Raiders Of The Lost Car Park Part 11

Arthur poured a measure of its contents, without difficulty, into the empty gla.s.s. 'It's an us and them situation,' he explained. 'Or a me and you. You represent mankind, and I, let us say, another people.

The good folk, you might call us.

'We are known in the highlands as the Daoine Sidhe. The Welsh call us the Tylwyth Teg. The Irish, Tuatha De Danann, or Sleagh Maith. But it all means the same.

'What does it mean?' Cornelius asked.

'It means fairy,' said Tuppe, in a leaden tone. 'He's a frigging fairy.'

'Please, please.' Arthur sipped from his gla.s.s and raised his drinkless hand. 'That is a term we prefer not to use nowadays. Too many unsavoury connotations. But it does get the job done nicely. Say you believe in an invisible G.o.d who built the world from scratch in six days and most people will think you quite normal. Suggest that this G.o.d might have built more than one world, and that some of the denizens of another planet he's knocked up might be visiting here in a UFO, and most people will think you moderately normal, but a bit eccentric. But mention a belief in fairies and they'll have you carted off to the funny farm.'

'But that's what you are, a fairy?'

'I'm a Kobold,' said Arthur Kobold, finishing his drink and pouring a refill. 'A fairy, if you like. Or don't like, going by the look on your face. It's all down to evolution, I suppose. Separate races evolving separately. But at the same time. You in your way and we in ours. Your lot somewhat overran us. We had to take shelter. But just because there's more of you, it doesn't follow that you know what's best.

There are more ants in the world than men, but they don't run the show.'

'But you do?'

'We do our best. And we do it in good heart. We aren't vindictive. We have a sense of humour.

Noted for it. The situation you now find yourself in is not without a certain measure of high farce, you must agree. If you could adopt a detached att.i.tude, you would no doubt see the joke.''You tricked us. And you owe me money.

'I'll pay you what you earned. And a good deal more. But you must promise not to bother us any further. We mean you no harm. We are firm but we are fair. We just maintain the status quo. Try and prevent your lot from b.u.g.g.e.ring up the planet com-pletely.'

'Then you're not making much of a job of it,' said Tuppe.

Arthur ceased to smile. 'We're doing a lot better than you know. If it wasn't for us, your lot would have blown each other to oblivion long ago. Not that that would have been much of a loss to the universe. Self-destructive parasitic vermin so you all are.'

'I say!' Cornelius took a righteous step forward. Arthur Kobold took a righteous step back.

'Viol-ent by nature,' he declared. 'That's why you have to be managed. Kept under control.'

'And put down if we get out of hand?'

'When we deem it necessary, yes. A little plague here, a little war there, a famine round the corner.

A bit of seasonal cuffing never does the livestock any harm.

'Livestock?' Cornelius was appalled. 'Is that all we are to you, livestock?'

'And vermin,' said Tuppe. 'Don't forget vermin. 'We endure you.' Arthur sipped at his drink. 'If I had my way I'd stamp the lot of you out. And I could do it too. Make a proper job of it. But I don't run the show. I am but a humble minion.'

'Who does run the show?' Tuppe asked.

'The guvnor of course.'

'And who's that? Oberon, king of the fairies?' Arthur Kobold laughed. It was not the sound of fairy bells. 'Not him. But you really wouldn't want to know who.'

'I would.' Cornelius ground his teeth.

'No, no, no. That would spoil the joke. And such a good joke it is too. Now come along, I've wasted too much breath on you already.'

'Where is Hugo Rune?' Cornelius asked.

'Not him again.'

'Him again.

'That man is a thorn in our flesh.'

'Is?' Cornelius managed a small smile. 'Not was?'

'Is, was, it's neither here nor there. Now hurry up. We have spoken enough. The ocarina, if you please, the route map and the A-Z. I will put you back into your own time and you can wake up in the morning with a nice fat bank balance. What more could you ask for?'

'Much more than that.' Anna turned on her bar stool and struck Arthur Kobold a devastating blow to the chin.

It was a masterstroke.

And the fairy fella fell.

10.

It was still three minutes past two. And it looked like being that way for some time yet to come.

Cornelius, Tuppe, Anna and Arthur Kobold were now in Jack Murphy's garden shed. Cornelius was in a state of near to absolute fury.

'b.a.s.t.a.r.d!' he cried, as he paced where he could in the crowded outhouse. 'b.a.s.t.a.r.d. b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

b.a.s.t.a.r.d.'

The reason for this uncharacteristically uncouth language was quite specific and it did not concern certain remarks about 'vermin' and 'livestock'. It concerned a certain silver car. And the loss thereof.

Because, when Tuppe, Anna and Cornelius had carried the unconscious Mr Kobold from The Four Hors.e.m.e.n, the car was gone. Someone, or some thing, had stolen it.

'b.a.s.t.a.r.d!' shouted Cornelius Murphy.

Tuppe upended a pail of water above the head of Arthur Kobold.

'I bet that would have woken him, if it had come out.' The small fellow peered up into the upturned pail.

'Smack him about a bit,' said Cornelius.

'With pleasure,' Tuppe hastened to oblige.

'Let me,' said Anna. 'My hands are bigger.'

'What, what and when?' Arthur Kobold came alive. 'Stop hitting me.'

'Where is my car?' Cornelius demanded.

'I haven't got it.'

'But I bet you know a man who has. The AA fairy, was it?'

'I don't know. I was supposed to collect it. You've got the key. Keep this mad woman off me.

'You're in big trouble,' Cornelius told the pro-tester. 'Big trouble.'

'You'd better let me go, if you know what's good for you. Untie me this instant. Notice I didn't say this minute. Little bit of humour there, to lighten the situation.'

Cornelius took up the electric drill. 'I don't want to waste any more time at all on you,' he said. 'So you will now tell me everything I wish to know. Or I will drill out your eyeb.a.l.l.s.'

'Heav-ey!' said Tuppe. 'That's perhaps a little drastic, isn't it?'

'Not at all. It's being firm, but fair. Arthur under-stands that. Sacrificing an individual for the common good. He'd do the same, if the situation was reversed.'

'I'm sure I wouldn't.' Arthur Kobold squirmed uncomfortably.

'Well I'm sure you would. So speak up or get your medicine. It's nothing personal.'

'Hasta la vista, baby,' said Tuppe.

'Oh come off it,' Arthur strained at his bonds. 'Let me go. The drill doesn't have a plug on it anyway.'

'That's OK. The shed doesn't have a power point.'

'Eh?'

'I was meaning to ask about that.' Tuppe gave his head a scratch.

'Let me go, you...

'I think he's going to use the "V,' word again,' said Tuppe.

'Let me.' Anna took the drill from Cornelius. 'This needs a woman's touch. You two step outside for a moment. Notice I didn't say minute there, Mr Kobold. But it shouldn't take too long. It's knowing just where to stick the drill that matters.'

Arthur made one of those big Adam's apple gulp-jobs. 'Now just you see here-'

'We'll be outside if you need us then,' said Cor-nelius.

'I think I'll put my fingers in my ears,' said Tuppe. 'What with all the screaming and everything.'

'No. Er... no.' Arthur smiled hideously. 'There is no need for any unpleasantness. I will be glad to tell you anything you wish to know.'

'Then where's my car?'

'I don't know that.''We'll be outside if you need us, Anna.'

'No, don't go.' Arthur's bottom lip got all a-quiver. 'I do know something.'

'Mr Kobold, you know everything I wish to know. And you will tell me.'

'I will. Oh yes.

'Oh yes, you will.' Cornelius smiled at Anna. 'You can wear my daddy's gardening ap.r.o.n if you want. Shame to get blood all over your T-shirt.'

'I know where Hugo Rune is,' gushed Arthur Kobold.

It was still three minutes past two. But at least it wasn't raining. 'We will have to walk,' said Arthur Kobold. 'Although I could call you a cab.'

'You could,' Cornelius agreed. 'But it's a very old gag.'

'Eh?' said Tuppe.

'No,' said Arthur. 'Call us call a cab, to save the walk.'

Cornelius shook his head carefully. 'The walk will do us good.'

'I'd prefer the cab,' said Tuppe.

'Not his cab, you wouldn't.'

'Quite so, Cornelius. Which way then, Mr Kobold?'

'This way.' Arthur Kobold set off. His hands were tied at his sides. A rope had been secured around his neck. Anna held the end of this. Tightly.

'It's just the other side of Kew Bridge,' said Arthur Kobold.

It's a good ten-minute walk from Moby d.i.c.k Terrace to Kew Bridge. And it was nearly four minutes past two by the time they got there. Nearly, but not quite.

Halfway over the bridge they came upon a scene of no small singularity. A large green muscular thingy leaned upon the parapet. It was captured in the act of drawing on a handmade cigarette and wore a blissful look upon its gruesome visage.

A few short feet behind it another figure was posed. This one was attired in mud-bespattered underlinen.

Clasped in hands, held high above a face that wore an anything but blissful expression, was a shining blade. The second figure was frozen in the act of plunging down this blade into the large and vulner-able backside of the first.

'Oh dear,' said Arthur Kobold. 'That's not sup-posed to happen. Would you mind if I just made one or two adjustments?'

Cornelius smiled grimly. 'That would hardly be sporting.'

'But he's going to ... Owww!' Arthur Kobold leapt into the air.

'So sorry.' Anna examined the tip of the power drill.