Prison Nation Part 17

A door beyond the gla.s.s creaked open, two sets of unsteady footsteps drawing closer as the door clicked shut. I could hear the shuffle as they sat down. The gasp of breath.

I finally gathered the courage I had been searching desperately for and lifted my head. Staring back at me through the thick gla.s.s were my mother and father.

"Millie?" My father sounded confused. He looked somehow thinner, as if some piece of him had suddenly gone missing. His face was covered in scruff, his eyes heavy with dark bags. I could see a dirty bandage wrapped tightly around his hand.

"Hi Dad," I said.

I looked over at my mother. Her hair hung in a dirty mess off her head. Her face seemed even more tired, her body rocking back and forth slightly as she perched on her metal stool. Everything about her seemed distant and lost, a bird who had been caged too long and was unable to remember that it had wings. Except her eyes. Her eyes were watching me, not even blinking.

"Millie, how are you?" my father carefully asked.

"I'm sorry Dad." I took a deep breath, my hands finally stopping their nervous shaking. "I didn't come here to catch up. I need to know the truth."

My father looked at me, confusion evident on his exhausted face. I could still feel my mother's eyes bearing into me. Through the grating I could hear her whispering.

"My baby, my baby."

Her words gently cut through the air, over and over. I couldn't bring my eyes to look at her. Locking eyes with my father, I nodded slowly.

"It's time you both tell me the real story. I need to know... I need to know from you."

"Baby, my baby." My mother's voice rose.

Finally drifting my eyes over to her, I watched her a moment. She had started to rock back and forth harder, her fingers twitching as she sat limp on the metal counter. I could see that I was losing her. Her hidden world was engulfing her, faster than I had ever seen before.

I picked up the sheet of paper and slammed it against the gla.s.s. The image of the small pile of leaves pressed hard into the gla.s.s, my hand wrinkling the paper as I pushed. I stared into my mother's clouding vision.

"Who is Charlie?" I softly demanded.

My mother froze. Her mouth hung open, stopped in mid-word. I could see her eyes glued to the image, wide in sudden fear and memories. I watched her a moment longer, then turned slowly to my father. Tears were streaming down his face.

"Charlie," he whispered hoa.r.s.ely.

"Dad, is it true. Is what this article says true?" I leaned closer. I wished so much that this gla.s.s wasn't there. I needed to feel connected to them. I needed this moment of truth to be fully real. But my parents were Lifers, and Lifers didn't get physical contact visits. "Please, Dad," I whispered, my lips close to the metal grating at the edge of the gla.s.s. "I need to know."

My father stared at the image a moment longer, then tore his glistening eyes away and looked at me. "We were traveling," he began, his voice coming out strange and distant, as if watching the past play before his eyes. "Your mother and I didn't have a car. So we had to walk. We were trying... we were trying to get out of the Nation before the Wall went up.

"Charlie was three. He was such a beautiful baby boy. Chubby and always happy, always wanting to wrestle and play. I loved him, so much." My father choked back a sob, fighting the urge to look again at the image. I slowly lowered it. As the paper crumpled into the counter, my father let his eyes trail to my face. He looked at me intensely, determination gritting his jaw tight. I had never seen this look in his eyes before.

"We had stopped to camp for the night near a small town. Your mother was making dinner, Charlie playing some cute make believe game a few feet away. Then the three men appeared. They told us that we were trespa.s.sing. I apologized and told your mother to gather our belongings, I told them we would leave. But they... they said it was too late." My father closed his eyes a moment, swallowing hard.

"I could see the way they were watching your mother. And how they watched Charlie. Charlie... he had no idea what was going on. Until one of the men grabbed him." My father suddenly slammed a fist down on the metal table, causing me to jump. "I tried to stop them," he sobbed. "The second one bashed me upside the head then followed the first as they dragged Charlie off. The third grabbed your mother. I couldn't move. I couldn't get my bearings.

"We listened as our baby cried. He cried so loud for us. Then... it was quiet."

My father let out a heart-wrenching sob. I couldn't blink. I could feel my lungs burning for air, but I couldn't breathe. He tried to form words, but every time he opened his mouth, another sob broke out.

"That's when I snapped," my mother said softly.

I looked over to her. She looked so calm. As if there had never been a care or worry in the world. Her eyes took me in, full of emotions I knew I would never fully understand. "When a momma's baby gets hurt, it's amazing what adrenaline will do to her. The man holding me said that according to the law, we were guilty. And that they could do with the guilty as 'justice' allowed. I snapped. I somehow threw the man to the ground. Then I hit him with a stone.

"The other two came back. They were monsters, Millie. They were the monsters. They were laughing. One grabbed me, saying things I could never repeat to you. Then he saw the man on the ground. He raised a hand to hit me, but I saw his knife and, and I took it. And stabbed."

My mother sucked in a shuddering breath. After a moment of silence, she continued, her voice slightly shaking. "With every stab I could hear Charlie's screams for his mommy less and less. With every stab I was pulled into the fog that took away this pain."

My mother gasped in another breath, her face cracking as a tear streamed down it. "That's when I saw your father drop the third man."

My father reached over and laid a hand on my mother's now shaking fingers. They looked into each other's eyes, sharing a memory long since buried. Then my father turned to me. "Charlie was already gone when we got to him. They had just left him there, lying alone behind the bush. We buried him. We didn't want the other monsters of the world to find our baby.

"While we were doing that, the man your mother knocked out must have come to and ran off. He brought back the authorities, and told him we had jumped him and his 'pals' for no reason. That's when we were arrested."

I could feel the cold metal of the table digging into my stomach as I leaned as close as I could to the gla.s.s. Pulling away a few inches, I looked back and forth between the two of them. "But why didn't you tell them the truth?"

"I tried," my mother whispered. "I tried and tried. But they cla.s.sified me as unstable. I was crazy." She took a deep breath. "Everything I said was thrown out on grounds of insanity."

My eyes darted to my father. "Why didn't you try?"

He looked at my mother a moment, then shook his head. "I couldn't."

"You couldn't?" I asked, my voice rising. "You couldn't? You couldn't defend your wife and murdered child? G.o.d, Dad! Really?" My fists slammed on the metal table, louder and harder than my father's had. My shadow of a father, who barely lifted a finger of any emotion, couldn't even defend his family at the worst of times. Anger flooded me, and I didn't try to calm it down.

"Millie," he said evenly. "Your mother needed me."

"You're right, Dad. She did. And you did nothing!"

"Nothing?" His voice cracked. I could see the pain flood his face as my words. .h.i.t him. "I killed a man who had been intent on hurting her. I buried our little boy so that her last memory of touching him would be when he was warm and alive." He leaned in, tears flowing once again from his blood shot eyes. "I didn't tell the truth, Millie, because I was the only hope your mother had of staying with me and away from a mental house. If I stayed quiet, they let us stay together. I was told to keep her calm. If I did that, then we would stay together."

My mother turned her face to him, shock breaking through her own tears. "Alan..." By the haunted tone of her breaking voice, I realized she had never known what my father had just told me.

He reached over and gently stroked her wet cheek. "I couldn't let them do that you to you, Leann. They had taken away our baby, our future, our freedom... I couldn't let them take away our love."

I had never seen this affection between my parents. My father seemed so strong. My mother became tender in his outreached fingers, her face leaning against his protecting hand. This was the image I had always dreamed of my parents. Two people, madly in love. Two people who would do anything for each other. I had never realized they had already done everything for each other.

My father closed his eyes, his hand still holding my mother's face. "It was just after we were finally incarcerated here that we found out we were pregnant with you. They wanted us to abort you." He clenched his eyes shut tighter. "But one of our babies had already died. We couldn't let them kill you too."

My mother turned her face to me. The clarity in her eyes, the lack of any fog licking at her mind amazed me. "Charlie was my first baby. I see him sometimes, Millie. I see him as the baby he was, as the man he should be. I let myself fall into those fantasies of him. I know I shouldn't. But I can't control it. I need it. I know I look insane, that I haven't been the mother for you I should have been." She wiped the tears from her face and leaned to the gla.s.s. "But Millie, you are my baby too. You are my baby who saved me. Without you..." Her eyes became haunted. She blinked it away, but never finished the sentence.

I stared at them a moment. Then the words gently slipped from my lips. "I am so sorry."

I would have given anything right then for that gla.s.s to be gone. I needed my parents. I needed to feel their arms around me, holding me, protecting me from this dangerous world I thought I knew. I had thought I knew so much. Everything had been turned upside down though. I needed them, now, but the thick gla.s.s between us stood as a cold reminder that they were forever locked away from me.

"There has to be a way," I said, trying to let hope fill my choked voice. "There has to be a way to clear you. I will find it."

"No Millie," my father said forcefully.

"What? Why Dad? Do you really want to stay in there?" I couldn't believe my ears.

My father sighed. "This is our life now. In here, I can protect your mother. She gets the medicine she needs. We are... safe." He locked eyes with my mother a moment, then looked back to me. "We need to stay here."

"Mom..." I could feel my voice begging, searching for her to disagree with what my father had said.

"He's right, Millie." I could see her hand creep forward, reaching to me. Her fingers touched the gla.s.s. I could see her eyes cringe, her breath gasp as she let her fingers drop to the counter. "You need to stay free, Millie. For us. Please, there is so much you can do with your life. We will always be here. Don't let us hold you back."

I could see the pain killing her. My mother was saying goodbye to her baby. I was her only baby left, and she had to sit on the other side of gla.s.s and metal and say goodbye. It felt almost as bad as death. Ice cold and unforgiving. It held no love, no warmth, no final farewell. Just the taunt of the see-through wall.

I nodded, slowly.

Lifting a hand to the gla.s.s, I let its cold press against my palm. My fingers spread apart as I pressed harder. In my mind I could see my hand sinking through, reaching for my parents and holding them one last time. It didn't sink though. The gla.s.s pressed firmly back at me, denying me.

My mother lifted her hand. Her fingers shook as she slowly moved toward mine. She carefully laid her hand on mine, flattening her fingers on the icy gla.s.s. Her lips quivered as she looked at me, her eyes wide. I pressed harder, hoping that some warmth would find its way to her small palm She stroked the gla.s.s, her eyes achingly full of pain and love. "My baby," she barely whispered.

Leaning in close, I spoke carefully through the grating. "Mom, I love you. Do you believe me?" She nodded, her head barely moving as if afraid she would lose eye contact with me at any moment. "I love you too, Dad." I glanced at him. He nodded to me, his eyes streaming still with the flood of tears. I looked back to my mother, locking my eyes to hers. "I will always love you Mom. Always. I will... I will always be your baby."

I could feel the sting of tears at my eyes. My mother let out a soft sob, her lips still quivering, and offered me a small smile. I watched my parents one last time. They were different now in my eyes. The monsters weren't sitting there across the gla.s.s. No, the monsters were waiting everywhere else in the outside world. I pressed my hand against the gla.s.s once more, then nodded and stood.

There were no more words.

We didn't need any more words.

I turned the handle, and walked out of the room.

19.

Jude was waiting for me as I stepped back into the hall.

I knew he had heard every word. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he nervously reached for me, then lowered his hand before his fingers could brush my arm. I offered him a smile, lips quivering. A tear broke free and I quickly wiped it away with my fingertips.

"Millie... are you going to be alright?"

"I am," I said without hesitation. For a reason I could not understand, I knew that it was true. Something inside had clicked.

Jude smiled softly at me then motioned for me to walk down the hall. I took my place next to him and joined his slow pace as we headed to the waiting room door.

"How are things?" His voice sounded careful, as if trying to find the right question to ask.

I nodded. "They are good. Work is good. I like the trees." The smile on my face warmed.

"That's good. I was worried for a bit."

"Why?"

Jude stopped walking. I stopped beside him, just close enough to hear him take in a deep breath. "After you left," he said slowly, glancing toward the camera at the end of the hall. Its light was still dead. "Carl GF4 started to act strange. He tried to find a way to call you back. Said you shouldn't have been released. We all almost believed him. But I knew you deserved it. Your parents vouched for you. Another prisoner did too, named Orrin. Did you know him?"

At the sound of Orrin's name I felt my breath catch in my throat. I looked at Jude, my cheeks warming. "Um, yeah. We talked sometimes." Casting my eyes down, I added, "You know... Fishing."

Jude let out a laugh. "You fished? Oh, that's great." Jude shook his head, smiling.

The smile faltered as he went on. "They dismissed his pet.i.tion. Carl made life h.e.l.l around here. He started to overly discipline inmates. He became dark, moody... even other guards were scared. Your parents were forced to work longer hours by the staff, in hopes that Carl would leave them alone." Jude let out a clipped breath. "He was 'encouraged' to take some leave. Clear his head you know. Suddenly he was back to normal Carl. We all a.s.sumed the strange mood had pa.s.sed. Guards... they get those moods sometimes. I don't know why."

Jude looked over to me, his eyes studying my face a moment, his lips tense. "I was worried, Millie. But if you say things are good, then I can stop worrying. That's great." Jude squinted his eyes a moment, thinking. "Why would he do that, Millie?"

I swallowed hard. "I don't know," I said. "I barely knew him."

"Strange."

Jude kept looking at me. I nervously shifted my weight, my eyes flitting to look back at the dead camera.

"You're different, Millie." He moved slightly closer. "You're not the Jail Baby that would lie on the floor late at night anymore. I don't know what it is, but something in you has changed."

"Oh." I couldn't think of anything better to say. I couldn't tell if he was upset, if he was happy. I knew his voice. I knew his laugh and his sigh. But seeing him there now, standing in front of me, seemed to change things. I couldn't read him.

"Remember what I told you about my family? Why I didn't go with them?" I nodded as he asked. "I think you were my reason. I knew there was something good I would need to do here. I think I waited for you."

Jude reached up and pulled a necklace out from under his uniform shirt. Lifting it over his head, he looked at it with a softly then held it out to me. It was a black leather cord. Something swung from it. Looking closer, I saw a small key, just big enough to fit in the palm of my hand, tied to the cord. Its smudged silver surface shone dully in the dim light.

I reached forward and took the key in my hand. It was very simple. No elaborate designs. Just the hole at one end with the leather tied through it, and the teeth on the other. The end of the teeth stopped abruptly, leaving the tip of the key flat and smooth. I ran my fingertip along the gla.s.sy tip. Smooth as ice.

"I don't know why my family was given access to the Wall. I guess we had high enough standing. That, or we had enough money." Jude started walking forward again and I followed, my eyes still fastened onto the small key. "My parents never used the key. They never let me set foot on the beach that I could hear day and night. I would see that key hanging around my father's neck, and wanted so badly to use it and escape to the ocean. When they left, he gave me the key. And now... I can't get myself to use it." He glanced at me, his eyes heavy with memories. "I want you to have it."

"Why are you giving me this?" I asked.

"I can see something in your eyes, Millie. You may not know it yet, but that key is what you need. The end has a small chip in it with my families DNA stored on file. The lock will only recognize that key, and that key alone. No one can pick it or fake it. Remember that."

I rolled the key between my fingers. Doubt tugged at my mind. I couldn't do anything else. I had found out the truth. Now I would return to the Orchard and finish my parole. Even with this key, the beach was just a distant dream, a hope I could never reach. My life had already been laid out for me. A tight knot formed in my throat.

Jude touched my arm. He carefully picked up the dangling leather cord and draped it around my neck. The key hung off of it, so light I could barely feel it until it bounced against my chest.

"Jude. I feel so lost." My voice was small.

Jude tucked a finger under my chin, lifting my face to look at him.

"Millie, I know you. You are the good, and the strong."

I nodded to him, tears stinging my eyes as a smile formed on my lips. Patting my arm, Jude started walking again.

We finally reached the door. Jude turned to me and offered his soft smile that had kept me awake and happy through to many lonely prison nights. "I'm going to miss you Millie. But I am happy I got to see you again. This one last time."

"Maybe... Maybe it won't be the last time."

Jude's smile didn't fade. "Maybe, maybe not. One thing life teaches you is that it is unpredictable. If we wait for something to happen, and it never happens, we will just waste our lives waiting. If I see you again Millie, I would love it. Believe me. But if I never see you again," he glanced at the camera. The red light suddenly flicked back on, glaring down at us. Jude lowered his eyes and looked at me once more. "Then I will be happy too."

Turning the handle, he motioned me through the door, then clicked it closed it behind me.