Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 17

Babbitt, Natalie. Tuck Everlasting Tuck Everlasting (New York: Farrar, Straus, & Giroux, 1985). (New York: Farrar, Straus, & Giroux, 1985).

Ages 612.

Paterson, Katherine. Bridge to Terabithia Bridge to Terabithia (New York: HarperTeen, 2004). (New York: HarperTeen, 2004).

Age 9+.

Reflections for Adults and Young Adults Dobrin, Arthur. Love Is Stronger Than Death Love Is Stronger Than Death (1986). A beautiful, moving, thoughtful piece of work, now out of print but available online at (1986). A beautiful, moving, thoughtful piece of work, now out of print but available online at www .ethicalunion.org/loveis/index.html Willson, Harry. Myth and Mortality-Testing the Stories Myth and Mortality-Testing the Stories (Albuquerque: Amador, 2007). This engaging and thoughtful book looks at thirty-two beliefs dealing with death and a.s.sesses their helpfulness in confronting mortality. (Albuquerque: Amador, 2007). This engaging and thoughtful book looks at thirty-two beliefs dealing with death and a.s.sesses their helpfulness in confronting mortality.

Willson is a former missionary pastor who is now a secular humanist social justice activist.

200.Wilson, Robert Anton. "Cheerful Reflections on Death and Dying." Google it, or brave the long URL: www.deepleafproductions.com/wilsonlibrary/texts/ raw-dying.html Morris, Virginia. Talking About Death Won't Kill You Talking About Death Won't Kill You (New York: Workman, September 10, 2001). A wonderfully healthy and candid look at death and our tendency to avoid the topic. The publication date alone is enough to grab one's attention. (New York: Workman, September 10, 2001). A wonderfully healthy and candid look at death and our tendency to avoid the topic. The publication date alone is enough to grab one's attention.

Montross, Christine. Body of Work: Meditations on Mortality from the Human Body of Work: Meditations on Mortality from the Human Anatomy Lab Anatomy Lab (New York: Penguin Press, 2007). Not for everyone, but for those interested in a very (very) direct look at mortality through the lens of the physical, this is worth looking into. (New York: Penguin Press, 2007). Not for everyone, but for those interested in a very (very) direct look at mortality through the lens of the physical, this is worth looking into.

Enright, D.J. (Ed.). The Oxford Book of Death The Oxford Book of Death (London: Oxford University Press, 2002). A magnificent anthology of writings on death and dying. (London: Oxford University Press, 2002). A magnificent anthology of writings on death and dying.

Nuland, Sherwin. How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter (New York: Vintage, 1995). A brilliant and important contribution to the literature, written from the perspective of a physician with the heart of a sage. (New York: Vintage, 1995). A brilliant and important contribution to the literature, written from the perspective of a physician with the heart of a sage.

Byock, Ira, M.D. Dying Well Dying Well (New York: Riverhead Trade, 1998). A book lauded for its "humanistic soul," (New York: Riverhead Trade, 1998). A book lauded for its "humanistic soul," Dying Well Dying Well is a clear-eyed, thoughtful excursion through the process of decline and death, built around the author's experience of his own father's death. is a clear-eyed, thoughtful excursion through the process of decline and death, built around the author's experience of his own father's death.

See also the following reviews in Parenting Beyond Belief: Parenting Beyond Belief: Emswiler, James, and Mary Ann. Guiding Your Child through Grief Guiding Your Child through Grief (New York: Bantam, 2000). (New York: Bantam, 2000).

Arent, Ruth P., MA, MSW. Helping Children Grieve Helping Children Grieve (Belgium, WI: Champion Press, 2005). (Belgium, WI: Champion Press, 2005).

Thomas, Pat. I Miss YouA First Look at Death I Miss YouA First Look at Death (New York: Barron's, 2000). (New York: Barron's, 2000).

Ages 38.

Bryant-Mole, Karen. Talking About Death Talking About Death (Redwood City, CA: Raintree, 1999). (Redwood City, CA: Raintree, 1999).

Ages 48.

Rothman, Juliet Ca.s.suto. A Birthday Present for Daniel: A Child's Story of Loss A Birthday Present for Daniel: A Child's Story of Loss (Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 2001). Ages 710. (Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 2001). Ages 710.

Trozzi, Maria, M.Ed. Talking with Children About Loss Talking with Children About Loss (New York: Perigee Trade, 1999). (New York: Perigee Trade, 1999).

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Notes.1. Emswiler, James, and Emswiler, Mary Ann, Guiding Your Child Through Guiding Your Child Through Grief Grief (New York: Bantam Books, 2000), p. 112. (New York: Bantam Books, 2000), p. 112.

2. Konner, Melvin, The Tangled Wing The Tangled Wing (New York: Holt Paperback, 2003), p. 369. (New York: Holt Paperback, 2003), p. 369.

3. Dawkins, Richard, "Religion's misguided missiles." The Guardian The Guardian (UK), September 15, 2001. (UK), September 15, 2001.

4. Oh . . . that was me: Accessed August 2, 2008, from http://parentingbeyond belief.com/blog/?p=71 5. See Emswiler, James, and Emswiler, Mary Ann, Guiding Your Child Guiding Your Child Through Grief (New York: Bantam, 2000) for an excellent example of a mainstream parenting book with similar caveats. (New York: Bantam, 2000) for an excellent example of a mainstream parenting book with similar caveats.

6. These same suggestions are offered by many grief pract.i.tioners and au- thors, but few as clearly and concisely as The Compa.s.sionate Friends' web- site. Accessed July 8, 2008, from www.compa.s.sionatefriends.org 7. Several other cultures in what is now Mexico and Central America ob- served festivals with similar rituals and iconography, including the Maya, Olmec, Zapotec, and Mixtec.

8. See the entry on Halloween and Samhain in the Q&A section of Chap- ter 6, "Celebrating Life."

9. This was not the case in earlier historical periods when child and infant mortality were significantly higher.

10. From an impromptu address at Digital Biota 2, Cambridge, UK, Septem- ber 1998. Full text available at www.biota.org/people/douglasadams. Accessed March 22, 2008. Accessed March 22, 2008.

11. Freeman, Aaron. "You Want a Physicist to Speak at Your Funeral," National Public Radio, June 1, 2005. Available in podcast at www.npr.org/templates/ story/story.php?storyId=4675953. Accessed March 22, 2008. Accessed March 22, 2008.

12. From Chapter 1 of Love Is Stronger Than Death Love Is Stronger Than Death (1986). Accessed May 4, 2008, fr (1986). Accessed May 4, 2008, from www.ethicalunion.org/loveis/index.html 13. Parenting Beyond Belief Parenting Beyond Belief, pp. 170171.

14. See the book of the same name in the Resources section.

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CHAPTER 8.

Finding and Creating Community Amanda Metskas When the secular parenting discussion forums at ParentingBeyondBelief.com opened in February 2007, a single comment, phrased various ways, was posted over and over: "It's so nice to talk to other secular parents out there dealing with similar issues." The comments were often followed with stories of isola-tion, feelings of uncertainty-and the desire for community.

There are literally millions of families in the United States with nonreligious worldviews, but too often they feel as if they are going it alone. By contrast, religious families usually have a nearby church community offering Sunday school, parent groups, and organized family outings-all in addition to the weekly worship service. 1 1 Secular families seldom have the same built-in access to communities where they can congregate, share ideas, and pa.s.s along values to their children. This might explain why getting married and having children are the two key factors that bring people back to church. Secular families seldom have the same built-in access to communities where they can congregate, share ideas, and pa.s.s along values to their children. This might explain why getting married and having children are the two key factors that bring people back to church. 2 2 The ready-made community is one area where it is safe to say that religious parents have a real advantage. The ready-made community is one area where it is safe to say that religious parents have a real advantage.

A Caveat for Community-Builders In our rush to create and embrace community, an important caution must be sounded. A community can quickly turn into a gated enclave, an "us" that not only binds its members together but also excludes and even demonizes "them"-those who are on the outside of our defining wall.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief We live in naturally concentric circles of community. The inner circle is often our immediate family, those with whom we feel the most connection. Around that circle runs the larger circle of extended family, followed by other affinities like regional, cultural, and language groups; our ethnicities, regions, and nations; our worldviews; even our species. Each of these concentric circles defines a community, linking us to those with whom we share something significant.

In addition to these concentric circles, we also have cross-cutting com- munity memberships and ident.i.ties-we may be similar to others in one way, and different in others. 3 3 For example, a doctor may belong to a community of medical professionals, but may be different from many other members of that community in terms of her race, religious views, or other characteristics. She may also belong to an empowerment group for African American women, but For example, a doctor may belong to a community of medical professionals, but may be different from many other members of that community in terms of her race, religious views, or other characteristics. She may also belong to an empowerment group for African American women, but differ from many members of that group in her religious views or her occu- pational ident.i.ty.

Our connection, our compa.s.sion, and our empathy often drop as we move outward through concentric communities, or interact with those who are different from us in more of our important ident.i.ties, across what has been called an "empathy gradient." We tend to feel closest to and most protective of those who are closely related or otherwise similar to us-natural selection at work- followed by those who live nearby but are less similar. By the time we have moved outward to people living far away, or those who are unlike us in other ways, we tend to feel a reduced empathy. It's easier to feel compa.s.sion for the neighbor child with leukemia than the child in a distant country with the same condition.

Merely spending time with people who are different than you doesn't al- ways lead to increased empathy and understanding. It helps a lot to have a common goal, as Muzafer Sherif found out in his famous "Robbers Cave Experiment" in 1954. 4 4 In the experiment, two groups of boys at a summer camp were organized into competing teams. The experimenters tried to break down the animosity between the groups by having the boys spend time together, but instead of decreased animosity, they got food fights in the dining hall. What succeeded in breaking down the barriers between the groups were situations in which both groups had to work together to accomplish something that In the experiment, two groups of boys at a summer camp were organized into competing teams. The experimenters tried to break down the animosity between the groups by having the boys spend time together, but instead of decreased animosity, they got food fights in the dining hall. What succeeded in breaking down the barriers between the groups were situations in which both groups had to work together to accomplish something that everyone wanted. It took work from both groups, for example, to pull the camp truck when it wouldn't start.

Several more recent studies have come to similar conclusions. 5 5 For example, recognizing our cross-cutting social ident.i.ties and recognizing larger shared ident.i.ties have both been shown to lead to more cooperation and fairer 204 For example, recognizing our cross-cutting social ident.i.ties and recognizing larger shared ident.i.ties have both been shown to lead to more cooperation and fairer 204outcomes in social dilemma situations, where there is a limited resource that people have to allocate and share. 6 6 As humanists, our goal should be not just building the inner circles of community, but pushing that sense of connectedness out across as many of boundaries as possible. The community of freethinkers should be just one of several several communities of which we consider ourselves to be a part. It's one of the nine "best practices" for nonreligious parenting mentioned in the Preface: communities of which we consider ourselves to be a part. It's one of the nine "best practices" for nonreligious parenting mentioned in the Preface: Encourage the widest possible circles of empathy. Encourage the widest possible circles of empathy. As we define our immediate communities, it's important to recognize and reinforce the communities of As we define our immediate communities, it's important to recognize and reinforce the communities of which we are already a part, all the way out to the widest circle of all: the community of life on Earth.

We can take a page from the atheists, agnostics, and freethinkers at the University of Illinois who went on a spring break community service trip together with members of their school's Campus Crusade for Christ group to help with rebuilding in New Orleans. As we seek to form communities with other freethinking families, we can and should also join together with other groups to make our broader community a better place.

What Human Community Is (Really) All About Freethought groups and freethinkers around the country are working to cre- ate viable, satisfying, multigenerational communities-and meeting with varying degrees of success. Some have forged a connection with young people and families, even starting humanist children's programs and parent support groups. Others, however, find their membership numbers frozen year after year as the average age of their members drifts slowly upward. What makes the difference between a thriving, growing community and a stagnant one?

The answer lies in an understanding of community itself. You can't choose your family, but membership in a community is largely voluntary. Give me what I'm looking for and I'm likely to stay. Give me something less and I'll go elsewhere. It's just about that simple.

Freethought communities stagnate when they fail to work hard enough at understanding what people are seeking-what human needs have spurred their search for a community in the first place. Too many freethought com- munities have drawn their purposes too narrowly. They are about inquiry, reason, the search for truth, and the rejection of religion. They don't want to attend churches because they don't want a community that's centered on G.o.ds and theologies.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief What they fail to realize is that theology is less important to most churchgoers than a number of other benefits. In many cases, they attend despite despite the theology. the theology.

It is telling that only 27 percent of churchgoing U.S. respondents to a 2007 Gallup poll even mentioned G.o.d when asked for the main main reason they attend church. reason they attend church. 7 7 Most people go for personal growth, for guidance in their lives, to be encouraged, to be inspired-or for the community and fellowship of other Most people go for personal growth, for guidance in their lives, to be encouraged, to be inspired-or for the community and fellowship of other members. These, not worship, are the primary needs fulfilled by churches.

If freethought communities wish to build their memberships well beyond the 60ish white male demographic that currently dominates the rolls (G.o.d bless 'em!), they must begin considering the real reasons people flock to church. It's not about theology. It's about belonging. It's about acceptance. It's about mutual support and encouragement. Most of all, it speaks to needs beyond the intellectual into the emotional.

This chapter will offer several specific ways in which freethought com- munities can speak more directly to these needs. Organizing freethinkers has been compared to herding cats, and there's merit in the metaphor. Nonetheless, nonreligious families are clearly looking for community. This chapter is about helping freethinking families find and build the communities they seek.

Questions and Answers Q: My partner and I are not religious, but now that we have kids, we really feel the need for a community to reinforce the values we teach at home. We've been talking about going back to church. Are there alternatives?

A: There are indeed, and those alternatives are increasing in number and in variety. The resources section of this chapter contains websites for organizations with local chapters or congregations, some of which might be a good fit for your family. Not all are available in all areas, and some of them offer more for children and families than others, but this should provide a place to start looking for an existing community that you can join.

Nonreligious families vary considerably in the communities they seek.

Some like the congregational model, which can provide many of the positive emotional and social benefits of religion without supernatural claims and dogma. Here are three options on the "congregational" end of the spectrum: 206Unitarian Universalist Fellowships Unitarian fellowships are "creedless," meaning they require no expression of shared dogmas, doctrines, or religious beliefs. In lieu of doctrines, the denomination is organized around Seven UU Principles (outlined in the Ap- pendix). The majority of Unitarian Universalists identify as atheists or agnostics, and an even larger percentage (91 percent) include "humanist" as one of their self-ident.i.ties. 8 8 Unitarian Universalist congregations have a well-developed religious education program for kids, focusing on comparative religion and ethics, as well as a highly regarded s.e.x education program. There are currently over 1,040 UU fellowships in North America, so the odds are good that you will find one or more in your area. Unitarian Universalist congregations have a well-developed religious education program for kids, focusing on comparative religion and ethics, as well as a highly regarded s.e.x education program. There are currently over 1,040 UU fellowships in North America, so the odds are good that you will find one or more in your area.

UU fellowships vary widely in their approach and atmosphere depending on the minister and the makeup of the congregation. Some continue to use Christian language and symbolism, while others have a more completely non- theistic flavor. If there is more than one UU in your area, compare them to see which suits your family the best. If the services are not for you, there may still be other programmatic offerings that are appealing.

In addition to visiting fellowships, many answers to common questions about Unitarian Universalism can be found at www.uufaq.com.

Ethical Societies There are currently twenty-five Ethical Societies in the United States organized around the principles of Ethical Culture, as well as a web-based "Ethical Society Without Walls" ( www.eswow.org) for those without a local Ethical Society.

According to the American Ethical Union, "Ethical Culture is a humanistic religious and educational movement inspired by the ideal that the supreme aim of human life is working to create a more humane society." 9 9 Unlike Unitarian Universalist congregations, which have people of many different religious and nonreligious beliefs, Ethical Culture groups have a core set of beliefs. Although they are nontheistic, many people in the movement consider Ethical Culture to be their religion. Ethical Societies offer religious education programs for young children up through college students. The American Ethical Union also offers yearly youth conferences for middle school, high school, and college students. There are a lot of curriculum resources for Ethical Culture children's programs available on its websit Unlike Unitarian Universalist congregations, which have people of many different religious and nonreligious beliefs, Ethical Culture groups have a core set of beliefs. Although they are nontheistic, many people in the movement consider Ethical Culture to be their religion. Ethical Societies offer religious education programs for young children up through college students. The American Ethical Union also offers yearly youth conferences for middle school, high school, and college students. There are a lot of curriculum resources for Ethical Culture children's programs available on its website at www.aeu.org.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Humanistic Jewish Congregations For those who are nontheistic but remain committed to cultural or ethnic Jewish ident.i.ty and tradition, there are twenty-nine congregations in North America identified with Humanistic Judaism. Humanistic Jewish congregations celebrate Jewish holidays and practice Jewish traditions in a way that is free of supernatural elements. The congregations offer programs for children, and the Society for Humanistic Judaism offers youth conferences.

To learn about their youth programs, go to www.shj.org. There are also cultural and secular Jewish groups that belong to the Congress of Secular Jew- There are also cultural and secular Jewish groups that belong to the Congress of Secular Jew- ish Organizations ( www.csjo.org), and some of these groups have schools or other programs for children.

For nonreligious parents interested in a less "congregational" option for a community of shared values, the freethought group model may be appealing.

Such groups to date have seldom had programs for children and families, but this is changing rapidly. The Humanist Community in Palo Alto, California, for example, offers a humanist Sunday school program that was profiled in TIME, 10 10 committed to ethics education. Similar programs are starting up at local humanist groups in Phoenix, Albuquerque, Colorado Springs, and committed to ethics education. Similar programs are starting up at local humanist groups in Phoenix, Albuquerque, Colorado Springs, and Portland.

In addition to these regular, local opportunities to find a community and pa.s.s on values for your freethinking family, there are opportunities like Camp Quest ( www.camp-quest.org). Camp Quest offers week-long summer camp programs that combine traditional summer camp activities like swimming, arts and crafts, and canoeing with educational activities focused on secular ethics, critical thinking, freethought heroes, and scientific inquiry. Kids have an opportunity to meet other kids from freethinking families, and the friendships that they form are often long-lasting. For many kids, the community they find at camp lets them know that their family isn't alone, and the opportunity to interact with other kids their own age about these topics helps them develop their values and beliefs.

Q: My partner and I attended a local freethought group in our town when we were first together. But we stopped going once we had kids because they don't offer any kids programs or activities, and we don't want to have to get a babysit-ter to go to the meeting. What can we do to make our local freethought group more family-friendly?

A: When it comes to serving families, a lot of local atheist, freethought, and humanist groups have a "chicken and egg" problem. They don't offer programs 208for children because no families with children are members of the group, and no families are members because they have no children's programs.

Before heading out on your own, I'd recommend trying to create a chil- dren's program at the meetings of the local group. Ask the group organizers if there are families who are members of the group or former members of the group who are still on the mailing list but no longer attend. There's your core group! Get in touch with those families. Find out if they would be interested in coming back to the group if there were a kids' program at the same time as the regular meeting. If you get some interest from these families, present that information to the group organizers and ask them to commit to the idea.

If the organizers don't know of any families on the mailing list, put out a sign-up sheet at meetings for parents. Also, see if you can get an announcement on the group's website and in the group's newsletter asking for those interested in a children's program to email you. Post notices on www.craigslist.com and www.meetup.com.

Once you've found some interested folks and secured support from the group's leadership, it's time to start planning the program. A common mis- take people make in this phase is trying to do too much too fast. You and the other families interested in this group are probably very busy people without the time to write a whole Sunday School curriculum or plan elaborate events.

There may also not be enough demand to justify that kind of program at the beginning.

It's generally best to start a program in small, simple steps. If the interested families have mostly younger children, start with something like a sto-rytime, some drawing and coloring, and a simple song. The purpose of these first sessions to build some momentum, let people know that there is a children's program, and have the kids and parents get to know each other. If you have three families with kids who are interested in the program, perhaps each family can plan and lead every third session. This spreads out the work and (equally important) builds a community in which all the parents are involved.

Q: How can I get a nonreligious parenting group started in my area? There aren't many organized secular groups where we are, and the ones that do exist don't really work for us.

A: A number of nonreligious parenting groups have begun to form nation- wide in recent years. Shortly after the release of Parenting Beyond Belief, Parenting Beyond Belief, a a "Meetup" group by the same name formed in Raleigh, North Carolina. Within three months the group had over fifty members. In early 2008, the Center for 209 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Inquiry (CFI) began forming nonreligious parenting groups in cities including Austin and Portland, just as a "Perplexed Parenting Circle" for secular parents began meeting in New York City. If you are planning to start a group of your own, you are in good company and have a number of existing groups to use as models.

First, determine what purpose or purposes you are hoping that the group will serve. Are you interested in finding other secular parents to share advice and ideas? Are you looking to help your kids connect with other kids from a similar background? Are there topics like ethics that you want your kids to learn about in groups larger than the family?

Deciding on the purpose of the group and stating that purpose up front is a crucial foundation for long-term success. The purpose can certainly evolve over time, but it's important to begin on the same page.

If you are looking for a playgroup for your kids with likeminded families, and some fellow secular parents to get to know and swap ideas with, you might be best served by creating something informal. Planning and organizing a more formal group can be burdensome and unnecessary if your goals are that simple.

The online secular parenting communities in the resources section often allow people to list their city or state and provide a way to send targeted or private messages. Find some secular parents who live in your area and have kids of similar ages and suggest going to a local museum, zoo, swimming pool, park, or other nearby attraction for families. Meet the parents and kids, and if things go well, suggest a regular every-other Sat.u.r.day outing, or a weekly rotating playdate/parent get-together. No need to complicate your life by creating a website, doing promotions, and creating an organization with officers and budget in this case.

If, on the other hand, your goals are to create a group that has more for- mal educational outcomes-like teaching ethics, critical thinking, comparative religions, freethought history, scientific inquiry, etc.-then you may indeed want and need the group to be more formalized. You'll probably be crafting some lesson plans and buying supplies for lessons, so you want to know how many kids are coming ahead of time. You may need to work with a more specific age group, and if you're going through this effort, you may want to promote your group to the broader community.

This is a great goal, but it's best to start small and build your program and activities over time. Start with meeting other interested parents and kids through outings or playdates, and get to know the other parents. Find out if 210they are interested in working on a "freethought Sunday school" project and how they would envision such a thing. Get a sense of how much time your fellow parents can commit to the project, and what their areas of expertise are.

It's important to spread out the work of running the program to avoid burning yourselves out and so that other families are invested in the program and don't take your hard work for granted.

As your group grows, remember to keep in mind why you started the group in the first place. Don't let organizing and planning the group get in the way of the real purpose-creating a community for your family. The educational activities should be fun, not something the kids dread and have to be coerced and cajoled into attending. The group should provide parents with support and ideas rather than being a burden to plan that overshadows the benefits.

Check out the Activities section for some activities that are good for larger groups of kids. Look in the Resources sections for freethought curriculum ideas.

Q: We don't have any local groups in our area (or the local groups in our area don't fit in our schedule or work for our family), and I just don't have the time to start a new group. What are our options?

A: Even if you don't have a local group in your area there are still several ways for you to find a freethinking community for your family.

There are online resources for freethinking families- Parenting Beyond Parenting Beyond Belief has a websit has a website ( www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com) with a forum in which parents can talk about secular parenting issues, swap stories, get ideas, and find support.

The Ethical Society Without Walls ( www.eswow.org) and the UU Church of the Larger Fellowship ( http://clf.uua.org) have religious education materials that you can use with your family. (Remember that for Ethical Culture and UU groups "religious education" is worlds away from "bible study.") The Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies has a website section on parenting ( www .humaniststudies.org/parenting/) with resources of interest to humanist and freethinking parents.

There may also be groups in your local community that aren't explicitly nontheist but share your tolerant values and are welcoming to freethinking families. Look around for groups that lead kids' science activities or have programs for kids who are intellectually curious and/or gifted, or volunteer opportunities for families. A welcoming group focused on compa.s.sion, creativity, 211 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief and critical thinking is a great place for your family no matter the religious or nonreligious preferences of most members. In fact, this kind of environment may be the best place for kids to explore a variety of worldviews in a non-indoctrinating setting.

Annual conferences, retreats, and summer camps can also expose your kids to a community of freethinkers. Although these options don't give you a local community to meet with regularly throughout the year, they can sup-plement what's available in your area. Camp Quest offers week-long summer camp programs in several locations around North America.

A few organizations offer conferences specifically aimed at youth: The American Ethical Union offers youth conferences for middle school, high school, and college-aged kids. The Secular Student Alliance (www.secularstudents .org) offers conferences aimed primarily at college students, although some high school students partic.i.p.ate as well.

Some informal family camping opportunities and other retreats are also springing up in some areas. Check out the Lake Hypatia event hosted by the Alabama Freethought a.s.sociation and the Freedom from Religion Founda- tion ( www.ffrf.org/lakehypatia/) every year over the July 4th weekend for a fun freethought event that is combination conference and campout. It includes some whimsical events like the annual Atheists vs. Agnostics Softball Game.

Q: Is it really that important for children to know other freethinking families, or will the influence of our family be enough exposure to freethought ideas?

A: While I'm sure your kids will turn out just fine either way, a community of freethinking families can help in some very important ways.

As Bobbie Kirkhart explains in Parenting Beyond Belief, Parenting Beyond Belief, while a lot of freethinking adults may tend not to be "joiners," kids are often looking for ways to belong. Most of your kids' friends will be members of a church or other religious group with their families, and your child may feel like he or she is missing out. There is also the possibility that kids without the context of a while a lot of freethinking adults may tend not to be "joiners," kids are often looking for ways to belong. Most of your kids' friends will be members of a church or other religious group with their families, and your child may feel like he or she is missing out. There is also the possibility that kids without the context of a community of shared values will find ways to belong, one way or another, and may end up in "communities" built around risky behaviors.

Kids learn a lot from each other, and it is important that they have people their own age who they can talk to about their worldview and their ideas. These don't necessarily all have to be kids from freethinking families-in fact, it's best if they can share ideas with kids from a variety of perspectives. I remember having great conversations with my friends about all sorts of questions re-212lated to religion. Even though most of my friends had Christian parents, they were trying to figure out what they thought about the world, just like I was. (Of course, sometimes their parents were not thrilled when they found out about such discussions.) Most freethinking families seek a community with similar values not not to cut their children off from other points of view but to reinforce the ethical lessons they are trying to impart at home. While there is a lot you can do to teach values like compa.s.sion and critical thinking in the home, kids inevitably compare their families to other families they know. It lends your teaching credibility if your kids know other families who share a similar worldview and to cut their children off from other points of view but to reinforce the ethical lessons they are trying to impart at home. While there is a lot you can do to teach values like compa.s.sion and critical thinking in the home, kids inevitably compare their families to other families they know. It lends your teaching credibility if your kids know other families who share a similar worldview and discuss the same issues.

One more reason to find a freethought community beyond the family: Depending on where you live, your family's beliefs may be controversial among the parents of your children's schoolmates and peers. Some children from freethinking families are singled out for hara.s.sment at school, told they are un-trustworthy, evil, or d.a.m.ned to h.e.l.l. Coaches, teachers, or activity leaders have been known to punish children who don't partic.i.p.ate in a team prayer or religious activity that "everyone else" is doing. For kids facing prejudices or bullying because of their beliefs, it is especially important to have a network of other freethinkers in their lives. Knowing that there are others like them and their families can help kids understand that they aren't alone and serve as a source of support as they seek to stand up for their beliefs and educate their cla.s.smates about who they are and what they think.

Q: Boy Scouting was a great community for me growing up, but they seem to have taken an intolerant turn in recent years. Can you tell me exactly what the BSA's policy is regarding religion? Are atheists actively prohibited, or is it a "don't ask, don't tell" policy?