Quips and Quiddities Part 20

Compelled at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "combings,"

Reduced with rouge, lip-salve, and pearly gray, To "make up" for lost time, as best she may!

_Lady Jane_, in W. S. GILBERT's _Patience_.

No coinage in circulation so fluctuates in value as the worth of a marriageable man.

LORD LYTTON, _What will he do with it?_

_ANATHEMA IN EXCELSIS._

Creed of St. Anathasius? No, indeed.

Call it, good priests, the Anathemasian Creed.

SHIRLEY BROOKS, _Wit and Humour_.

Mistrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance, and without any visible reason.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, _Maxims_.

_BENEVOLENT NEUTRALITY._

When man and wife at odds fall out, Let Syntax be your tutor; 'Twixt masculine and feminine, What should one be but neuter?

ANON.

MY friend the late Sam Phillips one day met Douglas Jerrold, and told him he had seen, the day before, Payne Collier looking wonderfully gay and well--quite an evergreen. "Ah," said Jerrold, "he may be evergreen, but he's never _read_." On my repeating this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's what I call 'ready wit.'"

J. C. YOUNG, _Diary_.

One day, when conversing with [a] friend, something was said on the subject of religious persecution, on which [Whately] remarked, "It is no wonder that some English people have a taste for persecuting on account of religion, since it is the first lesson that most are taught in their nurseries." His friend expressed his incredulity, and denied that _he_, at least, had been taught it. "Are you sure?" replied Dr. Whately. "What think you of this-- 'Old Daddy Longlegs _won't say his prayers_, Take him by the left leg, and throw him downstairs'?

If that is not religious persecution, what is?"

E. J. WHATELY, _Life of Whately_.

_ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE._

Of this establishment how can we speak?

Its cheese is mity, and its ale is weak.

ANON.

At a fete at Hatfield House, _tableaux vivants_ were among the chief amus.e.m.e.nts, and scenes from _Ivanhoe_ were among the selections. All the parts were filled up but that of _Isaac of York_. Lady Salisbury begged Lord Alvanley "to make the set complete, by doing the Jew." "Anything in my power your ladyship may demand," replied Alvanley; "but though no man in England has tried oftener, I never could _do a Jew_ in my life."

R. H. BARHAM, _Life_.

There's nothing we read of in torture's inventions, Like a well-meaning dunce with the best of intentions.

J. R. LOWELL, _A Fable for Critics_.

_THE POPE._

Miss D., on her return to the Highlands of Scotland, from Rome, went to see an auld Scottish wife, and said, to interest the old woman, "I have been to Rome since I saw you--I have seen all sorts of great people--I have seen the Pope." The sympathetic old dame replied with animation, "The Pope of Rome!--Honest marn!--haze he ony family?"

FREDERICK LOCKER, _Patchwork_.

Nay, tempt me not, Arab, again to stay; Since I crave neither _Echo_ nor _Fun_ to-day, For thy _hand_ is not Echoless--there they are, _Fun_, _Glowworm_, and _Echo_, and _Evening Star_: And thou hintest withal that thou fain wouldst shine, As I con them, these bulgy old boots of mine.

But I shrink from thee, Arab! Thou eat'st eel-pie, Thou evermore hast at least one black eye; There is bra.s.s on thy brow, and thy swarthy hues Are due not to nature but handling shoes; And the bit in thy mouth, I regret to see, Is a bit of tobacco-pipe--Flee, child, flee!

C. S. CALVERLEY, _Fly Leaves_.

The bulk of men in our days are just as immoral as they were in Charles the Second's; the only difference is that they are incomparably more stupid, and that instead of decking their immorality with the jewels of wit, they clumsily try to cover it with the tarpaulin of respectability.

_Mr. Luke_, in MALLOCK's _New Republic_.

_WHY WIVES MAKE NO WILLS._

Men dying make their wills, why cannot wives?

Because wives have their wills during their lives.

R. HUGMAN (_circa_ 1628).

What the mischief do you suppose you want with a post-office at Baldwin's Ranch? It would not do you any good. If any letters came there, you couldn't read them, you know; and besides, such letters as ought to pa.s.s through, with money in them, for other localities, would not be likely to _get_ through, you must perceive at once; and that would make trouble for us all. No; don't bother about a post-office at your camp. What you want is a nice jail, you know--a nice, substantial jail, and a free school. These will be a lasting benefit to you. These will make you really contented and happy.

MARK TWAIN, _Choice Works_.

Nous avons tous a.s.sez de force pour supporter les maux d'autrui.

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, _Reflexions_.

Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau!"

LADY CHATTERTON, _Life_.