aren't rude to them, they also have to extend the same courtesy to people of various religious faiths. It's a matter of being a good person yourself. You can also make a distinction between respect for people and respect for ideas. Although ideas must earn respect, people are inherently deserving of respect.

Another way you might approach this is (if you'll excuse the phrase) by inviting he who is without sin to cast the first stone. A friend of mine once described a moment of arrogance from his preteen son: "I just don't understand how people can believe stupid things that make no sense," said the boy.

My friend thought for a moment, then said, "Uh huh. Say, could you go get me a soda from the bas.e.m.e.nt?"

"I . . . but . . ." his son stammered. "I can't go into the bas.e.m.e.nt by myself."

"I feel no need for any "Why not?"

other faith than my faith in the "I . . . I just can't!"

kindness of human beings. I am "Oh," my friend said gently. "And does so absorbed in the wonder of that make sense?" make sense?"

earth and the life upon it that The point was made: We all all have irra- have irra- I cannot think of heaven and tional beliefs and fears. It's part of being angels.

human. My friend then shared some of his "

-Pearl S. Buck, human rights own irrational quirks with his son. There's activist and n.o.bel Laureate nothing wrong with reasoned criticism, but for Literature before we throw too many stones, we have to acknowledge that no matter how thoroughly we think we've attended to our own rationality, we all live in gla.s.s houses. And that's not entirely bad. If nothing else, it can keep us humble.

I would also ask the parents to take a good hard look at what they are verbalizing about people of religious faith. Children often imitate parental behavior, and lessons about how to treat others start at home.

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Activities Reflections All ages Reframe the idea of prayer to match your nonreligious stance, perhaps using the term promise promise ("Be sure to say your promises before bed"). Unitarian Universalist Kathleen Carpenter offers these secular graces: ("Be sure to say your promises before bed"). Unitarian Universalist Kathleen Carpenter offers these secular graces: * Earth, we thank you for this food, for the rest and home and all things good, Earth, we thank you for this food, for the rest and home and all things good, for wind and rain and sun above, but most of all for those we love. for wind and rain and sun above, but most of all for those we love.

* In the light of love and the warmth of this family, we gather to seek, to sustain, and to share. In the light of love and the warmth of this family, we gather to seek, to sustain, and to share.

You might also consider joining hands around the table to enjoy about a half minute of silence together. Ask the kids (and adults) to take that time to go inside themselves and think about whatever they wish-something about the day just pa.s.sed, a hope for the next day, good thoughts for someone who is sick, or nothing at all. And make it clear that they're welcome to pray if they'd like to.

But here's the key: It's a personal personal, private moment. Don't include a practice of sharing thoughts afterwards, or it quickly devolves into a spitting contest for who was thinking the most lofty thought ("You know what I I was thinking about? was thinking about? I I was thinking about was thinking about homeless children.") homeless children.") Kids will try this at first. Just nod and change the subject. Eventually, they figure out that it really is a private moment, which changes the nature of it. Kids will try this at first. Just nod and change the subject. Eventually, they figure out that it really is a private moment, which changes the nature of it.

When you have guests, simply tell them (before anyone can launch into prayer) that we begin our evening meal with a moment of silent reflection, during which they may pray, meditate, or simply sit quietly as they wish.

Book Talk All ages After reading some of the books in the resource section as a family or with your child, talk about what you think of the stories. What do you believe? How were these stories pa.s.sed on? Play telephone (a.k.a. "Chinese whispers") and point out how things get mixed up traveling from one person to the next. What human principles are the stories talking about? Could we agree with those without having a belief in G.o.d?

87.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Writing Your Own Chapter Age 6+ Read What I Believe, Kids Talk About Faith What I Believe, Kids Talk About Faith by Debbie and Tom Birdseye. Have members of your family write short chapters about what they believe and what guides their choices in life. by Debbie and Tom Birdseye. Have members of your family write short chapters about what they believe and what guides their choices in life.

Be of Service Age varies The secular and religious worlds can and often do unite around the idea of service to the world we live in. Find places in your community that allow families to do good works. Make lunches at a homeless shelter. Build together at a Habitat for Humanity site. March for peace. Package toiletries for runaway youth. Make Birthday Boxes for young kids in shelters, or help pack and dis-tribute food at a food pantry/food shelf.

Make a Bedtime Ritual All ages Create a bedtime poem that your family can enjoy. Ours was "All tucked in, roasty, toasty, give me a kiss goodnight. Sweet dreams 'til morning comes. I love you. Goodnight." Kids love the security of the repet.i.tion of a bedtime blessing, but it needn't be G.o.d-focused.

Look into Current Events Ages 718 When your child has an a.s.signment to report on a current event, go online and find stories about current church/state issues or the Boy Scouts' exclu-sionary policies. Read and talk about them with your family. By way of contrast, research Spiral Scouts and talk about their basic principles ( www .SpiralScouts.org).

Frontline programs offer a rich a.s.sortment of shows touching on religious issues. See www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion.

For high school youth, investigate the Pennsylvania court case in which the Dover public schools were sued by a group of parents who were fighting to have intelligent design labeled a religious belief and thus taken out of the cla.s.sroom. A wonderful doc.u.mentary on Nova Nova t.i.tled "Judgment Day: Intelli-88 t.i.tled "Judgment Day: Intelli-88gent Design on Trial" offers a behind-the-scenes look at what may be the most important trial in the history of public school science education in the United States. Watch the whole program online at www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/id/ program.html.

Be Informed and Informative with Your School District Parents Make an appointment with your school's princ.i.p.al, chair of the Board of Education in your district, or the district's superintendent before before there is a problem to talk about the district's policy on separation of church and state. there is a problem to talk about the district's policy on separation of church and state.

Create a Religiously Mixed Partnership Discussion Group Parents Form a group of friends who are in mixed marriages/partnerships of religious and nonreligious perspectives. Arrange to meet once a month to talk over issues. Form a Meetup for the topic in your city at www.Meetup.com, Craigslist it, or simply put up a notice in the local supermarket and library. Craigslist it, or simply put up a notice in the local supermarket and library.

Word a.s.sociation for Mixed Marriages Parents Take this list of words and talk about their meaning to you and your partner.

See if you and your partner can agree on (1) which words both of you could use with your children, (2) which are too loaded to use, and (3) which you could create your own family meaning for. Sample words: altar, amen, awe, altar, amen, awe, baptize, bible, blessing, benediction, born again, Christ, communion, church, confession, covenant, crucifixion, devil, divine, enlightenment, evil, faith, G.o.d, gospel, baptize, bible, blessing, benediction, born again, Christ, communion, church, confession, covenant, crucifixion, devil, divine, enlightenment, evil, faith, G.o.d, gospel, grace, heaven, h.e.l.l, holy, Holy Spirit, Holy Ghost, Jehovah, Jesus, Lord, miracle, grace, heaven, h.e.l.l, holy, Holy Spirit, Holy Ghost, Jehovah, Jesus, Lord, miracle, mystery, original sin, pray, prayer, predestination, priest, prophecy, prophet, re-demption, resurrection, revelation, sacrament, sacred, salvation, saved, savior, mystery, original sin, pray, prayer, predestination, priest, prophecy, prophet, re-demption, resurrection, revelation, sacrament, sacred, salvation, saved, savior, sin, son of G.o.d, spirit, spiritual, spirituality, temple, testament. sin, son of G.o.d, spirit, spiritual, spirituality, temple, testament.

Look into Unitarian Universalism All ages Consider taking part in a Unitarian Universalist Church where all belief traditions are honored and respected, and your family can start its own traditions. This denomination is creedless and allows for people to come together 89 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief in community for social action and for thoughts on how to live an ethical life. The church is based on seven Purposes and Principles, which are the following: * The inherent worth and dignity of every person.

* Justice, equity, and compa.s.sion in human relations.

* Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations.

* A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.

* The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large.

* The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice.

* Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Role-Play 1: Engaging Sensitive Issues with Religious Relatives Parents Before engaging such topics as baptism, not going to church/temple/mosque, and other sensitive issues across religious lines in your extended family, role-play with your partner what you are going to say. Which approaches seem likely to increase tension, and which decrease it? Write down the best answers and practice them. You will feel much more comfortable when the questions come along if you have thought the answers through ahead of time.

Role-Play 2: Antic.i.p.ate Sensitive Questions from the Kids Parents The greatest and most important questions come from our kids without warn- ing. Role-play answering the questions that your children will surely ask: * Who is G.o.d?

* Why don't we go to church/temple/mosque?

* Are we going to h.e.l.l because we don't go to church? (Don't feel the need to say, "Well, some people believe we are." The doctrine of h.e.l.l exists solely to paralyze thought. Dismiss it out of hand as a silly, human-made idea that a good G.o.d would never allow.) * Why don't you believe in G.o.d?

* What do you believe in?

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Write and practice the best answers to these questions. Role-playing can also draw out differences between parenting partners, which can lead to productive discussions between the two of you!

Role-Play 3: Help Kids Prepare for Questions and Comments They Will Hear Age 7+ Kids are also certain to hear certain questions and comments about religious belief: Do you believe in G.o.d? Why don't you go to church? You have to believe or Do you believe in G.o.d? Why don't you go to church? You have to believe or you'll go to h.e.l.l! You can't be good without G.o.d, and many others. you'll go to h.e.l.l! You can't be good without G.o.d, and many others. Ask your kids what they could say if they hear one of the above or something similar. Ask your kids what they could say if they hear one of the above or something similar.

Revisit Your Own Religious Past Parents Visit the church/temple/mosque of your childhood religious tradition. Talk to your children about what you liked about going there and what you disliked.

You can do this during the week or by attending a service.

Engage in Religious Anthropology Age 7+ Take your children to various services in town and talk about the religion and their religious practices. Push the boundaries by visiting a Sikh gurdwara, a Mormon church, a Hindu temple. Think of it as cultural anthropology, exposing your kids to human diversity.

As you drive around town, talk to the kids about what others believe as you pa.s.s their places of worship-and why you don't believe those same things.

Car time is the perfect captive time for conversation!

The Religious Diversity Film Festival All ages Watch movies together on occasion that include themes from various religious traditions. We're not talking about heavy-handed films that treat religion with kid gloves, but the many entertaining and enlightening films that dig into the real essence of religion and culture-both positive and negative. As your 91 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief children give their opinions about the religious ideas given in the movie, you can begin a dialogue.

Some suggestions for movies exploring religious themes: * Heaven Can Wait Heaven Can Wait (PG): Comedy about a football player who dies and claims it is a mistake. Ages 7+. (PG): Comedy about a football player who dies and claims it is a mistake. Ages 7+.

* Oh, G.o.d! Oh, G.o.d! (PG): Comedy with George Burns playing G.o.d. A supermarket manager claims he talks with G.o.d. Ages 7+. (PG): Comedy with George Burns playing G.o.d. A supermarket manager claims he talks with G.o.d. Ages 7+.

* Little Buddha Little Buddha (PG): Tibetan monks believe that an American boy is the next reincarnation of the Buddha. Good introduction to Buddhism for (PG): Tibetan monks believe that an American boy is the next reincarnation of the Buddha. Good introduction to Buddhism for elementary children. Ages 7+.

* Jesus Christ Superstar Jesus Christ Superstar (G): A subversive musical takes on the story of Jesus: no miracles or resurrection depicted, and Judas is the hero! Ages 7+. (G): A subversive musical takes on the story of Jesus: no miracles or resurrection depicted, and Judas is the hero! Ages 7+.

* Fiddler on the Roof Fiddler on the Roof (G): The musical story of a family of Russian Jews, their life, trials, and traditions. All ages. (G): The musical story of a family of Russian Jews, their life, trials, and traditions. All ages.

* The Ten Commandments The Ten Commandments (G): Somewhat dated but cla.s.sic movie on the creation of the Ten Commandments. Many parents question the rating (G): Somewhat dated but cla.s.sic movie on the creation of the Ten Commandments. Many parents question the rating due to the scene in which infants are slain by the fog-like Angel of Death.

Ages 11+.

* Bruce Almighty Bruce Almighty (PG-13): Bruce Almighty becomes disillusioned with G.o.d and struggles with what is divine. Ages 11+. (PG-13): Bruce Almighty becomes disillusioned with G.o.d and struggles with what is divine. Ages 11+.

* Romero Romero (PG-13): The life of an activist priest. Ages 11+. (PG-13): The life of an activist priest. Ages 11+.

* Gandhi Gandhi (PG): The life and times of a great leader. Ages 11+ (primarily due to length). (PG): The life and times of a great leader. Ages 11+ (primarily due to length).

* Jesus Camp Jesus Camp (PG-13): A disturbing look at how an evangelical group indoctrinates young children at a summer camp. Ages 12+. (PG-13): A disturbing look at how an evangelical group indoctrinates young children at a summer camp. Ages 12+.

* Schindler's List Schindler's List (R): The efforts of one man to save a group of Jews during the Holocaust. For older youth and young adults. Ages 14+. (R): The efforts of one man to save a group of Jews during the Holocaust. For older youth and young adults. Ages 14+.

(See Appendix I for a more extensive list of films to encourage religious literacy.) 92.

Resources Religious Literacy Boritzer, Ethan. What Is G.o.d? What Is G.o.d? (Ontario: Firefly Books, 1990). Broadens the definition of G.o.d and underlines our interconnected to all things. (Ontario: Firefly Books, 1990). Broadens the definition of G.o.d and underlines our interconnected to all things.

Bennett, Helen. Humanism, What's That? A Book for Curious Kids Humanism, What's That? A Book for Curious Kids (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2005). For older elementary children who want to understand the basics of Humanism. (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2005). For older elementary children who want to understand the basics of Humanism.

Gunney, Lynn Tuttle. Meet Jesus: The Life and Lessons of a Beloved Teacher Meet Jesus: The Life and Lessons of a Beloved Teacher (Boston: Skinner Publishing, 2007). This book will give the elementary child a basic, naturalistic view of Jesus and the parables. (Boston: Skinner Publishing, 2007). This book will give the elementary child a basic, naturalistic view of Jesus and the parables.