Raiders Of The Lost Car Park Part 33

'Then, Terence Arthur Mulligan, I am arresting you on the charge of abducting an officer of the law.

You have no need to say anything, but anything you do say will be taken down and may be used in evidence.'

'We're on the road to h.e.l.l,' said Terence Arthur Mulligan. 'And b.o.l.l.o.c.ks to you, by the way.

b.o.l.l.o.c.ks was back at the control desk, fiddling with the computer. Happily he hadn't been shot at all. The bullet had only wounded Cornelius. In the hair.

'It's all rather complicated,' the tall boy told Anna, as he helped her over the pile of bodies. 'I don't think I have time to explain right now.'

'You have another plan, don't you?'

'Well, it's b.o.l.l.o.c.ks's actually.'

'That doesn't surprise me. It was the last time.'

'That's not what I meant.' Cornelius turned away.

'Allow me to explain,' said Tuppe. 'p.i.s.s off,' said Anna.

'Give us a French kiss,' said Tuppe. And Anna hit him with the spanner.

'Turn this cab around.'

'No way, copper.'

'You're nicked, Mulligan.'

'And you're in the deep brown stuff.'

'Right,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. 'What order do these notes go in, Cornelius?'

'Actually, I'm not altogether sure. But Tuppe knows. What order do the notes go in, Tuppe? Tuppe?'

But Tuppe didn't answer. The blow from Anna's spanner had sent him to join the sleepers on the floor.

'Tuppe. wake up,' said Cornelius. 'This is no time to take a nap.

Anna made an innocent face. 'Could you tell me exactly what the latest plan might be?' she asked b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.

'Sure,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, smiling upon the beautiful young woman. 'You must be Anna. Cornelius told me all about you.

'Come on, Tuppe,' went Cornelius. 'Wakey, wakey.'

'Well,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks to Anna, 'quite a bit's hap-pened since you last saw Cornelius. He met up with his dad, Hugo Rune. But this Rune, it seems, is a total nutter, bent on some kind of world domination of his own. He's just kidnapped the Queen and he intends to lay the blame on the beingsinside the Zones; lead in the army, with the whole world watching, and wipe the lot of them out.'

'I seem to recall that Cornelius had a not too dissimilar plan. Although his didn't include the Queen.'

'Yeah, well, you see Cornelius has had second thoughts. He's reasoned that if the whole world suddenly discovered that it had been tricked and manipulated all throughout history by these beings, fingers would be pointed, blames exchanged, society would break right down.

'This also crossed my mind. Although I was too polite to mention it at the time.'

'Right. So anyway. Cornelius has come up with an ingenious plan: open up the portal on Star Hill and lead a twenty-three-thousand-strong peace con-voy into the Zones, overwhelm the beings by sheer weight of numbers and demand that they cease their activities.'

'Tuppe's spark out,' said Cornelius. 'He's got a big b.u.mp on his head.'

'Perhaps he tripped.' Anna tucked the spanner into the back pocket of her jeans.

'You'll have to punch the notes in yourself then, Cornelius.'

The tall boy made a dubious face. 'I'll do my best. But I'm really not sure.'

b.o.l.l.o.c.ks gave up his chair and continued his conversation with Anna. 'Cornelius reasoned that the beings in the Zones will surrender. Just like any other beings, they'll do anything to rid themselves of travellers.'

'Did I say that?' Cornelius asked. 'I don't remember saying that.'

'I'm sure you did. Now get on with those notes.'

'Quite so.' Cornelius did a sort of dip dip sky blue, who's it not you.

'And,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, 'the beauty of the plan is that the world will know nothing about it. n.o.body is going to believe a traveller telling him that he's been to the Middle Earth, or Fairyland, or whatever. And the travellers don't tell people anything anyway. It's quite an inspired plan.'

'I see,' said Anna.

'How are you doing?' b.o.l.l.o.c.ks asked Cornelius.

'I think I'm almost done. Yes, I'm sure I'm done.' Cornelius crossed his fingers.

'Right.' b.o.l.l.o.c.ks leaned over the computer con-sole. 'We log it in here.' He pressed a b.u.t.ton. 'See that, it goes up on the screen. Shiva's sheep, those are very strange frequencies.'

'They are?'

'They are. Now all you have to do is press that b.u.t.ton and the sequence will play directly through e speaker system.'

'This b.u.t.ton?'

'That b.u.t.ton.' b.o.l.l.o.c.ks indicated a big b.u.t.ton. It as blood red. The way some of them are.

Cornelius considered the blood-red b.u.t.ton. Right,' said he, 'well somehow I have to get up on he stage and tell the travellers I know of a land of and honey.'

b.o.l.l.o.c.ks nodded thoughtfully. 'Say, perhaps, that you were able to fight your way through all those hired heavies and do that, I wonder how the travellers would react.'

'Probably stone him to death,' said Anna. 'I know I would.'

'I'll think of something.' Cornelius batted down his hair. 'I am the Stuff of Epics. Keep your ears open, b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. I'll get up there and make my speech. And when you hear me say, "Behold the wonder", then you press the blood-red b.u.t.ton.' The tall boy turned to take his leave. 'And look after Tuppe,' he said.

'Just one small thing', said Anna, 'before you climb over the bodies.'

'Oh yes?' Cornelius turned back.

'It sucks,' said Anna. 'Your plan. Sucks.'

'Somehow I just knew you were going to say that.' Cornelius turned away once more.

'But you don't know why.'

'And neither do I care.'

'You really should. It's quite important.' Cornelius sighed and turned back once more. 'Go on then, say your piece.'

'OK. Now as I understand it, the essence of this inspired plan of yours is that the whole world will know nothing about it. Am I correct?''You are correct.'

'I see. Then don't you think it a bit of a problem that the whole world is sitting at home watching this gig live on TV?'

27.

Terence Arthur Mulligan put his accelerator foot hard down. Inspectre Hovis fell back in his seat.

'Turn this cab around,' he shouted. 'Drive to the nearest police station and give yourself up.'

'Some chance.' Mulligan swerved around a corner, dislodging Hovis to the floor. 'You're supposed to be dead. My masters will pay me a big reward for you. I'll ask for it in diamonds.'

'Have at you, sir.' Hovis clambered up and swung his cane. It rebounded from the window dividing him from the cabbie.

'Bullet-proof gla.s.s,' crowed the Mulligan. 'And the doors have central locking. I'm taking you in.'

Hugo Rune was already in. But then he had re-invented the ocarina for that very purpose. Getting into the Zones had never been a problem for him. It was getting out, as the ocarina didn't work from the inside.

But he was in again now all right. The silver car was parked back on the spot where Cornelius had originally found it, in King Santa's private car park. The ice-cream van was still there too.

Hugo Rune drummed his plump fingers on the golden wood of the steering wheel. So much physical activity, it really wasn't his way at all. He, like the king, was a man for delegation.

On the back seat of the silver car stood a pedestal table. Its top covered by a silken cloth. Beneath this cloth was a perfect micro-cosmic representation of the interior of the car.

Hugo Rune didn't speak. When you possess the wherewithal to overthrow the secret King of the World, and have the Queen of England locked in your boot, you don't actually have to say anything to make people wake up and take notice.

'Wake up,' shouted Cornelius Murphy. 'Wake up and take notice.'

'I am woken up,' said Tuppe, rubbing the b.u.mp on his head.

'Not you. I mean Mr Kobold.'

'I've missed something, haven't I?' said Tuppe.

'Just a slight spanner in the works.'

'No, I'm sure I felt the spanner.'

'The peace convoy plan just went out the win-dow.' Cornelius began to smack Arthur Kobold about the head. 'Apparently the gig is being broadcast world-wide.'

'First I've heard of it.'

'There was something about it on the BBC,' said b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.

'So what's the plan going to be now?' Tuppe asked Cornelius.

'Mr Kobold is going to take us into the Zones and introduce us to his guvnor.'

'Does Mr Kobold know this yet?'

'No, but he will, as soon as we wake him up.'

Something moved invisibly through the corridors of the Forbidden Zones. Two somethings, in fact.

A large something and a not-so-large something. The large something was carrying the smaller something.

But you couldn't see either of them, because they were both invisible. Or something.

Anna poured the contents of the sound engineer's Thermos flask over the head of Arthur Kobold.

The sound engineer wasn't going to need it, he was still out for the count.

'Oooh, ahhh. What's going on? Where am I?'

Cornelius knelt down beside Arthur Kobold and put his big non-regulation police-issue pistol against his head. 'You are in big trouble,' he said. 'Now get up and take me to your leader.'

'I certainly will not.'

Cornelius sighed. 'Mr Kobold,' he said, 'we have not known each other long, but I think we under-stand each other reasonably well. The way I see it, you have two options open to you. The first is that you take us at once, without trickery or complaint, straight to your "guvnor". Hopefully, between heand I some compromise can be reached that will spare your world and mine. The second is that you refuse. If you do, then I will shoot you dead, press the blood-red b.u.t.ton over there and lead twenty-three thousand travellers into your guvnor's front parlour. Personally, I don't care which one you choose. But I'd be interested to learn your personal preference.'

'How prettily put.' Arthur Kobold made a brave face. 'And you're quite right, we understand each other well enough. You wouldn't shoot me in cold blood. You know you wouldn't.'

'I would.' Anna stepped into Arthur's line of vision.

'Allow me to lead the way,' said Mr Kobold.

'Allow me to lead the way,' said Terence Arthur Mulligan.

Hovis glowered up at the grinning cabbie, who now held open the taxi door. He would dearly have liked to strike him with his cane. But he felt dis-couraged to do so by the nature of Mulligan's two companions. They were big and green and muscly.

The taxi was now parked in a great Victorian warehouse of a place. Between an ice-cream van and Rune's silver car. The Inspectre viewed the latter with some small degree of comfort. But not much.

Mulligan viewed the former with some puzzle-ment.

'Where are you taking me?' Hovis asked.