P.S, I Love You Part 12

SIXTEEN.

HOLLY SECURED HER BEDSHEET ONTO the washing line with a peg and thought about how she had b.u.mbled around for the remainder of May trying to get her life into some sort of order. Days went by when she felt so happy and content and confident that her life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear again, and she would feel her sadness setting in once more. She tried to find a routine she could happily fall into so that she felt like she belonged in her body and her body belonged in this life, instead of wandering around like a zombie watching everybody else live theirs while she waited around for hers to end. Unfortunately the routine hadn't turned out exactly as she hoped it would. She found herself immobile for hours in the sitting room, reliving every single memory that she and Gerry had shared. Sadly, she spent most of that time thinking about every argument they had had, wishing she could take them back, wishing she could take back every horrible word she had ever said to him. She prayed that Gerry had known her words had only been spoken out of anger and that they had not reflected her true feelings. She tortured herself for the times she had acted selfishly, going out with her friends for the night when she was mad at him instead of staying home with him. She chastised herself for walking away from him when she should have hugged him, when she held grudges for days instead of forgiving him, when she went straight to sleep some nights instead of making love to him. She wanted to take back every moment she knew he had been so angry with her and hated her. She wished all her memories could be of the good times, but the bad times kept coming back to haunt her. They had all been such a waste of time.

And n.o.body had told them that they were short on time.

Then there were her happy days, when she would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on her face, catching herself giggling as she walked down the street when a joke of theirs would suddenly pop into her head. That was her routine. She would fall into days of deep dark depression, then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off her tears again. It was a tiring process, and most of the time she couldn't be bothered battling with her mind. It was far stronger than any muscle in her body.

Friends and family came and went, sometimes helping her with her tears, other times making her laugh. But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be pa.s.sing time while she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in living when there was no life in it? These questions went through her mind over and over until she reached the point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams - they were what felt real.

Deep down, she knew it was normal to feel like this, she didn't particularly think she was losing her mind. She knew that people said that one day she would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It was getting to that day that was the hard part.

She read and reread Gerry's original letter over and over, a.n.a.lyzing each word and each sentence, and each day she came up with a new meaning. But she could sit there till the cows came home trying to read between the lines and guess the hidden message. The fact was that she would never really know exactly what he meant because she would never speak to him ever again. It was this thought that she had the most difficulty trying to come to terms with, and it was killing her.

Now May had gone and June had arrived, bringing bright long evenings and the beautiful mornings that came with them. And with these bright sunny days June brought clarity. There was no hiding indoors as soon as it got dark, and there were no lie-ins until the afternoon. It seemed as though the whole of Ireland had come out of hibernation, taken a big stretch and a yawn and suddenly started living again. It was time to open all the windows and air the house, to free it of the ghosts of the winter and dark days, it was time to get up early with the songbirds and go for a walk and look people in the eye and smile and say h.e.l.lo instead of hiding under layers of clothes with eyes to the ground while running from destination to destination and ignoring the world. It was time to stop hiding in the dark and to hold your head up high and come face-to-face with the truth.

June also brought another letter from Gerry.

Holly had sat out in the sun, reveling in the new brightness of life, and nervously yet excitedly read the fourth letter. She loved the feel of the card and the b.u.mps of Gerry's handwriting under her finger as it ran over the dried ink. Inside, his neat handwriting had listed the items that belonged to him that remained in the house, and beside each of his possessions he explained what he wanted Holly to do with them and where he wished for them to be sent. At the bottom it read: PS, I love you, Holly, and Iyou love me. You don't need my belongings to remember me by, you don't need to keep them as proof that I existed or still exist in your mind. You don't need to wear my sweater to feel me around you; I'm already there... always wrapping my arms around you.

That had been difficult for Holly to come to terms with. She almost wished he would ask her to do karaoke again. She would have jumped from an airplane for him; run a thousand miles, anything except empty out his wardrobes and rid herself of his presence in the house. But he was right and she knew it. She couldn't hang on to his belongings forever. She couldn't pretend to herself that he was coming back to collect them. The physical Gerry was gone; he didn't need his clothes.

It was an emotionally draining experience. It took her days to complete. She relived a million memories with every garment and piece of paper she bagged. She held each item near to her before saying good-bye. Every time an item left her fingers it was like saying good-bye to a part of Gerry all over again. It was difficult; so difficult and at times too difficult.

She informed her family and friends of what she was about to do, and although they all offered their a.s.sistance and support time and again, Holly knew she had to do this alone. She needed to take her time. Say a proper good-bye because she wouldn't be getting anything back. Just like Gerry, his belongings couldn't return. Despite Holly's wishes of wanting to be alone, Jack had called around a few times to offer some brotherly support and Holly had appreciated it. Every item had a history and they would talk and laugh about the memories surrounding it. He was there for her when she cried and he was there when she finally clapped her hands together, ridding her skin of the dust that remained. It was a difficult job but one that needed to be done. And one that was made easier by Gerry's help. Holly didn't need to worry about making all the big decisions, Gerry had already made them for her. Gerry was helping her, and for once, Holly felt like she was helping him too.

She laughed as she bagged the dusty ca.s.settes of his favorite rock band from his school days. At least once a year Gerry came across the old shoe box during his efforts to control the mess that grew inside his closet. He would blast the heavy metal music from every speaker in the house to torment Holly with its screeching guitars and badly produced sound quality. She always told him she couldn't wait to see the end of those tapes. The relief didn't wash over her as she once hoped it would.

Her eyes rested upon a crumpled ball lying in the back corner of the wardrobe - Gerry's lucky football jersey. It was still covered in gra.s.s and mud stains, fresh from its last victorious day on the pitch. She held it close to her and inhaled deeply; the smell of beer and sweat was faint, but still there. She put it aside to be washed and pa.s.sed on to John.

So many objects, so many memories. Each was being labeled and packed away in bags just as it was in her mind. To be stored in an area that would sometime be called upon to teach and help in future life. Objects that were once so full of life and importance but that now lay limp on the floor. Without him they were just things.

Gerry's wedding tuxedo, his suits, shirts and ties that he would moan about having to wear every morning before going to work. The fashions of the years gone by, eighties shiny suits and sh.e.l.l tracksuits bundled away. A snorkel from their first time scuba diving, a sh.e.l.l that he picked from the ocean floor ten years ago, his collection of beer mats from every pub in every country they had visited. Letters and birthday cards from friends and family sent to him over the years. Valentine's Day cards from Holly. Childhood teddies and dolls put aside to be sent back to his parents. Records of bills, his golf clubs for John, books for Sharon, memories, tears and laughter for Holly.

His entire life bundled into twenty refuse sacks.

His and her memories bundled away into Holly's mind.

Each item unearthed dust, tears, laughter and memories. She bagged the items, cleared the dust, wiped her eyes and filed away the memories.

Holly's mobile began to ring and she dropped the laundry basket onto the gra.s.s under the washing line and ran through the patio doors into the kitchen to answer the phone.

"h.e.l.lo?"

"I'm gonna make you a star!" Declan's voice screeched hysterically on the other end and he broke into uncontrollable laughter.

Holly waited for him to calm down while she searched her brain and tried to figure out what he could be talking about. "Declan, are you drunk?"

"Maybe jus a li'l bit, but that's completely irrevelant," he hiccuped.

"Declan, it's ten o'clock in the morning!" Holly laughed. "Have you been to bed yet?"

"Nope," he hiccuped again, "I'm on the train home now and will be in bed in 'proximately three hours."

"Three hours! Where are you?" Holly laughed again. She was enjoying this, as it reminded her of when she used to call Jack at all hours of the morning from all sorts of locations after misbehaving on a night out.

"I'm in Galway. The 'wards were on last night," he said, as if she should know.

"Oh, sorry for my ignorance, but what awards were you at?"

"I told you!"

"No you didn't."

"I told Jack to tell you, the b.a.s.t.a.r.d -" He stumbled over his words.

"Well, he didn't," she interrupted him, "so now you can tell me."

"The student media 'wards were on last night and I won!" he yelled, and Holly heard what sounded like the entire carriage celebrating with him. She was delighted for him.

"And the prize is that it's gonna be aired on Channel 4 next week! Can you believe it!" There were more cheers this time and Holly could barely make out what he was saying. "You're gonna be famous, sis!" was the last thing she heard before the line went dead. What was this odd feeling she detected running through her body? Was it...no it couldn't...could it be that Holly was experiencing a sensation of happiness?

She rang around her family to share the good news but learned that they had all received a similar phone call. Ciara had stayed on the phone for ages chattering like an excited schoolgirl about how they were going to be on TV, and eventually her story ended with her marrying Denzel Washington. It was decided that the family would gather in Hogan's pub next Wednesday to watch the doc.u.mentary being aired. Daniel had kindly offered Club Diva as the venue so they could watch it on the big wall screen. Holly was excited for her brother and rang Sharon and Denise to let them know the good news.

"Oh, this is brill news, Holly!" Sharon whispered excitedly.

"Why are you whispering?" Holly whispered back.

"Oh, old wrinkly face here decided it would be a great idea to ban us from accepting personal calls," moaned Sharon, referring to her boss. "She says we spend more time chatting on the phone to friends than doing business, so she's been patrolling our desks all morning. I swear I feel like I'm back at school again with the old hag keeping her eye on us." Suddenly she spoke up and became businesslike. "May I take your details please?"

Holly laughed. "Is she there?"

"Yes absolutely," Sharon continued.

"OK, well, I won't keep you very long then. The details are that we're all meeting up in Hogan's on Wednesday night to watch it, so you're welcome to come."

"That's great...OK." Sharon pretended to take her details.

"Brilliant, we'll have fun. Sharon, what will I wear?"

"Hmm...brand-new or secondhand?"

"No, I really can't afford anything new; even though you forced me to buy that top a few weeks ago, I'm refusing to wear it on the grounds that I am no longer eighteen. So probably something old."

"OK...red."

"The red top I wore to your birthday?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Yeah, maybe."

"What's your current state of employment?"

"To be honest I haven't even started looking yet." Holly chewed the inside of her mouth and frowned.

"And date of birth?"

"Ha-ha, shut up, you b.i.t.c.h," Holly laughed.

"I'm sorry, we only give motor insurance to ages twenty-four and older. You're too young, I'm afraid."

"I wish. OK, I'll speak to you later."

"Thank you for calling."

Holly sat at the kitchen table wondering what she should wear next week; she wanted something new. She wanted to look s.e.xy and gorgeous for a change, and she was sick of all her old clothes. Maybe Denise had something in her shop. She was about to call when she received a text message from Sharon.

HAG RITE BHIND ME.

TLK 2 U L8R x.x.x.

Holly picked up the phone and called Denise at work.

"h.e.l.lo, 'Casuals&rsquo, " answered a very polite Denise.

"h.e.l.lo, Casuals, Holly here. I know I'm not supposed to call you at work but I just wanted to tell you that Declan's doc.u.mentary won some student award thingy and it's gonna be aired on Wednesday night."

"Oh, that's so cool, Holly! Are we gonna be in it?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah, I think so. So we're all meeting up at Hogan's to watch it that night. You up for that?"

"Oooh, of course! I can bring my new boyfriend too," she giggled.

"What new boyfriend?"

"Tom!"

"The karaoke guy?" Holly asked in shock.

"Yeah, of course! Oh Holly, I'm so in love!" she giggled childishly again.

"In love? But you only met him a few weeks ago!"

"Oh I don't care; it only takes a minute...as the saying goes."

"Wow, Denise...I don't know what to say!"

"Tell me how great it is!"

"Yeah...wow...I mean...of course...it's really great news."

"Oh, try not to sound too enthusiastic, Holly," she said sarcastically. "Anyway, I can't wait for you to meet him, you'll absolutely love him. Well, not as much as I do, but you'll certainly really really like him." She rambled on about how great he was.

"Denise, are you forgetting that I met him already?" Holly interrupted her in the middle of a story about how Tom had saved a child from drowning.

"Yeah, I know you have, but I would rather you meet him when you're not acting like a demented woman hiding in toilets and shouting into microphones."

"Look forward to it then..."

"Yeah, cool, it's gonna be great! I've never been to my own premiere before!" she said excitedly.

Holly rolled her eyes at her friend's dramatics and they said their good-byes.

Holly barely got any housework done that morning, as she spent most of the time talking on the phone. Her mobile was burning and it was giving her a headache. She shuddered at the thought. Every time she had a headache it reminded her of Gerry. She hated to hear her loved ones complaining of headaches and migraines and would immediately launch herself at them, warning them of the dangers and how they should take it more seriously and go see their doctors. She ended up petrifying everyone with her stories and they eventually stopped telling her when they felt ill.

She sighed loudly; she was turning into such a hypochondriac even her doctor was sick of the sight of her. She went running to her in a panic over the tiniest little things, if she had a pain in her leg or a cramp in her stomach. Last week she was convinced there was something wrong with her feet; her toes just didn't look quite right. Her doctor had examined them seriously and then had immediately started to scribble her prescription down on a slip of paper while Holly watched in terror. Eventually she handed her the piece of paper, and scrawled messily in that handwriting only doctors can perfect, was: "Buy bigger shoes."

It may have been funny, but it cost her forty euro.

Holly had spent the last few minutes on the phone listening to Jack ranting and raving about Richard. Richard had paid him a little visit, too. Holly wondered whether he was just trying to bond with his siblings after years of hiding from them. Well, it was too little too late for most of them, it seemed. It was certainly very difficult trying to hold a conversation with someone who hadn't yet mastered the art of politeness. Oh, stop stop stop! she silently screamed to herself. She needed to stop worrying, stop thinking, stop making her brain go on overdrive, and she certainly needed to stop talking to herself. She was driving herself crazy.

She finally finished hanging out the washing more than two hours later and added another load into the machine and turned it on. She switched the radio on in the kitchen and blared the television from the living room and went back to work. Perhaps that would drown out the whinging little voice in her head.

SEVENTEEN.

HOLLY ARRIVED AT HOGAN'S AND pushed her way through the old men in the pub to make her way upstairs to Club Diva. The traditional band was in full swing and the crowd was joining in on all their favorite Irish songs. It was only seven-thirty, so Club Diva wasn't officially open yet. Looking around at the empty club, Holly saw a completely different venue from the one she had been so terrified in a few weeks earlier. She was the first to arrive and settled herself at a table right in front of the big screen so she would have a perfect view of her brother's doc.u.mentary, not that the place would be so crowded that anyone would stand in her way.

A smashing gla.s.s over by the bar made her jump and she looked up to see who had joined her in the room. Daniel emerged from behind the bar with a dustpan and brush in his hand. "Oh, hiya, Holly, I didn't realize anyone had come in." He stared at her in surprise.

"It's just me, I came early for a change." She walked over to the bar to greet him. He looked different tonight, she thought, inspecting him.

"G.o.d, you're really early," he said, looking at his watch, "the others probably won't be here for another hour or so."

Holly looked confused and glanced at her watch. "But it's seven-thirty, the show starts at eight, doesn't it?"

Daniel looked confused, "No, I was told nine o'clock, but I could be wrong..." He reached for that day's paper and looked at the TV page. "Yep, nine o'clock, Channel 4."