Pulp Ink Part 24

Tina looked up from her desk as they came in. "Hi, boys," she said, "go on back."

Bronson said, "Thanks, Tina," and smiled. Mal said nothing.

They let themselves into Romano's office as Funk was saying, "And so the genie says to the Polack, he says, 'Whatever your wish, sahib, is my command.' And the Polack says, 'Man, I'm lonely. I wish my two friends were still here.'" Then he and Romano and Hughes all laughed, Romano pounding on his desk. Empty sandwich wrappers and c.o.ke cans were in front of them.

Romano looked up, said, "Oh, the boys are here. Funk, you remember the boys."

Funk stood up and shook hands with them, said, "Of course, of course. Mal, Bronson, how you guys doing?"

Mal said, "Hey."

Bronson said, "Good, man. You?"

"Good, yeah. Good, good, good. Well, all things considered. You heard about Gus, I take it?"

Bronson said, "Cheeseburger, yeah."

"Cheeseburger?" Funk said and laughed, "Yeah, I like that. Poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

Romano said, "Poor b.a.s.t.a.r.d nothing. Gus was good people, but if he was gonna get killed protecting my numbers receipts from some half-a.s.sed burglar, then he shoulda f.u.c.king protected them. Getting killed for nothing doesn't do anybody any good."

Hughes said, "I'm really gonna miss his souvlaki."

Romano said, "Shut up, Hughes. Anyways, normally, botched robbery, open-and-shut. But Sarge tells me there was no forced entry." Romano shrugged. "And I don't know, but the whole thing feels wrong. Why I called in Funk."

Funk said, "Thank you, Mr. Romano. It's a shame about Gus, but whatever I can do to help. And you sure gave me the right boys for the job." He smiled at Mal and Bronson.

Bronson gave a weak smile back.

Mal just nodded.

"Anyways," Romano said.

Funk said, "Yeah, anyways." To Mal and Bronson, "Shall we?"

3. We Shall Traffic was light on the 15 South.

Funk said, "You guys don't like me much, do you?"

Mal shrugged.

Bronson said, "No, it's not that. It's just... Romano calls you down here, it kinda makes us look bad. That's all. Right, Mal?"

Mal shrugged, lit a cigarette.

Funk lit one himself, cracked his window a bit. "Well, that's just... no, that's not it. I mean, I see what you're saying, I do. But I'm here to help, that's all. We're all on the same team."

"But this is our town," Mal said.

"And that's just it," Funk said, "This is your town. I'm just visiting."

Mal shrugged, said, "Yeah, okay."

Funk said, "You guys ever play Dungeons & Dragons when you were kids?"

Mal said, "No."

Bronson said, "Yeah."

Funk looked in his rear-view. "Yeah?"

Bronson shrugged.

Mal said, "Bronson was president of the D&D club in high school."

Bronson said, "Vice-president."

Funk said, "So, all right, it's like this: This is just an adventure, another adventure in an open-ended campaign. And I've got my own alignment, my own stats, blah blah. But if I'm just rolling dice by myself here, all alone, then nothing's happening. I need a party to get things going."

Bronson said, "So Romano's what? The DM?"

Funk shrugged, said, "Sure, yeah. You could say that, I guess. But I like to think any one of us could be the DM. Y'know? Great thing about that game: The Dungeon Master might have the t.i.tle and a plot and a plan of how things might go, but it's the players who really run the game." He grinned at his rearview.

Mal took a drag on his smoke, said, "You guys are a couple'a nerds."

4. May His Memory Be Eternal Cheeseburger's son let them in, led them to the back bedroom where his mother sat in an old recliner. Bronson noticed they had twin beds.

Funk said, "Mrs. Laliot.i.tis." He took her hand. "Memory eternal," he said.

Mrs. Cheeseburger did not look up, but she did pat Funk's hand twice with her own.

Funk sat down on one of the twin beds, said, "Mrs. Laliot.i.tis, I have some questions for you. I know it's a terrible, tragic time right now, but we need to act quickly."

Mrs. Cheeseburger nodded.

Funk said, "Did Mr. Laliot.i.tis have any debts that you know of, any gambling, anything like that?"

Mrs. Cheeseburger shook her head.

Funk said, "Was he having any trouble with the neighbors, here or at the restaurant? Any neighborhood kids giving him trouble?"

Mrs. Cheeseburger said, "Gus catch a boy spray-painting the restaurant. Nikos. .h.i.t him."

"And when was that, Mrs. Laliot.i.tis?"

"Last year, I think. Christmastime."

Funk said, "Okay," and nodded his head. "Okay. Mrs. Laliot.i.tis, this is a difficult question, but it's one I have to ask."

Mrs. Cheeseburger let out a low, almost inaudible moan.

Funk said, "I apologize in advance, but "

"There is a girl. She lives in Hillcrest, near Hillcrest." She dabbed at her eyes with a crushed wad of Kleenex. "There was always a girl."

Funk wavered for just a second; if Mal and Bronson hadn't been watching for it, they'd have missed it. Funk said, "Was this girl also married, Mrs. Laliot.i.tis? A boyfriend?"

Mrs. Cheeseburger shook her head, and then spat on the rug. "Egyptian c.u.n.t," she said.

"Mom," her son said. He looked at Mal and Bronson, looked at Funk.

"c.u.n.t," Mrs. Cheeseburger said.

Funk stood and rested a hand on her shoulder. Her head inclined, just a bit, toward it.

5. The Sun Never Sets on El Cajon Boulevard Funk's phone went, "Oh, no, not the bees! Not the bees!"

Funk answered it, said, "Yeah."

Said, "Yeah, hey, we just left Cheeseburger's."

Said, "Oh, yeah?"

Said, "Yeah, we're on it."

Funk hung up, said, "Ashley's place is on fire. You know where that is?"

Bronson said, "His house?"

Funk said, "No, no, the shop he's been running."

Bronson said, "Yeah, it's on El Cajon. Get off right here."

Funk whipped the wheel to the right, barely made the exit. Horns blared.

Mal said, "Your ringtone is from the f.u.c.kin' Wicker Man?"

6. Everything Must Have Gone Ashley stood across the street in front of the pho place with all the other looky-loos. He nodded as Funk, Mal and Bronson walked up, said, "f.u.c.k, I'm tired. Up all night and now this."

Mal held his hand up to the heat of the blaze across the street. The sound of gla.s.s shattering punctuated the air every thirty seconds or so. Mal said, "Jesus."

Ashley said, "Tell me about it, mate."

Bronson said, "Ashley, you remember Funk, yeah?"

Ashley said, "Yeah, how's it goin'?"

They shook hands. Funk said, "Sorry about your place, man."

Ashley said, "Yeah, cheers, but y'know. Just lucky I went for a coffee. Dennis and Vince, though, man." He shook his head.

Funk said, "Well, what happened?"

Ashley shrugged, said, "This chick comes in, had a bingle in her Beemer, put a big dent in the fender, like someone took a f.u.c.ken rock to it. Asks if we can have it done by this afternoon. I said sure, of course. She says ta, back later then."

Funk said, "What'd she look like?"

Ashley said, "Oh, nice-looking girl. Nice pair of legs. Kinda conservative dress, y'know. Business woman. Or so I thought."

Funk said, "White girl?"

Ashley said, "Yeah, no, Middle Eastern, I think. Dark-skinned, but didn't look like a lotta Middle Eastern girls I've seen. Not in the face, anyways. Her nose wasn't that big, really."

Mal and Bronson looked at each other.

Another fire truck arrived. Funk had to shout over it. "So then what happened?"

Ashley said, "Well, the most I could get outta Dennis before the ambulance got here was they set about working on the fender and the f.u.c.ken thing exploded."

Bronson said, "The fender?"

Ashley said, "Nah, the whole f.u.c.ken car, mate. Musta been plastique, a f.u.c.ken time bomb or something. Blew Dennis right out the back window into the neighbor's pool. Bit'a luck, that. Vince, man." He shook his head. "Even if he ever wakes up, he'll probably never see again. Burned the retinas right outta his head. Poor guy."

Funk said, "Wow, that's terrible."

Mal said, "The merch."

Funk said, "Right, right. What about the merch, Ashley?"

Ashley said, "Well, there wasn't a whole lot. Had an order come in last week for as many m.u.f.flers as we could put a hand to, any make or model. Guy wanted a hundred or so by today. What I was up all night taking care of. We got that and change, but now." He shook his head again.

Funk said, "And who was this guy?"

Ashley shrugged. "Dunno, never met him. Cheeseburger was the broker."

Bronson said, "s.h.i.t."

Ashley said, "What?"

Bronson said, "Cheeseburger's dead."

Ashley said, "s.h.i.t." Then he said, "Well, one less headache for me, then."

7. California Stop Funk said, "You think this woman's with Tijuana, maybe?"

Mal said, "I doubt it. TJ's got troubles enough of their own these days. 'Sides, she's Middle Eastern or something, not Mexican."

Funk said, "Mrs. Laliot.i.tis said she was Egyptian."