Quodlibet Part 10

"Polly, if you aint got no better language than that to use to me,"

exclaimed Ferret, under considerable excitement, "I'd advise you to hold your tongue."

"My tongue's my own, Mr. Ferret," replied the landlady, "and I don't want none of your advice what I'm to do with it. I have used it long enough to know how to keep it a running, and how to stop it, without being taught by you."

"I've got no right to listen to you, if I don't choose," retorted the landlord. "Women has their milking and churning to look after, and, to my thinking, they'd best attend to that, instead of skreiking out politics in public bar-rooms--that's my opinion, Mrs. Ferret."

"Women, indeed!--for _you_ to talk about women!--You're the laughing-stock of all the petticoats of our Borough," said the wife, in a high key of exacerbation. "Mrs. Younghusband, and Mrs. Snuffers, and Mrs. Doubleday makes you a continual banter, and it hurts my feelings as the mother of your children, it does."

"Seize Mrs. Younghusband, and Mrs. Snuffers, and Mrs. Doubleday, all three!" exclaimed Ferret in a sort of demi-oath.

"What's that you said, Mr. Ferret?"

"I said seize 'em! and I don't care the rinsings of that gla.s.s if you tell 'em so,--a set of mandrakes."

"Oh, Jesse Ferret, Jesse Ferret,--as a man who sets up to be an example, what are you coming to!" exclaimed the landlady, with uplifted hands. "Ef your children could hear such profanity. I declare to patience, you'd try the quarters of the meekest mother in the universe."

How far this conjugal outflash might have gone in its natural course, it is impossible for me to say; although Nim Porter, who pretended to be asleep all the time, and who heard every word of it, and related it with much pleasantry to me, says he has often witnessed these breezes between this worthy couple, and always found that they made up as soon as Mrs.

Ferret got out of breath--which, by-the-by, she being short-winded, generally occurred in about half an hour from the first rising of her anger; but, on the present occasion, it was happily interrupted by the entrance of Theodore Fog, Dabbs, the foreman in Eliphalet Fox's printing-office, Flan Sucker, More M'Nulty, and Sim Travers, who all marched directly up to the bar. I had entered upon the heels of this party, and having taken up "The Whole Hog" for my perusal, in one corner of the room, was myself a witness to the scene that followed.

Nim Porter, who was seated in an elbow-chair, resting the back of his head against a window-sill at the opposite end of the bar-room and counterfeiting sleep, was now roused up to attend to the customers.

"My dear Mrs. Ferret--paragon of landladies," said Fog, "Pillar--yes, bolster of our cause--some drink! Dabbs owes a treat, and we have resolved that the libation shall be made under the eye of our own queen.

Dabbs, say what the mixture shall be; I'm not particular--my throat is a turnpike traveled by all imaginable potations. A mint julep, Dabbs?

gentlemen! Flan, a julep? Yes? A julep, a julep all round. Agreed to, nem. con. Mrs. Ferret, five juleps; charge Dabbs--Dabbs's treat."

Mrs. Ferret's anger against her spouse gradually faded under this accost; a slight glimpse of sunshine began to break over her visage as she addressed herself to the task of preparing the required compounds, and Nim Porter busied himself in picking sprigs of mint from a large bouquet of that invaluable plant, which flourished in native verdure over the rim of a two quart tumbler, in which it seemed to grow as in a flower-pot.

Ferret had retreated from the bar toward the door which looked upon the street; and Theodore Fog, who, as the truth must be spoken, was at this hour very considerably advanced toward his customary zenith of excitement, thrust his hands under the skirts of his striped gingham coatee, and strutted with the air of a prime minister in a farce, around the room.

"Nim," said he,

"'Bid thy mistress, when my drink is ready, She strike upon the bell.'

Ferret--glorious turn out, Ferret. True Grits all alive. Pound that ice fine, Nim--no water, recollect. First-rate fellows, Ferret--go the whole--real Quods--diamonds."

"Hope you'll mend matters now, Mr. Fog, since you've got in," said Ferret. "I'm for giving every one a chance; wish you success."

"Of course you do, Ferret," replied Fog; "and so you would have wished Ag Flag success if he'd got in."

"Or Andy Grant, either," said Mrs. Ferret; "my husband's not partikler."

"You're right, Ferret--you're right!" interrupted Fog, "always go with the current--that's sound philosophy--that's my rule. Dabbs, isn't that metaphysics? Flan, don't you call that the true theory of the balance of power? Gentlemen, I submit it to you all."

"Real True-Grit doctrine," said Flan; "find out how the cat jumps--then go ahead."

"Fundamental, that," said Dabbs; "principles change, measures vary, names rise and fall, but majority is always majority."

"Bravo, Dabbs!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Theodore Fog; "_Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur c.u.m illis_--that's our True-Grit motto. The nominative case always agrees with the verb; the people are the verb, we're the nominative case. That's logic, Mrs. Ferret. Nim, how have you made out in these ill.u.s.trious 'three days?'"

"Cursed sleepy," answered Nim Porter, who was now brewing the drink by pouring it from one tumbler to another; "haven't had three hours rest in the whole three nights. No right to complain though--won four bets--had two to one against Andy Grant with Tompkinson--and even against Ag with three of the New-Light Club. I knew d--d well how it was going, ever since the meeting at the Sycamore Spring. Fog, you touched them fellows that work on the Bickerbray and Meltpenny Road 'twixt wind and water."

"Didn't I?" exclaimed Fog; "I opine I did; unequivocally, I fancy I did.

I venture to add, with all possible energy of a.s.severation, that I did that thing, Nim. That's what I call walking into the understanding of the independent, electoral const.i.tuent body; and the best of it is, we got them their votes, you dog!"

"You didn't lose no votes that I could bring you," said Mrs. Ferret, "although you didn't get Jesse's. But that wa'n't much loss--for Jesse's of little account anyhow, and hasn't the influence of a chicken in this Borough--as no man hasn't, whose afeard of his shadow."

"Well, we don't want to hear no more about that," interrupted the landlord. "Mr. Fog knows it wasn't ill will to him--but only my principle, that publicans had best not take sides."

"And who has a right to object to that?" exclaimed Fog. "Give us your hand, Jesse--I'd do the same thing myself, if I were in your place."

"Well, ef you aint the forgivingest creature, Mr. Fog!" said the landlady.

"Mrs. Ferret, your health!--gentlemen, take your respective gla.s.ses--Dabbs, your health--Jesse--Flan--all of you--Success to the True Grits! Top off, boys."

They all drank.

Fog applied the tumbler to his lips; looked straight forward, with what might be called a fixed stare upon vacancy, his eyes expressing the deep emotion of sensual pleasure which the icy compound inspired as it slowly flowed over his palate, and for a full minute employed himself without pause in draining the contents of his gla.s.s--gradually and slowly arching back his head until the last drop trickled from the bottom.

"Amazing seductive beverage, Mrs. Ferret!" he said as he smacked his lips, and set the tumbler down upon the board. "Fascinating potation! If I were not an example of consummate prudence, and the most circ.u.mspect being not yet gathered within the pale of the Temperance Society, my virtue would have fallen a victim before this to that enticing cordial, Mrs. Ferret. But I'm proof--I have been sorely tried, and have come out of the furnace, as you see me, superior to the temptations of this wicked world. Dabbs, poney up--we must go to the raffle, which begins in five minutes at Rhody M'Caw's stable--that pacing roan, Nim--you'll be there, of course:--in your line. Come, gentlemen--don't wipe your mouths with your sleeves--let the odor exhale. As some poet somewhere says, speaking of a mint julep,

'Sweet vale of Ovoca, how calm could I rest,-- If there's a drink upon earth It is this--it is this.'

Not the words exactly--but something in that run. Jesse, the Flower of Quodlibet--Mrs. Ferret, Queen of the Spear Mint--good-by. Nim, you rascal--after the raffle is over, expect to see me as dry as an oven."

When Fog had delivered himself of this rhapsody--which, no doubt, has impressed the reader with the conviction that this noontide gla.s.s had done its work upon the brain of our new representative in the Legislature--the whole party made their exit; and Jesse Ferret, anxious to avoid another conference with his dame, professing a wish to witness the raffle, followed in their footsteps.

CHAPTER XII.

THIRD ERA--DIVISIONS IN QUODLIBET CONTINUE--FOMENTED BY THE WOMEN--FOG RATHER DISAPPOINTS HIS FRIENDS BY HIS COURSE IN THE LEGISLATURE--PROSTRATION OF BUSINESS IN THE BOROUGH--TRACED TO THE MERCHANTS--MR. FLAM'S OPINION OF THEM, AND THE CONSEQUENCE THEREOF--INDIGNATION OF THE NEW LIGHTS AGAINST THEM--FOG'S EULOGIUM UPON THEM--MOVEMENTS OF THE TRUE GRITS--FOX'S SKILLFUL MANAGEMENT--THE TIGERTAIL AFFAIR--MYSTERIOUS TERMINATION OF IT--NIM PORTER'S INDISCRETION.

The design of this little book forbids that I should do more than cursorily touch upon many incidents in the history of Quodlibet, which, although abundant of interest to the curious reader, are not so immediately connected with the main purpose of this work--that purpose being to unfold the operation of the great principle of the New-Light Quodlibetarian theory.

Whenever the time shall arrive, as I would fain persuade myself it must, in which the public shall feel such concern in the affairs of Quodlibet as to demand of me a full disclosure of the treasures of my MSS., I shall greatly delight in spreading before it many particulars which I have collected, having reference to the private concernments and domestic transactions of our people and their sundry ways in regard to many matters which do not fall within the scope of my present undertaking. For, truly, the history of Quodlibet will be found, when impartially narrated, to yield a plentiful fruitage of ethical, moral and social instruction, as well as political--to which latter aspect are my labors at this time confined.

In conformity with my plan, and being desirous to hasten forward to a more modern epoch in these annals, I pa.s.s over the intervening s.p.a.ce, and bring my reader almost a year in advance of the events narrated in the last chapter.

It was now approaching the fifth year of the Removal:--the long session of Congress had closed in July, 1838. The Hon. Middleton Flam had once more returned to his const.i.tuents, and temporarily mingled in the walks of private life. Greatly was his return desiderated at this epoch. We had got all wrong--we lacked information--we wanted this great man's advice.

The split at this time--if I may use a metaphor--was green and wide; or, in plainer language, our dissensions ran high. If the men might be said to be at sixes and sevens, the women were twice as bad--they were at twelves and fourteens. Mrs. Ferret had become inveterate, and headed a party of Feminine True Grits; Susan Barndollar, who had a temper of her own, of course became inveterate too, and, as Barndollar & Hardbottle were accounted a rich firm, she headed, or strove to do so, a party of Feminine Mandarins. Hester Hardbottle, under a similar impulse, took command of the Female Middlings. Thus marshaled, the New-Light women manifested a very high degree of political corruscation, and kept the Borough in perpetual hot water. Every tea-party was a scalding concern, and it was lamentable to see what a foothold the serpent of discord had gained in our little Eden of Quodlibet.

The men were not so ferocious; in part because they had their business to look after; but chiefly, because the stronger, when they failed in argument, could drub the weaker--and that drubbing system is a great moderator of political opinions. The women, having neither of these motives to keep quiet, took the bits in their mouths and ran off as fast as, and whenever, they chose.

Theodore Fog's conduct in the Legislature, during the past winter, had in some degree rather weakened the cause of his friends. He had disappointed them--although they were unwilling publicly to allow as much--on two points: First, because he had not got them all provided with offices, as he had, it appeared, secretly promised; but, on the contrary, came home without having accomplished that desirable object for a single individual of the party; and, secondly, because he had been exceedingly irregular in his habits during the whole session, and had consequently made but four speeches, of three hours each, during the winter, when it was confidently expected that he would have made at least thirty-four, and have completely silenced the opposition. The irregularity of his habits they could forgive; but the matter of the offices sunk deep in their hearts--they began to suspect his Democracy.

A change had also taken place in the business affairs of Quodlibet. All improvements had ceased:--many persons were out of employment; industry was declining; trade was at a low ebb; the mechanics were grumbling, and four mercantile houses had failed. Immediately after the suspension Nicodemus Handy had issued a great amount of small notes. Dr. Thomas G.