Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 20

Blasphemy-the Game www.blasphemythegame.com 241.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Blasphemy is an amazingly clever, well-made, and carefully researched board game that manages to provide religious literacy and skewer the sacred at the same time. There was more than one claimant to the t.i.tle of Messiah in ancient Judea. Each player maneuvers his would-be Messiah through six phases in the life of Jesus. Whoever can attain baptism in the Jordan, resist the devil in the wilderness, give the greatest sermons, perform the most impressive miracles, discredit his rivals, and make his way first to the cross wins the game. If you (or your teens) don't like complex, multilayered games that stretch into the wee hours of the night, this isn't for you. If, on the other hand, that last sentence made you drool, and you think of sacred cows as excellent skewer-holders, this is the game for you. Ages 13+.

Q: My daughter's public school is very small and has no auditorium. They hold the kindergarten graduation in the Baptist church across the street. Thoughts?

A: All church-state considerations should begin with a single question: Does the matter at hand negatively affect the religious freedom of the children by dictating a single "right" belief? The use of the building (especially when you have no other s.p.a.ce) seems unlikely to meet this standard. Much more problematic are the invocations with which thousands of public high school graduations open every June. Next thing you know, they'll be putting religious phrases on our money. (*Sigh.*) (*Sigh.*) If they open the kindergarten graduation with a prayer or include any other overt religious If they open the kindergarten graduation with a prayer or include any other overt religious content, content, that's different, and I'd get very serious with them about that church-state line. As always, express any concern in terms of religious freedom for all, not the avoidance of "offense." that's different, and I'd get very serious with them about that church-state line. As always, express any concern in terms of religious freedom for all, not the avoidance of "offense."

The former is const.i.tutionally guaranteed; the latter is not.

Q: One of my neighbors has been dropping hints to my 6-year-old son that she could take him with her to Sunday school so he "could be with the other children."

She is a nice enough lady, but it seems manipulative to me. Should I say something?

A: Yes. Take advantage of the next time you see each other taking out the trash, getting the mail, etc.-avoid the door knock if you can. Simply say, kindly but quite firmly, that the decision to attend church is up to the parents, not the neighbors, and that it is inappropriate to direct such an invitation to a 6-year-old without the parents' knowledge. Strangers with candy, and all that. If she has a child herself, and you wish to make a firmer point, ask if she would be pleased to hear that you had offered to take her child to the local Humanist 242meetup. End with a smile and a change of subject: "I see your petunias are coming in beautifully again!"

Nonreligious Parenting Discussion Boards Parenting Beyond Belief Forums www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com/forum Atheist Parents www.AtheistParents.org Atheist/Agnostic Parenting http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppatheist Q: What's the best way to improve the religious climate in my extended family?

We never talk about beliefs, yet they affect every aspect of everything we do as a family.

A: First and foremost, be out. be out. Letting others know that there is a perfectly lovely nonreligious person in their midst is the single most powerful contribution you can make to an improved religious climate in the family. Letting others know that there is a perfectly lovely nonreligious person in their midst is the single most powerful contribution you can make to an improved religious climate in the family.

Second, make beliefs a normal, natural topic. Do this by simply bringing up belief issues in conversation. Perhaps an Amish community is in the news, or FLDS, 8 8 or Tibetan Buddhism. "It's so interesting that they believe XYZ" can start a rich conversation. Strap in first, of course. or Tibetan Buddhism. "It's so interesting that they believe XYZ" can start a rich conversation. Strap in first, of course.

Third, work to uncover the religious diversity present in every every family. Even if you see your Southern Baptist clan as a sea of monolithic religiosity around the Secular Island of You, it's an illusion. There is always some variety in openness, in actual beliefs, and in comfort with difference. Find those who are religious but open and engage in a fascinating and easily overheard conversation about religious beliefs at your next family reunion or Thanksgiving gathering. family. Even if you see your Southern Baptist clan as a sea of monolithic religiosity around the Secular Island of You, it's an illusion. There is always some variety in openness, in actual beliefs, and in comfort with difference. Find those who are religious but open and engage in a fascinating and easily overheard conversation about religious beliefs at your next family reunion or Thanksgiving gathering.

This is not a time for critical challenge, just wide-eyed interest in this wonderful tapestry of belief.

Finally, my favorite: Take the Belief-o-Matic Quiz at www.beliefnet.com, talk about your results, and invite other family members to do the same. The quiz asks twenty multiple-choice worldview questions, then spits out a list of belief systems and your percentage of overlap. I'm 100 percent Secular Humanist, 92 talk about your results, and invite other family members to do the same. The quiz asks twenty multiple-choice worldview questions, then spits out a list of belief systems and your percentage of overlap. I'm 100 percent Secular Humanist, 92 percent Unitarian Universalist, and 76 percent Theravada Buddhist. I'm less Jewish now (18 percent) than I was three years ago (38 percent) but slightly more Catholic (18 versus 16 percent). Now tell me that's not a fun and interesting conversation starter. Best idea: Best idea: Email all family the link before your next gathering. Email all family the link before your next gathering.

Have the heart pills ready when Born-Again Grandma finds out she's 70 per- cent Islamic. And yes, that's the approximate result a conservative Christian will 243 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief get. Go to www.beliefnet.com and click Belief-o-Matic in the upper menu. If it helps to open conversations in your family, I'd really like to hear about it at and click Belief-o-Matic in the upper menu. If it helps to open conversations in your family, I'd really like to hear about it at [email protected]

Rule, Britannia!

According to the European Values Study, just 38 percent of residents of the United Kingdom currently self-identify as religious believers. By some estimates, fully half Kingdom currently self-identify as religious believers. By some estimates, fully half of British public figures (politicians, entertainers, academics, etc.) are openly nonreligious. A taste of the nonreligious perspective from Old Blighty: of British public figures (politicians, entertainers, academics, etc.) are openly nonreligious. A taste of the nonreligious perspective from Old Blighty: British Humanist a.s.sociation www.humanism.org.uk A large, active, healthy national humanist organization with a rich and useful website.

BHA public service announcement www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OY3y_fBpAs Just imagine such a thing in the United States as this elegant, witty 2-minute encapsulation of the humanist point of view.

Pat Condell's G.o.dless Comedy www.patcondell.net If you like your (anti-)religious commentary breathtakingly intelligent, articulate, uncompromising, and funny, look no further than Pat Condell. Not for the fainthearted. At this writing, Pat has produced forty short commentaries (see www.youtube.com/patcondell) and a compilation DVD is available through his site.

Thought for the World www.thoughtfortheworld.org The BBC does not allow nonreligious thinkers on its "Thought for the Day"

program of personal reflections. The Humanist Society of Scotland responded by creating this brilliant podcast featuring such British humanist thinkers as Stephen Law, Tim Mills, Nigel Warburton, A.C. Grayling, and Kate Hudson (no, not that one).

244.Q: I know that religious fundamentalists are generally enthusiastic about corporal punishment. When it comes to freethought parenting, is there a right answer on the use of spanking for discipline? And if spanking is out, what's in?

A: You're right: Religious conservatives tend to be pro-spanking, often citing the biblical injunction "Spare the rod and spoil the child." There's something doubly funny about the invocation of that scripture. Funny Thing 1 is that it isn't scripture. Funny Thing 2 is its actual source-a (quite) bawdy poem by Samuel Butler intended to skewer the fundamentalists of his time, the English Puritans. But as tempting as it is to refrain from spanking just because fundamentalists spank, I have a better reason- reason. reason.

In the interest of full disclosure, let me confess that I have spanked my kids. It was seldom and long ago, before I had my parental wings. I'm still ashamed to admit it. Every time represented a failure in my own parenting.

Most of all, it demonstrated a twofold failure in my confidence in reason.

Every time a parent raises a hand to a child, that parent is saying you cannot be reasoned with. In the process, the child learns that force is an acceptable subst.i.tute for reason and that Mom and Dad have more confidence in the former than in the latter.

I now try to correct behaviors by asking them to recognize and name the problem themselves. Replace "Don't pull the dog's ears" with "Why might pulling the dog's ears be a bad idea?" and you've required them to reason, not just to obey. Good practice.

The second failure is equally d.a.m.ning. Spanking doesn't work. In fact, it makes things worse. The research-a.k.a. "systematic reason"-is compelling.

A meta-a.n.a.lysis of eighty-eight corporal punishment studies compiled by Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff at Columbia University found that ten negative outcomes are strongly correlated with spanking, including a damaged parent-child relationship, increased antisocial and aggressive behaviors, and the increased likelihood that the spanked child will physically abuse her or his own children. 9 9 The study revealed just one positive correlation: immediate compliance.

Fortunately, many other things get their attention equally well or better than spanking without the nasty side effects. A discipline plan that is both inspired by love and guided by knowledge finds the most loving option that works. Spanking fails on both counts.

Instead, keep a mental list of your kids' favorite privileges and make them contingent on good behavior. Given a choice between a quick spanking or 245.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief early bedtime for a week, my kids would surely hand me the rod and clench.

Too bad. The quick fix is not an option.

The key to any discipline plan, of course, is follow-through. If kids learn that your threats are idle, all is lost.

I hope it's obvious that all this negative reinforcement should be pep- pered-no, marinated, overwhelmed-with loving, affirmative, positive rein- forcements. Catch them doing well and being good frequently enough, and the need for consequences will plummet. It stands to reason.

In the long run, if our ultimate goal is creating autonomous adults, we should raise children who are not merely disciplined but self self-disciplined. So if your parenting, like mine, is proudly grounded in reason, skip the spankings.

We all have an investment in a future less saddled by aggression, abuse, and all the other antisocial maladies to which spanking is known to contribute. Reason with them first and foremost. Provide positive reinforcement. And when all that fails-and yes, it sometimes does-dip into the rich a.s.sortment of effective noncorporal consequences. Withhold privileges when necessary. Give time-outs, a focused expression of disapproval too often underrated.

And don't forget the power of simply expressing your disappointment.

Your approval means more to them than you may think.

Alternatives to Corporal Punishment American Academy of Pediatrics www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Discipline.htm What is the best way to discipline my child?

Center for Effective Discipline www.stophitting.com > Discipline at Home > ParentSupport Ten guidelines for effective discipline of children. > Discipline at Home > ParentSupport Ten guidelines for effective discipline of children.

Positive Parenting www.positiveparenting.com/resources/articles.html > Nine Things to Do Instead of Spanking For more information on corporal punishment, visit www.HumanistParenting .org and click on One Safe Generation > Corporal Punishment. and click on One Safe Generation > Corporal Punishment.

246.One Safe Generation www.humanistparenting.org > click ONE SAFE GENERATION > click ONE SAFE GENERATION From the website: One Safe Generation is a humanist initiative to create a more hu- is a humanist initiative to create a more hu- mane, ethical, and reasonable world by breaking the chain of inherited violence and fear. Our goal is to make it possible for one generation to grow up free of violence. In support of this goal of "one safe generation,"

we are advancing initiatives to combat violence against children in the home, in the community, and on the fields of war.

Our reason, our judgment, and our ethics are all severely impaired when we are afraid. Examples of individuals, groups, and nations thinking poorly and acting immorally under the influence of fear are innumerable.

Violence and other social pathologies are perpetuated from one gen- eration to the next, as victims of violence in childhood are likely to become the perpetrators of violence in the next generation. From corporal punishment and neglect on the individual level to the forced conscription of child soldiers and the disproportionate victimization of children in war, each generation of adults has a choice to pa.s.s on traditions of violence and fear-or refuse to do so.

By recognizing that all manner of social pathologies-from violent conflict to religious fundamentalism to the suppression of free expression- are ultimately rooted in fear, humanists can focus our energies on that root cause even as we work to lessen the damage done by its various expressions.

One generation liberated from violence and fear would be more ra- tional, more compa.s.sionate, more confident, and far less likely to perpe- trate violence on its own children. By allowing a single generation to grow up safely, the tradition of inherited violence can be broken and the future remade.

One Safe Generation gathers valid research and resources in a gathers valid research and resources in a single, accessible location; counters the advocates of violence in public forums; advocates progressive public policies on related issues through opeds and legislation; and encourages support for existing organizations and advocates in three areas: (1) nonviolent parenting; (2) advocacy of progressive child social policies; and (3) protecting children from the effects of war.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief In identifying fear itself as the enemy, Franklin Roosevelt made a state- ment of greater lasting import than he knew. Go to One Safe Gener- One Safe Gener- ation for information and resources in the service of raising a generation of children less fearful and more hopeful than their ancestors dared dream. for information and resources in the service of raising a generation of children less fearful and more hopeful than their ancestors dared dream.

Great Bedtime Songs for Freethinking Families Imagine (John Lennon)-the anthem of idealism Little Boxes (Malvina Reynolds)-in praise of nonconformity Questions (Tom Chapin)-a hat-tip to the inquiring mind of childhood Cat's in the Cradle (Harry Chapin)-a heartbreaking wakeup for busy parents The Galaxy Song (Eric Idle/Monty Python)-for that cosmic perspective!

Advanced Reading for Freethinking Teens Yes, there is the remarkable His Dark Materials His Dark Materials trilogy, the astronomy of Tim Ferris, the physics of Brian Greene, and the provocative atheism of Harris, Dawkins, and Dennett. But here are three books less often cited in the lists of fabulous reads for freethinking teens: trilogy, the astronomy of Tim Ferris, the physics of Brian Greene, and the provocative atheism of Harris, Dawkins, and Dennett. But here are three books less often cited in the lists of fabulous reads for freethinking teens: Fiction Haddon, Mark. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003) (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003) Foer, Jonathan Safron. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005) (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005) Many commentators have noted the many similarities between these two as- tonishing novels. Each is narrated by a brilliant, science-minded boy who has lost a parent and sets out into the larger world to solve a mystery. Less often noted is that the two narrators both self-identify as nontheistic. The result is a profound pair of reflections on death, loss, meaning, and the power of personal will that should resonate with most freethinking teens. Both are also available on audio at www.audible.com. (I especially recommend (I especially recommend Curious Incident Curious Incident for the unique perspective of the autistic narrator-and especially in audio.) for the unique perspective of the autistic narrator-and especially in audio.) 248.Nonfiction Hitchens, Christopher. Letters to a Young Contrarian Letters to a Young Contrarian (New York: Basic Books, 2001) (New York: Basic Books, 2001) Fiat just.i.tia, ruat caelum, says. .h.i.tchens-"let justice be done, though the skies fall." This remarkable and unique book, a collection of letters written by Hitchens to a hypothetical student, advocates dissent as a high value and holds the dissenter up as a vital moral force. Written with his usual combination of blazing intelligence and refusal to mince words, says. .h.i.tchens-"let justice be done, though the skies fall." This remarkable and unique book, a collection of letters written by Hitchens to a hypothetical student, advocates dissent as a high value and holds the dissenter up as a vital moral force. Written with his usual combination of blazing intelligence and refusal to mince words, Young Contrarian Young Contrarian can serve as a seminal influence and a powerful affirmation for the young person entering an adult life in which courageous dissent will play a part. can serve as a seminal influence and a powerful affirmation for the young person entering an adult life in which courageous dissent will play a part.

On Fear One Safe Generation focuses on reducing real threats to the physical safety of children. But media coverage, Internet hype, and even many parenting books do their best to divert attention to threats that are statistically tiny by comparison. focuses on reducing real threats to the physical safety of children. But media coverage, Internet hype, and even many parenting books do their best to divert attention to threats that are statistically tiny by comparison.

Fear sells papers and drives online traffic, so half-overheard urban myths that "a child is abducted every 40 seconds" and "child abduction rates have risen 444 percent since 1982," always uncited, continue to make the rounds.

Christian parenting books often seize this opportunity, sounding a frightening "values" alarm. Crime is spiraling out of control. Morality is on the retreat.

Our children are at greater risk of teen pregnancy, kidnapping, and violent death than ever before. Terrified parents are offered the solution-Jesus.

But are the frightening claims actually true? Are our kids less safe and less moral than ever before? Consider these statistics: Consider these statistics: * According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, violent crime rates across the board have declined continuously since 1994, reaching the lowest level ever ever in 2005. in 2005. 10 10 * Teen pregnancy is on the decline. According the Guttmacher Inst.i.tute's 2006 report, teen pregnancy rates are down 36 percent from 1990 to the lowest level in thirty years. 11 11 * Child abduction rates-always infinitesimal-continue to fall. Rates of violent crime against children have fallen by nearly 50 percent since 1973.

The child murder rate is the lowest in forty years. 12 12 Any given child is fifty 249 Any given child is fifty 249 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief times more likely in any given year to die from a world-ending comet or meteor (1 in 20,000) than to be abducted by a stranger (1 in 1 million). 13 13 So why do we fear unlikely things and ignore far greater risks? An article in Scientific American Mind Scientific American Mind summed up the psychological research: summed up the psychological research: * We fear what our ancestral history has prepared us to fear, We fear what our ancestral history has prepared us to fear, like confine-ment, heights, snakes, spiders, and humans outside our tribe. like confine-ment, heights, snakes, spiders, and humans outside our tribe.

* We fear what we can't control. We fear what we can't control. The car is less safe than the airplane, but our hands are on the steering wheel of one and not the other. The car is less safe than the airplane, but our hands are on the steering wheel of one and not the other.

* We fear things that are immediate We fear things that are immediate (strangers around us) more than the long term (global warming). (strangers around us) more than the long term (global warming).

* We fear threats readily available in memory. We fear threats readily available in memory. Every plane crash, every child abduction, every home invasion is covered by the news media and Every plane crash, every child abduction, every home invasion is covered by the news media and takes on a significance far beyond the actual threat. 14 14 We can provide our children the best security and the least fearful environment by a.s.sessing risks intelligently and refusing to give in to those who benefit from fear mongering and the sounding of moral alarms.

Q: Why is it so important for nonreligious parents to "come out"? Won't my child benefit from a lower profile?

A: One of our main goals as parents should be the creation of a saner world for our kids. One of the best ways nonreligious parents can do this is by working toward a world in which religious disbelief is no big deal. That's the goal, of course-not to dominate the culture, not to wipe religion off the map, but to simply make religious disbelief no big deal. no big deal.

We can learn a great deal from the progressive movements that have pre- ceded us. Racism becomes difficult to support once you know and love some- one of a different race. h.o.m.ophobia falls apart when you learn that your neighbor or your child is gay. The same is true for religious disbelief. Religious people are currently surrounded by closeted nonbelievers. This makes it possible for them to retain a caricature of the nonreligious as someone "out there,"

far away, wild-eyed and repugnant, alien and threatening. When instead they learn that sweet, normal cousin Susan doesn't believe in G.o.d, a powerful shift must take place to accommodate the new information.

250.Many nonreligious people think the shift will downgrade them them in the eyes of the other person. After talking to literally hundreds of nonbelievers about their "coming out" experiences, I am happy to report that it generally works in reverse: Instead of downgrading the friend or relative, most religious people will upgrade, however slightly, their overall opinion of the nonreligious. Their caricature becomes less supportable when a face both known and loved is in the eyes of the other person. After talking to literally hundreds of nonbelievers about their "coming out" experiences, I am happy to report that it generally works in reverse: Instead of downgrading the friend or relative, most religious people will upgrade, however slightly, their overall opinion of the nonreligious. Their caricature becomes less supportable when a face both known and loved is placed on it.

If every nonreligious person were to reveal her beliefs to those around her, gently and with a smile, the predominant cultural att.i.tude toward religious disbelief would be profoundly altered overnight. Fear and mistrust would not change to instant approval by any means, but the simplistically drawn image of the nonreligious would necessarily become more complex, more nuanced, more accurate. It almost always always goes better than you think it will. And it would go a long, long way toward allowing our children toward think freely and independently about questions of religious belief. goes better than you think it will. And it would go a long, long way toward allowing our children toward think freely and independently about questions of religious belief.

Notes.1. A name second only to that of my actual college roommate, Phil Graves.

2. Yonish, Stephen, and David Campbell, Religion and volunteering in Amer- ica. In Smidt, Corwin, Religion as Social Capital Religion as Social Capital (Waco, TX: Baylor University Press, 2003). (Waco, TX: Baylor University Press, 2003).

3. Brooks, Arthur C. Religious faith and charitable giving, in Policy Review Policy Review (October/November 2003). (October/November 2003).

4. Warren Buffett (#1), Bill Gates (#2 along with his wife Melinda, who is Catholic), and George Soros (#3). Cited in 50 Most generous philanthropists, Business Week. Business Week. Accessed April 13, 2008, fr Accessed April 13, 2008, from http://bwnt.businessweek .com/philanthropy/06/index.asp 5. Text at http://richarddawkins.net/article,903,n,n. A very thoughtful reply A very thoughtful reply is at www.dailykos.com/story/2007/4/19/18451/0971. Site accessed May 30, 2008. Site accessed May 30, 2008.

6. Greg Epstein, the humanist chaplain at Harvard, hit the nail on the head when he said "Science and reason are important, but science and reason won't visit you in the hospital."

7. Full text at www.firstunitariansociety.org/sermons0203/092202.htm#092202 .htm. Accessed July 11, 2008.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief 8. Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

9. Gershoff, Elizabeth Thompson. "Corporal Punishment by Parents and As- sociated Child Behaviors and Experiences: A Meta-a.n.a.lytic and Theoret- ical Review," Psychological Bulletin Psychological Bulletin, 128 128 (2002), 539579. (2002), 539579.

10. www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/gvc.htm#Violence 11. Accessed June 11, 2008, from www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2006/09/12/ USTPstats.pdf 12. National Center for Juvenile Justice 2006 report. Accessed June 8, 2008, from www.ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/ojstatbb/nr2006/downloads/chapter2.pdf 13. "A fistful of risks," DISCOVER Magazine DISCOVER Magazine (April 1996), 82. (April 1996), 82.

14. Myers, David G. "The Powers and Perils of Intuition," Scientific American Scientific American Mind Mind (June/July 2007), 4851. (June/July 2007), 4851.

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A P P E N D I X I.

Recommended Films by Category Recommended films with themes related to religious literacy, coming of age, and exploring death. Synopses and reviews available at Netflix ( exploring death. Synopses and reviews available at Netflix (www.netflix.com ) or the Internet Movie Database ( www.imdb.com www.imdb.com ). ).

FILMS for RELIGIOUS LITERACY Age 47 711 1114 1418 Prince of Egypt (G)

Joseph, King of Dreams (G)

Kirikou and the Sorceress (NR)

Jesus Christ Superstar (G)

Fiddler on the Roof (G)